Quinn
I don't sleep, not really. I drift in and out of a fitful sleep, waking every hour or so with everything that happened last night.
I felt it the moment that Lorenzo's hand left my back, the way his face changed from a little soft in the eyes when he spoke to me to ice cold eyes that showed me that something has definitely changed.
Not to mention the distance he put between us. Sure, he was standing beside me, but there could have been a mountain between us, and I’d have still felt the same.
I've a lot on my mind. Work things.
He looked me in the eye and lied. The worst part is he knew I knew it was a lie and he didn't care enough to give me a better one.
I gave up on sleep at five this morning, there was no point in even trying anymore.
The sun was starting to rise by the time I dragged myself out of bed and I sat at the window watching it.
I know that it was Daire that put that distance between Lorenzo and I.
I saw her speaking with him, and then he asked about Orla.
Whatever Daire told him, it worked. My sister is good at making sure people are isolated, and she does it so fucking convincingly.
Just a few words here or there that she manages to disguise as concern, and the next thing, her victim is on the outskirts watching, wondering what the hell happened.
That’s exactly what I’m doing right now.
I glance down at the ring that Lorenzo gave me, the one that I was so happy to receive. I had thought that maybe things were starting to look up for me, that finally I wouldn’t have to live in a house where I’m barely tolerated.
Less than five weeks before I’m living with Lorenzo and now I'm dreading it. At least with living in this house I know what I’m up against. I had hope about how I could escape this, and now that’s all ripped to shreds.
I have no escape anymore. I guess I’ve always been destined to become someone no one loves or cares for. I should have known better than to get my hopes up at becoming anything other than a nobody.
I enter the breakfast room and come to a halt.
Usually, I eat alone. Sometimes with Caden if he's managed to drag himself out of bed before noon.
Today, everyone seems to have appeared at once.
Mam is seated beside Da at the table, both of them hidden behind newspapers.
Dáire is beside Mam, Conn beside her, home from college for a few days and already acting like he'd rather be anywhere else.
Dáithí occupies the seat on Da's left. Only Caden and I are missing.
“Morning,” Daithí says as I take a seat beside him.
“Morning,” I reply softly as I make myself a cup of tea and some toast.
“You okay?” he asks so that only I can hear him.
“Grand,” I lie, and I know he knows that I’m lying, but neither of us comments any further.
I hear footsteps behind me, and Caden sinks onto the chair beside me, a smile on his face as he knocks his knee against mine under the table.
I don’t say anything, but I appreciate that he’s beside me and offering me support, which makes me wonder how bad I look when both of my brothers are checking on me.
Daire reaches for the jam, spreads it on her toast, and looks up at me. "You look exhausted, Quinn. Late night?"
I glare at her, but she keeps spreading jam on her toast. "You really should try to get more sleep, especially now. You can't afford to look tired with the wedding coming up." She flashes me a sly smile. "Lorenzo will have beautiful women around him all day."
"Daire," Caden says, flatly.
She looks at him with wide, innocent-looking eyes. "What? I'm being helpful."
I push back from the table, reach for my cup, and leave before I say something in front of everyone that I can't take back. The way that I’m feeling it’s going to be something extremely bitchy and hurtful and I don’t want to do that. I know how it’ll end, with everyone ganging up on me.
I shower and try to calm my simmering anger, but it does nothing to quell it. I'm not sure if there’s anything that can help ease it. It’s been building since last night. It’s a culmination of many things that have been built over the years, but last night pushed me to the edge.
I exit my room, wanting to spend some time in the library, hoping a book will help put me in a better mood, when I see Daire heading toward me.
She's got a satisfied gleam in her eyes as she stops, and leans against the wall watching me approach her. I fucking hate that stupid smirk she has on her face and I’d love nothing more than to wipe it off her face, preferably with a punch.
"What did you say to him?" My voice comes out steady and even. I'm so grateful for that, because inside I feel anything but steady. I feel an inferno raging.
"Well, hello to you too."
"What the hell did you say to Lorenzo last night?"
She tilts her head. "I don't know what you—"
"Don't." I step closer. "I saw you with him. I saw you move away when I came downstairs. I saw his face afterward and I know you said something about Orla." I hold her gaze. I won’t back down, not now, not anymore. "What did you tell him?"
