Chapter 20
Sloane
Irace home to change out of my semi-professional work attire and into some running clothes. I’m bone tired but wired from very little sleep and a fulfilling day with Lisa.
It’s only when I pop my earbuds in that I realize my phone is dead. Huffing, I toss it on the charger. I don’t like running without music, but I need to burn off any residual energy.
As much as I want to race back to Eden and her family, I know I need to take some time to unwind. It’s one of the hardest aspects of recovery for me. To focus on myself feels so selfish, but as Dr. Chen has repeatedly told me for months, if I don’t look after me, how can I look after other people?
In my delusional states, when I pull away from the people I love, it’s all under the act of selflessness on my part.
Well, that’s what I reason with myself. My brain convinces me that I’m looking after them by keeping them away from my shit.
Of course, that’s not the case, and I always end up making things worse for me and the people around me, but hey, that’s mental health for you!
Because today has been a lot on several fronts, I know I need to process on my own for a little while before I interact with others.
It all seems so complicated and convoluted, but it’s working for me.
I’m functioning and reconnecting with people I thought I’d lost forever, so I will keep travelling on this road even when it feels inconvenient.
My legs burn as I push myself hard up the hiking trail.
One look over the vista is all I’ll need to calm myself and get to a place where I can head over to Liz and Rick’s without feeling totally overwhelmed.
I internally wince again at the thought of Eden trying to get a hold of me all day.
Hopefully my phone will be juiced up enough to send her a quick message before I head over to see her.
As predicted, the view does exactly what I thought it would.
I feel a smile bloom on my sweaty face as I look out.
My breaths are short and shallow because I really gave it my all on the last few meters.
We have another charity race this weekend and I would really like Eden and me to be in the top ten finishers.
My stomach churns when I remember Alex messaging me and asking if it was okay for her to meet up with me at the next race.
A part of me still feels guilty about everything that happened between us, which is why I agreed.
Now I regret saying yes, because I don’t want to cause either Eden or Alex any pain.
Shaking my head, I put all thoughts of Alex to the back of my mind.
I’m not going to ruminate and create issues that aren’t there.
I’ll deal with the whole Alex thing when I see her.
Plus, Eden said she’d be with me every step of the way, and for once I want to hold on to that promise and allow myself to rely on it.
Rely on Eden without the fear and anxiety winning.
Turning on my heel, I race back to the pool house. I’m feeling clearheaded and excited to get showered and see my girl again. I have to admit I’d like to see little Meena, too.
Mom is waiting on the front porch as I round the corner with a frown on her face. She’s holding a bottle of water in one hand and my phone in the other.
“Hey,” I pant. “What’s wrong?”
“Drink this,” she begins, holding out the bottle. I guzzle half of it before bending over and stretching out my legs while trying to get my breath back.
“Now read these,” Mom continues, taking the bottle from my hand only to replace it with my phone.
I scan the screen to find at least ten messages.
One from Eden and the rest from Pia, Becca, and Bella.
My only interest is the one from Eden. She asked if I would hang out later.
Nothing strange there. I open the other messages from my friends and know there is something wrong.
They’re all asking if I’ve seen or spoken to Eden.
It’s Bella’s latest message that makes me suck in a breath.
“Shit,” I gasp when I read the words.
I scramble past my mom and head to the pool house.
I need to get showered and dressed in record time.
A part of my brain tries to make me feel guilty for not having seen the messages earlier, but I won’t let it win.
All I can do is get to Eden as soon as possible and see what she needs.
Scolding myself for not charging my phone or calling her earlier helps no one.
Mom follows me because she’s worried. I don’t have time to explain, so I toss her my phone as I make my way to the bathroom. I hear her say, “Oh, poor girl,” before the water from my shower drowns out any other noise.
With my hair still dripping, I grab the closest set of clothes and shove them on. Mom is standing in my kitchen holding out my bag, which I’m sure has my charger and some spare clothes already packed.
“Give her a hug from us,” she says as I whip past, kiss her on the cheek, and grab my bag from her.
“I will. I’ll message later.”
Thankfully, Eden’s apartment is only a few minutes away, but I still have to tell myself to slow down as I take a corner way too fast. All I want to do is have her close to me. I have no idea how I’m going to make her feel better. Eden’s grandmother is her idol.
The universe must be on my side as I find a parking spot right by her building.
I fling open the door and take the stairs two at a time, ignoring the sour burn of adrenaline and the weird tingle in my big toe from slamming it into the doorframe in my rush to get in the building.
Eden opens the door before I even knock, hair soaked and face ashen, bare feet pressing into the ancient tile like she’s afraid she’ll fall through the earth.
We stare at each other for exactly one second before Eden grabs me, hard. Her whole body is trembling, but when my arms go around her, she shudders once and settles, like she was waiting for some invisible permission to collapse.
“I’m okay,” she says into my chest, which is a bold-faced lie, and then she starts to cry.
Not a slow, sad trickle, but the sudden, ugly, furious type. I rock her by instinct, and every cell in my body is primed for panic, but then I remember the damn advice Dr. Chen gave me when I questioned my ability to be there for someone without it overwhelming me.
I asked her how I could possibly comfort another person, specifically Eden, if I ever needed to.
She simply smiled and told me to just hold her and let the feeling pass.
No fixing. Just be there to listen. So that’s what I do.
