A Royal Meeting of the Minds
Laure: Okay, guys, sibling text meeting.
Val: Why am I here?
Sal: Because you need to stop having sex with your new boyfriend. You’ll dehydrate, princess. Don’t you know how to pace yourself?
Val: Well, it’s not like I’ve been training for sex like it was an Olympic event like some people. Laure, why isn’t Dean on this thread?
Reg: Omg is he dead?
Val, Sal, Laure, and Prock: NO!
Laure: Omg , what has so traumatized you that your go-to for a meeting is that somebody has to be dead ?
Chance: You guys, he worries. Be nice.
Laure: Sorry, sweetie—it throws us off our game, that’s all. I just wanted to ask everybody if they knew who Dean was seeing.
Sal: As far as I know, he’s still having a passionate affair with the stick up his ass.
Prock: Didn’t you name it once? Back when Dean was in the academy?
Sal: Phil. I called it Phil because it was apparently the only thing that could ever Phil Dean with joy.
Reg: Ouch.
Chance: Wait, isn’t that Fill?
Sal: Oh God, Sunshine, I just cannot with you! Somebody pinch his little cheeks!
Prock: He’s at Mom’s house for summer vacation. When we’re done here, I’ll have Mom do it.
Sal: Prock, your only shortcoming as a brother is that you never dumped ants on Dean when he was a kid.
Prock: You keep saying that. Why didn’t you do it?
Sal: Because a five-year age difference made me too old to do it, but you were only two and a half years older, so you were fine.
Prock: Didn’t feel right. What can I say? Dean would have been hurt, but what’s worse, he wouldn’t have said a word, and then we’d feel worse , and then he’d win. The only way to win with Dean is not to play.
Reg: Chance, I get the feeling we were really lucky to be the youngest two. The top five apparently had to survive the Hunger Games to get to adulthood.
Chance: I didn’t read those books. Will I get that reference if I watch the movies instead?
Laure: Seriously, Chance, you need to hang out with Russell and Shaw more often. My kids know their movies.
Reg: I feel like college was wasted on him.
Prock: People! Can we focus here? Laure had a question!
Reg: I think it’s perfectly clear that we have no idea who Dean is seeing. Why are we having a sibling meeting about this again?
Laure: Because I asked Dean’s partner if he was inviting anybody to the family picnic, and Marcus said no, but Dean would if he could pull his head out of his ass. I was curious, that’s all.
Sal: I too am now curious. Not that the tightass would ever tell us , but I feel as though somebody here might know if Dean was seeing anybody. Who’s closest to him?
Laure: Val.
Prock: Val.
Chance: Val.
Reg: Val.
Val: What in the furry hell ? Everybody knows Laure is my ride or die!
Laure: I’m still your ride or die, big brother, but you and Dean were always the most alike. You knew he was getting his degree in law enforcement and aiming for Quantico before any of us. If Dean was seeing anybody, you’d know.
Sal: She’s right. So who’s he seeing?
Chance: Reg, you’re my ride or die, right?
Reg: Of course, little brother. I wouldn’t leave you hanging.
Chance: Thanks. Why isn’t Val answering?
Laure: Val?
Prock: Val?
Chance: Val?
Sal: Prince Fucking Valiant, where in the hell did you go?
Laure: You guys, this can only mean one thing.
Prock: That asshole knows, and he isn’t telling us?
Sal: Wow, Laure, so much for your ride or die.
Laure: Don’t worry—this ride or die has a secret weapon.
Chance: Omg — You guys! Who told Mom to come out and smack my ass? I was in the pool , and suddenly I have to help Dad clean the garage! And my ass hurts!
Laure: I wouldn’t do that.
Prock: Dude, no.
Reg: Of course not!
Sal: He was bothering me. That kid needs a job .
Prock: Another reason I wouldn’t dump ants on Dean. Sal, you prissy bitch, you can’t leave the baby alone?
Sal: No, and you guys shouldn’t either. We’re depriving those two of some of the best times of their lives.
Reg: Just wait until one of us draws you for Christmas, Sal. I may be quiet, but I have plans.
Laure: You guys, does anybody know who Dean is dating?
Sal: Princess, if we did, I think it’s perfectly obvious I wouldn’t have resorted to child abuse by proxy to entertain myself.
Laure: You all suck.
Prock: Except me. I’m the straight one, remember?
Laure: Fuck you all. If there is a Goddess, I’ll be reborn into a family of Amazons. Peace out .
Sal: She’d lead that army into glorious battle too.
Prock: But we’d miss her cooking. Reg, you need to ask Dean who he’s dating.
Reg: Why me?
Prock: Trust me. Not making the rest of us hate you is your superpower. You get the info from Dean, and then we can chill Laure the fuck out and she won’t stop cooking for us.
Reg: That is actually a threat. Fine. I’ll get back to you losers.
Chance: We’re still on for a movie tonight, right?
Reg: Course. I’d invite Sal, but he lives three hundred miles away.
Sal: *clutches heart* Now that you’ve made me regret my life choices, I have a business to run.
Prock: That was genius. You both hit him where he lived and told him he was loved. Reg, don’t ever doubt your superpowers, they’re golden. I gotta run. I too have a business to run.
Chance: Reg, you’ll always be my ride or die, right?
Reg: Until you fall in love, baby brother.
Chance: Screw that. Forever.
Reg: Sure.