Five
Jace
Nineteen years old
“We did it! We survived high school.” Nate wraps his arms around me, kissing me on the cheek. Not sure what made him start doing that but I remember when it first happened. Six months ago, when he’d wished me a happy birthday, he pressed his warm, soft lips to my cheek and I immediately became addicted.
“We did,” I agree. Shouldn’t I feel more joy over graduating? It’s a big deal, isn’t it? To get honors and be accepted into a four-year college of my choice.
It had been like the separation was happening all over again while I waited for my name to be called earlier. I was standing on the ceiling, watching my life unfold from someone else’s viewpoint as whispers filled my ears.
“He shouldn’t even be allowed on stage with the other kids,” one woman said.
“Probably the only time he’ll make his mother proud,” another spoke in a hushed whisper. Not low enough for me not to hear. Your ears grow more sensitive when you spend so much time in the dark. “I know guys like him. He’ll get bored and hurt someone. Guys corrupted from a young age usually do,” she continued.
More words had wrapped around me until my head spun and Nate took my hand, helping me leave them all behind before accepting my diploma. Yeah, we really did do it. Together. He made it easier to walk a straight line—to head in the right direction—because it always led to him. Getting great grades in school will get us into the same college, and graduating together will let us leave for college at the same time and avoid the bullies who kept me by his side at school when he needed me most.
“I’m so proud of my boys,” my mom says from beside us, my stepdad smiling as he wraps his arm around her. Or I should say, my official dad on paper. He’s been trying to adopt me for a long time and it finally went through last month. My dad fought to keep his rights and my mom fought even harder to have them taken away. She won, but then she also gained a new problem with me being her prize. Why did she want me so badly? Why now? There are still things I don’t understand about her leaving me behind with him, and her constantly saying she never wanted to be without me messes with my head too much.
“Know that I always wanted you here. Not a day went by while you were gone that I didn’t think about you,” she said to me on my eighteenth birthday, only months ago.
Yet she left me to suffer for eleven years. The worst part is, some of the memories of my dad still show up in my head as fond ones. They were our best days together, but my mom has shown me over the years that there was nothing good about them. Doesn’t she understand? She’s part of the reason my brain is broken. I didn’t realize I needed to be saved. I didn’t know there was a better life out there. It’s hard to when you’re taught at a young age to view your monster as a hero.
“How about one more picture before you two leave us for the next three days?” my stepdad says, pulling me from my reverie.
“But my hair’s all messed up from my hat,” Nate whines in the cute way he sometimes does.
“Then put your hat back on. Problem solved.” I ruffle his hair and he elbows me in the side.
“You and your bright ideas.”
“That is why they call me the smart brother,” I deadpan and Nate shoots me a glare.
“Literally no one has ever called you that.”
“Alright, you two goofballs look this way and smile.” Terry lifts his phone while Nate is adjusting the hat on his head. He smells like peppermint and honey when he presses his cheek to mine, my arm wrapping around his shoulder as we “cheese” big for our parents.
“This one’s definitely going on the main living-room wall,” Terry says, showing my mom. She beams, holding a hand to her chest.
“You sure you both wouldn’t rather come to dinner with me and Dad instead of meeting your friends to go camping?”
Nate rolls his eyes. “We’ve had dinner with you guys every day for like the last hundred years.”
“I think your brother is definitely right to call himself the smarter one based on your counting skills,” Terry jokes.
We all erupt into laughter before hugging our parents goodbye, promising my mom we’ll take her to a fancy restaurant and buy her the most expensive meal on the menu when we get back home.
“You both be careful. Call us if you need anything.” My mom waves our way and we slip into Nate’s car.
“Bye. Stay out of trouble while we’re gone,” Nate shouts, sliding into the driver side.
“I hope you packed lots of sunscreen,” I say, glancing over at Nate’s pale skin. The guy turns red after standing in the sun for five minutes, never failing to come home with sunburn after our days spent at the pool during summer.
“And I hope your ass gets in the water with me.”
