Chapter 36 Mia
I wasn’t sure I would ever catch my breath again. Ash moved off of me, and it made no difference to the way that I was gasping for breath.
Dear Lord, what the heck had that been?
“Jesus,” Ash mumbled as he rubbed his forehead. “That was fucking intense.”
I nodded. I needed a drink. No. I needed oxygen. I felt the bed move and was too boneless to be able to move my head to see where he’d gone.
I felt the bed dip again, and then something cold and hard was pressed into my hand. “Drink up, Red.”
Half-sitting, I took a gulp of water. Our eyes met and we grinned at each other. “That was . . . something,” I spoke softly, feeling self-conscious.
Ash lowered his head, his lips brushing mine. “You’re something,” he murmured against my mouth. The kiss grew deeper, and I was vaguely aware that he had taken the cup away from me, but I was already lying back as he followed me down, my arms wrapping around his neck.
His hand smoothed down my side, over the curve of my hip, and I arched into his touch, as he peppered kisses over my jaw and down my neck.
“Ash . . . Again?” I asked him, not complaining one bit. “Already?”
He drew his head back and looked down at me, his blue eyes crinkling as he smiled. “I might need some motivation,” he teased, his fingers dipping between my legs.
I huffed out a laugh. “You need no such thing.” My fingers traced his jaw. “Should we have the talk?”
Ash looked at me and then down to where his hand was moving gently between my thighs. He looked back up at me quizzically. “Um . . . now?”
I chewed the corner of my lip as he didn’t stop the thrusting of his fingers. “We do seem to communicate better when we’re in bed . . .”
He huffed out a laugh before he kissed me, dipping his head into the crook of my neck before he leaned back and extracted his fingers.
I watched him lick them clean and then wink at me when he saw me watching closely.
“Delicious.” He propped his head in his hand as he lay beside me.
“So, Red. Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
“No.”
Ash laughed out loud, tipping his head back as he did so, and I giggled beside him. When he calmed down, he saw me grinning at him and dropped another kiss on my lips. “Brutal.”
I smiled as we lay beside each other, both of us completely comfortable being naked beside each other.
I’d never had this. I’d had one or two one-night stands, a couple of relationships, but I’d never had this level of ease with someone — this comfort.
I felt like I could tell him anything, and even more, I knew he’d listen.
“I asked my mom about my dad,” I told him, keeping my voice low. I saw him become more alert, but he didn’t say anything. “She told me he knows about me, but isn’t interested in getting to know me.”
“Then he’s an asshole.”
He said it with complete conviction, and I wanted to hug him. “That’s what Ava said.”
Ash nodded. His finger brushed over my collarbone.
“Gray asked Onyx,” he said. He seemed unsure about telling me, but when he saw my surprise, he gave a small smile.
“We’re not complete assholes,” he added.
When I went to speak, he anticipated my question, shaking his head. “No. Onyx didn’t tell him.”
I frowned, tearing my eyes away from him. Did I believe him? Gray asked? I realized that I believed he would ask. That was new. “Okay.”
His hand cupped my chin, bringing my face back to meet his. “Hey, the guy doesn’t deserve to know you. It’s his loss, Red. Okay?”
My hand caught his, our fingers linking automatically. “You think so? Even after everything? Shouting at your cousins, being a—”
“Brat.” He grinned at my look of outrage. “It’s okay, you can say it.”
“I was not going to say brat.” I sniffed as Ash lay down beside me.
Both of us on our backs, staring at my ceiling.
“I never wanted to know him,” I admitted.
“I figured out pretty young that he didn’t want anything to do with me.
Gloria, my mom, never spoke about him, and that was okay.
You stop asking after a while.” I pulled the sheet over me, smiling when Ash immediately lowered it past my chest. “Hound,” I murmured.
“But that night I spoke to your brother, I knew he knew and . . .” I shook my head.
“It just got to me that there was someone else who knew, and I didn’t. ”
He was on his side again, watching me. His fingers skimmed my arm gently. “I can ask Onyx again.”
He seemed reluctant, but the fact that he offered made my heart swell. “No.” This time, I was the one who grabbed his hand. I brought his fingers to my lips, kissing his knuckles. “I don’t want to know. It’s as you said, it’s his loss.”
Ash kissed me, and soon we were wrapped up in each other again, and things were going perfectly until my stomach rumbled so loudly, I was sure they’d have heard it at the football house.
Ash drew his head back, one brow raised as he looked me over. “Wow. Something you want to tell me?”
