Chapter 45
Ryan
How long has it been since I held someone’s hand? How long has it been since I stopped in the middle of the street to wrap a woman up in my arms and kiss her as if my life, my future, and my whole world depended on it?
How long has it been since I last felt so alive?
I look down at our hands, intertwined together, and then I look up at her: she’s pretending to be calm, to make me and herself believe that this gesture doesn’t mean anything. That it doesn’t mean that we’re both completely and utterly fucked.
But deep down, that’s how Christine is: she doesn’t use huge exclamation marks, or asterisks, or commas. She’s a full-stop kind of woman, and that’s exactly what makes me lose my mind over her.
“Ryan?”
A woman’s voice from behind us makes me jump and I instinctively drop Christine’s hand, suddenly ashamed of the contact between us.
That’s how, in an instant, a gesture that means nothing suddenly means everything.
With the same instinct that made me take her hand, inviting her to dive into this madness with me, I let it drop now, silently telling her that it’s over. That we’re stopping here, before we’ve even begun, as if someone had snapped our legs to stop us from moving forward.
I feel Christine’s eyes on me. I feel her confusion, and I know that I’ve hurt her more than she or I ever believed I could.
“Lauren.”
Even saying her name sends me back to the past – those years that I wish had never happened, but still weigh me down. They suffocate my soul, prevent me from letting in any of the light that has just started to make its way back into my life.
Christine says nothing. I say nothing.
There’s nothing to say, to explain.
There’s nothing but the past, coming back to claim what belongs to it.
“How are you?” she asks, smiling awkwardly.
She has the balls to smile. At me.
“I see you’re… well,” she adds, glancing quickly at Christine, standing silently next to me, but ready to jump ship and leave me to my demons.
“I have to get back to work,” she says, as I close my eyes, trying to stay standing after the blow she’s inflicted on me. Or maybe I’ve inflicted it onto myself.
I don’t turn around to watch her leave, to see her red hair blown by the wind. I don’t turn to see just how much I’ve hurt her.
I stay there, frozen in place. I’m overwhelmed by all the hours and day I spent longing for Lauren – and all of those I’ll never have with Christine.
“What do you want, Lauren?”
“Ryan…”
I turn to leave, but she grabs my arm.
“Don’t touch me,” I say, shrugging her off and looking her hard in the eyes. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
“Ryan… please.”
“Just tell me why, for fuck’s sake. Why?”
“That won’t help anything now.”
“You’re right, it won’t. I… I don’t want to know anything. You’re… nothing,” I tell her, turning and storming away from her.
I go past the window of Christine’s café but I stay outside – I don’t have the balls to go in and explain, to tell her that my life was destroyed a long time ago, and I don’t think it can ever be put back together.
I don’t have the balls to look her in the eyes and tell her that I’m not ready, that I lied to her again. That I’ll never be the right man for her.
That maybe I’m not even a man.
I quicken my pace and head towards the car park to jump in my car and drive away once again from her, and from everything I thought I had pushed down – but instead, it’s been set alight in my heart. I drive away from everything I wanted to do, everything I gave up before I could even try.
I escape. And even though my legs are moving fast, even though I jump right into the car and pull away as quickly as I can, even though I’m pushing hard on the accelerator, I realise that I can’t escape from what scares me the most.
I can’t escape from how I feel about myself – something I never want to feel again.
As I drive through town and let myself into my apartment, closing the door behind me and throwing myself onto the sofa, I can feel the gaping hole in my chest widening, sucking in everything around me.
Sucking me in, too.
“I’ve made another fucking huge mistake,” I say, storming furiously into Ian’s house and throwing myself down onto their sofa.
Ian closes the door behind him and comes towards me.
“Just how huge are we talking here?”
“Massive. A humungous pile of shit.”
“Please, tell me this isn’t about who I think it is?”
I glance up at him.
“Jesus, Ryan!”
“Why are you talking about shit?” Nick’s pleasant tone joins us from the kitchen.
“For fuck’s sake!”
Ian shrugs innocently as Nick comes over and joins the conversation, uninvited.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“Ryan’s fucked up,” Ian says.