Tugging on my seat belt, I buckle in as he pulls out of the packed parking lot, people rushing between cars to meet up with friends and family.
“I’ll think about it.”
“You always say that. We’ve been to the pool together how many times? And you’ve yet to dip more than a toe in.”
I snort, searching through the playlist on his phone. “Then I promise to at least dip a whole foot in this time if it’ll make you happy.”
“Pretty sure you owe me a whole two legs at this point.”
“Sounds like you’re placing a KFC order.”
Shaking his head, he side-eyes me as I hit play on one of his many summer mixes. “Cool for the Summer” by Demi Lovato plays and he turns up the volume, drowning out my singing.
“On second thought, I think I’ll just drown your ass when we get there.”
I laugh and he shouts the lyrics at the top of his lungs, not taking more than a few seconds between songs to rest his vocal cords the whole way there. Several of Nate’s friends already have their tents set up by the time we park and get out. Hot dogs and hamburgers are on the grill, music playing while two cheerleaders dance on one of the picnic tables.
Inching closer to Nate, I whisper in his ear, “Why did I agree to come again?”
“Because you love me and you’ve never been to a lake before.”
He got me on both counts for sure. I’ve dreamed about the beaches I’ve seen on TV so many times, and this is probably as close as I’ll ever come to one. I’m still having too much trouble adapting to the world around me to travel anywhere too far from home, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. Being out here in a new place only an hour away is terrifying enough. “Maybe,” I say, smirking.
“I think you’ll be much happier once we get our tent set up and we’re roasting s’mores on the fire.”
I’ll be better once it’s only us. Sure, I’ll get to see a lake in person for the first time, but I’ll also be sharing a small tent with Nate, sleeping right next to him. We’ve fallen asleep on the couch next to each other before but this feels different somehow. I’ll get to wake up, turn around, and see his face. How does he sleep when he’s under the covers now that he’s older? Does he still wear cute pajamas with fireflies on them, or does he wear less clothes?
Heat spreads in my groin, and this has been something that only started happening after I noticed how good his lips felt on my skin. Fuck. He’s my stepbrother—well, my adopted brother now—but shit, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wanted his lips to move a little to the left earlier. It’s not like we’re blood related, and we didn’t exactly grow up together.
“Want to eat before I put you to work?” His words pull me away from my conflicted thoughts.
“Put me to work, huh? This means I’m putting that tent together all by myself, doesn’t it?”
He purses his lips, batting his lashes. “You know how uncoordinated I am. I’ll just get in the way. You’ll be more productive without me.”
I roll my eyes. “And what will you be doing? Sitting pretty in a chair, watching me do all the hard work?”
A pretty blush spreads across his cheeks. “I like to call it supervising.”
Sputtering a laugh, I shake my head. “Yeah, okay Mr. Supervisor. How about you add a hotdog on top of that.” His laughter drifts off into the distance as I head for the car to collect the tent from the trunk. My stomach clenches when I see Rick laughing with another guy from the football team. Of course his ass is here. Maybe they ruled high school, but they won’t be shit to anyone in college. Rick didn’t get the football scholarship he’d hoped for. I couldn’t help but smile at that. It’s not often guys like him get what they deserve.
Rick’s smile falls when his eyes land on me, and his friend looks my way when he whispers something in his ear. I grab the tent and our bags, looking anywhere other than where the loud snickering is coming from.
“Look. Nate brought his dog with him,” Rick’s friend chimes.
“Nah, dogs are more civilized than that freak. He better set his tent up far away from everyone else’s. Who knows what kind of shit he’ll pull when we’re all sleeping.”
I keep walking, ignoring them like I have been during our last weeks of school. I’m too close to being out of here with Nate to fuck up now. At first I didn’t want to go to school in another city, but the thought of being far away from these fuckers and this gossiping town increases the appeal.
“Everything okay?” Nate pulls a bottle of water from an ice chest, water dripping from the plastic.
“Yeah. Just Rick being his usual asshole self.”
