14. Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fourteen
“ Y ou are so smitten,” Kasia says as she pushes past me to reach for more napkins. “It’s disgusting. I think it could be contagious and anyone who gets too close to you is going to walk away looking like an anime character that’s nothing but heart eyes. Who are you and what happened to my lonely, insular friend who buries himself in work and other people’s problems?”
There’s a pause, because I’m not sure which part of that ramble I’m supposed to tackle first.
“Don’t hold back, Kasia. You’re too demure sometimes. Tell me how you really feel.”
She huffs a laugh but continues to talk and polish glasses at the same time.
“So, what happened to all your boundaries? I see he didn’t magically age ten years since last week.”
Sighing, I turn to look at her. I feel a twinge of extra guilt on top of the low thrum of constant guilt that’s pretty much been my companion since all this happened.
“I don’t know. I keep going back and forth on whether I’m being mature and respectful of his autonomy as an adult, or if I’m just making fancy excuses to soothe myself because I gave in to what I wanted, even though I should have put a stop to it. Am I being a gross old man? Or is this not a big deal and I need to stop infantilizing him?”
Kasia rolls her eyes for what feels like the hundredth time so far today. “I swear, you are the most dramatic person I know. And that includes people I met before I gave up on dating.”
“That’s not an answer.”
She freezes, pinning me down with a look. “What do you want? Absolution? I’m not your priest; I don’t have any authority here. Just because I hold a membership card to more oppressed social groups than you do doesn’t make me in charge of right and wrong. Figure your shit out.”
Her tone is sharp, and it’s matched by her movements when she goes back to wiping the glasses. I feel yet another twinge of guilt then, because I didn’t mean to piss her off.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m being self-involved. I can’t stop thinking about it, and I don’t want to do something that Tobias looks back on in a decade with a different perspective and hates me for.”
The biggest, most exhausted sigh comes out of her mouth, but at least some of the fight seems to go out of her.
“Christ. Okay, I’m going to give you exactly one piece of wisdom, because I still owe you in that department. But then we’re talking about something nice, because I’m fucking weary.” She pauses, clearly for dramatic effect. It works, though. “In my experience, the kind of guys who get into gross age-gap relationships are doing it specifically because they want someone they feel like they can control and manipulate. They sought out someone young for that purpose. It’s different from just ending up there. And the people who want that power imbalance in a relationship are not sitting up at night contemplating the ethical ramifications of it. ‘K?”
I tip my head from side to side, because I do see what she’s saying. It doesn’t resolve my conflicting emotions, but there’s logic there.
“Oh, and if you imply that being in your thirties makes you objectively old, instead of just older than him, one more fucking time…”
She doesn’t finish the sentence, but between the rabid look in her eye and the wine glass she’s pointing in my direction, her point is made.
“Oh, that’s right,” I say, a slow smile spreading across my face. “How close are we getting to your birthday? It’s what—a month? Are you excited? Should I get you some cardigans so we can match when you start joining me every evening to sit by the fire and read? Would you like to hear about the advantages of joining the AARP?”
Now she really does shove me in the chest. It’s hard enough to make me hit the counter, but she’s fighting back her laughter the whole time, and so am I.
It feels good. After all the drama of the last couple of weeks, I already feel lighter. And seeing Kasia managing to not get pulled under by the riptide of her own drama is something I think I needed.
When she arrived today, she’d given me a brief rundown about Jorden—he’d been arrested, her lawyer told her things were looking positive for him getting a real sentence this time, and her custody issues were hopefully about to dry up. Which doesn’t cover all her issues, but helps. Then she’d thanked me for my help, and said if I ever mention it again, she’ll put laxative in my whiskey.
I understand. We all need to move on from the sad things before new sad things show up. Which is why I’m pretty proud I’ve got her laughing out loud at me barely an hour after that conversation.
“I’ve never had a real job, but I don’t think you’re supposed to laugh this much at work,” Tobias says, his voice cutting in as he appears from the back.
We’re not open yet, and he’s been here since I came down. I didn’t even have to convince him. He is already a world of better than just a few days ago, and watching him interact with people instead of being forced to hole up in the apartment twenty-four hours a day is a relief.
The bruises on his face are almost faded, just a sallow yellow tinge to the skin under his eye and around his jawline. I know the big one on his ribs is bad, but it’s improving, at least. He’s still limping, but it’s not dramatic anymore. Although that doesn’t make the urge to carry him everywhere any less overwhelming.
Stop it, brain .
“Some normal jobs actually don’t require you to be miserable all the time. I promise. I know it sounds fake, but it’s true. I’m a good boss, right Kasia?”
She throws a napkin at me instead of answering, but I take it as a yes.
