Chapter 28
Alistair promised that he would be back within the hour. It’s only been half that, and I’ve been pacing the whole time. But I can’t help my anxiety.
Alistair knows that his brother is an untrustworthy man, but he doesn’t know everything Orrin has done. He doesn’t know that the man who threatened me with the deaths of maids, the man who used me like a blade and punished me when I rusted, is the same man that he calls family.
But I’m not afraid of Orrin outing me as his pet. I’m afraid that he”ll hurt Alistair.
And thanks to Orrin”s ring, I won”t be able to stop him. The ring is half of a pair, but Orrin only has the one. It allows him to bind himself to one person, preventing that person from opposing him. But once someone is out of range of the ring’s magical influence, the magic fades and their choices are once again their own. Hence my multiple escape attempts.
It was this fact that Orrin complained about most often.
There’s a knock on the door and I spin, ready to pounce, my knife already drawn.
“It’s me,” Alistair’s muffled voice says. “Don’t attack, okay?”
Relieved, I stow my knife and open the door. He’s barely shut it behind him when I launch into his arms, holding on like he might evaporate if I let go.
He holds me close, burying his face in my hair. I breathe him in, wishing I’d thought to write everything down—how he smells, how he tastes, what he sounds like. I’m afraid written words might be all we have by the time this all ends.
“I’m okay,” he assures me, running his hand down the length of my hair. “He didn’t hurt me.”
“Alistair,” I begin, pulling back so I can look at his face. But I freeze when I see his expression. “You know.”
He nods, not letting an inch of space come between us. “He’s looking for you.”
It’s not a surprise, but I sag a little anyway. I knew Orrin would come, but I expected him to keep my identity secret so he could search the manor for me when Alistair wouldn’t notice.
I should have known better. Orrin is smart, he knows that I can’t leave. He doesn’t need to chase me down this time. He just has to find me.
“I told him that I’ve been free of women for two days and am not interested in dealing with another one,” Alistair says confidently. “I don’t think he fully believes me, but he thinks that I’m still just as self-obsessed as he is. He doesn’t know what I’m willing to do for you.”
“Even though I lied?” I drop my gaze from the unconditional forgiveness in his eyes.
He tips my chin up, gentle but insistent. “You were protecting yourself, and I suspect you were protecting me. How could I be upset about that?”
“But you’re not mad that I kept secrets from you?”
“I’m mad that my brother is responsible for your pain,” he growls, leading us to the sofa where he sits beside me. I bring my knees up to my chest, managing a small smile when he grabs my hand. “I’m mad that he’s gotten away with it for so long and I’m mad at myself for letting him get away with these behaviors when I could have stopped him.”
“Your brother killed your father. What makes you think he wasn’t prepared to kill you if you got in his way?”
He doesn’t have a response for that.
“Al, because of what you didn’t do, I had somewhere to run to,” I argue, squeezing his hand. “If you had stayed at the castle and tried to take over like your father wanted, you would be dead. Your mother probably would be too, and I still would have ended up as Orrin’s pet. What’s worse is that I wouldn’t have been able to find safety here because you wouldn’t be here.
”I know you’re not proud of your past choices—and I love you for that—but sometimes our mistakes have positive consequences that we can’t always foresee. You regret letting him get away with the things he did, but I think if you’d been this man then, you wouldn’t have opposed him. Not without allies and a plan. Because you know just as well as I do that if you’re going to take down the duke, you better not miss.”
Alistair sighs dramatically, pressing his forehead to mine. “I hate it when you’re right.”
“You must be filled with hate all the time then.”
He smiles and kisses my cheek, but I can’t quite return the expression. There’s just one more secret I need to stop carrying.
“I want to tell you why Orrin chose me,” I say, steeling myself to endure the shame that the story brings me. “I’ve never actually said it out loud before, but it’s something that I need you to know.”
Al shifts on the couch, turning so he can face me. “I’m listening.”
I take a deep breath, telling myself I won’t cry. But I know I will.
“When I was eight, my father died. He got sick one winter and just never recovered. It hit my mother hard. He was a good man, always humoring her whims and calling her his troublemaker.” The smile slides off my face as I think of my mother’s second husband.
