Chapter Twenty-Three—Sophia
I push a hand through my hair, yawning as I try to keep my focus on the books laid out in front of me. My desk is stacked with papers, scribbled with notes, half-finished essays, and exam prep I can hardly keep track of. How long till finals week, again?
I groan and get to my feet, stretching in an attempt to brush off the exhaustion that’s clouding my vision. It’s already been such a long day, and I have to finish up an essay that needs to be turned in by tomorrow morning. My brain is so fried, I don’t know if I can do it, but I have to try.
I have to prove to myself that I can do all of this without Blake.
I’ve spent most of today in the city, dropping off my resume at various establishments in the hopes that one of them will give me a job. I'm avoiding the restaurant like the plague. No way am I going back there to work after everything that’s happened. I didn’t even bother to go in for my last paycheck, which leaves me in a tough spot regarding my dorm rent. I need to come up with a few hundred bucks by the end of the week, or I’m going to be in trouble. And I don’t think they’re going to give me a lot of grace to get caught up with my payment. They expect everyone to have their cash ready to go at any given moment, so I’ll be out on my ass before I can turn around.
I haven’t heard back from anyone, but I’m trying not to freak out about it. Everything will come together. I have to believe that. Because if it doesn’t...
If it doesn’t, then I’ll have to contend with the reality that letting Blake anywhere close to me might have ruined my life. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.
At least he seems to have taken it seriously when I told him to give me some space. I haven’t seen him since the confrontation in the lecture hall, when I chewed him out and all but ordered him to leave me the hell alone. I don’t even know if it’s truly what I want or what I need or if it’s just what I’m telling myself I should want. It's so difficult to reconcile how much I want him with how much I know I can’t be anywhere near him.
Because he tries to control me. He tries to run every detail of my life, and he can’t let go of that control. Look at everything he’s done to me—getting me fired from my job, hiring me, following me around, kidnapping me and practically locking me up in his house. He runs his life like a tight ship, and that extends even to me, even to someone he seems to have feelings for.
Do I have feelings for him? I think so. Much as it would be easier if I could just forget about him and pretend that none of this happened in the first place, I do feel something for him. Our physical connection is intense, for sure, but it’s more than that. When I see the glimpses of the man underneath the surface, the man who is willing to admit that he doesn’t always love this life he has been thrust into—self-aware, vulnerable, willing to make change as long as it means he gets to keep me—I see someone I could actually be with.
But that man is too far hidden under the layers of his darkness. And I don’t want to try to excavate him. I got a glimpse of him before, when he agreed to give me more freedom, but he was gone again the moment I needed space after the shooting.
The shooting. I still can’t quite make sense of it—that I saw a man die, right in front of me, his life snuffed out in an instant right where he stood. Because he laid hands on me. Because Blake wouldn’t let him hurt me.
He’ll protect me against anything his world throws at me, I know that. But can he protect me from himself? From that dark, controlling side that seems to emerge whenever he doesn’t get what he wants?
Fuck it. I need to stay focused.
I slump back down into my seat and finish up the essay. I've still got to add references and pull in a few quotes from different sources, and then, I should be done.
I just about manage to get it wrapped up before I crash into bed at three, alarm set for just a few hours later. I don’t know how much longer I can keep all of this up—keep on top of my work for university and find a way to pay my bills, too. I might have to drop out. Fuck, if I could just...
I doze off, panicking about everything that still needs to be taken care of, and wake with a start after what feels like five minutes when the alarm goes off. Blearily, I print out the essay, stuff it in my bag, and head for the door, stumbling out into the bright sunshine. It’s a clear, crisp day, a lovely fall morning that’s almost enough to scrub the sleep from my system, but I’m still yawning as I head to the history department to drop off the essay.
The rest of the campus is quiet, I guess because everyone else is already ahead in their work. It’s nearly the end of term now, and it’s not long till we have to take our final exams. I guess I’ll see then if my hard work has paid off, or if it’s all been for—
"Sophia."
I stop dead in my tracks when I hear a familiar voice speaking my name. My eyes widen, and I glance around, wondering if I’m hallucinating from lack of sleep. Because there’s no way it can be...
"Blake."
I breathe his name when I see him standing there in front of me, my heart pounding in my chest. He looks even more handsome than ever—his dark eyes burning into mine, his hair cropped, his fresh shave leaving his jaw even sharper than usual. I want nothing more than to reach out and touch him, but I have to stick by my word. I told him that we had to keep our distance, but here he is in front of me, utterly going against that. I should be mad.
"What are you doing here?" I demand as I head off toward the history department. I’m not going to hand in an essay late for any man, that much I know for sure.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"We already talked," I remind him. "There’s nothing else for us to say, is there?"
He lets out a chuckle.
"There’s so much I want to say to you, Sophia. I don’t even know where to start."
I reach the door to the department and quickly stamp my essay with the date and time before I push it through the slot and make sure it arrives safely. Now that I think of it, it easily could have been Blake who was making sure my essays came in late. I don’t even want to imagine what kind of power he might have here, being the head of Silencio.
"Then say it," I reply as I turn to him, crossing my arms over my chest. I’m playing tough, but the truth is, it’s hard to control myself when I’m this close to him. I want to sink into his arms, feel myself against him, feel him around me, holding me, keeping me safe. Even in the midst of all this chaos, I know I can trust him to protect me, and there’s nothing I want more than to give in to it.
He flicks his tongue over his lips, pausing for a moment before he talks. God, the sight of his tongue. I can still remember how good it felt sinking into my mouth, starving for me, like he couldn’t get enough.
"I think I’d rather show you."
"Show me?" I furrow my brow. He nods toward his car, which is parked just a few dozen feet away. I don’t even want to know how he knew I was going to be here. Is he keeping track of my essay schedule or something?
"It’s just off campus. I think it would be easier to show you than tell you about it."
I almost laugh. "If you think I’m going anywhere with you, you’ve got another thing coming."
His lips quirk up into a smile, that devious, slightly cocky grin that sends a shiver down my spine.
"Come with me, Sophia. I need you to see this. Trust me."
He extends his hand to me, and I look down at it for a moment, hesitating. I don’t know if I should give in to him quite this easily. It feels dangerous, as though I might put myself at risk by leaving with him. God only knows. I’ve seen what he’s capable of. I’ve seen what darkness his world contains. What am I getting myself into if I agree?
But I’m so drawn to him—that's impossible to deny. I’m curious about what he’s doing here, curious about what he’s trying to pull off. And he’s not going to hurt me—right? The way he’s looking at me, I know it’s nothing like that. Whatever has happened between us, it’s not enough to break the spell, even if I wish it was.
I don’t take his hand. Touching him will push any last inch of logical thought from my mind. But, after a long pause, I nod.
"Okay. I’ll go with you. But no more than an hour, alright? I have things to do. Things to do on campus, not off."
"Of course," he replies, and he begins to lead me toward his car, his hand snaking around my hips with ease, guiding me across the quiet campus. I can feel the warm tingling at the base of my spine, my body responding to him even now. Will that ever change? He turns me on like nothing else in the world, and that’s dangerous.
But, when he pulls the car door open for me, I force myself to relax. I made my choice. I’m leaving with him. I don’t know what he’s going to show me, but I’m willing to see it through.
He climbs into the seat beside me, flashes me a grin, and pulls away.