Anger flashes in Nate’s big blue eyes. “What did he say?”
I drop everything to the ground and wave him off. “Nothing. It’s not important. Where’s this hotdog you were supposed to be getting me?”
His smile is back, and if only it were possible to wrap myself in it and get forever lost in the hope it gives me. “Oh, right.” He takes a swig of his water. “I’ll be back.”
In only ten minutes, I have the tarp for the pop-up tent fully open, and Nate returns carrying plates in both hands and a chair under his arm. Balancing the plates on top of one another in one hand, careful not to drop our food, he unfolds the chair as best he can with the other. Jumping to his rescue, I grab the food from him before it can all crash to the ground. “Looks like I need to supervise you instead.”
He swats me away, straightening out his chair before sitting down. “Is that your way of thanking me for getting you food?”
“No. My thanks happened when I stopped you from feeding the ground instead of us.” I wink, handing him his plate.
I open a chair next to his and we eat our food in mostly silence, taking in the noises of nature. Chirping, buzzing, and swaying branches. Large trees look like they’re touching the sky, and birds fly above the setting sun.
“So this is camping?”
Nate smiles, swallowing his last bite of hotdog. “Yup, and it’s only going to get worse from here.”
After we have the tent fully set up and where we want it, far from the others, we lay out our sleeping bags next to each other. Nate grabs our bags from the car and I examine our camping area before settling in front of the fire with some of the others. Rick and his girlfriend are out swimming in the lake, and I’m able to relax a lot easier with him gone. Nate’s latest crush, Gabe, hands me a beer and smiles down at me. “You need to loosen up a bit man. Have fun. Relax and shoot the shit. This is our last summer of not having to worry about adult responsibilities.”
“Right,” I respond, twisting the cap open with my palm and pocketing my trash, not wanting to join in on everyone else’s littering frenzy. Gabe plops down into one of the chairs next to me, not deliberately avoiding me the way the rest of his friends do, and when Nate’s finished laughing with some girl he hardly talked to at school, he turns to me and whispers, “Remind me to add ‘cares about the earth too much’ to your notebook when we get home.”
I stifle a laugh, rolling my eyes, and he leans his shoulder against mine, his eyes glowing from the fire. I’m here for him. I’ll go anywhere he asks me even if I don’t care for anyone else around us.
“So who’s going to tell the first spooky story?” Gabe asks before sipping his beer.
“Oh, I will,” one girl says, raising her hand. It’s hard to keep up with all these people’s names, especially when they all dress and act alike. Why does Nate hang out with these assholes? I guess Gabe isn’t so bad, but he also isn’t my favorite person either.
Even though Nate never admitted it, I know Gabe is the real reason for him coming. At least the main selling point. I mean, I guess I get it. The guy’s charming, classically handsome, with perfect hair. Not to mention his mom isn’t married to Nate’s dad.
Would it really make a difference anyway? Nate and I probably wouldn’t be as close as we are if we didn’t live together. He’d still talk to me, though, only because he has a thing for rescuing wounded wild animals who no one else wants to be around. I’m very similar to the malnourished one-eyed kitten he picked up from the road three days ago and took home to nurture back to health.
The only difference is, the kitten has a better chance in blending back in with society than I do. He has a defect on the outside which people will overlook in time, but no one here will ever forget where I came from and what I did before. It’s an inner demon they assume I’ll always carry, eventually going off like a ticking time bomb.
I know they’re all waiting for it with bated breath by the way they keep their distance at the grocery store and leave the church bench my family sits at mostly empty. The kitten will go on to be like the rest of his kind, with his other senses heightening to make up for the lost eye. I, on the other hand, am as unpredictable as the man who raised me, hiding a dark side that has yet to be discovered.
They won’t ever stop reminding me I’m the same as my father, and Nate won’t stop pointing out all the ways I’m different.
“ Your dad is the nightmare people ran from, and you are the type of person who wakes them up so they can be okay again,” he told me once, as we sat in an abandoned tree house in the woods behind our house.