I swallow down any negative feeling and concentrate on her heartbeat against mine.
I focus on the string of Polaroids pinned above the entry just over her shoulder as she lets out her emotions in heartbreaking wracks of worry and sadness.
I can’t help but smile when I spot the picture of Eden and her gran on a beach, both double-fisting ice creams and giving the camera the finger.
“You wanna talk?” I whisper when her sobbing tapers off. She shakes her head, nose buried in my t-shirt, which is still damp from my wet hair.
“Cancer blows!”
“It’s an asshole,” I say, and she barks out a startled laugh, then sniffles.
“You want pancakes? I can make pancakes.”
“I’ve eaten so many pancakes today, I think my blood is maple syrup.”
I guide her to the couch, stepping sideways so we’re still holding hands. She kicks her feet up under her, pulling a fleece blanket over both our legs. Outside, someone’s started a leaf blower even though there are no leaves, and it’s late afternoon, so what the hell?
She finally lets go of my hand and rubs her eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to unload like that, I just—” She gestures helplessly. “Have you ever wanted to put your head through the wall because reality is too fucking loud?”
“Every day,” I say and mean it. “But then I’d have to spackle and paint the wall.”
We sit quietly. The room is warm and slightly sticky, even with a busted old AC unit doing its best to fight the summer heat.
In her silences, Eden’s mind works at ten million miles a minute, so I just let her think, running my thumb along the side of her hand.
After a while, she leans her head on my shoulder.
“I’m not ready for her to go.”
“She’s not going,” I say immediately. “You know that, right? Stage one. She said so. If anyone can beat it just out of spite, it’s your gran.”
This hangs between us for a second until she nods, a tiny smile curling the corners of her mouth. “She’s going to make cancer her bitch and then create a ‘Fuck You Cancer’ sculpture celebrating her fierceness.”
I laugh because even though I only met the woman today, I feel like I know her just from Eden’s stories.
We talk in circles for a while more, about Meena’s baby poops and the secret competition between Pia and Todd to see who can go the longest without showering.
We talk about Jenna and Kiera, and how surreal it’s going to be meeting Kiera again, and how Bella is petitioning to be the first aunt to take Meena for a tattoo when she’s old enough.
I don’t even try to hide how much I love hearing this.
Eden is animated, sad and alive all at once.
When my phone buzzes, I glance at it and then at Eden. “Alex is definitely coming to the race,” I mutter as I read the text out loud. I didn’t need the confirmation message from her, but there it is, sitting on my phone screen.
Eden shrugs. “I feel weird about it.”
I squeeze her shoulder. “You’re my person, Eden.”
I can tell her a thousand times how Alex means nothing to me and what happened between us was a mistake, but I’ve done that, and after a while words can lose meaning. Telling her she’s my person is a promise.
Her eyes widen a little. She blinks, then leans her head against me, lighter than before. “You’re my person back,” she says, and we both know it means something stubborn and enormous.
We manage to find a terrible TV show neither of us can follow and let it play in the background while the world goes quiet.
At some point, Eden roots around for snacks and comes back with two different brands of salt-and-vinegar chips, dumping both bags into a single mixing bowl.
Just before she dives in, she looks at me, sheepish.
“Sorry again for getting weepy and weird.”
It baffles me that she is apologizing until I remember that she’s usually the one comforting and helping me. Hell, Eden’s the one who comforts everyone, and because she’s so unflappable I think she’s even surprised herself with how badly she needed to let go and cry it out.
Smiling, I gently bump her shoulder. “I literally spent last Tuesday sobbing in the supermarket parking lot because my favorite coconut yogurt was discontinued. This is nothing.”
She leans over, chips in her cheek, and kisses the corner of my mouth. Her hand settles on my thigh, her breathing even and calm.
“I’m happy you’re here,” she says, almost a whisper.
We watch the rest of the show. She falls asleep against me before the credits. I stay there, trying to memorize the exact shape of her in this moment, the way her hair spills and the soft snore breaking free every few breaths. I let myself be still…let myself be hers.
When she wakes up an hour later, she’s beautifully disheveled and has a sleep line etched into her cheek. She wipes her face and stares into nothing for a few seconds, trying to orient herself.
Finally, she turns to me with a cute furrow in her brow. “Do you think I’ll ever be old and wise like Gran?”
I smirk. “Sure. But you’ll always be original.”
She beams, but there’s a steadiness underneath now. “Good.”
Yawning, I stand from the couch and pull Eden to her bedroom. Today dragged on forever and I think we both could use some sleep.
Eden climbs into bed with the fatigue of someone processing life-altering news. I take a few minutes to brush my teeth and change into an oversized t-shirt Mom packed for me.
As I settle next to Eden, I hear the door to the apartment open and close. Tired footsteps pad around the apartment before stopping outside Eden’s door. Eden is already asleep, which makes me smile.
Slipping back out of the bed, I reach the door and open it a crack. Bella and Becca are both standing outside, looking worried. Bella visibly relaxes when she sees me.
“She’s okay,” I whisper.
“Thank fuck.” Bella sighs. “We’ll talk in the morning.”
Becca reaches through the gap in the door and squeezes my hand. “Good night.”
Eden reaches for me the second my butt hits the mattress. She’s always been a cuddler in bed, but this is more than that. This is Eden, looking for me to be her safety net. She needs to hold on to something steady, and that’s me. I’ll make damn sure of it.