Chapter 10 #2
I'm so angry I can barely see straight. Angry at my dad for calling, angry at Rush for backing off, angry at myself for caring.
This is why I don't chase guys. This is exactly why.
Because the second things get hard, they run and I'm left feeling like an idiot.
I get home and I'm still furious. I pour wine and drink it too fast.
My phone buzzes. It's my dad.
I ignore it.
It buzzes again.
Dad: We need to talk.
Me: No, we don't.
Dad: Don't be childish.
Me: Don't be controlling.
Dad: I'm your father.
Me: And I'm an adult. Back off.
He doesn't respond and I know I've pissed him off.
Good. I'm pissed off too.
My phone buzzes again, but this time it's Rush.
Rush: I'm sorry.
I stare at the message and my chest tightens.
Sorry doesn't fix this, sorry doesn't change the fact that he backed off the second my dad pushed.
I don't respond.
Another message comes through.
Rush: Can we talk?
Me: No.
Rush: Please.
Me: You made your choice.
Rush: I was trying to do the right thing.
Me: The right thing would have been not running.
He doesn't respond and I set my phone down.
I finish my wine and pour another glass. My mind is racing.
This is exactly what I was afraid of—that Rush would find a reason to push me away.
And my dad handed him one on a silver platter.
I hate this, hate feeling like this, hate that I care so much.
My phone rings and it's my dad again. I answer it.
"What?"
"Don't what me."
"Then don't call me when I'm pissed at you."
"We need to talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about. I like Rush, you don't approve, end of story."
"It's not that simple."
"It is that simple. You're just making it complicated."
"He's not right for you."
"You don't know that."
"I know he's got a record, I know he's violent, I know he's obsessed."
"Stop calling him obsessed."
"Then what should I call it?"
"Protective, caring, interested."
"Those are nice words for stalking."
"He wasn't stalking me."
"Then what was he doing outside your flat at midnight?"
I go still. "How do you know about that?"
"Because I have eyes everywhere and I know everything."
"Of course you do."
"Don't be mad. I’m looking out for you."
"I don't need looking out for."
"Everyone needs looking out for."
I take a breath and try to calm down. "Look, I appreciate that you care. But I'm okay. Rush is a good guy."
"He's dangerous."
"So are you. That doesn't make you a bad person."
"It's different with me."
"How?"
"Because I've learned control. I've learned when to use violence and when to walk away."
"And you don't think Rush has?"
"I think he's still learning and I don't want you to be collateral damage while he figures it out."
The words hit harder than I expect and I know he's not trying to be cruel. He's trying to protect me.
But it still pisses me off.
"I can take care of myself," I say.
"I know you can, but you shouldn't have to."
"That's life, Dad. Everyone's got shit they're dealing with. That doesn't mean I run when it gets hard."
"I'm not asking you to run. I'm asking you to be smart."
"I am being smart. I'm choosing someone who makes me feel something."
"And what happens when that something turns into pain?"
"Then I deal with it, but at least I tried."
He's quiet for a long time, then he says, "I don't like this."
"I know."
"But I trust you."
The words surprise me. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. You're smart and you're strong and you know how to handle yourself. So if you say Rush is worth it, I'll believe you."
"Really?"
"Really. But if he hurts you, I'm killing him."
I smile despite everything. "Deal."
"And I want to meet him, properly. Not over the phone."
"Okay."
"And I want him to know that if he fucks this up, there will be consequences."
"I'll tell him."
"Good." He pauses. "I love you, kiddo."
"Love you too, Dad."
We hang up and I stare at my phone.
That went better than expected. My dad actually listened.
But it doesn't change the fact that Rush walked away.
Doesn't change the fact that he chose fear over me again.
And I'm done making excuses for that.
My phone buzzes. It's Rush again.
Rush: Your dad called me.
Me: I know.
Rush: He told me to stay away from you.
Me: And?
Rush: And I told him I can't.
I stare at the message and my chest tightens.
Me: What does that mean?
Rush: It means I'm done running. If you'll still have me.
Me: Why the change of heart?
Rush: Because your dad told me you deserve someone who's willing to fight for you. And he's right.
I smile at my phone.
Me: So you're willing to fight?
Rush: Yeah. If you are.
Me: I've been fighting this whole time.
Rush: I know. I'm sorry.
Me: Sorry doesn't fix it.
Rush: I know. But I'm going to.
Me: How?
Rush: By showing up. By not running. By proving I'm worth the risk.
I think about it for a second, then I type back.
Me: Okay.
Rush: Okay?
Me: Yeah. But if you run again, we're done.
Rush: I won't run.
Me: You’d better not.
Rush: I won't. I promise.
I set my phone down and take a breath.
This is happening. We're really doing this.
And my dad knows, which means the whole club is going to know soon.
Which means this is about to get a lot more complicated.
But I don't care.
I meant what I said. I'm done running from things that scare me.
And Rush terrifies me in the best possible way.
So we'll figure it out, we'll deal with my dad, we'll handle whatever comes next.
Together.