Nate perks up beside me, a red solo cup in hand with something amber colored swirling inside as he rests it in the cup holder. “Oh, is it that time already? I love camp stories.”
“Yup, and Tina’s up first. Let’s see what you got. I better be scared shitless soon.”
Tina laughs, scooting to the edge of her seat. Clearing her throat, she sits up tall and presses her palms to her knees. “It all started with a man named Cole. He was very plain and ordinary looking. Like every other thirty-something-year-old, he yearned for more than the life he had. The white picket fence, wife, and adorable baby boy no longer satisfied him.” She takes a breath before continuing, everyone eyeing her closely with intense gazes, including me. “It started with picking up men at clubs for nothing more than innocent conversation, but quickly turned into dirty hook-ups in bathroom stalls and the back of his blue pickup. His wife learned of his endeavors and threatened to leave, but he wouldn’t have that, so he started hitting her, leaving her weak and helpless after every fight.”
“This doesn’t sound like a ghost story to me,” one guy says.
“You guys wanted scary and that’s what I’m giving you. Now, can I keep going or not?” She shoots me a smile, a glint in her eyes. Gnawing fills my stomach. I have a really bad feeling about where this is going.
“Yes, please do,” Gabe encourages and I scratch at my knees nervously. This story sounds like one I’ve heard before, and that’s because it is. She doesn’t have to talk much longer for me to know what direction she’s heading in, mentioning men kept in the basement as sex slaves. The moment she brings up the emotionless boy who was too eager to make his dad proud, I shoot up from my chair and head through a grouping of trees. A mixture of laughing and yelling fades in the distance. I don’t have to look to know the person jumping to my defense is Nate.
Footsteps trail behind me, leaves crunching loudly the closer they get. “Jace,” Nate’s whispers mix in with the slight breeze.
“Go back to your friends,” I say, pressing my face to the tree bark, suppressing my tears. They won’t see me cry. They can never see me cry. No matter what. Crying was also against the rules, and I wait for my father to pop out at any moment to remind me with his closed fists or by dunking my head in the dirty sink water.
“If you want to go home, we can.”
Sniffling, I lift my face and shake my head. “No. This is supposed to be the highlight of your whole summer.”
A hand rests on my shoulder and his lips press to my ear. “No. Spending this time with you is. Let’s get out of here and camp out in the old tree house instead.”
Turning around, I swipe hair from his face. “I won’t let them chase me away every time. Besides, we don’t have to see them after this.” I hate the idea of them ruining this for him.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. It’s not like I haven’t heard it all before.”
“You shouldn’t have to hear it at all. Ever.” Wrapping his arms around me, he buries his face in my neck. Holding him closer to my body, I turn my nose into his hair, inhaling the fire smoke mixed in with his shampoo. If only we didn’t have to move for the rest of the night. I’d be perfectly content right where I am.
“How about I grab my swim trunks and we go down to the lake together. Just us.” He pulls away, eyes twinkling with hope.
“A different area from where Rick and his flavor of the week are, right?”
He laughs. “Definitely. Come on.” He drags me back to camp and the rest of the group is right where we left them, gathered around the fire, telling stories. They’ve moved on from the last one, not paying us any mind.
“I’m going to walk ahead,” I say, before parting ways with Nate at the tent. I quickly pass the drunk, hollering idiots, staying in all the lit up areas as I walk onto the path leading to the water. Crossing over a small bridge, I stop halfway at the sound of a high-pitched scream.
“Wait,” a familiar voice says through the trees behind me. Nate. Stomach lurching, I pound my fists against my thighs as I stomp toward the shouting voices. Gabe has Nate pinned to a tree, Nate squirming beneath his hold and pounding his fists against Gabe’s muscular chest. Despite Nate’s eagerness to get away, Gabe doesn’t let up, sliding his hand up Nate’s shirt.
“I thought you said you liked me.”
