Chapter 19 Sasha
Sasha
I can still feel him between my thighs when I walk into the compound gardens at dawn.
Sleeping with him was stupid.
Reckless.
The kind of mistake I swore I’d never make again when I found out the truth.
But I went to that cell anyway, demanded answers I wasn’t ready to hear, and wound up with my back against the wall while Tony reminded me why I fell for him in the first place.
I sit on the stone bench near the rose bushes and try to make sense of what I did.
The logical explanation is that I needed closure. I needed to confront him. The sex was just adrenaline and anger finding an outlet.
Except that’s not true.
I went to that cell because I needed to know if what we had was real or just a performance. When he looked at me with devastation in his eyes, I believed him.
So, I kissed him. Not because I forgive him, or because I trust him, but because I needed to feel something other than the hollow ache that’s sat in my chest since I watched him confess everything through the mirror.
“Couldn’t sleep either?”
I turn to find Katya walking down the path in running clothes.
“Something like that,” I reply.
She sits beside me on the bench without asking permission. We’ve never been particularly close; she’s Dmitri’s wife, and I’ve spent most of the past two years in London. But something about her presence feels safe. Like she won’t judge what comes out of my mouth.
“You went to see him,” she says.
“How did you know?”
“I know the look. I wore it for weeks after Dmitri and I…” She stops. “After everything fell apart between us, and I had to decide what came next.”
I pull my knees up to my chest. “Did Dmitri tell you what Tony did?”
“He told me enough.”
“He destroyed me,” I choke out. “A hundred thousand dollars. That’s what I was worth.”
“But he didn’t go through with it.”
“Because he got caught. I figured it out before he could finish the job.”
Katya shakes her head. “He sabotaged the mission weeks ago, long before he was caught.”
I know this.
Dmitri explained it yesterday.
But hearing it again doesn’t make the betrayal sting any less.
“He still lied to me,” I point out. “He was playing a role this entire time.”
“Was he?” Katya asks. “According to what Dmitri told me, Tony confessed things about you that had nothing to do with the mission. Personal things. Observations that someone just gathering intelligence wouldn’t bother noticing.”
I pull my sleeves down over my hands even though it’s not cold. My throat feels tight, and I swallow twice before I can speak again. “That doesn’t change what he did.”
“No, it doesn’t.” Katya pulls up one knee and wraps her arms around it. “But it might change what you do next.”
“What do you mean?”
“Dmitri lied to me about a lot of big things,” she reminds me. “When I woke up with amnesia, he told me we were married. That I was an art curator who’d been in a car accident. He created an entire reality and kept me trapped in it while I recovered.”
I knew some of this, but hearing Katya say it makes it sound even worse than I imagined.
“How did you forgive him?”
“I didn’t. Not right away.” She looks out at the garden.
“I was furious. Felt violated. He’d stolen my identity and my choices and wrapped it all up in a twisted version of protection.
But then I had to ask myself what mattered more.
The lies he told when he was trying to control the situation, or the choices he made after I learned the truth? ”
“And what did you decide?”
“That the man who kidnapped me from a hospital and lied to me for weeks was also the man who saved my life when rival families tried to kill me. Who could have kept me prisoner forever but chose to let me go when I demanded my freedom.”
I rest my chin on my knees. “Tony didn’t kidnap me.”
“No, but he took a contract to destroy you and then spent six weeks sabotaging his mission because he couldn’t go through with it. Those are choices, Sasha. Not accidents. Not coincidences. Choices.”
“He could be lying about all of it. He’s admitted he’s a liar by trade.”
“He could be,” Katya agrees, “but Dmitri verified everything. The fake intelligence. The sabotaged reports. Tony was destroying his investigation from the beginning.”
I pick at a loose thread on my jeans. “I had sex with him last night.”
Katya doesn’t look surprised. “How do you feel about that?”
“Confused. Angry. Stupid.” I pause. “I went to his cell because I needed to know which parts of him were real. And when he told me about specific moments—things that had nothing to do with Adrian’s contract—I believed him.
So, I kissed him, and it turned into more, and now, I don’t know what I’m doing. ”
“Do you regret it?”
“I don’t. And that terrifies me.”
Katya is quiet for a moment. Then she asks, “When did you start falling for him? What was the moment you knew?”
I close my eyes and remember. “We were in the safehouse kitchen. He was trying to make dumplings, and he was terrible at it. The folds kept coming undone. But he kept trying, and while he worked, he told me about his uncle teaching him to cook after his parents died. How his uncle said the best meals were the ones that went wrong because they taught you to adapt.”
“That sounds real.”
