Twelve
Nate
Jace wakes up screaming multiple times throughout the night, and at one point he holds me in place, squeezing me so tight my bones ache under the weight. I can’t push him off no matter how hard I try, eventually giving up the fight and going slack in his hands.
“You need to go back,” he says. “You can’t be here.” Tears glisten below his eyes as the sun starts to pour into the room.
“Jace,” I say, stroking his cheek. “It’s okay. You’re dreaming.”
“Don’t,” he screams. “We’ll both get in trouble if you fight. Do you want that?”
My heart hurts. I wish I could do more for him at this moment, and eventually my attempts to wake him up have his eyes flying open. Fear is etched in his expression, his body tensing and features strained.
“Jace,” I say in a soft voice, kissing his lips as his arms fall away from me. “Are you here with me?”
“I . . .” His bottom lip trembles. “Did I hurt you again?”
Letting out a soft breath, I shake away the pain in my arms that will no doubt spout bruises tomorrow. “No,” I lie. He doesn’t need more reason to punish himself and he can’t control what he does in his sleep. I know what happens when he has nightmares and I stayed anyway. I stayed because he needs me, and because I need him—to feel him breathing and fighting to be here.
“You should go back to sleeping in your own bed. You’re not safe in mine.” His voice wavers.
“I don’t want to. I already told you I’m fine,” I exclaim.
He shakes his head, flipping to his back. “I don’t like hurting you. I don’t like knowing it was me who gave you a black eye or left fingerprint bruises on your neck. I don’t—”
I pull his face toward mine. “Look at me. I’m fine. You’ll only hurt me if you push me away, so please don’t.”
His eyes hold on to mine, his throat bobbing. “I don’t want to, but I will if it keeps you safe from me.”
A heavy weight settles on my chest, a twisting sensation making it hard to breathe. So many people failed him—so damn many—but I won’t be another person on that list. “I don’t need to be kept safe from you.”
He shuts his eyes, takes a breath, and opens them again. Big, brown, and soft. No danger or maliciousness to be found, only worry and sorrow. “I’m not so sure.”
“I am.” I rub my nose over his, kissing his slanting lips, needing the corners to lift for me again. “Want to tell me what they were about? Maybe talking about what happened will help you feel better.”
Muscles jump in his throat as he swallows hard. “It’s my dad. I see him and then I become him. I’m the one making someone else drag those people into the basement. I’m the one everyone hides from.”
A lump lodges in my throat. “You’re not him and he’s not you. You were a victim too. He hurt you just as much as he hurt them. If you can come to terms with that while you’re awake, then maybe you won’t see yourself as anything else in your dreams either.”
“He didn’t, though. I wasn’t sold off like some shiny toy for someone to do what they pleased with. I got a second chance at life, in a good home and a safe environment. What do they get? More torture? Nightmares they can’t wake up from? He died, you know.”
My eyes widen, heart stopping in my chest. “Who did?”
“The man everyone thought I saved.” He sniffs. “He was in a coma for weeks before his family decided to let him go. “He suffered too much head trauma and it was my fault. Our tumble down the stairs. I killed him. I looked it up a few years ago, not sure I wanted to know what happened to him. I needed to know, though.”
“Oh, Jace.” My heart wrenches, unable to let up when I look deeper into his eyes. So much pain and torment takes over. I never knew the man died. I thought Jace saved him that day too.
“I only saved myself. And for what?”
“No, Jace. You saved the others who would have come after him. Your dad would have kept taking more men home, and now he can’t thanks to what you did.”
“But what about the men he worked for? They’ll keep doing it. They’ll hire others. They’ll replace my dad and it’ll never end. So did I really help anyone? The guy had a family. He . . .” A sob escapes him. “He was supposed to attend prom a month after he was taken. He was younger than I am now.”
“You can’t keep thinking about all that. You can’t. You’ll only drive yourself mad.”
“I haven’t thought about it in a while. Not until I saw him again last night. I . . . I forgot about what I’d done. I forgot like it was nothing. I went on like it was nothing while his parents had to bury him in the ground. I got to be happy and graduate when that was all taken from him by me.”
“Tell me what I can do to help you. Tell me what you need.”
He shuts his eyes, pulling away. “I don’t know. Just sit here with me and talk about something else.”
“You want to forget again?”
“No. Just be distracted. To remember that not everything in my life has been bad.”
Smiling softly, I sit up against the headboard when he does, taking his hand in mine. “Okay. So have you seen Starla’s new haircut? She looks like she stuck her finger in an electric socket.”
He snorts and there it is, that little curve of his lips. His face turns, cheek pressed to the cold wood as he strokes the inside of my palm. “Still jealous of the girl next door, huh?”
I roll my eyes, scooting closer until our hips touch. “Nah. She’s not the one who gets to be under the covers with you while you’re in your underwear.”