“Please, let me go. I’m supposed to meet my brother at the lake,” Nate protests and Gabe laughs, undoing the tie on Nate’s swim trunks. “I’ll let you go once we’re done. You want this too. I know you do.”
Gabe is bigger than me, his muscles and large build are usually intimidating, but him ignoring Nate’s objection triggers something fearless inside me. Marching forward, I grab him by the neck and yank him back so hard he loses balance and lands on his ass. “What the fuck, asshole,” he spits.
“He told you to let him go.”
“This is none of your fucking business. If he really wanted to, he could’ve gotten away. Right, baby?” Gabe shoots Nate a pleading look.
“Don’t fucking talk to him.” Turning to Nate, I cup his face with my hands, lowering my face a little. “You okay?”
Nodding, his bottom lip curls in a little. Fingers grab at my shirt, forcing me to turn around, and I dodge the fist coming toward me by ducking my head. Gabe groans when his hand is met with the tree and all it does is anger him more. He tries to hit me again so I grab his wrist and twist it so hard he screams in agony, something snapping under his skin.
“What the fuck did you do that for?” He clutches his arm to his chest. “I think you broke it.”
“Good. You should probably leave and get that looked at.”
“You know what? He’s not even worth all this trouble.” His jaw clenches and he rushes off through the trees, heading back to camp.
“You sure you’re okay?” I ask again, reaching for Nate’s shoulder, peering deep into his shiny eyes.
“Yeah. I am now. Let’s go swimming.”
“You sure you don’t want to head back or leave?”
“We aren’t going to let them ruin our trip, remember? And we can go after we see the lake.”
He knows this is how he can get me to go in the water, and he’s not one to miss an opportunity. Not when it’s being handed to him on a silver platter.
“Okay, lead the way.”
Smiling softly, he’s already looking more like his usual happy-go-lucky self. People keep trying to take that from him but I won’t let them. Fingers wrapped tightly around my hand, he drags me to the lake. The water is black, with a golden hue reflecting back from a large lamp standing tall over the dock.
Stepping closer to the edge, he shimmies out of his shirt and jumps, disappearing into the lake for way longer than I’m comfortable with. Then bubbles rise to the top, followed by a wet, smiling Nate. This is the him I love seeing—free, and like he’s standing on top of the world. Ready to be there with him, I kick off my flip flops, lower myself on the deck, and dip my feet in.
“Come closer,” he says, swimming back a little.
“You know I can’t swim for shit.”
“Hold on to the deck when you get in.”
“What about when I can’t?”
“Then hold on to me.” His shiny lips part and before I know it, I’m dunking my whole lower half in, keeping my hand on the withering wood. Cold water stabs at my skin and the darkness surrounding my waist has my heart jumping in my throat.
“I’m right here. Look at me,” Nate says quietly, swimming closer. As if waiting for the perfect moment, fireflies loop around us, lighting up Nate’s face. Leave it to light to follow him everywhere he goes, and as long as he’s here, I’ll always have enough of it to help me find my way out of dark places.
He reaches out his hands and I take one at a time, slowly peeling myself off the dock. I grab on tighter when I start to sink and he laughs, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Better?” His lips are so close I can smell his cherry chapstick. It takes everything in me not to stick my tongue out for a quick taste.
“Yeah.” I looked out for him earlier and he’s paying me back by doing the same. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. I seem to have a knack for attracting all the jerks, huh? I told him he could kiss me and then he decided to take things too far. It’s stupid of me to think any of these guys would be willing to go at my pace and care about my needs as much as their own.”
“Nah, you’re not the stupid one. They are. They’re the ones who miss out in the end. Just because they aren’t what you need them to be, doesn’t mean you won’t find someone who is.”
“Yeah, and maybe I already have. I just keep looking in the wrong place.”
I freeze when he swipes a thumb over my bottom lip. “You’d always stop if I needed to. Put me first and consider my feelings. You’d make sure everything was good for me too. Wouldn’t you?”
“I . . .” I stumble on my words, nodding solemnly. “Of course.”