“I heard.”
“Why are you always here?”
“Because Ian’s a better cook than me.”
“Selfish bastard.”
“Well, it doesn’t look like you’re here just to see how Ian and Riley are doing…”
“This is already giving me a headache. Don’t you two have your own houses?” Ian yells, impatient now.
“What’s going on?” Riley joins us, too.
Great. Because my two dickhead brothers weren’t enough.
“Aren’t you about to pop?” I ask her, nodding towards the sandwich she’s eating. “You can’t even see your feet anymore.”
“Hey!” Ian jumps to his feet.
Riley looks at me, her eyes narrowed and her bottom lip trembling.
Fuck.
“I didn’t…”
“It doesn’t matter,” she says, putting down her sandwich and going back into the kitchen.
“You’re an idiot!” Nick slaps me around the back of the head.
I jump to my feet and face him.
“Try that again.”
“I don’t think one slap is enough to get rid of all the shit you’ve got in there.”
“Can you two please try to calm down. I’m going to go and see how Riley is.”
“Oh, come on! I didn’t say anything!”
“She’s pregnant, you dick! Her hormones are all over the place,” Nick responds.
“And what would you know about pregnant women and hormones? Are you hiding something?”
“Jesus, Ryan! Grow up!”
“I can’t do this anymore! You two are…you’re… Oh, just fuck off!” Ian storms into the kitchen to join Riley, leaving me alone with Nick.
“Ryan…”
“Don’t you start. It was just a joke, okay? I didn’t think she’d take it so badly.”
“You don’t understand a fucking thing, do you?”
“What, so you always understand everything?”
“I come here a lot, I’m Riley’s friend: I know how she feels, and how your brother feels.
But you only think of yourself, as always, and only try to be nice once you’ve already been a bastard, hoping that other people will just clean up your mess.
Well, Ryan, you’re old enough now to clean up your own mess. ”
Even Nick goes into the kitchen, leaving me standing there alone in Ian and Riley’s living room.
I take a deep breath and gather up my courage, heading into the kitchen.
Riley is intently washing up at the sink, Ian and Nick standing behind her silently.
I clear my throat and all the words pour out in one breath.
“I’m sorry.” Nick and Ian spin towards me, as Riley continues to keep her back turned.
“I’m a huge, massive idiot. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t think I had.
I never think about what I’m saying – things just fall out of my mouth before I’ve even realised what I’m doing, and I always end up hurting people.
I’ve hurt you, and this morning… I hurt someone else.
And I shouldn’t have. And…I don’t know how to make it better.
I need your help, Riley, because these two dicks don’t understand a thing about women and feelings, but you…
well, you’re a woman, and you’re… Ian’s girlfriend, and you’re… you’re like a… sister to me.”
Riley stops dead, lifting her gaze.
“And I love you more than I love these two idiots, and I know that you love me too, more than I deserve and…” I don’t finish my sentence, because Riley throws her arms around my neck.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble into her hair.
“It’s okay. It wasn’t you, it was these damn hormones,” she says, sighing.
I smile as she lets me go.
“So,” she says, drying her eyes. “This fuck-up…”
“God Riley, I want to knock myself out.”
“If you want, I can help you out,” Nick interjects.
“You could put some coffee on,” Riley says.
“You want coffee?”
“It’s for Ryan.”
“You want me to make coffee for this…”
“Yes, you should,” she interrupts. “And you, Ian,” she says, looking at him standing there with his mouth hanging open, “We had some chocolate somewhere, the one with the Oreos in. I know I asked you to hide it, but this is an emergency.”
Ian bursts out laughing before approaching us and planting a kiss on her lips, telling her: “I knew you’d ask me eventually.”
She blushes, then turns back round to make me feel like shit with the kindness of her gaze.
“Let’s go through to the living room,” she says, taking my hand. “I’m sure we can work it out. There’s always a solution, Ryan.”
And, I’m not sure why, but after her words, I start to believe that there’s still hope – that I’m not lost. That maybe there’s still a chance for me and Christine.