“My mother married Paul when I was fourteen. I remember hating him the first time I met him. He had a greedy look about him, like everything and everyone could be summed up by their worth in gold coins. My mother was beautiful and according to Paul, that made her worth a lot. Looking back, I understand why my mother let him sweep her off her feet. He was charismatic and charming, and she couldn’t see the signs. But I could.”
The day everything changed comes back to me in a flood and I’m overwhelmed by the memories. Smoke, blood, pain, shame. They all flow through me in a rush and I take a deep breath to calm myself. Alistair squeezes my hands, but I don’t look at him. I can’t.
Not for this.
“You can go as slow as you need to, Stella,” he whispers. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I nod and wait for the emotion to settle enough that I can speak without blubbering.
“Mother died two years later in an accident,” I go on, swallowing back my tears. “A horse and cart were out of control and the injuries she sustained from the crash were too severe. She died before I could even say goodbye…and then I was left with Paul. In the eyes of the law, he was my legal guardian. Something that he loved to remind me of.
“He was a tyrant, treating me like his little slave. I cooked, I cleaned, and I even got a job washing clothes in town to support his habits. We shouldn’t have needed the money—Paul was a guard at the castle. But he wanted to live above our means.” I shake my head. Nothing was ever enough for Paul, and he didn’t care what it took to elevate himself. “I tried to run away a few times, tried to warn the town who he was, but no one heard. All they saw was a widower trying to care for his deceased wife’s wild child. They took me back every time.”
I used to hate them for it. How could they return me to a man who treated me like a dog? But now I understand. I’ve been the liar that everyone believes is innocent. I know how easy it is to fool someone. They didn’t know better.
“One night he didn’t come home,” I explain, recalling it in clear detail. “I wouldn’t have minded if he got himself killed in a bar fight, but his drinking always led to my strife instead of his when he promised things we didn’t have. So, I went looking for him. He was in a tavern, talking about my mother…” I swallow, trying to talk past the fury. ”He was telling a group of men what it had been like to bed her.”
Alistair’s hands squeeze mine tightly and rage settles over his face.
“I don’t even remember walking home,” I grind out, my face hot with the anger I still feel three years later. “I don’t remember waiting for him. But I do remember him stumbling through the door, completely inebriated. I remember calling him out for the things he said about my mother…and I remember how he hit me.” I can still feel the sting. I was shocked—I’d never been hit before. I’m even angrier now on my own behalf than I was then.
“He gave me a bloody lip and two black eyes and then told me not to leave the house until they’d healed. He started to stumble away, but I was so angry…” I shake my head, remembering the burning rage that had lit me from the inside. It felt like my body was on fire, and if I didn’t move, I was going to explode.
“I grabbed a knife from the table and ran at him.” I pause, staring at Alistair and my conjoined hands. I don’t want to see his face when he hears this part. “I stabbed him in the gut. He wasn’t ready for it. He hit the floor hard, and I left him there, bleeding out. It took hours for him to die, more than enough time for me to get help, but I didn’t. Instead, I sat in front of the fire and listened as he gasped out insults about my mother and called me horrible names. Then, when he was finally quiet, I made my plan.
“I waited two weeks so my injuries would heal. I knew that I needed to be as inconspicuous as possible when I finally left. I pulled his body into his room to help with the stench, but I knew I didn’t have the physical strength to bury him deep enough that he couldn’t be found. So instead, I waited until my face was healed, and then I slathered him in animal fat and set a fire.”
Images flicker behind my eyes. Paul gurgling on the floor, still so despicable even in his death that he mumbled unrepeatable things about me and my mother both. The moment when I threw up while covering him in the fat. He smelled so terrible, and I was so disgusted with myself that even after I stumbled out of the flaming house with my pack and my cloak, I threw up again.
“I watched the fire until the house was completely ablaze,” I manage to say between choked attempts to hold back tears. “And then I fled. I made it through two towns before Orrin tracked me down. A body had been discovered in the fire, though it was too far gone to identify it. But they knew it was a man and assumed it was Paul. Since my body wasn’t recovered, Orrin suspected that I had killed Paul and run. He was right.”
