13. Logan
My eyesopen with my alarm in the morning, my morning routine an ingrained part of my daily life that gives me a necessary sense of control. It takes me eight minutes to change into my workout clothes, handle what I need to in the bathroom, get down to the gym we’ve got set up in the basement, and prep the equipment I’m starting with today. I spend another two minutes stretching, then start my workout precisely at 4:10 a.m.
Most of the time, the physical exertion helps quiet my mind and focus my thoughts.
Today, the bruise I earn on my shin from the kettlebell I’m warming up with tells me I need to focus a little more.
I set it down, carefully lining it up with the seams in the industrial carpet we laid down here, and stare at my reflection in the mirror for a moment. I haven’t been able to get Riley out of my mind since she left my room after fellating me last night. Since she begged me for pain and gave me her trust in return.
My cock starts to harden, pushing against the thin fabric of my gym shorts.
I ignore it and turn away from the mirror to load up the bar I’ll be using for squats.
Arousal has no place here. I have a specific set of muscle groups to work through, and limited time to do them in if I’m going to stay on track with my priorities today.
Staying on track isn’t usually a problem for me, but ever since Riley came into our lives, things have been… changing. And as I clean the bar up to my shoulders and start working through my first set of squats, I realize that I’m not sure which unsettles me most—how much she’s disrupted things and forced me to deviate from my comfort zone, time after time, or the fact that all of the changes she’s brought about don’t bother me more.
I like having her on my mind.
I like having my hands on her and my cock inside her.
Most of all, I like seeing my own demons reflected back, and even welcomed, when I look in her eyes.
Having feelings for a woman, any woman, after my mother showed me how evil they can be, isn’t something I thought I was capable of, but I was wrong. I would have torn the world apart to get Riley back when McKenna had her, and now that we’ve got her again, I’ll use every skill I possess to maim and dismember any man who hurts her again.
Except… that man is me.
I grunt, letting the bar drop to the ground with a clang, then load fifty more pounds on it. It’s more than I’ve scheduled myself to work with this morning, but I need the exertion to turn off these thoughts for a few moments.
It doesn’t work.
Ifucking hurt her, and my cock turned to steel when she begged me to do it. I like her pain. I crave giving it to her, and find a release that feels far more than just sexual when I see the pleasure and satisfaction she finds on the other side of darkness.
My thighs start to burn, and I realize I’ve lost count of this set, rising and dropping in perfect form, over and over, with more weight than I should be using right now.
I force myself to stop, wiping down each plate as I remove it from the bar and stacking them back in the rack before breaking for water.
And still, I’m thinking about Riley. She isn’t like anyone else I’ve ever known.
A part of me wonders if she really meant what she said to me. If she honestly likes the way I hurt her and the control I require when we’re intimate. But I’ve never felt as close to anyone else in my life, not even my brothers, and when I review the moments we’ve shared, I can’t find the lie.
She makes me feel like a different person. She makes me… feel.
I cap my water bottle and return it to the shelf near the door, then head to the corner where we keep the sandbags. It’s time for deadlifts. But halfway there, I catch my own gaze in the mirror and freeze, a strange emotion rolling through my gut.
Something’s different.
I lift a hand to my face, then let it drop. I still have my mother’s soulless eyes. I still have the face of a monster, but I don’t… see myself that way anymore. Maybe because Riley doesn’t, even after I’ve shown her the worst of the things I keep locked away inside me. Her acceptance, her… feelings for me, make it harder to hate the parts of myself I used to despise.
“You’re not a monster,” I whisper almost soundlessly, staring into the eyes I inherited from one.
Then I blink, and force my feet to move again. To grab the handles of the hundred pound sandbag and start a set of deadlifts. To clear my mind once and for all so I can find the focus and control that my morning workout always gives me.
This time, it works, and when I finally finish up and head upstairs intending to grab a quick shower an hour later, I’m not surprised when my feet lead me in a different direction entirely.
Toward Riley.
When she first came to live with us, I thought that trusting her was a weakness and I fought my brothers when I saw them succumbing to that weakness.
I was trying to protect them. To protect us all. But I was wrong.
Trusting Riley makes me stronger. Somehow, she’s become my anchor, the one person I can trust most in all the world. Not that I don’t also trust my brothers. I trust them with my life. But Riley is something different. She’s seen everything I truly am. I’ve exposed her to the darkness that lives inside my soul and come at her with my most depraved needs, and instead of shying away, she bares her soul right back.
I push open the door to her bedroom. She’s still asleep… and so are my brothers, one on either side of her.
