Chapter 18 Awhile Later
AWHILE LATER
Imove gingerly as I walk to the tables on schedule for our midday meal.
My abdomen still aches under the bandage.
The healer tells me that it will take a while to feel better.
He hasn’t been wrong about anything so far, so I believe him.
Sometimes the voices tell me otherwise, but I’m learning to ignore them.
Last time the healer checked the wound, he said the stitches should come out soon. Hopefully that helps.
The mental work has been difficult, and it’s taken me a while, but I’m beginning to be able to shut out the voices in my head.
The healer, whom I see twice daily, tells me I need to allow them to talk but turn the volume down so I can’t hear them.
It’s not easy when they seem to make so much sense, but he says that’s because of my addiction, whatever that is.
All that really matters is that I’m making progress, and they tell me if I make progress, I’ll be able to leave someday.
I try not to think of the boys and Malam.
That life feels like it barely happened, like it only exists in my deepest memories.
I protect it from everyone here and am careful not to share details, just small, unimportant things here and there.
Dresses I liked, listening to the boys' music, and how much I liked good coffee. Maybe if I were sharing more, I’d heal quicker, but it’s the one thing I have left that means something to me.
The thing that feels like it makes up the core of me, and I haven’t been able to give it up just yet.
For the meal, I sit at the table and eat what I’m given.
One of the other patients starts screaming, and the healers and other attendants rush to him.
I’m so used to outbursts at this point that I continue on, eating the food in front of me, wondering how much more healing I’ll need to do before I can leave.
I truly miss coffee.