He barks out a laugh, pressing his forehead to mine. “No she doesn’t. That’s reserved for you and you alone.”
“It better be,” I say in a sultry tone. Wanting to pull him further from his nightmares, I trace the seam of his lips with my tongue and slide my hand between his legs. Hiking up my fingers, I brush the tips over his swelling head, only a thin layer of fabric preventing me from touching skin with skin. I need that. I can tell by the needy look in his eyes that he does too.
My mouth claims his, my tongue thrusting between his parting teeth. His fingers gently tug at my hair as he deepens the kiss, tasting more of me, and our heavy breathing turns into desperate pants as I tug on his underwear, yanking them down his hips as he lifts his bottom. I kick them down by our feet and his mouth presses harder to mine, our breaths becoming one.
I take off my underwear next, climbing on top of him and reaching for the lube I tucked away in his drawer. Straddling his lap, I smile against his lips, lifting up my hips to finger myself. I slick up my hole until I’m dripping, spreading myself wider with two fingers.
He pulls his head back, flicking his eyes at me, his hand on my shoulder. “What are you doing?”
A moan escapes my throat as I rub my ass over his stiff cock. “I need you inside me. I want to be as close as I can to you. To feel like we’re one.”
He licks his lips, stroking my lower back. “You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure. Make love to me, Jace. I want all the first times with you I can have. I want all of you, all you’re willing to give me.”
“Everything,” he breathes. “I want to give you everything, baby.”
Balancing myself on my knees, I lift up to line his head with my hole. Slowly, I press down, taking him inside me inch by inch. My hole squeezes around him, the tight rings of muscle making a popping sound as he breaches my entrance.
“Fuck. You feel so good. I don’t think I can last.”
“It’s okay. I don’t want you to. Come inside me. Make me feel more like yours, big brother.”
His eyes darken and he pumps his hips upward, sliding deeper into me, and a slight pain surges inside me as I let out a small gasp.
Bottoming out, he goes still, running his hand up and down my back again. Our skin creates sparks everywhere. A fire cracks between us as we start moving against each other again, my hips slapping down to meet his.
Our lips collide, teeth clashing as we swallow down each other’s moans with our hungry mouths. Skin slaps skin as I ride him faster, my cock jolting between us. Hot squelching sounds push me closer to the edge and the discomfort of feeling like I’m being split in two dissolves. Pleasure sprouts through me, so strong it makes my muscles tense. Together we’re making the world spin, reminding him there’s so much good he can still have, that he’s stronger than the nightmares and gets a say in where his mind goes—right here with me.
“That’s it. Stay with me. Watch me. Think of me.” I bury my face in his neck, rocking my hips and riding the wonderful waves of ecstasy. Reaching between us, he strokes my cock, and more beautiful sensations crawl up my spine. I lift my face, rubbing my cheek over his as I wrap my arms around him. My body goes slack as I let him take over, giving him all the power here.
What happens next is his choice, and I fight back my orgasm, not wanting to come until he’s ready for me to.
“You’re close, aren’t you baby? I can feel that pretty hole locking onto my cock like a vise. Fuck, it’s milking me so good.”
“So close. Need to come soon. But only when you feel I should. Only when you think I’m ready.” He can’t always control what goes on in his head, but right now he can control me, and fuck does it feel good letting him.
Flutters erupt in my lower stomach, a heat surging through me the longer I hold back. He edges me with his cock and hand, lips tickling my ear as I wait to hear those magic words. I can feel his lips curl, his warm breath kissing my skin as he bucks his hips.
Sweat gathers between us and he kisses my cheek. “Look at you, flushing a pretty pink. On the verge of tears. You going to cry for me? I was told tears can be a good thing. Can you show me?”
I nod, choking on a breath as he brings me higher into the sky. “It’s starting to hurt.”
“But you like it, don’t you? Hurting you doesn’t always have to be bad. I don’t mind causing you this kind of pain. Not if it makes you fly and look this damn free.”
“Yes. Please don’t stop. I need more.”
His hand goes still on my cock and he licks at one of my nipples before tugging it with his teeth. I spasm out of control, my balls full and tender. Fingers moving again, he strokes my shaft slowly, my skin feeling like there’s a fever burning me up from the inside.
Hole overly sensitive and cock twitching, tears spring from my eyes. It’s too much. All of it. But also everything in the whole world. Who would have thought something so torturous could drive me closer to heaven. The sky is opening up above me, bathing me in light when he says, “Just a little longer. I need you to hold out a little longer for me.”
He comes with a low grunt, cock pulsating inside me as he fills me with hot liquid. I squirm, my skin tight and my head light.
Biting at my nipples again, he tightens his fingers around my painful erection. He squeezes around me, loosening his grip as he works his way back up my base. His skin rubs over mine, creating wonderful friction and sensations. Stars appear behind my lids when I shut my eyes, and he parts his lips over my ear. “Come for me.”
