Chapter 15 #3
I cast him a disbelieving look and he chuckled. While my mother had concerns about me moving to Milton specifically, I had noticed her thinly veiled relief that I was leaving Auburn. My failure to launch was humiliating for her, and she’d always cared deeply about appearances.
“She has concerns you will fall prey to immoral vices being so far from home,” Chance chuckled, like the idea was absurd.
Perhaps my mother knew me better than I thought.
“I live alone and unsupervised now,” I pointed out. And had definitely fallen prey to immoral vices.
Chance gave me a confused look. “You wouldn’t be alone on an outreach trip. You would be going with other singles. Men.”
Was that what she was concerned about? Since I couldn’t feel desire for anyone who wasn’t my soul bond, I didn’t really see what “immoral vices” Mother was stressed about, it’s not like I’d ever expressed an interest in drugs and I only ever had a glass of wine socially.
Not that it mattered, I wasn’t going anyway.
“Do you want to tell me why you were looking at those books?” Chance asked gently. “Is this about the outreach trip?”
Unlike my other dads or my mother, Chance would let me get away with not answering. He’d definitely take any concerns back to the family though—he wouldn’t be able to hide it from my mother even if he wanted to, that wasn’t how soul bonds worked. Better to reassure him if I could.
“Not just about that. I was curious if there’d ever been a scenario like mine before.” Not a lie. “I wanted to know if I was the only one.”
Chance gave me a sorrowful look, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. “A year ago, we put that question to the Elders.”
Of course you did. And yet, this was the first I was hearing of it.
Maybe the Elders had been the ones to propose I go into outreach, but I’m sure my parents’ visit to them had planted the seeds of that idea.
That disagreeable, monstrous darkness that I wasn’t meant to have rose up in me again, while I chanted ‘ be sweet’ silently on a loop, grinding my teeth.
“Did you consider mentioning that to me?” I managed to get out, not as softly as I’d intended to.
Chance scrutinized me carefully, like he was seeing something he hadn’t noticed before, and I forced myself to breathe normally and relaxed my grip on my cup.
“It wasn’t good news, sweet girl. We didn’t want to upset you,” Chance admitted apologetically. “There are other books at the temple, ones that are only available to the Elders and the Basilinna, that we were hoping to consult. To see if there had been a case like yours before.”
I took a long sip of my coffee to delay answering. The more upset I got, the more I ached for Riot. He’d quickly become an anchor for me when my feelings got so big it felt like they’d sweep me away.
“I understand you have concerns, and this is a very big move for anyone,” Chance said patiently. “But you could choose to look at it as an opportunity to travel the world, see places most agathos never get to see—”
“Perhaps I could look at it that way if it had been my choice to go,” I interrupted. The words almost stuck in my throat, just barely scraping the barrel of truth. Perhaps and could were doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.
“To be agathos is to relinquish choice,” Chance replied sadly, startling me with his candor.
It wasn’t like Riot hadn’t told me something very similar, but he was a daimon and programmed to think our way of doing things was wrong.
Chance was born and raised in Auburn and worked in the belly of the beast. Mother probably fainted with joy when the call led her to him.
“You were the last soul bond that Mother found, right?” I asked casually, taking another sip of my coffee.
“I was,” he said carefully, eyeing me like he wasn’t sure where I was going with this. I wasn’t really sure myself, but his comment had inspired a burning need to know if soul bonds were sunshine and rainbows all of the time.
If they were really the gift I’d always been led to believe it was.
“Did that ever bother you? Being last?”
Chance’s eyebrows lifted in surprise, but he gave the question genuine thought.
This was why he was my favorite father.
“At the time? Not so much. I was 22, and felt like I’d been waiting forever,” he replied with a wistful smile. “Of course, there is jealousy sometimes. Conflict, occasionally. Five individuals with their own wants and needs, it can be a lot to coordinate.”
I’d always presumed Chance had given up the least—he was from Auburn, everyone moved to him when Mother had felt called here.
I knew she’d struggled with his career, though.
Many agathos used local government jobs as a springboard to move up, their sights set on Washington.
Mother would have loved that, but Chance never seemed bothered by the idea.
“And Valor is your mother’s consort, the public face of all of our unions. That is not a complaint, just a statement of fact,” Chance continued.
I nodded silently, staring unseeing at the unlit candles in the fireplace.
I wasn’t even sure if I had a second soul bond, though it certainly seemed that way, but I definitely didn’t like the consort idea.
No matter what Riot had said about Bullet, I didn’t think he’d like it either.
Not when he’d talked so much about fairness.
“Are you looking for reasons not to want soul bonds?” Chance asked sympathetically.
“I already know you’ll tell me they’re a gift from Anesidora and you wouldn’t give them up for anything,” I replied wryly, struggling to keep the forbidden snark out of my voice.
“You’re right, they are a gift,” Chance said mildly. “But as you well know, for each gift, Anesidora requires a sacrifice. You can give good luck, but you receive bad luck in return. I can encourage self-restraint, but struggle with my own in return. We can take someone’s pain, but then we suffer.”
He gave me a pointed look and I wondered again if I was a bit slow for not realizing that sooner. Of course the gift of soul bonds came with strings attached. Nothing else was free, why would this be?
Not that anyone had ever thought to mention it before.
Chance’s phone flashed on the small table between us, and we both looked down to see a message from Mother, reminding him to come home and get ready. I was sure if I checked my phone, I’d find the same one.
Perhaps with a little more… encouragement.
“We should get back,” Chance sighed heavily. “Mercy will be glad to see you. She’s been in a terrible mood all weekend.”
“Because her emergence is coming up?” I asked, ignoring the burn as I quickly downed my coffee and stood. Whatever she discussed with me, it was unlike Mercy not to bottle up her unhappiness and put on a happy mask for my parents.
“Perhaps,” Chance replied, sounding surprised. “I hadn’t thought of that, but it is a stressful time. My guess was something at the community center didn’t go well, but I’m sure she’ll talk to you. See if you can find out what’s on her mind.”