Chapter 5
Widow
After leaving Frankie’s place, I went straight to the clubhouse bar.
I needed a drink. Hell, I needed more than one.
I needed a fucking IV of Patron. It was the only way I was going to get Frankie and her blue eyes out of my head.
Even though I’d tried to fight it, the woman had gotten under my skin, and now, I found myself wanting her.
I wanted her in my arms, in my bed, and it pissed me off that it couldn’t happen.
She was a single mother who was trying her damnedest to raise her two boys the best way she could, and the last thing she needed was a man like me—a man broken and incapable of giving or receiving love.
Hell, I wasn’t sure I even knew what real love was.
Never truly experienced it. Certainly never saw it.
Growing up, all I witnessed was fighting and recovering.
I could still remember the look in my mother’s eyes.
There was no warmth. No love. My father had beaten that out of her long before I came along.
Still don’t know why she bothered to bring Madden and me into the world.
In hopes of pushing the thoughts of Frankie and my mother out of my head, I threw back my shot of tequila and poured myself another.
I’d just tossed it back and was pouring a third when Danny, one of our prospects, came barreling through the back door with a case of liquor.
As he carried it over to the counter, his eyes skirted over my bottle of tequila, then over to me. “You alright, brother?”
“Couldn’t be better,” I lied as I took my third shot. “How ‘bout yourself? You hanging in there?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m hanging in just fine.” He dropped the case down on the counter and started unpacking the various bottles of liquor.
The kid looked just like his sister Delilah—right down to his hair and freckles.
I’d had my doubts about the kid, but he’d proven himself to be an asset when he took a bullet for Viper.
And he’d continue to prove himself over the past three or four months.
Hell, we barely ever saw the guy. Since he was our newest prospect, he was stuck doing all the nightly grunt work, but we’d just taken on another prospect, giving Danny a little more autonomy within the club.
He’d used that freedom well and showed a good deal of initiative which was something we all looked for in a brother.
“Things have gotten a lot better now that I’m not the low man on the totem pole.
I thought I was gonna be stuck doing the bitch work forever. ”
“You’re not the first to feel that way.” I grabbed another shot glass and poured Danny a drink, then slid it over to him. “It’ll all be worth it when you get that patch.”
“Damn straight.” After tossing back his shot, he went back to unloading the case of booze. “You ain’t hitting Stilettos tonight?”
“Not tonight. Taking a much-needed break.” I took another shot, then said, “Gonna try to knock back a few demons before I call it a night.”
“Good luck with that.” He gave me a brotherly pat as he said, “Let me know if I can get you anything.”
I nodded, then poured myself another shot.
Then another. And another. By the next, I was finally starting to feel the effects of the alcohol.
Sadly, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be completely numb, to escape the cold, empty feeling that had attached itself to my very soul, but there was no escape.
No matter how much I drank, no matter how many drugs I took or women I had in my bed, that feeling was there reminding me that I’d never be whole.
The whole thing was fucking exhausting. I didn’t want to be so fucked up.
I wanted to be normal, to know what it felt like to truly love someone and to be loved, but my father had made it clear a long time ago that I’d never have that.
As I sat there, I could almost hear him shout, ‘You piece of shit! Don’t you know how to do anything right?
So fucking pitiful. Can’t do shit. You’ll never amount to nothing.
You’ll always be my biggest fucking mistake. ’
His words seared through me, scorching me right down to the bone.
No one could see the scars his words had left behind, but they were there—embedded deep within.
I closed my eyes, trying my damnedest to think of anything but him.
I inhaled a deep breath, and it wasn’t long before my thoughts drifted to Frankie.
I thought about how fucking adorable she looked hiding in those damn bushes, her smile, the way the sunlight danced along her dark, silky hair, and for a moment, the tightness in my chest subsided.
Sadly, the moment didn’t last long. More of my father’s vicious words came rushing through my mind.
Worthless. A waste of fucking air. Pathetic.
No one would ever, could ever love a nobody like you.
It infuriated me that his words still got to me. My breathing had become ragged, forced and unsteady, my fists clenched, knuckles white and throbbing, and when I couldn’t stand it a moment longer, I grabbed the bottle of tequila and threw it, shattering the glass against the wall.
