10. Cain
TEN
CAIN
My thighs are screaming as I spill inside her, grunting so hard my throat is hoarse. Sweat drips down my face, stinging my eyes. "Are you okay?" I question Marissa. She seems as if she's unsure of what has just happened. Her eyes are cloudy, sweat pours off her body too, making it look as if she's just had one of the hardest work outs of her life.
"Yeah," she answers, bemused. "I didn't know you had that in you."
I didn't know either. I always imagined it, but I never thought to take her this way. I've never been the dominant type of man who made demands and expected her to follow through with them. There's no doubt, though, that this is the best sex we've ever had. "I always wanted to have it in me," I laugh as I gather her up in my arms.
"Holy shit, Cain Miller. That was..."
"Mind-blowing?" I finish for her, before panicking slightly. "I didn't even think to ask if you're still on birth control. We never used protection before, and I'm used to it.." I trail off, hoping like hell I haven't fucked this up.
"I'm still on birth control. We're fine." She smiles up at me.
My heart finally slows down, and I press my hair back from my forehead. I don't know what to do. For the last six years, every time we've had sex, we didn't have a discussion on whether I needed to leave, because we lived together. I don't know how to handle this. We don't live together anymore, and our divorce is almost complete. This is brand new for me, and I'm completely out of my element. There's one thing I do know. We've got to broach this topic. Not facing things head on is what broke us apart before. "I hate to ask this, but do you want me to stay, or do you want me to leave? I'm not sure what protocol is here."
"I don't know either." She shrugs.
Inhaling deeply, I let out the breath. "Don't feel like you have to say it's okay for me to stay. This is your place, and it's your call whether I stay here or not."
"Cain, I don't want to hurt you."
"You're not going to hurt me. There are things that have changed between us, and this is one of them. We don't live together. My name isn't on this lease. Please tell me what you want. We've wasted a lot of time in the past year, trying to do what each other assumed was the right thing. Honesty is what we need to have with each other. So be honest with me about what you want." I tilt her chin down, forcing her eyes to meet mine.
She licks her lips. "I don't want to get used to you being here..."
"So you want me to leave?"
She nods. It's almost imperceptible, but it's there.
"I can do that, and I won't take it personally. I promise, I know it's not."
Marissa's eyes widen. "Are you being nice because you want this to end on a good note, or is this really you?"
Now this hurts, but I can recognize where she's coming from. "I know I wasn't the best or most understanding husband before you left. Looking back, I can see how often you were begging for me to understand, and I didn't. I take full responsibility for that, but there is something I want to ask you."
"Okay, I'll listen."
Here goes what I've wanted to tell her for the last few months. "We've both said things we didn't mean, shit in the heat of the moment, and we knew later, it wasn't cool. I remember that voice mail I left you when I realized you'd left," I drop my voice an octave, ashamed of how I'd reacted. "I've thought a million different ways about what I would do differently if given the chance. You didn't deserve any of that."
She interrupts. "No, I did. I sprung this on you, and you had no idea it was coming. That wasn't my intention, but once I got the guts to do it, I went full speed ahead. Not saying that it's right or wrong, but I could've done it differently."
"Regardless, I reacted badly. I should've asked you what I could've done in order to help our relationship, instead I started placing blame. It's not one of the proudest moments of my life."
She puts her hand on my chest and then rests her head on top of it. "We got married young, Cain, and neither one of our parents had a great track record, and it's not as if either one of us knew what to do. My parents very rarely talked anything out. They argued, fought, and slammed doors. I assumed that's what love was, even though you never slammed a door or yelled at me."
"I was scared too. I saw what it did to my own parents. They can't be in the same room with one another, you know that. So I never wanted to make you mad, or make you feel as if I didn't care."
We're quiet for a few moments, with only the clock on her dresser making noise. "Cain, neither one of us were taught how to have a successful partnership. We were expected to figure it out on our own, and I think we did for a while, but then the issues became bigger than us. Since neither of us wanted to hurt the other person, we kept quiet, thinking that holding shit in was appropriate."