I heard them last night. I still have cameras in this room. Knowing what they did together after she left me had me aroused to a level that required all my self-discipline to ignore, but I know what it is to find release with Riley’s body now, and now that I do, I no longer want it any other way.
I wanted to come join them last night, but I’m different than my brothers. There’s still a barrier between what I want and what I can allow myself to have, and while I won’t deny myself a relationship with her, the connection I have with Riley isn’t the same as what she shares with my brothers. It’s darker, and it would have changed what they did together if I’d brought that darkness into the pleasure they gave her last night.
Still, I let my eyes roam over the three of them hungrily. My brothers don’t arouse me, but seeing Riley between them, knowing she’s been filled and used and taken by them, that affects me in a way that makes me feel closer to all three of them.
I move toward the bed. They’ve kicked the blankets down, and Riley’s naked body is on display, all subtle curves and dark bruises and skin so soft it’s irresistible, made to be marked.
My eyes go to the scars I’ve left on her, a fierce pleasure flaring inside me as I take them in.
The scars are my marks, and while McKenna’s will fade, mine are permanent.
There are new marks now too. Marks my brothers left last night that make her look even more beautiful.
When I reach the foot of the bed, drawn toward her like a moth to flame, her eyelids start to flutter, then slowly open, locking onto me. In the dim morning light, their whiskey-brown color becomes two pools of welcoming darkness, and I suddenly want, I need, to feel the unique connection I have with her again. The one that sets me apart from what she has with my brothers. The one that tells me I’m not what I once thought I was.
I need to remind myself it’s real.
I place a knee on the bed, and she rolls onto her back, silently welcoming me. I crawl up over her, never breaking eye contact, the sex-drenched scent of her sleep enveloping me like a drug.
She stares up at me without saying a word.
She’s truly not afraid of me.
I wrap my hand around her throat. Not hard enough to cut off her air, just… testing. Waiting to see if the fear will finally come. If this will be the time she finally sees me as a monster. If she’ll use her safe word to save herself.
She doesn’t, and something flares between us as her breath quickens, her pulse thrumming so insistently that it makes my soul ache.
“Logan,” she whispers, my name forming on her lips without any sound.
My cock starts to harden, and I tighten my grip on her throat, needing more. Needing to feel the rapid flutter of her pulse beneath my palm. Needing to know she doesn’t just trust me; that she craves this too.
She licks her lips, subtly lifting her throat to press against my hand, and a low groan rips out of me as heat surges between us.
She gasps softly, squirming beneath my body as I tighten my grip even more, and I know she’s wet for me. I’m feeding the side of her that no one else will. She wants this, and this little wildcat is everything I want.
Every fucking time I give her a chance to hate me, she doesn’t, and for the first time, I actually start to believe what I said to myself in the mirror this morning.
Maybe I’m not what I’ve always thought I was.
Maybe, for her, I truly can be something better.
“Logan.”
Maddoc’s voice is low and tense, and I blink, noticing for the first time that both my brothers have awakened.
They don’t like the chokehold I have on our girl.
“It’s okay,” she tells them, keeping her eyes on me. “Logan and I are figuring it out.”
She reaches up as she says it and wraps her hand around my wrist, holding it in place.
“You like it.”
I don’t make it a question. I know she does. But I still need her to say it. I need her to say it in front of them.
And once again, she doesn’t let me down.
“I like it,” she breathes. “I need it. I need you, Logan.”
Something crashes through me, a feeling that’s hot and shaky and bright, and I’m more grateful than I’ll ever fucking admit that Dante jumps in, giving me a moment to deal with the swirl of unfamiliar emotions making my chest ache.
“Logan’s pretty intense, princess. You’re in for it now. You just gave him a free pass to—”
“To hurt me?” Riley cuts in breathlessly, her pupils dilating. “That’s what I want. I like it intense. I like hurting a little bit.”
Dante claps a hand on my shoulder. “Well, I’m pretty sure our brother here can help you with that one.”
I roll my eyes, but he’s not wrong. They know I’m broken. The strange thing is, I don’t feel it as much with Riley.
She gives me a little smile, something private between just the two of us, and maybe that’s it.
She knows I’m broken too. But all my broken pieces fit perfectly with her.
It’s a good feeling, and those emotions swell in my chest when I finally release my hold on her throat and she turns her head to press a soft kiss to my palm.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Maddoc and Dante share a nod as they get out of bed, leaving the two of us in our own little bubble. We linger like that for a moment, our gazes still locked, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel something almost like… contentment.