“What the ever-loving fuck?”
Danny whipped around and looked down at the broken bottle, then quickly turned his attention over to me. “Just trying to knock back the demons.”
“Don’t worry about it....I’ve got it.”
Without another word, he grabbed a new bottle off the shelf and placed it in front of me, then went over and grabbed a broom. Guilt washed over me as I watched him sweep up the broken glass. “Fuck.”
“Don’t worry about it, brother. We all have bad days.” Danny glanced over his shoulder as he asked, “Something you wanna talk about?”
“Does it look like I wanna talk about it?”
I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on our prospect, but he was there and that’s how the cards happened to fall.
I didn’t apologize. I simply opened the bottle of liquor and brought it to my mouth, tilting it back for a long pull.
I then stood and left the room. My actions didn’t do much for the guilt I was feeling.
In fact, it only made it worse. I walked into my room, slammed the door, and dropped down on the bed.
I closed my eyes and quickly passed out, finally putting an end to a shitty day.
The next morning, I awoke to sun blaring right in my eyes.
I quickly grabbed a pillow and threw it over my head, shielding my eyes from the light.
I wanted to lie there and block out the day, but a knock on my door let me know I didn’t have that luxury.
Without removing the pillow, I shouted, “Yeah?”
My door opened, followed by Rafe announcing, “We got church.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know.”
“Then move your ass. We’re gonna be late.”
I yanked the pillow off my face as I grumbled, “I’m coming, damn.”
“What’s wrong, punkin’?” Rafe teased with a chuckle. “Didn’t get enough sleep last night?”
“Eat a dick, Rafe.” I pulled myself out of bed and groaned as I headed into the bathroom. “Why are you in such a good fucking mood anyway?”
“Why are you in such a bad one?”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I splashed some water on my face and brushed my teeth. After running my hand through my hair, I stepped out of the bathroom and said, “Let’s go.”
“Damn, brother. You’re looking a little rough this morning.”
“Good of you to notice.” I shoved on my boots and headed for the door. “Let’s move. I don’t wanna be late.”
When we got to the conference room, Viper and the others were already there.
Everyone was talking amongst themselves, and I was thankful no one seemed to notice when Rafe and I sat down.
My head was pounding, and I was in dire need of coffee.
I didn’t have much to say during church.
I just sat back and listened as Viper and Axel discussed going back to us doing shifts at Stilettos.
We’d done them before when Stark was fucking with the club.
I was surprised they were going to implement them again, but I didn’t say shit about it.
Hawk, on the other hand, had questions. Concern filled his eyes as he asked, “There are always brothers at the club. Why do you suddenly feel the need to go back to the shifts?”
“Just covering all our bases,” Viper answered.
“We’re already covering our bases,” Hawk argued. “We always have. I’m asking if there’s something we should be concerned about.”
“Not at this time.”
“Is there a potential for concern?” Hawk pushed.
“There’s always a potential for concern, brother.”
“So, you aren’t going to tell us what’s going on?” Hawk barked.
“Nothing to tell, Hawk. When or if there is something, I will let you all know.”
Hawk nodded, putting an end to their heated discussion.
Viper then brought up our meet with Flint.
We would be getting a larger take for the month, so we’d be taking more of our prospects along to ensure the run went off without a hitch—again, something I already knew from my conversation with Viper.
Once church was dismissed, I went to grab myself a cup of coffee.
My pounding headache had me thinking back to the reason why I’d reached for the bottle in the first place.
As I thought back to my latest encounter with Frankie, I got an uneasy feeling.
I couldn’t understand why the memory troubled me like it did, and then it hit me.
The fucking spare. I’d told her to get it changed, but when I pulled up in her driveway, I remembered seeing that it was still on her car.
I was so eager to get rid of her wallet, I’d forgotten to ask her about it.
Not that it mattered. It wasn’t my fucking problem. Frankie was a grown woman who could take care of her own shit. I didn’t need to be worrying over her or her fucking tire. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn’t even notice Lynch had walked up until he asked, “What’s with you?”
“Nothing.”