42. CHAPTER 42
CHAPTER 42
ARI
“ H e ran,” I say to Fonz.
“He’ll be back. He may have to make a stop in prison first, but he’ll be back.”
Fonz and I are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, our backs against the arm rests. Every once in a while he tries playing toesies with me to lighten the mood.
We have the curtains open as we look out into the pitch black, waiting for Ethan’s Jeep to pull into the driveway. The only light coming from inside the house is from the TV, which is on mute. It’s been hours since Ethan stormed out of here. After he left, Fonz helped me in the shower. It was embarrassing and humbling, and I think a little disturbing for my dear friend. He helped me out of my pants and socks, and I turned away from him to remove my bra before he gently washed my hair and back as I stood before him in my underwear and cried. When I turned around so he could wash my face, I saw his haunted eyes.
That was the first time Fonz ever had to clean me up. It was always Ethan who dealt with the immediate wreckage Axel left behind. Fonz only saw the day-after bruises. That is, until the attack.
I’m now in one of Ethan’s T-shirts. Fonz tried to cover me with a blanket, but I refused it. I don’t want the comfort. I hurt Ethan. I hurt him so badly, so completely, and I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me. I don’t know what he’s doing right now, but I have a good idea, and I’m terrified of what the consequences may be.
Fonz’s phone beeps with a text. “Is it him?” I ask in a rush.
He shakes his head as he looks at his phone. “Matt.”
“You should go to him, Fonz. I know you guys are just making up. Don’t sit here with me when you could be mending things with him.”
“Nah, I’m making him sweat it out. Besides, I’m not going to leave you alone to wallow.”
I roll my eyes—well, my good eye. “I’m fine. Really. I’m just going to wait for Ethan to come home. Although he may ask me to leave.”
He shakes his head some more. “Not gonna happen.”
I look out the window into the darkness. “I’ve never seen him like that before.”
“I have.” I snap my head back toward Fonz. “The night of the attack. When Ethan and his parents got back from the hospital, I went to see him, and he was like a caged animal, stalking back and forth in his living room. DSS had taken you, and he was asking where you were and how long you would be gone. He was screaming and throwing shit. He even struck out at his dad and the guy had to tackle him to the ground and hold him in a bear hug—avoiding his injured hand, of course. I’m not even sure Ethan really remembered much of the outburst the next day due to the pain meds they gave him that night.”
I stare at Fonz, speechless. “I had no idea.”
Fonz looks at me sadly. “Why do you think the guy has nightmares?”
My mouth falls open. Reality sets in as I close my eyes and tip my head against the side of the couch. Good God, what have I done to him? “Here I thought maybe I could cure his nightmares, but it turns out, I’m the cause.”
“Not you,” Fonz bumps his foot against mine. “Axel. All this shit isn’t your fault, Ari. It’s his.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and run my hands up into my ratty hair that dried all scraggly and knotted. I pull at the roots and let the sting soothe me.
“I can’t imagine what it must have been like for him to see you like that all the time,” Fonz says softly. “It was intense, seeing you bloody and shivering tonight. For him to have helped you through that multiple times, and when you guys were so young, it couldn’t have been easy.”
I shake my head as my throat tightens. “It wasn’t. It was cruel, and he shouldn’t have had to do it.”
“He didn’t have to.”
I rest my chin on my arm, looking out the window. After a moment of silence, Fonz shuffles around. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”
“You go. I’m gonna stay here.”
I can tell he wants to fight me, but then he lets it go. “Come get me if you need me.” As he passes by, he gives my shoulder a squeeze.
I stay awake and try to silence the thoughts running through my head all night. I stare out into the darkness, my eyes sometimes deceiving me into thinking I see headlights. My bare arms and legs shiver as I sit, cold and alone, and wait for Ethan to come back to me—if he even will.
And I hate that I am not strong enough to help him outrun his demons.
***
The piercing sun blazes through the window onto my face. I’m in the same position I was last night, but now I have a blanket on me. I have no idea what time it is. Things are a little blurry, and I realize I can’t quite open my left eye all the way. Then I remember what happened.
Bringing my hand up, I gingerly touch my cheekbone and eyebrow and wince at the contact.
Music sounds from downstairs, and I know Ethan is working out. I want to go to him, but don’t know if that’s what he needs right now.
Before I can decide what to do, footsteps clamber as he comes up the stairs. I hear the refrigerator door open and close, and a moment later he slowly comes around the corner. He stops and we stare at each other, with nothing and everything passing between us. I see his eyes rove over my face, taking in the injuries that I’m sure look even worse this morning.