“Then you should have been the one to do it.”
“Do what?” My breaths quicken, my chest expanding.
“Give me the best first kiss I’ve always dreamed of. You still can. I’ll pretend you were the only one I’ve ever let try.”
Before I can open my mouth to speak again, he presses his lips to mine, his warm tongue slowly pushing its way into my mouth. I slide a hand into his hair, intensifying the kiss, and he leans into me, sweeping in faster and deeper than before. We could be sinking and I’d never notice, my heart soaring above the water enough for the rest of me. We both pull away, gasping for air, and he presses his nose to mine, smiling. “Thanks for always being what I need, whenever I need it.”
Does this mean he only needs me in this way right now? Will this be the last time I’ll feel his lips on mine? Experience the taste of him lingering on my tongue? Will he eventually find someone who gives him more than I can? So many questions swim in my head, leaving me nauseated. Maybe it’s better I don’t know the answers. If I avoid them for as long as possible, I can pretend he’s finally mine for a little longer.
Deciding it’s better to say nothing, I rest my head against his, running a hand down his back. He rubs his lips over mine, breathing in deeply, until loud voices in the distance have me jerking away.
“We uh . . . should head back now.” If we keep going I’ll get too used to this, and I can’t let that happen or else I’ll want his mouth all the time, and eventually more.
“But I like it out here.” He pouts, holding me in place.
“I don’t think we’re going to be alone for much longer, and if we do plan on heading back home tonight, we should leave before it gets too late.”
“Then we’ll stay, and leave first thing in the morning.” He rubs his nose over mine. “Will you stay in here with me a little longer?”
I hesitate, and when he tugs me closer to his body, I sigh in defeat. He really does feel too good to pull away from a second time. “If you don’t leave the water, then neither will I.”
Humming happily, he kicks his legs and drags me further out into the lake, then lets me go. Panic rises in me when he backs away, but I relax the moment I realize my feet can touch the bottom. “You told me it was too deep for us to stand in.”
Looking smug, he swims closer to me again. “No, you assumed, and I just suggested that you hold on to something if it made you feel better.”
“Uh-huh.” Smiling, I rest my hands on his waist, spinning him around. “Ever danced with someone in the water before?”
“Not until now. It would be a lot better if we had some music, though.” Lifting one of my hands in the air, he sways us side to side, humming a song I recognize. I join in, singing the words, and we keep going in circles until we’re both falling back in the water laughing.
Loud voices get closer and other people jump into the water, invading our perfect moment. I climb out after Nate and we walk back to camp, dripping wet and shivering. Only one person is left sitting by the fire, wrapped in a blanket and dozing off in the chair. We quietly sneak by him and crawl into our tent. Using one hand to turn on a small night light, Nate hands me a towel and strips out of his trunks with no warning.
He’s so beautiful and I don’t need much light at all to see that. Unable to tear my eyes away, I watch him until he has on a pair of dry pajamas. “You going to get changed, or what? You’re getting our sleeping area wet.”
Hiking a shoulder up, I smirk. “I was waiting to make sure you didn’t need help first.”
Snorting, he turns away as I change into a clean pair of joggers, not bothering with a shirt. I crawl into my sleeping bag and Nate scoots closer to me, turning around so our eyes meet. “How about we tell our own stories before bed?”
“I suck at storytelling,” I admit, and he laughs, undoing his sleeping bag enough to grab my hand.
“I’ll start then.”
“You’ll finish too,” I say pointedly, and that earns me an eye roll.
He goes on about some ghost in a haunted mansion, but before he can start another story he yawns, his eyes partially closing.
“I think someone’s all storied out for the night.”
“Yeah.” He unzips his sleeping bag all the way down and then mine to snuggle closer to me. His warmth calls to me and I wrap my arms around his waist, burying my nose in his hair. We’ve never cuddled like this before, but we’ve also never kissed either. I don’t mind any of it. I’ll just sit back and let him take the wheel, move at his pace, and hope we always go forward instead of back.