"It wasn't." I answer for the both of us. "That's why we're here, and also why I'm listening to you now. I never want you to think I'm not listening. I've always done that, but I've never tried to understand." I swallow roughly. "I'm going to go home, get a good night's sleep, and then come back in the morning to help fix the store. If that's okay with you."
She chews on her bottom lip before nodding. "I'd love that."
I pull her chin down, forcing our eyes to meet. "I'm going to prove to you I'm the one for you. It could take years, and we might get divorced, but I'm going to show you the type of man I can be."
Reaching forward, she cups my cheeks in her hands. "Cain Miller, you've always been the type of man that's one of the best. I just needed more, and I didn't even know what more meant. Not until I started reading the books that I have downstairs."
I want to hear all of this, figure out how reading romance opened her eyes. "Will you tell me?"
"Yeah." She nods. "I will, not today, but if you romance me the way I've asked you to in the past, I'll tell you everything."
I know how much those words cost her. "Alright, you can count on me. I'll put in the work, as long as you do too."
Her face buries in my neck before kissing against the thrum of my heartbeat there. "Consider it done. If you're willing to do it, then so am I. I won't pressure you, you don't pressure me, and we'll figure out if we can salvage this, or if we should let it go. Deal?"
Nosing over to where her lips are, I open them and steal a kiss. "Deal."
With a groan, I get up from her bed. I hate this part. I don't want to leave her. I'm not used to leaving her. I've never been that person. It takes everything I have to hide my disappointment. I've never left her after we're done with sex. We've always cuddled and fallen asleep afterwards. This is the part I hate, the things I'm not used to. In time, I know they'll make sense, but right now, it all hurts. "I gotta be going. I have to be up early to meet you over here. What time do you open?"
She stretches, and the blanket she's pulled over her body slips, showing her nipples. Taking the opportunity, I lean in and take those hard nubs, one at a time, between my lips, sucking hard to give her something to remind her of me.
Her voice guttural, she lifts into my mouth, following my lips as I try to pull away. "We open at eight."
Letting her go with a loud noise, I answer. "Then I'll be here at seven forty-five, with some breakfast."
"Cain, you don't have to. You can come mid-afternoon to make sure you've gotten enough rest."
That she seems to be worried about my well-being gives me hope. "You should know by now that I'm used to not having much sleep. I'll be fine, I promise. I want to be here early so that when the adjustor gets here, they don't try to dick you around," I protest as I put my uniform pants and the t-shirt I wear under my uniform button-down on. Quickly, I stick my feet in my boots, but don't bother to tie them.
"Thanks, Cain. I really appreciate this."
"It doesn't matter where we're at." I reach over, grabbing her thigh in my hand. "I'm always going to love you. I've loved you since I was a teenager, and nothing will be stopping that any time soon, Ris."
Her eyes are wet as she looks at me. "I love you too, but we have a lot of ground to cover."
"I know. I'm willing to do the work, and I don't think that just because we've had tonight means that everything is fixed. I'm well aware that it isn't. Just know I love you. I'm willing to work on this, and I'll be seeing you tomorrow."
She waves, her eyes a little sad. "I love you too, Cain. Be safe going home, I know people drive crazy this time of night."
"I will. See you tomorrow. Come lock the door behind me."
I slowly walk back into the kitchen, and grab my duty belt, securing it along my waist, and check that the safety on my gun is still on. She stumbles into the kitchen, her blanket wrapped around her. Coming over to where I am, she lifts on her tiptoes and drops a kiss on my lips. "Thank you for tonight, Cain."
I hug her tightly, lifting her off her feet before kissing her quickly. "No, thank you. I know we have a lot to work out, but tonight was fun."
She grins. "It was. I'll see you first thing in the morning."
"See ya." Telling her I love her is on the tip of my tongue, but I'm not sure how she'll react to it, so I keep it to myself.
The door closes when I leave, and I go down the stairs as slowly as possible. It feels as if I'm leaving her behind. The way she left me. I came home from shift and she wasn't there. I ran through the house looking for her until I found the note on the fridge. I'd dropped down in the kitchen with my ass to the floor and I cried.
