15. CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 15
ARI
“ I don’t think the occasion calls for a candle and singing,” I say as Sophie saunters toward me, holding a slice of rainbow cake with a lit candle on it, chanting, “For she’s a jolly good fellow. For she’s a jolly good fellow. For she’s a jolly good fellowwww …” I lean my elbows on our little kitchen table as she finishes, with a quick rush of breath, “ ... whichnobodycandeny!”
She plops down in a chair next to me and grins, pushing the cake toward me.
“Thanks, Soph.” I blow out the candle. “But it’s really not—”
“Hush your mouth,” she interrupts me. “You just got your college degree. It absolutely calls for celebration.”
“It’s only a liberal arts degree. And it took me three years instead of two.”
“So what? You did it. You are a college grad. You think the little girl with the pigtails hiding from Axel and spearing fish in the river—”
“Picking up crayfish.”
“Whatever. You think she ever would have thought she’d go to college, let alone get a degree?”
I smile and grasp her thick forearm. “Thank you. Seriously, you’re a good friend.”
“I know.” She smiles.
“Grab a fork and help me eat this.”
“Ugh, I already had a chocolate croissant and a cheese Danish that I bought when I got you that cake.” She stands up, pulling at the waist of her tight jeans below her muffin top. “I don’t think I’ll survive some of that cake, too.”
That gets a giggle from me. I’ve noticed Sophie getting bigger since I’ve known her, and over the years we’ve lived together, but I would never say anything about her unhealthy relationship with food.
“Sorry to celebrate and run, but I’ve got to get to work.” She leans down and wraps her arms around my neck. “Seriously, Ari, I’m super proud of you.”
After finishing the cake, I get changed into my work clothes. I originally had yesterday and today off, but after being stood up by Sean last night, I picked up a shift. Sean knew I was graduating yesterday. Even though I didn’t participate in any of the pomp and circumstance, I still wanted to acknowledge the day as the completion of my college career and obtaining my degree. He was supposed to take me to dinner to celebrate, but two hours after he said he would pick me up, he texted to cancel.
I wasn’t even disappointed. These days I expect him not to show, and then send a lame text afterward. But, when a photo of him and some busty blonde chick came up on social media, I decided not to give him the time of day today.
The night goes by quickly, and after serving drinks and wiping down sticky tabletops, when I get home, all I want to do is take a shower and relax. While playing some music on my laptop and stepping into pajama pants and an old T-shirt, my phone vibrates and I see it’s Sean calling. I hit ignore and turn the music up a notch, but the phone keeps vibrating as I towel dry my hair.
Then a pounding at the door makes me jump. “Yo, Ari! Open up!” I stand just inside the door and wait, hoping Sean will leave, but he doesn’t. Instead, there’s more banging. “Hey! I can hear the music. I know you’re in there. What are you doing?”
I unlock the chain and the deadbolt, then turn the lock on the knob before pulling the door open. “What the …” He looks me over. “Why are you in those clothes? I thought we were hanging out?” Sean pushes past me into the apartment.
“It’s two in the morning.” I cross my arms over my chest and look down at my bare feet. “The day’s over.”
“I know I said I’d take you out,” he says as he plops down on our secondhand couch, “but something came up. Anyway, I’m here now.” Arms stretched over the back of the sofa and legs resting wide, he jerks his chin at me. “Come over here.”
I just look down at my feet. But when I hear the click of a lighter, my eyes dart over to see him lighting a cigarette. “Sean, I’ve told you, you can’t smoke in here.”
“Why?” He blows smoke out of his nostrils. “This place is a dump. I’m sure there’s nothing in the lease about it.”
I straighten my spine. “Because Sophie and I don’t like it.”
“That fat hog should probably start smoking. Maybe then she’d give up the Twinkies.”
“Stop it!”
“What?” He feigns innocence.
“She’s my best friend, and she’s the one who celebrated with me when you stood me up last night.”
Sean huffs. “Oh, OK, here we go. So that’s why you’re all bitchy. Look, babe, I told you, something came up.”
“Something with big boobs and blonde hair,” I mumble.
“Excuse me?” he snarls. I look at the floor and shake my head. “Huh?” he presses, standing up, and I see his shoes come into view on the floor, only inches from me. “Hey, look at me. Yo, Earth to Ari! Eyes up here!” He snaps and then grabs my face and jerks it up so I’m looking at him. My mouth is smooshed in his grip. “I asked you … What. Is. Your. Problem?”
Now that our faces are inches away from one another, I can see his bloodshot eyes and smell the alcohol on his breath.
“Nothing,” I grit out.
“Well, it sure as shit seems like something, seeing as you’re giving me hell right now.” He eases up his grip on me and I push away from him, putting a few feet of space between us. “Are you jealous? Is that it?” He takes another drag from his cigarette.
Squinting at him, I find my voice. “Forgive me if I don’t feel like letting you put your hands on me after you did God knows what with God knows who just last night. Or tonight, for all I know.”