“We’re going to open soon. You should probably head upstairs.”
A little of the mirth drains from Tobias’s face when I say the words, but not all of it. He nods, resigned, and we hold each other’s gaze for a beat too long. I want to go over there and do something. Touch him. Anything to remind him that this is only temporary. But I’m not sure if we’re doing that in front of other people, yet. Even if Kasia already sniffed out the truth of our situation like a bloodhound.
“Yeah.” Tobias shifts his weight for a second, his gaze running up and down my body in a way that makes a curl of arousal take root in my gut. I try to ignore it, but it’s undeniable. A flash of memory bursts into my brain—Tobias riding me, jerking both of us off, finally relaxed as he lost himself in his own pleasure this morning.
I hope it’s the last thing I picture before I die.
“Have a good shift,” Tobias says before he turns and heads for the apartment.
The awkwardness in the room is palpable. I can’t tell if that was my fault or just an awkward situation, but it was bad. When I look at Kasia, the thought is confirmed. She’s making an over-the-top yikes face at me, amusing herself, I’m sure.
“That wasn’t great, right?” I ask.
“I know I just said I was going to stop giving you advice, but no. That wasn’t great. You should probably figure out what the fuck you two are doing before you interact in public again, or the rest of the world is going to be so uncomfortable all our genitals will collectively shrivel up and run away.”
“And I’m the dramatic one.” Although she may have a point. Whatever.
We have to open the doors, and I can already see some of our more devoted afternoon lushes filtering into the parking lot. All of this is a problem for me to address after. If I keep letting Tobias pull me away from my fledgling business, it’ll go under. Then we’ll both need a new place to live.
All night, I can’t concentrate. My thoughts flit back and forth between Tobias upstairs, the possibility of Eamon showing up, and why I still don’t have some kind of master plan yet.
Every time the bar door opens, I jump a little. My adrenaline pumps, ready for a confrontation with him, and every time it’s just another customer. I’m beginning to see why Tobias looks so drained, just from being on edge all the time. I understood that before, of course. But there’s a difference between being cognitively aware of how someone feels and getting a taste of the experience for yourself.
The night is slow, thankfully. I avoid conversation wherever possible, which earns me a few looks because I’m normally on the chatty side. I’m too busy counting down the minutes until I can finally go upstairs, though.
It’s the final stretch. Everyone is on their last drink, and in a few minutes, I’m going to kick these remaining stragglers out and lock the doors. Then someone walks in. Not Eamon, but someone that also doesn’t look like they’re coming with good news.
Tristan. I don’t know Tristan particularly well. I know he works shift work on an ambulance, partly because he’s shown up here for a couple of the minor bar fights and incidents we’ve had since opening, and partly because he sometimes shows up to day drink when he’s not working but his internal clock is still all jacked up.
Although that was before he settled down. I try to avoid gossip, but it’s physically impossible as a bartender. So, the fact that a hot, eligible guy like Tristan hooked up with the town pariah—also a man—when no one knew either of them was even queer, has been buzzing through here ever since.
All I know for sure is that I see him less, and I hope that means he’s happy. Or at least busy. He still comes in here to drink with his friends sometimes, but now is not one of those times, judging by the grim set of his face.
“What’s up? We’re about to close.”
I don’t bother to beat around the bush.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m here.” Tristan finishes his walk to the bar, leans on the dark polished wood, and lets out a deep sigh. “Can I talk to you in private? I can wait until everyone leaves, if you need.”
The furrow between my eyebrows deepens. I catch Kasia watching us from a few feet away and toss my head in the direction of the back, while she nods. It’s quiet. She can finish up here. It’s not like I’m going to be able to concentrate with Tristan’s doom and gloom saturating me.
Tristan trails me as I lead him to the kitchen. It’s small, but far enough away from the bar that no one will overhear us if we’re quiet. He takes in his surroundings briefly, adjusts his position so he has one eye on me and one on the only entrance, then leans in.
“Whatever you say stays between us. I know just enough to be able to grasp the shape of the situation, but none of the details. But I thought about it and thought about it, and there’s nowhere else to look that I haven’t tried already. So, off the record—do you know where Tobias is?”
I freeze. I should have realized some people would be able to make an educated guess he might come to me. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t have any friends. It’s a rural area with barely a cluster of very small towns to begin with. He can’t go to any of the Banna guys. His family lives out of state, and the only thing he does apart from work and take care of his grandmother is drink at my bar.
“Why?” I ask.
