Chapter 2
Ryan
We all make ourselves comfortable in the changing rooms after training, for the pre-match meeting.
The coach was hard on me today: he didn’t cut me any slack and the other guys all seemed particularly aggressive.
Maybe I’ll end up being the team mascot, or the one who gets kicked for fun, to release a bit of tension.
I sit down towards the back, as usual, waiting for the others to stop pissing around and take their seats.
I have an ice pack on one shoulder, which took a bigger beating than it should have during Scott’s last tackle, and I can feel the muscles in my leg screaming with pain from the force. But even though physically I feel like shit, I actually feel strangely good.
Sport. That’s what I need.
Jamie sits himself down next to me. “What’s wrong?” he asks, noting the look of surprise on my face.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for the meeting...?” he says, raising an eyebrow.
“I mean, what are you doing here in the back row next to a loser like me? Why aren’t you up front with Ian like all the other champions?”
Jamie’s the team captain, a good friend of Ian’s – not to mention that he’s also Riley’s brother. Basically, let’s just say that my brother has it very easy – unlike yours truly.
Jamie laughs loudly. “Thought I’d sit here today, next to you.”
Confused by what he’s said, I decide not to ask any more questions, and to concentrate instead on the coach, who’s just begun to speak.
He shows us the tactic board, tells us about our opponents, makes his final recommendations, reminds us that we’re actually just hopeless bastards, and finally grabs his clipboard ready to announce the line-up.
“And lastly… Ryan O’Connor,” he says, making my jaw nearly drop to the floor.
“Well done, mate,” Jamie says into my ear, while the room explodes into a rumble of noise and whistles.
“But, what…”
“Looks like it’s your time.”
I glance at him, narrowing my eyes.
“What’s wrong? You knew this would happen sooner or later.”
Actually, I thought the coach would never use me. I’ve been on the team for four months, always on the bench: I was accepted onto the squad for that very role, so I never expected more.
When they offered me a place in the team, after I’d unceremoniously walked away from my previous squad, I thought the coach was just winding me up. He’d known me since I was little, so I thought the offer had come from some sort of paternal guilt.
Let’s be honest: I’m twenty-eight, not young enough anymore to attract any attention to myself.
I’m not strong like my brother, I don’t play in the scrum.
I’m quick, precise, and alert, but I’m not the best player in the rotation, and I’ve accepted that.
Maybe it was different a few years ago. I was still a boy, I was ambitious, determined, passionate…
Now there’s barely anything left of that boy who dreamed of the blue jersey, who believed in his own drive.
Maybe the coach doesn’t want to take any risks, and has decided to chuck me out on the field because I’m disposable, easily replaceable.
“You’re up to it, right?”
Jamie always worries about everybody. He’s not just a captain, but a friend, a companion and a guide.
“Of course, what kind of question is that?”
“Good!” he smiles, satisfied. “Both the O’Connor brothers out on the field together for the first time, side by side. It’ll be fun!”
It’s true. Despite the fact that all three of us have played since we were kids, none of us have ever played in the same team – at least not at this level. We were close, once. Then someone decided to ruin everything.
The coach comes towards me, along with my brother, the second the meeting ends.
“Boy.” I stand up right away. “No pissing around. Don’t make me regret this.”
“I won’t,” I respond, determined, when I’m actually shitting myself.
“You’ve been under observation over the past month and we’ve decided to give you a go. Don’t let me down, or I swear you’ll be watching the next few matches from the changing room toilet.”
I nod, immediately crushed by the pressure.
The coach walks off, yelling at the others, as Ian stays standing in front of me with a stupid smile all over his face.
“Your time has come,” he says solemnly.
“Let’s not make a big deal out of it,” I say, playing it down.
“He’s nervous,” Jamie winds me up.
“Terrified,” Ian says, rubbing it in.
“He’s about to shit his pants,” Jamie continues.
“Will you both just leave it? It’s not a big deal.”
Ian comes closer.
“I know how long you’ve been waiting for this, so don’t bullshit me.”
I shake my head, trying to hide my nerves, and head quickly for the changing rooms to take a shower and get out of here – but first, I stop off in the bathroom. I actually am about to shit myself.
I get out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist. Ian appears in front of me, already dressed, with his phone pressed to his ear.
“Okay, okay. I’ll go and pick up Riley, then we’ll get there earlier. See you tonight.”
He puts his phone in his pocket, then turns his attention to me.
“Ah yeah, that’s right. Mum’s expecting us for dinner this evening.”
“Why?”
“To celebrate! What a stupid question.”
“You’ve already told her?”
“Of course, what did you expect? It’s important, Ryan.”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“For us it is, and we want to show you how much we support you.”
“Don’t tell me…”
“He’s part of the family. We’re not going to leave him out of it.”
