Chapter 7 #2
I trudged with Grey through the field, the afternoon heat prickling my skin, and then into the speckled shade of the trees. When and how should I begin this conversation?
He wriggled out of my hold. “Okay, you don’t have to manhandle me. I can walk.” With a huff, he combed his fingers through his bangs and stomped along.
“Grey…” I held my breath as my pulse throbbed in my temples. If I broached the topic, would he turn and run from me? I fell in behind him. In the event of his running back to camp, I could stop him.
“What?” He kept moving, his thick arms swinging at his sides.
“We, uh, we need to talk.” I puffed out a long breath. Fuck, this was hard.
“About what?” He stomped along.
“About what happened the night I woke up in your bed. The night of the party.”
He halted, and I marched into him. As he stumbled, I caught him, wrapping my arms around his waist and holding him steady. “Got you.”
Hanging his head, his long bangs falling into his face, he said, “You always did. Have me.” As his jaw muscle bulged, he twisted around, his eyes glistening. “We need to leave it alone.”
“Do you remember what happened?” Why was he emotional? Had he hated it? Did he think I raped him or something? Fuck. Pain pummeled my heart.
As his lower lip quivered, he said, “Yeah, I remember.” His breath hitched, and he shoved me away. “I can’t do this, Malik.”
I staggered a few steps, my heart breaking. “What can’t you do? Talk about it?” Please God, don’t let our friendship end. My eyes stung and my vision blurred. I couldn’t lose him.
“I…” He crumpled to the dirt on his knees, covering his face with his hands. “I can’t be gay or bi. I have to be straight. I have to.” A soft whimper broke free of his throat.
“Holy fuck.” I dropped to my knees beside him, hooking my arms around his shoulders and wrapping him up. “Grey, experimenting does not make you queer. Lots of straight men experiment.” I bit my inner cheek. But damn it, I wanted it to be more than an experimentation. What if…fuck, don’t go there.
“When straight men experiment, do they crave doing it again?” He lifted his wet gaze to mine. “Does it fucking hurt when they can’t?” His gaze darted between my eyes. “Do they get jealous when the man they…they hooked up with hooks up with someone else?” He blinked and a tear raced down his cheek.
I did not expect this. No wonder he’d stayed away from me.
My chest bloomed with emotion. Did this mean he was queer?
Did it mean we had a chance of being more than friends?
Knowing he’d been carrying on with Ella and Carrie had been torture.
Yeah, I felt the same way he did. “Grey, if that’s how you feel…
” Cupping his cheek, I brushed my thumb along it. “I feel it too.”
He sniffled and with his lips bowing down, he said, “I can’t be queer, Malik. My dad would never understand. I’d lose everything.”
“What, um, what do you mean?” His father expected a lot from Grey, but was he a bigot? As my heart crumbled, I asked, “Does your dad not accept queer people?” I watched him closely.
“As long as they’re not his son, he accepts them.
” As his brows creased, he inhaled deeply, as if bracing himself.
“You know how he is. He expects me to marry a fucking socialite who’ll throw charity events and we’ll have babies who I’ll barely know because a nanny will raise them.
” He freed a choked laugh. “My life is supposed to mirror his, not be my own.”
My jaw dropped. I understood the family business aspect, but I hadn’t listened to the marriage side of it. Had I not wanted to hear it? “S-so that’s it? No room in that equation for your best friend?”
His face twisted, and he turned his profile to me. “I can’t do those things with you, Malik. No matter how much I want to.” As he swiped his eyes, he rose and straightened his shoulders.
Blinking a few times, I stood, pain throbbing in my heart with each beat. “What does this mean?” Did I have to keep my distance? How the fuck could I, knowing he wanted me as much as I wanted him? We’d be in the same cabin this week. We live in the same fucking house.
“I don’t know what it means. I haven’t figured it out yet.” Huffing a sigh, his sad gaze found mine, and he squeezed my hand. “Now you know why I’ve been avoiding you.”
“Yeah…” I breathed through the hitch in my gut.
I hadn’t expected this. If he were confused and questioning his sexuality, that would be one thing, but his father had pressured him to live a certain way.
They had groomed him for it his entire life.
How could I combat it? “Come on, let’s walk and see if we can work through it. Walking always helps unstick my brain.”
With a curt nod, he said, “It helps me too. But then, I think you know that.” He sighed a chuckle. “You know me best.”
Snatching his hand, I ambled along the path through the trees. I had so many questions, and I had to restore us to some semblance of normalcy. “Grey, have there been other guys before that night?”