Tristan huffs, but nods. “I get it, but I promise I’m not a spy. I’d rather lose a testicle than turn him over to Eamon. Who has not been quiet about the fact that he’s looking for him, if you were wondering. He’s saying all sorts of crazy shit, probably in the hope that something will shake loose. But I need to find him. I just took Anika—his grandmother—back to the hospital, and she’s not looking well, man. I know how close they are. If he doesn’t go see her and the worst happens, I think it could be something he won’t recover from.”
My entire body sags, and I take a few seconds to scrub a hand over my face. Exhaustion is already setting into my bones at the thought of dealing with the overwhelming number of ways to potentially deal with this situation.
Tristan is right, though. I still don’t know that much about Tobias, but it’s clear how much he cares about his grandmother.
Screw it.
“Yeah, okay. Follow me.”
Tristan narrows his eyes at me, obviously confused, but I just turn and wave him after me. He follows silently behind as we work our way through the building and up to the apartment.
My initial urge was to stay downstairs and talk to him about it. I wanted to make a strategy before presenting the information and the plan to Tobias at the same time. But I’m quickly coming to realize that my first instinct with Tobias always involves wrapping him in cotton wool and hiding him from the world, and that instinct is normally wrong.
I have to keep him safe. That’s not optional. But I can’t keep steamrolling his ability to make decisions for himself, or I’ll turn into the kind of man that Kasia was describing.
The thought makes me shudder.
I knock quietly on the apartment door and then let myself in. Tobias is on the couch as usual, although this time he looks more sprawled out and half-asleep. I think that’s a good sign.
He sits up to offer me a smile, only to freeze when he sees Tristan standing behind me.
“What’s going on?”
Tristan takes a few steps to brush past me. “Don’t worry, kid. I’m not here to rat you out. We need to talk.”
Tobias seems to gradually shake himself out of the frozen position and relaxes, bit by bit. Then he takes in the words and his narrowed gaze turns to me.
“Gunnar, did you bring Tristan in here to break up with me for you?”
The laugh that I bark out is unstoppable. Fuck me. I was not expecting him to crack a joke, but every twenty-four hours that gets inserted between him and the last time he saw Eamon reveals him to be more and more hilarious. Dry. Sort of biting. But definitely hilarious.
Tristan is looking between us with a smug little smile, like all of this is what he expected.
“No. Can you not be ridiculous for two minutes, please?” The words don’t land though, because I’m biting them out through my own smile.
Tobias scrunches his nose at me in this adorable, facetious way that makes me want to kick Tristan out and immediately start defiling all my furniture. But then my brain resets and I remember the point of this conversation.
With another sigh, I let the mirth drain away and walk over to the couch. Tobias is propped up on the back like a meerkat, but his smile turns downwards when he sees me get serious.
“Something’s wrong,” he says.
“Honey, I’m sorry.” I wrap my arm around his waist over the couch back, because apparently, we’re not caring if Tristan knows anything, and hold him close. “Tristan just took your lola to the hospital. He’s here because he wanted you to know.”
Tobias’s eyebrows raise, but he doesn’t say anything. Tristan takes the opportunity to move closer as well, keeping his movements small and his voice gentle. Like you would around someone fragile.
If only he knew how tough Tobias has already been. Had to be, but still.
“Anika just went to the ED, and I checked with the nurse before I left. There’s no way she’s not getting admitted. She’s got a wound on her foot that’s pretty bad. That’s why she called me. But she’s hypertensive and throwing arrhythmias like last time as well. There’s a lot going on.”
The sympathy on Tristan’s face is clear, but not condescending. Tobias doesn’t move, though.
“What do you want to do?” I ask.
It’s a long time before he answers. When he does, I’m taken aback by how fragile he really does look, compared to all the other times I’ve seen him break down in this apartment. Even compared to when he first showed up, barely able to walk.
“Can I go?” His voice is quiet and wavering when he asks me.
Oof .
I keep holding him up, but stroke his cheek with my other hand. He leans in like he needs the contact right now.
“I can’t decide that for you. I want to, but I can’t. Do you want to go?”
Tobias huffs and chews at his lip for a minute. The brief flash of unrestrained weakness is gone, and all his exhausted resignation takes over his face again.
“Yeah. I’m not leaving her alone. I can’t not go.” He pulls away from me and stands up. “Let’s go now. The longer she’s there, the more likely it is he might find out and come looking for me.”
“Okay.”
I take a step back as well. Tobias has slipped into this brusque, uncaring version of himself that I recognize as a protective shell. That’s fine. I don’t have to hold him for him to know I’m still here.
“Come on, guys. We can take my car. I’ll keep you company.”
Tristan nods as he speaks, and I appreciate the gesture.
It’ll be fine. I’m probably exaggerating in my mind because we’ve been dwelling on it for so long. What can realistically go wrong in a public place, with both me and Tristan there for company?
Everything’s fine.