He inhales, takes the cigarette out of his mouth, and exhales, nodding. “I understand.” He places the cigarette back in the corner of his mouth, talking around it. “Let me show you, Ari baby, just how much more you mean to me than any of the other women.” Sean starts to unbutton his jeans and I scoff.
He freezes. “Did you just roll your fucking eyes at me?” The cigarette bobs with every word. “When I’m over here, willing to make things up to you? Telling you that you’re important to me, and you’re mocking me?” Rage simmers behind his bloodshot eyes.
I know that look. I know it all too well.
“No,” I stammer. “I’m just tired from work tonight. Let’s make plans for another night, OK?” I try to take steps around him, but he takes a step to the side to block me.
Slowly reaching his hand up, Sean curls it around my neck, then slides it up so he’s gripping me right under my jaw, my head inclined. “I thought not many dudes would be into a stupid, white trash, snaggletooth bitch like you, but maybe I was mistaken. Maybe all the old fucks at the bar like to tap this little fire crotch. Huh?” He reaches his other hand down and cups my groin through my pajamas. “Do I need to stake my claim on this hot little ass? Huh?”
Plucking the cigarette from his lips, he blows a mouthful of smoke in my face, then releases me. We stare at each other for a moment before he reaches out and tugs me forward by the waistband of my pants, and I yell.
“No. Sean, what are you doing? Stop it.” Struggling in his grip, arms come around my middle and grab me from behind, lifting my legs into the air as I kick out. “Get off of me!” I claw at his arms, drawing blood.
“What the fuck?” He drops me on the floor. “You little bitch. You’re out of control, you know that?”
Scrambling on my hands and knees, my attempt to get my feet under me is futile because soon he’s on my back, straddling me as he pushes me flat to the floor. With a hand on the back of my head, he pushes my face into the hardwood with so much force I think my nose might break. With his other hand he tugs my shirt up, exposing my back.
“I’ll teach you a lesson for talking to me like that.” The words come out mumbled, around the cigarette again. I feel pressure on my back as he leans down, his face next to mine. He plucks the cigarette from his lips and blows a stream of smoke into my face. “You know, I thought Axel would have groomed you to be more obedient than this,” and he “tsk tsk tsks” into my ear.
I feel the bite of the cigarette as it burns into the skin on my back. I scrunch my eyes closed and swallow a strangled groan.
Don’t cry. Don’t let him see you cry.
Of all the things going on in this moment, what I focus on is the song that starts to play in the background. It’s one of my favorites, and it’s either going to save me, taking me away from this moment, or it’s going to be something else I love that is ruined.
I’m not sure how many times he burns me, or for how long I’m lying there as he does it, but eventually he eases up from me and sits back on his heels and, I assume, admires his handiwork.
Taking the opportunity, while he thinks I’ve given up and given into the pain, I buck him off, causing him to roll over and into the coffee table. I scramble to my feet and head toward the door, pulling it open and running into the hallway. Soon, I’m crashing through the exterior doors and into the darkness.
My arms and legs pump as each stride takes me farther away from the apartment, and my mind swirls as the reality that I will never be able to run far enough or fast enough sinks in. This is my life. I will never be able to outrun Axel, or Sean, or all the other Axels and Seans in the world.
Pointy little pebbles on the concrete bite into my bare feet as I cross an abandoned parking lot and push through a broken fence, then cross a street and keep running.
Am I stupid, or cursed? Or just un-fucking lucky?
Slowing my pace as a cramp sets in, I fold over, holding my stomach, unable to catch my breath—which is not like me. I run all the time and never run out of breath. I’ve been running my whole life. Maybe this is my body’s way of telling me it’s done. I can’t do this anymore.
Straightening up on the sidewalk amid a bunch of small, run-down houses placed close together, I hear music off in the distance and see lights on here and there. I suck in huge gulps of air that burn my lungs with each intake. Unable to control my breathing or my mind, my limbs shake with the itch to keep running, and the sudden realization that all I’m doing is running in circles.
Squeezing my eyes shut and wrapping my arms around myself, I let the darkness—literal and figurative—wrap its arms around me like a comforting blanket.
A car gets closer and then passes by, sending a whoosh of air that brushes my hair against my neck, reminding me of the times I would run on the backroads and guess how close a car was, and wonder how far of a step I would have to take to be in its path.
And if I would have the courage to take that step.
Eyes closed, arms clenched tightly around my middle, my tired feet shuffle a little closer to the road. The sidewalk turns to grass before I reach the curb, and my toes curl around the concrete where it drops off while I take hesitant steps onto the roadway. My feet aren’t the only part of me that is tired. My mind, my heart, my soul are all exhausted.
An engine sounds in the distance, getting louder as it approaches, and I wonder how close I could get …
My feet shuffle under me, taking little steps further into the road.
I’m so tired of this life. I wonder what it’s like to just let go.
The vehicle sounds closer as I shuffle a little further. How close is it now? A few hundred yards? A few feet?
And then something foreign happens. I freeze as I unwrap my arms from around my body and raise a hand to my face and wipe away the wetness streaming down.
Tears. The final give from my body, my heart, my soul.
I take one more quick step, and hear the screech of tires.