I park the car in the crowded driveway – everyone has already arrived. I get out and go up to the door.
“Hey!” A voice from the darkness almost gives me a heart attack.
“What are you doing here, lurking in the bushes?”
“I was waiting for you.”
“Couldn’t you have waited for me inside with everyone else, like a normal person? Or did you do it on purpose, just to make me jump out of my skin?”
“Do you always have to be so tense?”
“Do you always have to just show up everywhere?”
“I want to be here.”
I snort and sit on the step. Nick does the same, sitting next to me. It must have been years since we’ve sat this close, just the two of us.
“I heard the news,” he says, interrupting the silence.
“News travels fast,” I comment flatly.
“I’m… proud. Really proud of you.”
A knot forms tightly in my throat.
“You deserve it, honestly. I just wanted you to know that.”
I nod gratefully, even though I can’t bring myself to accept this attempt at bonding.
“I also wanted to ask you if you’d mind me coming to watch the game.”
“Are you asking my permission? Don’t you always just do whatever the fuck you want?”
“I’d like to be there, but I don’t want to make a scene. It’s an important moment for you and I want to be there, but only if it won’t upset you.”
I get up. “You can do whatever you want, Nick. I can’t stop you from coming to the stadium.”
He gets up too. “I know, but I want… I want your approval.”
I shrug, trying to look like I don’t care, when really, his respectful, cautious attempts to bring us closer again have struck the right chords in me.
Damn it.
“Let’s go inside,” I say abruptly, opening the front door. He follows me in.
“There you are!” Mum runs right up to me. “My baby… Oh my God, I’m so proud of you,” she says, hugging me hard. “I absolutely want to be there. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
I peel myself away from her and smile warmly.
“I’ve just finished calling everyone – you’ll have the whole neighbourhood cheering you on!”
“I’m playing too, you know,” Ian interjects.
“Don’t be jealous,” Riley says, hugging him from behind. “This is Ryan’s moment, and we’re all here to support him.”
“Does that mean you’ll be wearing his jersey?” Ian asks, turning towards her.
“I don’t think anyone’s jersey’ll fit her anymore, not even an XXL,” I comment, challenging her to one of our usual squabbling matches.
“Arsehole…” Ian pounces on me, but Riley blocks him with an arm.
“Your jersey is the only one I’ll ever wear,” she tells him sweetly, and he calms down straight away.
Poor sod.
“As for you, Ryan…” he turns back to me, his attitude changed. “You can go and…”
“Hey, hey, everyone just calm down.” Nick tries to play the peacekeeper.
It’s not like Riley and I ever argue seriously, but by now it’s become our way of communicating, and I know she doesn’t mind it.
“Come on, dinner’s ready,” Mum calls us from the dining room. “Can someone go and get Dad? He’s upstairs.”
“I’ll go,” I offer, climbing the stairs.
I knock on his door. “Dad? Dinner’s ready.”
I step inside, scanning the room. Dad is looking out of the window. “Hey…” I go over to him. “We’re waiting for you downstairs.”
He looks at me and smiles.
“I’ll be right there.”
“What are you looking at?” I ask, casting my eyes outside.
He points to one of the houses across the road, and the rest of my good mood disappears.
“Have they had a baby?” he asks, nodding towards the toys in the garden.
I muster up my courage. “A grandchild.”
“Ah,” he comments, vaguely. “You know, I’ll have a grandchild soon” he says, pride spreading across his face.
“You must be excited.”
He nods, smiling.
“I never thought Ian would be the first one to start a family. I thought that…” he stops himself, shaking his head in confusion. He touches his forehead, as if trying to reorder his thoughts.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Dad,” I say, hoping to calm him down.
“I don’t know,” he says sadly. “I don’t know if it’ll all be okay. I’m worried.”
“You shouldn’t be. We’re here.”
“I’m not worried about me,” he says, turning to me.
His eyes are bright, just like Nick’s. But they’re also frightened, laced with a sadness that strikes my heart every time he looks at me like this.
“Will you be okay, Ryan?” he asks, almost making me choke on my own emotion.
“I’m fine,” I lie.
He smiles at me affectionately. “I always say that too, you know. But it doesn’t help: lying like that, to friends, to family. Sometimes you need to say it out loud – because, even if you hate asking for it, help can come from the people you least expect.”
“I don’t need any help,” avoiding the conversation, because I know that he’s right.
Dad may have his problems, and seem shut out from the world, but his lucid moments have a habit of putting everything right. He sees where no-one else thinks to look.
“Let’s go,” I say, nodding towards the stairs.
He leads the way out of his room, and I take a few moments to look across at the neighbours’ house.
I sigh, forcing myself to look at everything I’ve lost, everything that will never be mine.