Chapter 27
Ryan
“Ryan?” Ian elbows me in the ribs. “Hey, what’s up with you?”
“What do you want?”
“Coach is calling you.”
I shake myself out of my stupor and look around.
“Are we lost, princess? Do you want a coffee? A magazine? Shall we paint our nails?” The coach is winding me up, and I jump to my feet a bit too quickly.
“What? Do you want to fight me, boy?”
I clench my fists tight and grind my teeth.
“Ryan,” Ian pulls me by the arm, sitting me back down.
The coach shakes his head and types something onto his tablet. Then I hear him mumble something about trust and dedication.
“What’s wrong with you today?”
“I just don’t want anyone to piss me off, okay?”
“Well maybe you should go and calm down.”
I suddenly stand up.
“Not now, you idiot!”
“O’Connor!” The coach calls me, but I pay no notice. “Jesus Christ, boy! Turn around right now or I’ll kick you straight off the team!”
I ignore him and storm inside, heading straight for the changing rooms. I grab the towel from my bag and jump under the shower. I stand there shaking under the cold water, until someone turns it off, bringing me harshly back to reality.
“Not today, Ian. Please piss off.”
“I can see today’s not the day,” he says, passing me a towel which I wrap around my waist. “I’ve been wondering what the hell happened.”
“Nothing, I’m just in a bad mood.”
“I wouldn’t call it that.”
“Shouldn’t you be at training?”
“Shouldn’t you?”
“I’m done for today.”
“It’s not up to you to decide.”
I push past him and over to the benches, grabbing my clothes from my bag, and start to hurriedly get dressed, without drying myself off.
“So? Do you want to talk about it?”
“Do you really think I’d want to talk about it?”
“I’m not expecting us to cuddle as you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets. But I don’t like being ignored.”
“That’s not my problem.”
“Did you go and see…?”
“No!” I scream. “I didn’t go and see her, I haven’t been there since…” I tail off.
My breath catches. Whatever I have in place of a heart stops.
The revelation hits me, unexpectedly and surprisingly. It’s enough to make me fall, a dead weight, onto the bench. It hits me square in the face, blurring my senses.
I can’t remember the last time I went and waited outside that house. Maybe it was a week ago, maybe more. Maybe it’s since I saw her dancing in the café, or maybe since I saw the way she helped my father. Maybe…
I close my eyes.
I’m suffocating. Someone is suffocating me. She’s holding me up by the shoulders as I drown in a puddle of water. My lungs are filling with water, my heart has stopped pumping and my mind is losing its clarity.
Jesus Christ, how did this happen?
“Hello? Are you there? I’m starting to get seriously worried.”
“I haven’t been outside her house anymore, Ian,” I tell him, my breathing short.
“Okay. I want to believe you.”
“It’s something worse.”
He sits down.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Not now.”
“So does that mean we’re just going to sit here in silence until you feel ready?”
“It’s going to take some time.”
Ian laughs. “Ah, Ryan. You’ve never been very good at hiding things – you don’t even know how to keep a secret. Like the time we gave you your first beer, and you ran straight to Mum and Dad to tell them.”
“I’m not that little boy anymore.”
“That little boy is always there,” he says, poking my chest with a finger.
“I’ve grown up.”
“That’s true, but who you are will always be there, Ryan. Even though you try to hide it and pretend to be someone else.”
“Are we still talking about me?”
“It’s the same for everyone. You’re struggling, and I can tell. I know when you’re lying, when you’re pretending. You’re not this guy that you want everyone to see. You’re scared, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to be. But being scared doesn’t mean you can hurt others.”
“How do you know I’ve hurt anyone?”
He smiles. “Because you’re a good guy, and you can never do anything wrong without your guilt eating you up afterwards.”
I shake my head, annoyed.
“You’re not really capable of being nasty.”
“But I really am.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I’ve done something…I’ve made someone feel like shit.”
“Go on…”
“And they didn’t deserve it.”
“Mmm…and who are we talking about?”
“Don’t go too far.”
Ian raises his hands. “Okay, that’s fine. I won’t push it.”
“Good. Because you won’t get another word out of me.”
He stands up, looking at me.
“You can always make things up to them.”
“Maybe it’s better to just leave it as it is.”
“It depends how much you care about this person.”
“I don’t care about them, they’re…no one,” I say through my teeth.
“Okay, whatever you say,” he says, heading towards the exit, before turning to me again. “By the way, if you do decide to be a man about this, you still remember where she lives – right?”
Shit.
I drive along the road that leads up to her house about ten times, maybe more.
I go past it, turn around, then pass it again.
Her car is there, parked in the driveway.
The lights are on, but I can’t see what’s going on inside.
I park a few houses down and wait. I wait for logic to come back to me, for my brain to start working again, to tell me that stepping onto that driveway will take me twenty steps backwards.
I had no right to treat her like that. To have sex with her and then leave, like the worst kind of arsehole. That wasn’t what I went to the café for, but when I see her…I lose control. And it isn’t a good thing: it’s a fucking nightmare. A huge problem that I have to solve as soon as possible.
Someone knocks on the car window, making me jump. I wind the window down and say hi, as if I weren’t lurking a few houses away from his own.
“What are you doing here?” he asks. Straight to the point.
“I…er…I was…”
“I warned you. It didn’t take you long, I thought you were tougher than that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about. Don’t treat me like an idiot.”
“I’m not.”
He walks around to the other side of the car, then opens the passenger door and sits down next to me. “So…let’s imagine you’re not here, three houses away from mine because you don’t have the balls to get caught…”
“Let’s say that…” I say.
“And let’s say that you haven’t been a huge bastard to my mum…”
I swallow loudly, but don’t respond to him.
“And let’s say that she hasn’t spent the whole night on the sofa wrapped in a blanket, and that I didn’t find an empty ice cream tub on the coffee table. And I’m talking a kilo of ice cream.”
I stay silent.
“I found her there this morning when I came home,” he says, sighing. “And I really wasn’t happy, mate.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I told you not to treat me like an idiot.”
I raise my hands.
“I’ll tell you what we’ll do. I’m going to go for a walk. I might be back in ten minutes, maybe more…”
“Look, I have no intention of turning up at your house.”
“Do you want me to hold your hand? Do you want me to walk you over, protect you…?”
“Absolutely not,” I respond, overly confident. “But, you know, if you were there too, maybe she…”
“What a loser,” he says, opening the door and slamming it shut.
I get out of the car, too.
He prods his finger against me and says: “This is your last chance, then it’s your problem. I don’t want to get involved in my mum’s life.”
“So why are you getting involved, then?”
“Because she doesn’t need you. But you, Ryan – you need her.”
“Me? I don’t need anything. I’m fine like this.”
He smiles at me smugly.
“You’re already fucked, mate. Completely fucked.”