She's quiet for a moment and then she shrugs. Fucking shrugs. "I told him the truth."
I can’t hold back the scoff. "You mean your fucked up version of it."
"Are they different?" She asks with a raised brow.
My jaw tightens. She’s making that inferno raging inside accelerate. "You know they are."
"Do I?" She crosses her arms. "Quinn, come on. You know what happened with Orla. You know your part in it."
I ball my hands into fists, wanting to smash them into her face right now. "I know what you told everyone my part was."
She sighs like this conversation is exhausting her. "You've been playing the innocent victim so long you actually believe it."
"You isolated her." My voice comes out harder than I intended and I don't pull it back. I’ve held all of this shit in for far too long.
"You spread rumors about her to everyone she knew.
You made yourself the only person she had left and then you told Lorenzo that it was me.
" I step closer. "You described exactly what you did to that girl, and then you blamed me. "
Anger flashes through her eyes and she opens her mouth to no doubt spew some shit at me but I don’t let her.
"Bullying me for years wasn't enough?" My voice is shaking now. Not from tears, but from all the abuse I’ve suffered at her hands.
"Having Mam spend my entire childhood telling me I was less than, that I was boring, that I’m nothing compared to you, that wasn't enough?
Lying about me so nobody would question your version of events, that wasn't enough?
" I'm not stopping. I can feel that rage bubbling to the surface and I don’t try to smother it.
"Getting yourself pregnant and blowing up the only real opportunity this family had to stabilize the alliance, humiliating everyone in front of the entire Syndicate, that wasn't enough?
Now you have to poison my marriage before it's even started? "
Daire's eyes have gone flat. "You always wanted what was mine."
The laugh that escapes me is humorless. "I never wanted anything of yours."
"You were obsessed with me. Everything I had, you wanted. Mam's attention, da's approval. And now Lorenzo." Her voice hardens. "He was supposed to be mine. Everyone knows that. You're the replacement, Quinn. In every version of this story, you are the replacement."
"He's not marrying you," I say. "He's marrying me."
"Because I didn't want him." She tilts her chin, her stubbornness setting in. "Don't forget that."
"I went to Mam," I say, and my voice drops. "When it was happening, when you were doing it to Orla. I saw it and I went to Mam and told her what you were doing to that girl." I watch her face to see if she knew I did and there’s no fucking shock in her expression. "You know that."
That fucking smirk comes back on her lips. God, she’s so infuriating.
"And do you know what she did?" I say. "She slapped me across the face and told me I was jealous.
Told me I was lying." My voice is ice cold which is crazy considering I’m burning with rage.
"I was sixteen years old and I was trying to help someone and Mam hit me.
Called me a liar and chose you. Like she always does. "
"Don't bring Mam into this—"
I shake my head as the laughter rumbles out of me. “Like she’s not already in this? She’s lied to protect you and threw me under the bus. She’s helped you destroy every part of me.”
"You ruined our family by being born." She says, her words like acid.
"Did you know that? Mam told me you were an accident, that she and Da didn't want another child.
You were one more problem to manage." Her voice is still hard and filled with venom.
"I made sure everyone saw who you really are.
Weak, pathetic, inconsequential. And it doesn't matter whether you were to blame for Orla, everyone thinks you were, and that's all that matters.
Lorenzo knows now. Just like the rest of us have always known. "
I breathe, pulling in a deep breath through my nose, trying not to cry.
I’ve always known that I wasn’t wanted, that I was nothing but a burden. But God, it fucking hurts to hear it out loud.
"For once in your miserable life," I hiss, not letting the tears fall, "stop blaming me for the consequences of your own choices."
She rears her head back as though I’ve just struck her.
"Orla is not my consequence," I say. "Whatever is broken in you, Daire, it's yours. Not mine. I'm done carrying it for you."
"What is going on?" I hear Mam’s angry voice from the end of the hall.
I don't know how long she's been there but from the expression on her face, long enough. No doubt she’s heard everything and will always side with Daire.
She looks between us and then her eyes settle on me. "Quinn," she says. "What on earth are you doing?"
"Ask Daire," I say, not bothering to check my tone with her.