Chapter 8 Quinn #2
Squeezing my eyes tight, I said the word he wasn’t expecting. “Maternity.”
* * *
I sat on the couch in Jett’s room as he watched me, as Gray perched on the corner of his brother’s bed. When they were thinking or scowling, they looked so alike it made me smile. Well, sometimes it made me smile. Not at the moment.
“Is there anything more you need to tell us, that we need to know?” Jett asked me as he looked at me so intently that I felt like I was under a microscope.
“You know everything I do, probably more.”
“You know that we continued to look into the fuckers who did this to you,” Jett said with no embarrassment or shame.
“You did, even though I asked you not to.”
“We found out more than we thought we would,” he continued as if he hadn’t heard me.
“You said.” I shifted on the couch; it was too soft for my liking.
“Quinn, can you listen?” His voice was quiet and sounded tired, which was fucking hypocritical if you asked me. I wasn’t the one hounding him to declare his darkest secrets.
“What if I don’t want to, Jett? What if I’m really truly sorry for whatever or whoever you’ve found, but what if I really don’t need to know because I’ve had enough? I’ve lost . . .” I shook my head in anger at myself for almost saying too much and in anger at him — he needed to back off.
“You’ve lost a lot, I know that, but don’t you want to know what they planned?”
“No.” Dropping my head into my hands, I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes to stop the tears. I couldn’t cry anymore. I was so tired of crying.
“But, Quinn, if you knew—”
“That’s enough.”
My head snapped up as I looked at Gray, and his eyes met mine as he spoke to Jett. “She isn’t ready. It’s not your place to force this on her.”
“Gray, she needs to know, if—”
“I said no.” Gray cut his brother off again. “Back off and shut the fuck up,” he warned him quietly. “Look at her. See past your own self-righteousness and look at her.”
Jett glanced at me and looked away, and then I saw his head and shoulders droop. “I’m a dick.”
“You are.” Gray walked over to me and held out his hand. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”
Slowly, I reached out my hand, and his fingers wrapped around mine, pulling me to my feet. Bending his knees slightly, he looked into my eyes and nodded in question, asking me if I was okay. My head dipped quickly, breaking the stare. He saw too much sometimes.
Jett mumbled something and then wrapped his arms around me, and I heard him whisper Sorry as he crushed me to him. Reluctantly, I let go of Gray’s hand to return the hug.
“I’m angry, Quinn,” Jett said as he pulled back and looked down at me. “I’m angry this happened, I’m angry they got away with it — are getting away with it and worse.”
Cupping the side of his face, I reached up and kissed his cheek. “I know, and I’m sorry I can’t help you, but I can’t, Jett. I don’t know anything else.”
His hand pressed against mine that still cupped his cheek. “Okay, I’m sorry for pushing.”
“No, you’re not,” I teased him gently. “You’re just sorry Gray was in the room before the interrogation began.”
Jett closed his eyes at my attempt at humor before he opened them and embraced me again. “I’m scared you may be right,” he whispered before he let me go.
“Come on,” Gray said gruffly as he opened the door.
Silently, he walked me home, our thoughts both elsewhere. At the foot of my stairs, he looked at me.
“I’m not Jett.”
“Thank God you cleared that up; that fraternal twin thing was confusing me.”
“Don’t be a smartass,” he reprimanded me. “I’m not my brother, I won’t push like he is, and I actually told the stupid dick not to do this.”
“But Jett thinks he has right on his side,” I spoke quietly as I looked away from him, watching my fellow students go about their evening with their own worries on their shoulders.
“He does. And he does have right on his side, and I do think you probably do need to know.”
Turning back to him, I could feel my frown. “Then why did you tell him to back off?”
“Because I think I should be told first, don’t you?”
“What?” Stepping back, I looked him over. I could feel my defenses rising, rushing to protect me from the verbal blow that was coming. “What difference is there in me telling you and Jett versus me just telling you?”
“You know why, don’t insult us both.”
Clutching my book bag strap over my shoulder, I gave him a tight smile. “I thought you were being kind, I thought you understood. I didn’t know you were playing bad cop, worse cop.”
“I’m not playing, Quinn.”
With a derogatory laugh, I walked away from him. “You’re always fucking playing,” I snarled as I climbed my stairs. “Thanks for walking me home.”
As I unlocked my door, I felt him behind me, his body pressing into mine as his breath tickled my ear.
“You can tell me what happened, all of it, today or next year or in ten years, I’ll never push. But what I won’t allow, and you will not do, is disregard my right to know.”
Gripping the handle, I pushed the door open. “You know everything you need. I have nothing else to tell you. Today, tomorrow, or in ten years.”
His hand pulled me back into his chest as his arm wrapped around me, holding me tight. “You’re a heartless bitch.”
His words hurt more than a physical blow ever could. “Then let me go.”
His warmth was gone as quickly as it had come. Taking a few steps into my apartment, I turned to look at him and faltered when I saw the pain radiating from his eyes.
“Gray . . .”
“You can’t even tell me to my fucking face? You were always nothing but a coward.” His mouth twisted in a sneer as he looked at me.
“I’m not a coward.”
“Then tell me to my face, look me in the eye, and fucking say it,” Gray demanded as he took a step closer.
“Say what? What else do you think I need to tell you?” I cried.
Swiftly, he was in front of me, his hand curled around the nape of my neck as he drew me close to him, his mouth hovered over mine. “Tell me that it was mine.”
“Gra—”
“Do not lie to me.” His arm was shaking; his whole body was shaking with rage or adrenaline as he watched me. “So help me, Quinn, if you lie to me right now, I won’t be responsible.”
“Please, Gray,” I pleaded even as my heart was breaking. I could feel it happening all over again. “Don’t do this.”
I felt his hand tighten as he pulled me closer. “Tell me.” His voice was a tortured whisper. “Tell me that you were going to give away our baby.”
The tears were falling rapidly now. I couldn’t stop them, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to stop them as he looked at me. I could see every ounce of pain that he carried, pain that I had hidden and tried so hard to hide, but he wasn’t hiding his right now.
“I wasn’t,” I gasped when his hold got even tighter. “I wasn’t. I changed my mind; I couldn’t do it.”
“Swear.” Gray’s head dropped to my shoulder before his head sought the crook of my neck. “Swear it.”
Hesitantly, I wrapped my arms around him as I felt his lips pressed to the side of my throat as his head burrowed into me, as if he too couldn’t bear to see the pain he felt reflected in my eyes. “I swear, I swear to all that is holy, I told them no.”
“Which is why they chased you?” he asked, his voice muffled against my skin.
“Yes.” My whisper was so quiet I didn’t know if he heard me until I felt his body stiffen, and I knew the words that I had never been asked directly were coming.
“It was mine?”
My eyes squeezed shut, blocking out the low autumn night, blocking out the world. “Yes.”
He held me to him for a moment. For a few seconds, he held me so close to him like he was afraid to let go. When he pulled back, his face was a cold mask.
“You should have told me.” He didn’t move except to run his eyes up and down over me. His look was so sharp I could almost feel the cut. “I don’t think I can ever forgive you.”
My breath left my body with a sharp huff as I shook my head in disgust. “Don’t worry, Gray, I wasn’t looking for your forgiveness.” I moved away from him. “You got what you needed; you can go.”
“Who do you need to forgive you? Jett?” he asked me, his words laced with scorn.
“You’re an idiot.” I slammed the door in his face before I locked it, shutting him and the world away outside.
Why didn’t he understand? I didn’t need Gray’s pardon. To receive anyone’s forgiveness, first, I had to forgive myself.