“That’s the problem. All of it felt real.” I open my eyes and look at Katya. “How do I reconcile those memories with the fact that he was hired to destroy me?”
“I don’t know if you can,” Katya admits. “I think you just have to decide which version of him you believe in more. The operative who took Adrian’s contract, or the man who couldn’t go through with it.”
“What if I’m wrong? What if I believe him, and it turns out to be another manipulation?”
“Sasha, living in fear of being manipulated again means Adrian wins, even if Tony’s telling the truth. He wanted to break you. Don’t let him do it by making you too scared to trust anyone.”
I hate that she’s right.
“I don’t know how to trust him again,” I confess. “Every time I look at him, I remember that he lied to me for weeks, and that he took money to destroy me. How do I get past that?”
“You probably don’t,” Katya concedes. “You just decide if what he’s shown you since the truth came out matters more than what he did before. And that’s not a decision anyone can make for you.”
“What would you do if you were me?”
She considers the question. “I’d ask myself what I want. Not what’s smart or safe or what my family thinks I should do. Just what I want.”
I pull my necklace out from under my shirt and twist the chain between my fingers.
“I want to believe his feelings were real. I want to believe that the man who made me laugh and listened to me talk about art. I want to believe that person exists, but I’m terrified I’m being naive and falling for another performance. ”
“Tony confessed when he could have maintained his cover,” Katya points out.
“Maybe he knew Dmitri would figure it out anyway.”
“Or maybe he cared more about you knowing the truth than he cared about saving himself.”
I want that to be true. God, I want that so badly it makes my chest ache.
“He called me Solnyshko,” I tell her. “Little sun. He said it like it meant something to him.”
“Did it mean something to you?”
“Yes. And that’s what scares me. If I let myself believe him and trust that what we had was real, and then I find out I’m wrong…” I shake my head. “I don’t know if I could survive that kind of betrayal twice.”
Katya reaches over and squeezes my hand. “You’re stronger than you think. You exposed Adrian’s operation when it would have been easier to look the other way. You’re not a fragile thing that breaks the first time someone hurts you.”
“I feel pretty broken right now.”
“Broken and breaking are different things. You’re still here. Still standing. Still deciding what happens next. That’s not broken.”
I rest my head on her shoulder. “Dmitri’s going to use Tony to get to Adrian.”
“I know. Dmitri told me.”
“What if it goes wrong and Adrian figures out Tony betrayed him?”
“Tony knows the risks. He’s choosing to help anyway.”
“He doesn’t have a choice. He’s a prisoner.”
“Is he?” Katya asks. “Because Tony walked into that warehouse knowing Dmitri would break him down. He didn’t have to cooperate or offer intel on Adrian.”
“Or he knew resistance would get him killed and decided cooperation was safer.”
“Maybe. But volunteering to help take down his client goes beyond self-preservation.”
I lift my head and look at her. “You think he’s doing this for me.”
“I think he’s doing this because he cares what happens to you. Whether that’s love or guilt or something between, I don’t know. But it matters, Sasha. His actions since the truth came out matter.”
“I slapped him yesterday,” I admit. “When he took credit for being honest after weeks of lying. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“You’re figuring it out. That’s all any of us can do.” Katya stands and stretches. “But you can’t figure anything out if you’re too scared to try. Adrian wants you to be paralyzed by fear and doubt. Don’t give him that.”
“Thank you,” I say. “For this. For understanding.”
“Of course. And Sasha? For what it’s worth, I’ve seen the way Dmitri talks about Tony’s confession. He respects that Tony told the truth when lying would have been easier. My husband doesn’t respect many people. That means something.”
She leaves me alone in the garden with the sunrise and too many thoughts competing for space in my head.
I pull out my phone and stare at the blank screen. Tony doesn’t have his phone anymore; Boris took it during the arrest. But I could go see him, ask more questions, and try to understand what happens next between us.
Or I could walk away, protect myself, let Dmitri use Tony for whatever plan he’s developing, and keep my distance until Adrian is dealt with and Tony is no longer my problem.
The smart choice is obvious.
But when I think about never seeing Tony again, or never hearing him call me Solnyshko again, that thought hurts worse than the betrayal.
Maybe Katya’s right, and what Tony has done since the truth came out matters more than what he did.
Or maybe I’m just a fool who’s about to make the same mistake twice.
I pocket my phone and stand. The sun is up now, and I need to shower and change before Dmitri inevitably calls a family meeting about what to do with Tony and Adrian.
But as I walk back toward the main house, I make a decision.
I won’t walk away until I know for sure whether the man I fell for exists, or if he was just another one of Tony’s lies.
I owe myself that much, even if the answer destroys me.