Twenty
Nate
I thought I could do it—get through a car ride, dinner, and a few drinks with him. I thought I could make it through three days of him visiting, but then he wraps those familiar warm arms around me, brushing his lips against my ear, and I nearly lose all composure.
When he pulls away to walk to his car, it takes so much restraint not to follow him and pull his body into mine again. He smelled so damn good too. Exactly how I remembered. Fresh grass and jasmine. I wanted to bury my nose in him, drowning in the scent until I was unable to smell anything else ever again.
“Goodnight, little brother,” he says, with one side of his lips lifting. “Maybe I’ll see you at Mom Dad’s tomorrow for dinner.”
“Maybe,” I say back, both thankful and a little hurt that he’d turned down Glen’s offer to crash at my place. I’d stopped myself from shooting him a glare when he made the suggestion. He thought he was helping. Glen always thinks he’s helping by pushing me to my limits to prevent me from missing out on opportunities.
This is one he’d certainly want me to miss out on, though, and he doesn’t even know it yet. I hope he never finds out either. Jace being here increases those chances, so if he plans to walk away and never come back again, he might as well leave now. Or is he here as some test to see which of us was really the problem all this time? Which one is the weakest and struggles with crossing boundaries more? To prove how much he got in my way by being here?
He’s already losing if that’s the case, because I’m not the one who stayed away. I’m not the one who gave up on us. I was never influenced to do anything I didn’t want to do. Does he really think being engaged will erase what my heart’s been carrying for him all these years? Not a day has gone by where I haven’t messaged him to tell him I was thinking about him. Not one single day. He didn’t ever answer, but I hoped he at least read everything I sent him, and I hope that’s the real reason he’s here.
“Family is important,” Glen says as he drops me off in front of my house, brushing soft lips over my chin. “And I can tell how much you missed him.”
Could he really?
I hated him for leaving, but I hate him even more coming back. For reminding me of what I’ve lost. Of what he’s been keeping from us because of other people’s opinions. He let them keep us apart. He didn’t bother to ask me if it’s what I needed, he just assumed it was. I only needed him. Three more days and he’ll be gone again. He’ll be back at the farm and I’ll be planning my wedding. Will he show up to the ceremony? Will he ask to dance with me at the reception?
After kissing Glen back, I hurry inside. I watch from the window as he drives away and reach for my phone. No new messages or calls. Why would there be? Pretty much everyone I know was out with us tonight. I guess I thought maybe after seeing me in person after all this time, Jace would finally answer my messages.
Tapping the screen, I search for his name. I write a message and delete it before writing another. After continuous back and forth, I finally hit send.
Me : Why are you really here?
My heart jumps when dots dance across the screen, and then they disappear leaving behind a sinking sensation in my stomach. I keep checking my phone the rest of the night—before showering, after dressing in comfortable clothes, and while I’m lounging on the couch watching reruns of Reba .
I want to know why he’s really here. I’m not buying his reasons. If he’d truly cared about me being happy he would have joined me at university like he was supposed to. He would have shown up at the apartment I set up for us, helping me choose better curtains after telling me how awful my first choice was. We’d have laughed and kissed. He’d have tucked hair behind my ear and tugged me closer to him, right before our bodies stayed locked together for hours as we lay naked under the covers.
Fuck, I miss him. My heart pains and I rest my head against the suede cushion, blowing out a loud sigh. I saw him today and still miss him. He wasn’t necessarily cold, but distant. Proof he hasn’t found his way back to me yet. Will he ever? He said he’ll be going to dinner tomorrow. Since Glen won’t be there, will he be more like he used to be? At least the brother side of him, or my best friend who’d cover my eyes during scary scenes? The guy who’d order different food than me so we could eat off each other’s plates? Would he buy packs of Starbursts so he could purposely save me all the orange ones?
Yeah, I miss him. I really, really do. And at this point I’ll take what he gives me if it means I get to have him in my life somehow. In some fucking way. His short answers and small talk are better than the silence that’s stood between us for too long. Occasional dinners during special occasions will at least lead to us sitting at the same table again, if only once every few years. They aren’t enough, though. I can try to make them be all I want, but the truth will always remain—I really can’t do this, and if he leaves again he might truly destroy me this time. My heart will be too broken for me to move forward with the man who actually fought to keep me.
I really would be better off if Jace hadn’t come back at all.