My hands were over my face, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!”
Ash laughed as he rolled over and sat up. “You’re hungry, let’s get you some food.” He stood, and I admired his perfect body. He had a smattering of bruises from yesterday’s game, but he was fit. Really fit. I was back to being hungry for a whole different reason.
I watched as he looked around for his clothes and then realized he was getting dressed. “Why are you getting dressed?” I asked as I sat up. “Ava isn’t here.”
He hesitated for a moment, looked around the room, and then his gaze dropped to the floor. “Um . . . I need to go to the football house to eat.”
Swinging my legs over the bed, I stood. I grabbed a shirt and pulled it on, and then my discarded panties. “Why? I have pizza here from yesterday. I can heat it up.” I saw his dubious look and rolled my eyes. “Even I can heat up pizza.”
I walked past him to go to the kitchen.
“I had two slices yesterday, and not much else,” I told him as I walked. “Which is why my body wants more carbs.” I turned to see him following me; he was only in his boxer briefs, the material clinging to his thick thighs. Good grief. “I am definitely only on salad next week.”
Ash was watching, and the intensity of his stare was making me nervous.
“Did I say something wrong?” I asked hesitantly. “You don’t have to have pizza, I can order something else.”
His jaw clenched, and I wasn’t sure why he looked so agitated.
“Ash? What is it?”
“I’m bulimic.”
I stared at him in surprise, and I knew I had reacted wrongly as soon as he turned on his heel and headed back to the bedroom.
“Ash!” I hurried after him, catching his elbow. “Hey, slow down.” I tugged on his arm. “Ash, talk to me.”
He stood with his back to me at the foot of my bed. “I started making myself sick in high school. I was big, I was strong, and I couldn’t get rid of the excess pounds. I needed to be within a certain weight range to play offense and not defense.”
He stood so still, his arms hung loose at his side, but his hands were curled into fists. His back was ramrod straight, and I ached to hug him. I inched forward, stopping when he spoke again.
“I figured out that if I overate, then I could be sick, and the weight would come off.”
“That’s not a sustainable plan,” I murmured, moving closer, as he stayed turned away from me.
Ash gave a grunt of agreement. “Yeah, it isn’t. And it’s difficult to hide when Gray is your best friend and sees too much.”
I wasn’t sure what to say, but I could tell how hard this was for him, and I really wanted nothing more than to be there for him. “Gray helped you?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Told Jett, and then the two of them dragged me in front of my mom and dad and made me confess it all.”
“Oh.” I moved closer, my arms slipping around his waist, and I hugged him from behind, my cheek pressed into his back. “You know that was the right thing, don’t you?”
A large hand covered mine, our fingers once more, locking together. “Yeah, at the time I was pissed though.” He pulled me around to face him, our arms around each other’s waists, while he looked down at me. “I didn’t want the others to know I was a loser.”
I tried to pull my hand away to slap him, but he held me tight, so I scowled at him instead. “Having an eating disorder does not make you a loser. Do not call yourself a loser, or I will hit you.”
He smiled at me. “Have you always been so violent?”
“You bring it out in me, talking down about yourself like that.” I shook my head. “I won’t have it.”
He held my gaze, his look thoughtful, but I could see the lingering vulnerability. “You’re not judging me?”
I blinked in surprise, pushing myself away from him.
“I know the last few weeks I haven’t been my best self,” I said while I used air quotes, “but I don’t judge.
I would never judge someone, not like that.
” I pushed my hand through my hair. “Do you know how many diets I’ve been on?
” I poked myself in my tummy. “I look at a slice of cake and gain three pounds.”
He grinned slowly. “I know it doesn’t work like that.”
“Yeah, well, tell my metabolism,” I said, only half joking.
We lapsed into silence, both of us assessing each other. I scratched my chin as I realized something. “That’s why you freaked out that first day, you weren’t expecting me not to be able to cook.”
He looked guilty. “In hindsight, not my best day.”
“Who cooks for you?” I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed, patting it until Ash sat beside me.
“Gray. Before him, Quinn. But Gray cooks the most in the house.” He got comfortable. “At home, my mom ensures I eat right.”
I nodded. “Binges?”
He gave a quick jerk of his head, looking uneasy, and I knew not to push.
“Okay, I can help with the cravings,” I told him. “Usually it means your body is missing something, in my case, usually sugar.” I reached over and took his hand. “There hasn’t been a diet I haven’t been on, and while I can’t cook, I can help.”