Letting go of all restraint, I slump against him, coming so hard I temporarily black out. My body feels both overused and restored. The room spins when I open my eyes, his hands creating tingles as he caresses my skin.
“You’re so amazing. So perfect. The best kind of good I could ask for.”
The door creaks open and we both freeze, my high quickly fading when I hear a loud gasp.
“What the hell is going on here?”
Our mom stands in the doorway, clutching her hand to her chest. Eyes wide and face pale, she steps closer. Her gaze shifts up and down as she takes in our linked, sweaty naked bodies, cum staining our stomachs.
Mortification sets in. No. They aren’t supposed to be home until tomorrow. This can’t be real, but no blinking or pinching myself takes me away from this dreadful moment. She’s not only really here, she’s still standing there, looking like she’s about to keel over. Jace’s eyes blink, his mouth gaping. Say something. Anything.
“I asked you a question. What is this?” Her tone shifts to a higher octave.
I lift the blanket around us, sliding off Jace’s lap. “I . . . You’re home early.”
“Hun, are they up there?” My dad calls up the stairs and my mom’s brows lift. She looks behind her, taking a step back into the hallway.
“Yeah,” she calls back. “They’re watching a movie.” Her eyes meet mine again, her face flushed. “Can you get the rest of the bags out of the car? I’m going to get started on lunch.”
“Sure thing.” His voice fades away as the front door closes with a loud thud.
“I don’t know what’s going on here, and frankly I don’t want to know, but it ends now. Right now. I’m going to leave this room and when I come back up here you both better be in your separate rooms, fully dressed. I don’t want your father finding out about this. He has enough to deal with as it is with your grandma in the hospital. That’s why we came back early.” Her gaze drops to the ground and she slowly slinks away, shutting the door behind her.
Her heavy steps pound against the wood floor and Jace tosses the blankets off him, moving quickly to his dresser. He throws me some clothes and pulls on some blue basketball shorts. Neither of us talk for a long time, the silence loud in the room.
Rubbing the back of his head, he lowers himself onto the bed and holds a graphic tee to his body, his eyes drooping. “I did this,” he said. “If it wasn’t for me—”
“No,” I say with conviction. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to take the blame for what happened. I asked for it.”
“That’s because it’s what you thought I needed.” He turns away from me, bunching the shirt sleeves between his fingers.
“I needed it too. Please don’t blame yourself . . .” Please don’t punish yourself, I want to say, but the words get trapped in my throat. I try to relay the message to him with my eyes, and his face contorts.
“You’re the one who keeps hiding all the scissors and sharp objects in the house. You sold all of Mom’s good knives in the last garage sale.”
“Yeah, and she blamed Dad. You have to admit, it does sound like something he would do,” I say humorously, trying to lighten the mood.
“How . . . ?” His eyes grow heavy, his hand bleeding as he digs his nails into his palm.
“All the scars and new cuts you kept getting.” I grab his hand, pulling back his fingers. “You don’t deserve that. I hate that you feel like you do.”
He yanks his hand away at the sound of the front door slamming. “You should go to your room. I’d hate to make her more mad than she already is.”
I rub at the blood on one of my fingers from his new wound and stand from the bed. “Yeah, okay. It doesn’t mean this is over. It’s not. We’re not.”
He looks away. “Go. Now. Just go.”
I open my mouth and close it before exiting the room through our shared bathroom. The distance hurts. I can’t stand being so far away from him or the thought of leaving him alone after experiencing a bad moment. I was trying to make him forget they existed for a while and all I did was cause more.
“Lunch is ready,” my mom calls.
I hurry down the stairs and Dad’s already sitting at the table with a glass of iced tea in his hand. Mom is busying herself around the kitchen, her expression blank, and Jace is nowhere to be found. I sit in the first chair I reach and Mom sets a plate in front of me, her eyes not once meeting mine. Jace comes down almost twenty minutes later wearing a long-sleeve shirt. He’s done something he doesn’t want me to see. My stomach cramps and I want to run to him, but I can’t.
Not with the way Mom’s glaring at me from her seat. We eat in mostly awkward silence, my dad the first to break it by talking about their trip being cut short. He mentions going to see my grandma, asking me to go with him, and I nod as I shove another bite of food into my mouth.
“What about you, Jace?” My dad’s eyes flit his way.
“I . . . Yeah, okay.”
“Actually, Jace can go tomorrow,” my mom chimes in. “I need to talk to him about something.”
“Oh, alright,” my dad says, brows lifting in suspicion. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Everything’s fine.” My mom forces a smile. “We’ll all go tomorrow.”
Neither of us say another word, and after my mom clears the table my dad and I leave for the hospital. The drive is short and quiet. I look out the window, trying to distract my mind. This can’t be the end of us. I won’t let it be. I don’t care what Mom says, I won’t stay away from Jace for long. He’s the best kind of good I could ever ask for too . . . even if he can’t see it.