Chapter 122
I T WASN’T CLEAR what Li Yan had used to pry the door open. He came in holding a glass of water in each hand and flipped on the light switch with his elbow.
The sudden flood of light that filled the room knocked the air out of Gu Fei’s lungs. Throbbing pain rapidly radiated outward from his eyes as his head, neck, and shoulders all proceeded to ache as well.
He lifted a hand to shield his eyes. “Turn it off.”
As the words came out of his mouth, they were both taken aback. His voice sounded so hoarse that he could hardly recognize it as his own. It sounded like his mouth was filled with sand.
Li Yan set the water down so he could switch the ceiling light off again. Then he switched on the desk lamp and turned the lampshade to face downward. As the light dimmed in the room, Gu Fei felt much better.
“Have some water, Er-Miao.” Li Yan crouched down in front of Gu Miao. “You must be thirsty.”
It took a few more moments, but Gu Miao finally stirred. She took the glass, tossed her head back, and started chugging. When she’d emptied the whole glass of water, she wiped her mouth.
“Are you hungry?” asked Li Yan. “Er-Miao, look at me. Are you hungry? If you want, there’s some cake on the table outside, and those jelly cups you like.”
Gu Miao didn’t move. She was looking at Gu Fei.
“Your brother is fine,” said Li Yan. “He’ll be out soon. You should go ahead and eat something.”
Gu Miao slowly slid down the chair and, staying close to the wall, walked out of the room.
Li Yan handed the other glass of water to Gu Fei. “What happened exactly? Your camera broke?”
Gu Fei took a sip and didn’t answer. It had been so long since he last ate, drank, or spoke, that when the water slid down his throat, it stung a little.
He felt a little better after another few gulps, but it still felt a little hard to breathe.
It was then that he realized his throat must be inflamed.
As Gu Fei finished the whole glass of water, the dull numbness finally began to subside from his body, but this was immediately followed by a rush of exhaustion and weakness.
It wasn’t a physical fatigue, but a deep sense of powerlessness that arose from his very spirit.
It made him not want to move ever again.
He would fall whichever way the wind blew and go wherever the current took him. He didn’t want to fight it anymore.
“Has Jiang Cheng called you?” Gu Fei asked, still croaking. It sounded terrible, even to his own ears.
“Mm,” Li Yan said. “I told him you dropped your phone and broke it.”
“Did he believe you?”
“No.”
“My phone really is broken.” Gu Fei lifted his hand. “Let me use yours for a sec.”
Li Yan took out his phone and placed it in Gu Fei’s hand.
As the cell phone landed in his palm, it felt as if the strength of his entire arm wasn’t enough to lift this little object—in the moment he held it, the phone felt like a brick, and his hand dropped limply onto the mattress with its weight.
“Why don’t you go watch Gu Miao for a while?” he said, after a few seconds.
“Da-Fei.” Li Yan looked at him as if he wanted to say something. But Gu Fei didn’t look at him, and after standing there beside Gu Fei a little longer, Li Yan turned to leave and closed the door behind him.
The most recent entry in Li Yan’s call log was Jiang Cheng’s number; he had apparently called an hour ago.
Gu Fei stared at the name until the screen blacked out.
He spaced out like that for a while, and then he turned the screen on again and tapped Jiang Cheng’s name. The phone gently vibrated before he even raised it to his ear, a sign that Jiang Cheng had picked up the call on the other end. “Li Yan?”
“It’s me,” Gu Fei said.
“Gu Fei?” There was a tinge of heightened anxiety to Jiang Cheng’s voice, but also a sense of immediate relief at finally hearing Gu Fei speak to him. “Shit, is your phone really broken?”
“Yeah,” Gu Fei answered.
It felt like a lifetime since he last heard Jiang Cheng’s voice. He closed his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Jiang Cheng paused. “Are you sick? Why is your voice so hoarse?”
“Sore throat,” Gu Fei simply said.
“Did…something happen?” Jiang Cheng asked.
The hesitant, careful line of questioning made Gu Fei’s heart clench; it felt as if someone had grabbed it and squeezed hard.
“Er-Miao dropped my camera and broke the lens,” said Gu Fei.
“Ah. She probably wasn’t holding it properly, huh?” It took a second, but Jiang Cheng’s voice quickly lightened up. “Is that all? Which lens is it? Heh, I’ll get you a new one. Your Cheng-ge just picked up the tutoring money today.”
“I smashed my phone to pieces,” said Gu Fei.
“No problem.” Jiang Cheng chuckled. “You’ve been using that phone for a pretty long time, haven’t you? Last time I played Aixiaochu for you, it froze for five whole seconds when I tried to do a big combo. No problem, Cheng-ge will get you—”
“Can you…” Gu Fei cut him off. The forced levity in Jiang Cheng’s voice, although he was so obviously unconvinced, was like a knife to the ribs. It hurt so much that he could hardly catch his breath. “…Can you stop worrying about me?”