Shaking his head, he said, “No. Just when we had the threesomes.” He swallowed thickly. “Being in the same room with you…it did something to me. I didn’t want to admit it, but the orgasms were so much stronger with you present.” His cheeks flushed pink.
My cock woke. Fuck me, we’d both wanted each other those times, but I’d kept my distance.
I hadn’t known he felt this way. At all.
“I, uh, I enjoyed having you there too.” I curled the edge of my mouth.
“But then I knew why. I like guys.” I scraped my teeth across my lower lip.
Should I tell him? Why not? It was confession time.
“When we hooked up with Riley and Carrie, I heard you through the wall. When you came, I came. It was almost as good as having you with me.” I snuck a peek at him.
His lips curved into a soft grin. “Yeah? Same.”
The path curved and inclined, rocks jutting from the trail.
“It appears this trail might be a good workout.” I ruminated on what he’d said.
I hadn’t raped or molested him. He’d wanted me and had been fighting it.
“So, you’re telling me you don’t desire any other guy but me? ” I bit the side of my lip.
With a sharp laugh, he said, “Yes, Malik. You’re the only guy for me, okay?” His gaze swept to mine and shot to the ground. “I wonder if it’s because of how close we are. Or that I know you’re bi. I don’t know any other queer guys.”
“Tex.” I pressed my lips together. He didn’t like Tex, did he?
“I don’t know him that well.” He exhaled a long breath. “I wonder if I need an emotional connection with someone to desire them sexually, you know?”
“Demisexual. You think you’re demisexual?” But how did that explain all the hookups he’d had? I took heavy breaths as we stepped over the rocks and onto the steeper incline of the path. “How does it feel when you hook up with a woman you just met? Like with Carrie?”
“I’m usually drunk.” He chuckled. “Plus, it’s different. I’m not connected at those times. I just want to get laid.” He stepped over a rock and continued the climb.
“So, with me…” I stopped on the path, pulling him to me and gazing deeply into his blue eyes, lighter than normal, and his blond hair shining as he stood in a patch of sun.
His gaze dropped to my lips and returned.
“With you, it was a visceral reaction that I couldn’t control.
” His breath quickened, and his tongue swept his lower lip.
“I know we’ve always been affectionate.” He held our entwined hands between us.
“But something inside me broke that night. I can’t explain it any other way. ”
“S-so, what? Are we supposed to ignore it and just return to how we were?” God, how I wanted to fucking kiss him right now. To bring him into the woods and do dirty things to him. My balls tingled as my cock swelled.
“Malik…” He placed his free hand on my hip and pressed his forehead against mine. “I can’t get too close to you. When I do—” As he pushed his hips forward, his solid cock brushed mine through our shorts.
Heat flashed up my spine, and I whimpered softly. “You’re killing me here, Grey.” Tilting my head, I brushed my lips across his. Just a little nibble.
A ragged breath escaped his lips, and he pressed his mouth harder on mine, holding a still kiss against me. As he fell away, he rasped, “Oh, God…” He marched up the path, arms swinging and taking long strides over the rocks. “I can’t do this, Malik. I’m so fucked.”
I had to talk some sense into him. There was no way we could play this game all year. Catching up to him, I said, “Suppose you could? What if you didn’t live under your father’s rule while you were here?”
He glanced back at me as he trudged onward. “What are you saying?”
“What if we let this happen? No one has to know about it.” Fuck, was I willing to keep this secret? But my family didn’t know about me either. Not that it mattered. It was only a matter of time before—
As the trees opened to an expansive view, he stopped, his breath catching. “Jesus, look at this view.” Panting, he swayed his head. “It’s amazing.”
I stopped next to him and panned my gaze across the view. Buildings’ rooftops showed among the trees, with the football field and its stands existing as if expecting upcoming practices and scrimmages. Ragged mountains rose all around the camp. “Yeah, Tex was right.”
He slapped my shoulder. “Tex was never coming back, was he?” A grin played on his lips.
“Nope, he’s been pushing me to have this talk all week.” I breathed in deeply and held it for a second. “He knows.” I gauged his reaction, my gut clenching.
“Did you tell him?” His forehead wrinkled. “Shit, will he say—”
“No, he won’t say a word.” I squeezed his shoulder. “Tex knows better than that.” Shaking my head, fixating on him, I said, “I didn’t have to tell him. He heard us that night. I guess we were pretty loud.”