The only time I ever cried like that was when my grandfather died. In that moment, it felt like my life was over. Thank God for Wyatt. If it hadn't been for him, I would've ended it not long after she left. I had no hope. He'd found me and called my dad. We've never been super close, but he's always been there for me when I needed him. Although he and my mom got divorced when I was in middle school, they've both been there for me, whenever I've needed them. They just couldn't figure out how to make it work with each other. Neither one of them gave me a good example of what a marriage should be, but they've done the best they can.
As I get to my SUV, I turn around and glance back up at the small apartment. It breaks my heart that I'm leaving and she's staying, but I understand that this was the first step both of us needed. Getting in, I start the SUV, put it in gear, and drive away. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Halfway home, my phone rings. It's three am and my heartbeat increases, because nothing good happens after midnight. Looking at the caller ID, I notice it's my dad's number. My heart rate slows down. He gets up early because he's a delivery driver, and this isn't out of the norm. "Hello?"
"Hey Cain, just calling to make sure everything is okay. I saw your SUV parked in front of Enchanted Pages. Is Marissa okay?"
I love that he's worried about Marissa, even though he knows things are weird between us right now. "Yeah, there was an attempted break in. I was on-shift, so I went to check it out."
"Oh shit, I can't believe they decided to break into the shop owned by a cop's wife."
"You know how people are these days. It doesn't matter who you are, it only matters what they want." I remind him. "Luckily, there was only a little damage. She didn't get hurt. It's not anything that's going to be difficult to fix. I'm going over in the morning, and helping her get it boarded up, until insurance fixes it."
He makes a noise. "Do you want me to see if Alexander can help? He and Lindsey just had their daughter. I'm sure he could use the money."
"Alexander Raven?" I question to make sure we're thinking of the same person.
"Yeah, I saw him the other day over at the garage. He was asking if people had any side jobs for him."
I like Alexander. He's a good guy, and in a small town like this, it pays to help others in need. "Yeah, if you could ask him, tell him I'm gonna be over there around eight, so if he can be there between eight-thirty and nine, that would be great. I'll take care of paying him."
"Let me send him a message. Once I hear from him, I'll let you know. I'm glad things are good with Marissa."
I choke on my spit. "I wouldn't call them good. We're still trying to figure out what the fuck we're doing, but we did have a good night."
He whistles. "So you stayed. How much longer after you cleared the scene?" There's a teasing tone to his voice.
"Longer than I should have," I admit. "But I'm not sorry that I did. You know the two of us haven't spoken since she left."
"Will you be okay if that's the last time you're together, Cain? It's so hard when a marriage doesn't work out. Doesn't matter if one of you thinks you want it or not. It's not an easy decision to make, and it's painful no matter what," his voice is hoarse as he admits all of this to me. "I was the one who asked for it with your mom."
I never knew this. Neither one of them ever wanted to throw the other under the bus, and they've been pretty strict about that the entire time. "You did? That surprises me. I always thought it was her."
"I know, but she wasn't happy, and I wanted her happiness more than I wanted her to be with me. It wasn't a win for me if she didn't enjoy our time together. More than anything, I was worried that us not being a good example of what a marriage should be would harm you in the long run. Maybe I was wrong about that, but we both did the best with what we had."
He's never told me any of this before, and for the first time, I have a different perspective on what happened with them. "I love you, Dad. I've wondered about what caused you all to divorce, and I had my own thoughts. I'm glad you told me this, because what I thought, and what appears to actually have happened? They are two very different things."
"Yeah..." he sighs. "I know."
Signaling, I turn into my driveway, and then come to a stop. I'm exhausted. It hits me like a brick wall. "I'm home, dad. I'm gonna go. I need to get some sleep."
"Alright, love you. Let me know if I can do anything to help, and I'll send Alex over your way."
"Thank you, love you too."
I disconnect the call and then drag ass from my SUV into the house. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life. Both physically and emotionally. I gave Marissa everything I had in both ways. Entering the kitchen through the side door, I take a moment to look around and appreciate the fact that it doesn't feel as bad as it did right after Marissa left. When she did, I never thought I'd go to sleep with her smell around me again, but tonight I get to do that, and I'm nothing but thankful.