30. Cain
THIRTY
CAIN
Sitting in waiting rooms of doctors’ offices has become my least favorite thing in the world, and today I’m all by myself. I managed to drive myself, much to Marissa's argument. She has insisted on making sure she’s available for me whenever I need her, but I’m hoping after today, I can become much more self-sufficient.
That thought hits me in the gut, because I don’t necessarily want her to go. I like having her around, love waking up to her every morning, and look forward to the breakfast she always has waiting for me after I drag my ass out of bed. Running a hand through my hair, I realize how much I depend on her – not to take care of me – but to be my partner. What if she decides she’s done? That she doesn't want to come back home for good. I've been taking a lot of this for granted. I realize that now more than ever.
“Cain, you can come on back. How are you doing?” the nurse smiles at me as she holds the door open. I don’t miss the way her eyes rake down my body. Sounds egotistical, but I’m used to it and it doesn’t even affect me anymore. The only thing that affects me now are Ris' eyes running down my body, her hands touching my flesh. It’s enough to cause a reaction just thinking about it.
“I’m good, ready to see if I can get this cast off.”
“Kinda early, huh?” She makes small talk.
I shrug because I don’t really want to do the small talk dance with her. More than anything, I want this appointment over so I can figure out what my next few weeks look like.
She escorts me to another room and I have a seat on an examination table, waiting impatiently for the doctor to come in. I’ve done some reading online, so I know there’s a chance, if my wound has healed enough, I can get the cast off today. I want to take a shower, to walk without the crutches digging into my armpits, to get back to work, and to make love to Ris the way I want to.
“Morning, Cain,” the doctor greets me as he comes in.
There are no pleasantries from me. “How did that x-ray look?”
The older man laughs slightly as he shakes his head at me. “I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone who’s more anxious to get back to work than you. The state of Montana is lucky to have you.”
I don’t need someone to kiss my ass and tell me how great I am. I’m fully aware that I’m only four weeks out from an incident that could have killed me, but I also know that I have been feeling better the last couple of days. Stronger, more aware of my surroundings, there’s been a lot less pain and I’ve not had to take any pain killers since that first physical therapy appointment. More than anything, I just want my life back. I’m aware it won’t be the same way it was before the getting shot, there might be things I have to account for and accommodations I have to make. I’m good with that, but I’m not good at sitting around.
He pulls out a piece of paper before he puts his glasses on, reading what looks like a report. “I have to say I’m a little surprised, but I’ve seen the human body do amazing things. Looking at the x-ray, the report, and talking to your physical therapist, I’m going to say we can take this cast off. You’ll still have to be careful, but I'm comfortable putting you on light duty. There will be absolutely no running on it yet and you’ll probably walk with a limp until you’re completely healed. Your physical therapist will help you with that. I’m going to send a note over to the Chief letting him know that right now we’ll keep your return to work week-to-week provided you do everything else you’re supposed to.”
Happiness explodes in my chest. “I’m so ready.”
As he leaves the room, my phone pings and my smile falters for the first time.
Chief: Excited for you to get that cast off, but you better be making your appointment with the shrink. We just need her to sign off on you – as soon as that’s done, you do the physical course and you’re back.
Fuck me . I’ve been putting it off, but I won’t be able to any longer. I'm scared that if they did, I'll react worse than I did at the scene. I don’t want and don’t need that fear in my life. But the writing is on the wall - I’m going to have to face whatever it is, because I won’t be able to go back to my job until I do.
ME: Got it, I’ll make my appointment tomorrow and I’ll keep you up to date on all progress. Can’t wait to get back.
Ignoring the nagging in my gut, I text Ris, letting her know I’m getting the cast off, and they’ll be giving me a boot. I sigh deeply, feeling like one obstacle that’s been standing in my way will be lifted.