Finally, Ethan takes a tentative step forward, then another, until he stands over me. Bending down, he kisses my head and croaks out, “Morning, Red.” I look up and see his eyes are bloodshot with bags under them, his shirt is soaked in sweat, and he just looks overall … defeated. “Gonna grab a shower.” He turns and heads down the hallway.
I wish he would yell at me, throw things, scream and swear, and let me know how he feels, because anything would be better than wondering what he’s thinking and feeling right now.
After a while, I close my eyes and listen to the shower turn off, then the bathroom door open and close. I hear the banging of dresser drawers and the closet door, and then the jingling of a belt. I hear the bathroom faucet turn on and off, and the hum of Ethan’s electric toothbrush. Listening to the ambient sounds of his morning routine must put me into a trance-like state, because I startle when I hear his voice close to me.
“Why don’t you go to bed?” I pop my eye open and see him lowering himself onto the couch opposite me, tugging a boot on his foot.
I shake my head, and he frowns at me. “What time did you get home?” I ask softly.
He looks down at his hands as he laces his boot. “It was light out.” I notice little cuts on his fingers.
“Did, uh … Did you have to bury a body?” I’m not sure if I’m trying to be funny. Honestly, I don’t know how else to ask whether he killed Axel and if the police will be looking for him.
He huffs. “Wish I could say I did.” When I don’t reply, he offers up. “He wasn’t there. Waited all night for him, but he never showed.”
I think about that for a minute. “You know,” I try to recall, “I think he did say something about going out of town to pick up some engine parts.” Ethan looks unfazed as he tugs on his other boot. “You didn’t sleep,” I say. It’s not a question.
He shakes his head as he laces that boot. “Nah, too wired.” When he’s done he rests his elbows on his knees and looks at the ground.
“Where are you going?” It’s Sunday, so I assume he doesn’t have to work.
“I’m just going to head into the office for a few hours. We’ve got another special section this week and I could stand to get ahead on some things.” He clasps and unclasps his hands in front of him.
“Oh.” I scratch my neck. He doesn’t want to be here with me. “I can leave. I mean, if you don’t want me to be here, I can go back to my place. Give you space.”
“Your place is here, Ari.” I bring my eyes up to find him looking at me. He looks so tired. So, so tired. “Do you want to be here? With me?”
I nod repeatedly. “Yes.”
We both look away and sit in silence. After a while, I speak quietly. “There are so many things I wish I could undo.”
His head is down, but I see him nodding. “I don’t doubt that, baby.”
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Ask me anything. I promise I will be completely honest.” He raises his head and looks at me through strained eyes. “I have a lot of questions, Ari. But I’m too pissed to ask them right now.” His eyes bore into mine. “I am so fucking mad at you.”
If I thought anger was an appropriate form of punishment, I was wrong. Feeling the hurt and disappointment radiating off Ethan is a whole new form of pain.
He sighs and rubs his hands on his knees. “Really, you should go lay in bed.” When I shake my head vehemently, he changes tact. “What are you going to do today?”
I curl around myself tighter. “I’m going to sit right here and wait for you to come home.”
He frowns. “Why?”
“Because I’m worried.”
He smirks, but it’s not playful. “That makes two of us.” Ethan pushes himself into a standing position. “Do me a favor? Eat something, yeah?”
“You haven’t eaten anything,” I point out, knowing it’s true.
He grabs a hoodie off the couch next to him and tugs it over his head. “Don’t have much of an appetite.”
“That makes two of us,” I parrot him.
Ethan gives me a tight, forced smile, then swipes his keys, wallet, and phone off the coffee table. He takes three steps over to me, bends down, and kisses my head again. “See you later,” he murmurs against my hair. When he gets to the door, he opens it but pauses and looks back at me. “Would you ever …” He looks out the open door, then back at me, and I turn so I’m facing him. “Do things ever get as dark as they did the night of the accident?”
I tilt my head at him in question.
“What I mean is, would you ever do something like that again?”
It dawns on me what he’s asking, and my heart freefalls. “No!” I shout. “God, no. That was … That’s absolutely off the table. And that was a whole other time. I didn’t … I didn’t have you, Ethan.”
He nods and swallows. “OK.”
“And I’m never going back to that house. I will never talk to him again, I will never so much as speak his name. I’m done. It was one thing when he was hurting me, but I can’t bear it hurting you. I’m so, so sorry I never saw it before.”
Ethan runs his hand over his hair. “I should only be a few hours.” He walks out the door and pulls it closed with a soft click.
I have so much more I want to say, and I want to say it in such a better way, but the only thing that keeps repeating in my head is, “Please come back to me. Please come back to me. Please come back to me.”
I’m surprised when I hear his motorcycle fire up. He must really need a rush right now.