Tears turn to sobs, and then the sobs are so hard that my shoulders shake.
Alistair immediately reaches forward, hiding me away in his arms. I cling to him, hating myself, hating Paul, hating Orrin and even hating my parents for leaving me even though I know they didn’t choose it.
I’m nothing but shattered glass in Alistair’s embrace. Sharp pieces of me scrape against each other and I’m afraid I’ll cut him as deeply as I’ve cut myself. But he doesn’t let go. He doesn’t tell me I should be ashamed or that I should have tried harder to get away and not killed Paul.
He just holds me, stroking my hair and murmuring that he loves me.
“I know it doesn’t ease anything,” he sniffs, and I realize that he’s crying too, “But I’m so sorry, Stella. I’m sorry that your mother couldn’t see the monster. I’m sorry that the town couldn’t see it either. I’m sorry that you had to endure him and that he disparaged your mother like that. But I’m mostly sorry that you had to carry all of that around by yourself.”
“It’s only fair,” I spit out. “I killed him. Then lied about it. I deserve to feel burdened.”
Al pushes on my shoulders until I sit back. Then he cups my face, his expression stubborn and furious. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. Do you understand?” he demands softly. “You were a child who was treated like an animal. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. You were young and scared and angry and desperate.”
“But I killed him out of anger—”
“And out of love for your mother, and respect for yourself. I can’t say that killing someone is ever a good choice, but sometimes it’s the necessary one. Not all lines are clear, Stel. I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about, but I’m glad that you do. Because it means that you didn’t like taking life. That you grieve the life you took and the part of yourself you gave to do it.”
He leans closer, his green eyes boring into mine.
“Shame has no place with you, Stella Freemont. None.” He’s so certain that I start to believe him. “You are a compassionate, kind, brave person and I’m proud of who you are. If you need to be sad, be sad. If you need to be angry, be angry. But please don’t give in to shame. Because it’s a big fat liar.”
Still crying, I nod. “Thank you.” And then I collapse against him, holding him like he might be able to keep me together. “I don’t know that I can fully believe that right now, but I’ll try.”
“You’ll get there one day,” he murmurs, kissing the top of my head.
“There’s one other thing,” I say, remembering the gold quill in my room.
“I’m ready.”
“I have an artifact,” I admit bluntly. Surprised, Alistair lifts his head to look at me. “Orrin sent us to find it and I stole it from Jareth when I ran away. I don’t know what it does, but I know that Orrin needed it to build his empire, so it must be powerful. It’s been hidden in my room since I got here, and since the Poet’s words were that an artifact would be found in the manor—”
“You think the artifact you stole is what we need to get around the curse?” Alistair asks thoughtfully.
I shrug. “It’s worth a try. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it sooner. I honestly forgot about it until you told me what the Poet said, but then when I realized it might break the curse, I got scared that if you were able to leave…you wouldn’t want to deal with me. I just wanted a few more days with you.”
Genuine shock comes over Alistair’s face and he laughs. Laughs.
“Don’t mock me,” I snap, smacking his shoulder.
He kisses me, smiling. “I’m not. I just can’t imagine how you could believe that I wouldn’t want you. Slither, I’m willing to remain cursed until I die if it means I get to keep you. I love you, you beautiful idiot.”
Now it’s my turn to smile. “Call me an idiot again and I won’t share my artifact with you.”
“But I want to share all your artifacts,” he purrs, kissing my ear. “Right after you agree to marry me.”
I pull back, staring at him, wide-eyed. “Are you serious?”
He tucks my hair behind my ear, his look gentle and adoring. “I’m completely serious. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Wedded bliss and all that.”
I bite back a grin, but the anxiety caused by Orrin”s arrival keeps me from celebrating. “Ask me again after we take care of your brother.”
Alistair”s expression sobers and he pulls me into his embrace. ”We will take care of him, Little Wolf. And I will ask you to marry me. I promise.”
But right now, even something as strong as a vow feels fragile.