Chapter 23 Tate
twenty-three
Tate
January
Isnuck out of Robby’s room this morning.
Something I’ve never done before, but it’s not like either of us thought it was going to be more than a hookup.
For starters, I’m not one for long-distance relationships, especially with someone I've just met. Secondly, I don’t think I know a single thing about Robby aside from his name and the fact that he plays hockey.
Honestly, when we got back to his room, there was a moment when I didn't even think we were going to sleep together. I think he could sense the tension between Fletcher and me, and he didn't want me to do something I'd regret.
But I don't regret last night. I might've drank a little more than I usually do, and it might've been to numb the Fletcher and Casey pain, but hanging out with Robby was a relief.
We ordered room service, watched trashy reality TV, and ended the night releasing all the pent-up tension in my body.
“There she is.” Brinley rests against the car, her arms crossed. “I never thought Tatum Lewis would be the last one to show up here this morning.”
“I’m not,” I argue, reaching the car, hoping she can’t tell I just ran out of the hotel as fast as I could to avoid waking up Robby. “Ember and Maia are—”
“Getting coffee. We said 6:30, it’s nearly 7:15.”
“Yeah, sorry.” I scratch the back of my head. “Lost track of time.”
“You totally got laid last night!” She grabs my arm, pulling me toward her.
“Could you keep your voice down?”
I don’t know if I’m asking because of my pounding headache or the fact that Fletcher is staying at this hotel.
“Please tell me you didn’t just have sex with that guy because Fletcher was with Casey.”
“Why would Fletcher being with Casey make a difference?”
“Tate, we’re not stupid. There’s always been something between the two of you, and you’ve tried to ignore it, but it’s always going to be there until you finally move on.”
“And if I—”
“There she is.” I turn around to a smiling Ember extending her arm with a coffee. “For you.”
“Thank you.” I grin, taking a long drink. “This is exactly what I needed.”
“So, I’m the only one who didn’t get lucky, I take it?” Maia asks and takes a drink of her coffee.
“Declan and I didn’t sleep together. We just enjoyed each other’s company.”
We get into the car, and Brinley starts it up, cranking the heat.
“Birthday girl?” Maia leans forward from the backseat, her eyes glued to Brin.
“I’m not one to kiss and tell.”
I chuckle.
“Actually, you very much so are the type of person to kiss and tell. We know too much about your sex life.”
“That’s not true!” She gasps.
“Brin, we were friends for all of five minutes before you asked me if I masturbate,” Ember adds. “I almost had to leave your place because I wasn’t sure how to react.”
“I did do that. To be fair, I’m just very comfortable and open.”
“Our point exactly.”
As we hit the road, the car falls silent, with just the faint music from the radio drowning out the silence. I think we’re all still tired after last night and slowly letting the coffee bring us back to life.
“I hate to interrupt this beautiful quiet, but Maia told me there was a girl with Fletcher last night while we were getting coffee, and now I need to know all the details on that.”
“Her name’s Casey. She went to our high school.” I don’t look at them as I respond; I don’t know what my face will look like, and I don’t want to give myself away.
“And she was a total bitch,” Brinley adds.
“Brin.” I rub my temple.
“Okay, maybe not Mollie-level bitch, but she always had an I’m so much better than you attitude.”
She’s not wrong about that. Casey and I never really saw eye to eye. Not that we needed to, we weren’t friends. But she always made passive comments about people, including me. Just like she did that day in the grocery store.
“I hate people like that.” Maia cringes. “We had a girl like that at our high school; she tried to seduce Cam in the boys’ locker room our junior year.”
“It didn’t work.” Ember takes a drink of her coffee. “Cam let her down as gently as possible. Unfortunately for her, it didn’t take long for word to spread about the incident.”
Ember’s eyes land on Maia, and Maia throws her hands up in defense.
“It wasn’t me, I swear. I would never humiliate someone like that, even someone who went after my boyfriend.”
“Yeah, well, Casey once told Tate her field of study was cute, but you know, in that really condescending way. Like you could see the bitchiness in her eyes.”
I can’t believe Brin remembers that. We had to post our majors and where we planned to attend school on a giant map during the last month or so of our senior year, so everyone could see how spread out our senior class was going to be.
When I put my pin on the map, she said, 'Oh… music. That’s…
cute.’ And then she stuck her pin on the map, gave me the fakest smile, and walked away.
Like, sorry, Casey, not everyone wants to go to a fucking Ivy.
“Wait, and Fletcher’s dating this girl?” Ember leans forward, resting on the console between my seat and Brinley’s.
“I don’t know.” I shrug, sinking into the seat. “It seems that way.”
“She doesn’t sound like someone Fletcher would be interested in,” Maia argues. “Especially if he knew how she treated you.”
“If I tried to bring up my lack of enthusiasm with him dating Casey, he would just say I’m jealous and trying to break them up. I mean, I told him I felt like she was throwing passive comments at me when we ran into her at the grocery store, and he defended her over me, so.”
“He defended her?” Brinley glances over at me before her eyes meet the road again.
“Okay, maybe defend is the wrong terminology, but he did tell me I was reading into it.”
“Can I ask you a question?” Ember falls back into her seat, taking a sip of her coffee. I turn to face her, allowing her to continue. “Do you love him? And I don’t mean, ‘he’s my best friend, of course I love him,’ I mean, really love him.”
“Honestly, I think he’s the only boy I’ve ever loved. That’s the problem.”
“Why’s that a problem?” Maia raises an eyebrow.
“I have two parents who are supposed to love me more than anything, but act like I don’t exist. I practically raised myself, and then I met Fletcher and his family; suddenly, I wasn’t alone anymore.
How can I expect someone to love me in that way and stick around when even my own parents didn’t want to? ”
I know things could be worse. My parents could’ve actually abandoned me.
I thought about that a lot as a kid. What would my life be like if they had given me up?
Sometimes, I felt like it might be easier.
At least then, I could tell myself they gave me up because they loved me so much, they wanted me to have a good life.
Instead, I grew up with parents who were practically ghosts.
And once my mom found out I wanted to be a musician and tour the world instead of a surgeon or lawyer, I lost her last bit of interest in me.
“You know, I used to feel the same way.” Ember taps the top of her lid.
“I grew up with a mom who belittled me. She constantly told me I wasn’t good enough, but framed it as the world wouldn’t think I was good enough, so she didn’t seem like a bad mom.
She did that so much that I started to believe her.
I thought I wasn’t worthy of friends, life…
love. She was wrong, though. Declan helped me realize that. ”
“I appreciate you saying that, and I’m happy that you were able to find that, but Fletcher and I already went down that road. He shut it down.”
“Technically, you shut it down first. And it was only a kiss; you didn’t give it a real shot.” Brinley shrugs.
“We didn’t give it a shot because he didn’t want to. If he did, he would’ve fought for it.”
“Like you did?” Brin’s eyebrow raises.
I know she doesn’t mean anything by it. She’s not wrong. I could’ve told Fletcher that our kiss meant everything to me.
I didn’t.
Maybe I did run, but it was easier than looking my best friend in the face and telling him I’ve been in love with him since the day I met him.
“Fletcher and I aren’t going to happen, okay? Can we change topics now? Like, what are we doing for your birthday when we get back?”
“Of course.” Brinley reaches out and squeezes my forearm, ignoring my question. “I’m just saying, Fletcher doesn’t look at Casey the way he looks at you. He’s never looked at anybody the way he looks at you.”
I know she’s trying to help; most people would be excited to hear that. But me?
It only makes all of this hurt more.