It’s almost impossible to drag myself away from Riley, even though I know we need to get up. We have to buckle down and figure out what our next move will be. The thought of the danger she could still be in is what finally urges me into action, and I pull my hand away from her face and lean back.
Once we finally clamber out of bed and head down to the kitchen, Maddoc immediately gets us all back on track, reminding us that West Point has a serious advantage over us now that McKenna is in control of Riley’s inheritance.
Dante starts up some coffee as we begin to discuss how to fucking deal with that, and I pull out meat, vegetables, and eggs to start an omelet for Riley and my brothers.
“He got all the money,” Riley says as we review what we know, a stricken look on her face. “I signed everything over. Shit. Why didn’t I fight him?”
“Because you needed to stay the fuck alive,” Maddoc growls as Dante smooths his hand down her hair, the vibrant colors twining around his fingers.
“You did what you had to, princess,” he adds. “That’s all we fucking care about.”
“Austin can do some terrible things with the money though, can’t he?” she asks, her eyes flicking between us.
“He can fucking try.” Rage flashes in Maddoc’s eyes for a moment, then he slips his calm mask of leadership back on and scrubs a hand over his face. “He will try. But having a few more resources is about the only advantage that piece of shit has, butterfly. West Point will never take us out, because McKenna doesn’t actually know how to build something that will last. He’s got no fucking loyalty, and it’s gonna come back and bite him in the ass at some point, when money can’t help him.”
I agree with Maddoc’s assessment, but Riley doesn’t need to be coddled. The facts are that McKenna isn’t going to win here, but he can still do a lot of damage along the way.
I share a look with Dante, seeing the same thoughts brewing in his green eyes.
Maddoc catches it.
“Fuck,” he says with a sigh, his expression grim. “Yeah, okay, he’s gonna cause some problems. We need to do damage control and try to predict where he’ll strike us first.”
“And what his endgame is,” Dante throws in.
We discuss a few potential scenarios as I crack eggs into the pan I just heated and whisk in the other ingredients, and the mood in the kitchen shifts to something grimmer with each one.
“What about the other gangs?” Riley asks, accepting a cup of coffee from Dante as I start to plate the omelets. “Will you lose allies over this? Or will Austin go after some of the others? Not to sound cold, but maybe that will buy you some time?”
“Us,” Maddoc corrects her, taking the coffee out of her hand as she lifts it to her lips and grabbing her chin to hold her in place. His eyes drill into hers. “Buy us some time.”
“Us,” she repeats, smiling.
He dips down to steal a kiss, then hands her back her coffee.
“But yes,” I tell her, “we’ll lose allies, and McKenna will try to take over some of the weaker gangs’ territories now that he’s got access to so many resources, but he won’t do it strategically.”
Riley blinks. “Why not?”
Dante laughs, a dark sound that he’s not suited for. “’Cause he fucking hates us. It will cloud his judgment.”
Maddoc’s lips compress into a thin line, and he nods sharply. “We’ll do what we can to protect our holdings and set up some lines of defense, but we’re flying blind until he shows his hand. Right now, we only know two things for sure. He’s got a lot more resources than he used to, and Dante’s right. McKenna hates the Reapers, so he’s not gonna be strategic. He’s going to make this personal.”
“He already has,” I say, my knuckles whitening as my hand tightens on the spatula I’m holding, picturing those marks he left on our girl.
She may like pain, but only my pain. Only from me or my brothers. If Maddoc doesn’t kill him for what he did to her, I’ll do it myself.
“He was trying to make it personal when he offered to trade for me,” Riley says in a strained voice, looking at Maddoc. “He doesn’t just hate the Reapers, he hates you.”
Maddoc nods. “And now that he knows what you mean to me, butterfly, he’s gonna become an even bigger threat.”
She makes a strangled sound, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. “So, if I wasn’t—”
“Don’t,” Maddoc cuts her off sharply. “That’s not what I meant. That’s not ever gonna be the answer. You’re ours. That isn’t negotiable.”
“Having you here just gives us more to fight for, princess,” Dante says, a deadly gleam in his eye as he grins at her. “And it puts things into perspective when it comes to the Reapers and West Point coexisting here.”
“How can we?” Riley asks. “Austin will turn the city into a war zone.”
“That’s right,” I say, slipping the omelet onto her plate. “Dante meant we can’t coexist. It’s no longer possible. This isn’t just about territory anymore. We’ll have to end it.”
Maddoc’s eyes flash. “It’s gonna be him or us.”
I meet his gaze and give him a sharp nod, understanding passing between us. Only one of those options is acceptable. Us.
Whatever it fucking takes.