Chapter 33
Ryan
“Ryan?” Riley’s shocked to see me at their front door. “What are you doing here?”
I run a hand nervously through my hair.
“I wanted to see Ian.”
“Weren’t you just with him?”
“Not exactly.”
“He’s gone out for a beer with the guys.”
“Okay,” I say through my teeth.
“Do you want to come in? You could wait for him here.”
“No, it doesn’t matter.”
“Ryan,” Riley lightly grabs my arm. “Come inside,” she smiles kindly, stepping aside to let me in. “Can I get you a beer?”
I nod and drop onto the sofa. She comes back and hands me the bottle, then sits down next to me.
“Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s great,” I say, taking a few sips.
“I saw the match on TV. You were amazing.”
I force a smile.
“I’d have loved to come, but I felt really ill today.”
I look at her as she places a cushion against her back. It’s not long now until she has the baby.
“How’s it going?” I ask suddenly.
“Mmm?”
“The baby.”
I’m not good at making conversation, but Riley doesn’t push me. She never does. I always wonder how the hell Ian found a woman like her.
“She’s good.”
“And you?”
A smile lights up her whole face.
“I am, too. Thanks for asking.”
“I don’t do it enough, do I?” I ask, feeling like a piece of shit.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does, though.”
“It’s okay, Ryan. You’re just…you. And I like you just the way you are.”
I swallow, with difficulty. I’ve done nothing to deserve her affection. To be honest, I’ve been a pretty awful brother-in-law and soon-to-be-uncle.
“Because I’m Ian’s brother?”
“Because I’ve got to know you and I’ve seen your good sides.”
“You really think I have good sides?”
“Of course you do. Everyone has them, you included.”
She moves around on the sofa, struggling to find a more comfortable position. I put my beer down on the coffee table and take her legs.
“What are you doing?” she asks, alarmed.
“You’re uncomfortable, and I’m taking up the whole sofa. Come on, put your legs up on me.”
She flushes red.
“Ian won’t kill me, I swear,” I tell her, as I lightly grab her ankles, lifting them across my legs.
She sighs with relief and stretches out.
“Better?”
“Yeah, thanks. I get so tired in the evenings…”
“Maybe you shouldn’t still be working.”
“It’s just for a few more weeks. Then I’ll be on maternity leave.”
“Good,” I smile, involuntarily.
Riley’s the only person who can bring out that little bit of humanity buried inside me.
“How come you didn’t go out and celebrate with the others?” she asks me.
“I didn’t feel like it.”
“But you came here.”
“I just needed…I wanted to…”
“Someone,” she says, kindly.
I nod in embarrassment.
She takes my hand, which is still resting on her leg, and squeezes it.
“It’s not a weakness, you know: admitting you need someone in your life.”
I shake my head.
“That ship sailed way too long ago.”
“Maybe you’ll get another chance. Not all missed opportunities are a bad thing, even though it can seem like that at first. Sometimes it was just the wrong time, the wrong place.”
I laugh sadly.
“It’s okay to be angry, to be sad and feel down. You need it – the pain helps you come out the other side. But there’s light, Ryan: you just have to follow it, and you’ll see that, bit by bit, the pain’ll fade. And there’ll be new emotions to keep the pain at bay.”
I look at her. Riley always has a flicker of sadness in her eyes, something that makes her real and vulnerable; but she also has strength, and kindness.
Her past wasn’t easy: a violent father, who abused her and her brother Jamie for years, right up to the day that he beat her so badly that she was taken to hospital.
She was almost eighteen years old, and Jamie was still underage.
They arrested their father and took her brother away.
She ended up sleeping on the street, and it took a lot of time and hard work to get her life back together, to regain custody of Jamie.
She raised him, put him first, helped him to become the champion that he is today.
She never thought of herself, hiding behind others for years to protect their past – but also to protect themselves, knowing that remembering could make them suffer.
Then my dickhead brother arrived. He fell in love with her right away, but it took years for them to get together.
Ian has abandonment issues: his mother left him when he was a boy.
He was fifteen years old when he came to us – Nick brought him home one evening, after finding him sleeping under the bleachers of the school sports field, where he’d been hiding for days.
My parents didn’t think twice before taking him in, and he legally became my brother when they adopted him.
But Ian never forgot about his mother, his fear of being abandoned again an open wound, preventing him from trusting anyone.
He never let himself love, never let women into his life.
But Riley is Riley, and he – well, he fell for her. Now they’re together, and they’re expecting a baby. Maybe this means that there’s a second chance for everyone, despite their past, their wounds and their pain.
“Is that how it works for you?” I ask her bluntly.
Her gaze softens again. “More or less.”
“Does that mean you’re not really happy?”
“No, I am happy. But there will always be parts of me that are shattered, that I can never put back together. But that doesn’t stop me from living in the present, from appreciating how far I’ve come and who I am today. I have so much to live for, without letting the past keep dictating my life.”
“Do you think that could happen for me too?”
I don’t know why I’m asking her this.
“I’m sure it can. If you just let her see who you really are…”
“H-her?” I ask, panic-stricken.
“Oh Ryan…” Riley shakes her head. “Do you think I’m stupid? That we all are?”
“W-we?”
She laughs – but she isn’t making fun of me.
“I think we managed to work something out…at least you’ve stopped following her into toilets now…”
“This again?”
“If you just try to be…you.”
“But this is me, Riley. I am what you see.”
She looks at me, one eyebrow raised, with an expression that says I know who you are, and so do you.
“Little Ryan,” she says affectionately. For the first time, the word ‘little’ doesn’t piss me off. “You’re trying to be who you want to be, but that isn’t you. We all know it – and, by now, I think she does, too.”