It suddenly got quiet on Jiang Cheng’s end.
Gu Fei was quiet too.
After a few moments of silence, Jiang Cheng spoke up again: “What do you mean?”
“How many part-time jobs do you have?” Gu Fei asked.
“Just the two tutoring jobs,” said Jiang Cheng. “The weekend and—”
“No way two is enough,” said Gu Fei, “with so many expenses to pay for.”
“Huh?” Jiang Cheng blinked.
“You’ll probably need three or four jobs to make it work, hm?” Gu Fei closed his eyes. “You have to go to class, study, learn psychology on the side, work part-time, and on top of that, worry about your boyfriend and his little sister’s problems.”
Jiang Cheng was quiet.
“Do you ever look in the mirror?” said Gu Fei. “Don’t you know how exhausted you look?”
“I’m not tired,” said Jiang Cheng, his voice a little stiff.
“You’ve been at school for a whole semester now. Have you gone out more than half a mile from campus for anything except tutoring? A few times you mentioned that the other guys go out for fun. Why don’t you?”
Jiang Cheng stayed quiet.
“You don’t have time,” said Gu Fei, “because you have to spend all of your free time on your boyfriend and his little sister.”
“Everyone works pretty hard here. I don’t think I’m all that different,” said Jiang Cheng. “I’m not interested in going out anyway.”
“Do you even know why you’re in a relationship?” asked Gu Fei. “Do you not see what this relationship has done to you?”
“There’s no standard way for people to behave in relationships—everyone is different. Why do we have to be like everyone else?” Jiang Cheng’s voice started to sound a little raspy. “I told you, I don’t mind. I’m happy to do it. I’m not tired. Besides, I already have some leads on—”
“But I’m tired,” said Gu Fei.
The call went very quiet. Only the sound of Jiang Cheng’s breathing could be heard. After a long silence, he finally asked, “What?”
“I’m tired,” Gu Fei repeated.
“What did you say?” There was a quiver in Jiang Cheng’s voice. It sounded so hoarse that the last two syllables didn’t even make a sound.
“I’m tired, Cheng-ge.” Gu Fei carefully enunciated each word. “Stop holding on to me. I don’t want to be pulled along anymore. Let’s just forget it.”
There was total silence on Jiang Cheng’s end—this time, even the breathing had stopped.
Gu Fei held the phone up to his face and tapped on the screen to hang up. Then he turned Li Yan’s phone off.
***
“Are you all right?” Zhao Ke was standing in the first floor bathroom with Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng didn’t answer, just waved a hand at him.
“You’ve thrown up, what, three times in one hour?” Zhao Ke checked the time. “And now you’ve lost your voice, and you say you’re all right?”
Jiang Cheng coughed a couple of times before turning to the sink beside him to wash his face. He had to splash water on his face a dozen times before he managed to recover slightly from the intense twisting pain in his stomach.
“You should go to the hospital and get checked out,” Zhao Ke said as he followed him back to their dorm room.
“I’ve been eating and drinking the same things as you all day, so it can’t be food poisoning.
Come on, go check it out. What if it’s serious?
Your voice can’t just suddenly disappear like that! ”
Jiang Cheng pulled out his phone, opened his notes app, and typed:
- acute stress response
“Stress?” Zhao Ke looked at him. “What kind of acute stress did you have that made you respond like this?”
- you should go to class, I’ll be fine after I get some sleep
Jiang Cheng cupped his fists and gave Zhao Ke a little kung fu salute before he went back to their room. He climbed onto his bunk with all his clothes on, dove right into the pillow, and closed his eyes.
“Call me if you need anything.” Zhao Ke poured warm water into Jiang Cheng’s thermos and placed it by his pillow, then climbed up the ladder to pull the covers over him. He stood by the bed for a while before he finally left.
Go to sleep.
Hurry and go to sleep.
Sleep now.
It’ll be fine once you’re asleep. You won’t know anything once you’re asleep. It won’t hurt once you’re asleep. You won’t remember anything once you’re asleep…
Go to sleep.
Stop thinking. Just sleep.
But I’m tired.
I’m tired.
I’m tired, Cheng-ge.
Stop holding on to me.
Sleep.
Go to sleep.
I’m begging you, Jiang Cheng, just sleep.
Hurry up and sleep.
Gu Fei gave up.
Gu Fei actually gave up.
Jiang Cheng could feel his jaw clenching tightly.
It wasn’t just his jaw. His whole body was tense; even his toes were curled.
His hands were balled into fists so tight that his thumbs hurt in their grasp.
His stomach was starting to act up again, but he knew there was nothing left in there to throw up, not even water.