Chapter 47
Ryan
He opens the door with a mixture of surprise and victory etched across his face. He knows that if I’ve come to his house then I must be really desperate.
I stride past him, into his apartment.
“Don’t start.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“But you will.”
“No,” he says, a smile playing at his lips. “You’re here to talk, not to listen to my bullshit.”
“I’m here because I want to know.”
He looks at me, his brow furrowed.
“I want to hear your side.”
“Now? Why?”
“Because I need to hear it.”
“What’s happened, Ryan?”
I drop down onto the sofa.
“Exactly what everyone expected. I…crumbled. And I hurt someone. I really hurt her.”
Nick sighs and sits down next to me.
“I saw that guy… her ex. He was hugging her, consoling her and… I don’t know. They looked intimate, they looked… too much. And everything came rushing back. I couldn’t stop thinking of that morning, when I saw you and Lauren hugging on her driveway.”
“I get it.”
“And I lost my mind. I hurt her. I hurt her because she was there, within my reach, and because…”
“Because you care about her.”
“It makes no sense. You shouldn’t hurt the people you care about.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. We always hurt the people we love the most because they expect the most from us. And usually, we let them down, because we’re not the people they thought we were.”
He’s starting to make sense.
“That’s what’s happened to you.”
And he might actually be right. Maybe that’s how it went – maybe what Nick did destroyed me, not just for the act itself, but because I never expected it from him. I trusted him, he was my hero. He was the one person I wanted to be – but he betrayed me.
“Why, Nick? Why did you have to sleep with Lauren?” I ask him all in one breath. I ask him plainly, almost painlessly. Because, by now, all my pain is headed somewhere else, and I need to hear the truth from him.
“If I told you that I didn’t even remember sleeping with her, would you believe me?”
“You can try.”
“I went over to see her because I wanted to clear things up – or, at least, I wanted to understand why Lauren had broken up with you literally that day. She was at her local pub – I knew I’d find her there – and I heard her saying to her friends that she wanted to be single.
She was at the bar with a drink in her hand, and an expression on her face as if she’d made a huge mistake and didn’t know how to fix it.
I went over to her intending to make her talk, to hear her reasons, maybe make her take it all back, but she didn’t want to tell me the truth.
She didn’t want me around. So I started drinking, too, to keep her company.
Shot after shot, Ryan. She started to open up, to speak about everything, and I listened.
I swear I just wanted to help, for fuck’s sake!
” He jumps to his feet, his head in his hands. “She told me that…”
“That she didn’t love me anymore.”
I already knew that part of the story.
Nick looks at me again. His eyes are clear and sincere, just like Dads’. I know that what he’s about to tell me is going to hurt – but he’s doing it because I deserve to know the truth.
“She’d stopped loving me for a while.”
“There was nothing I could do, and I felt so stupid and so useless. I saw how you were, how the break-up had left you, and I just wanted to put things right. Please, you have to believe me!”
I don’t move a muscle. I don’t even breathe.
I know how the story goes. Ian had already tried to tell me before. But hearing it from Nick, in his own words, riddled with guilt, had a whole different effect.
“And I don’t know how we ended up in bed. I don’t even know what happened between us, honestly. Neither of us remembered it the next morning. I just know that I woke up next to her.”
“So you didn’t do it to get revenge?”
“Revenge? For what?”
“For me taking your place on the team.”
“Do you really think I’d do that?” And seeing the shock in his eyes confirms to me that I’ve been a real idiot, for believing all these years that Nick only did it to hurt me.
“We both know that you were the one in the running for that place.”
Nick laughs bitterly. “I never had a chance, Ryan. I never thought I’d make the team; I always knew that place was destined for you. I went to the trials, like everyone, but I never believed there’d be a place for me. I was always hoping you’d get it.”
I try, in vain, to control my emotions, because this time I have no idea how intense they’ll be.
“And of course I was pissed off when you gave everything up for her. I didn’t want you to throw away your life, your career!”
“I couldn’t stay,” I say, resignedly.
Nick takes a deep breath and sits back down next to me.
“You were the weakest in the family.”
“I knew it!” I jump up, infuriated, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back down.
“You were emotional, sensitive. You had such a big heart. You loved her, you always had, right from the very first moment – you loved her for almost ten years. And I was worried, I admit. Ian was, too. We didn’t want to see you get hurt, so we tried to keep you safe. Maybe Ian did it better than I did.”
“I didn’t need either of you.”
He smiles. “Of course you did. You were our little brother: you still are. You still need us.”
“I’m old enough to take care of myself, Nick.”
“Sure – but your life suddenly took a turn and…you’re losing yourself.
You’re not that little boy anymore, but he’s still there, even though you try to hide him.
You keep him secret, with no light or air, holding him hostage.
And I’m starting to miss that little boy – we all are. We want him to come back.”
“He’s just a disappointment, to everyone.”
“That little boy has never disappointed anyone. We always loved him, and still do.”
“I’m a failure, Nick,” I tell him, rubbing my face with my hands. “A failure with arms and legs.”
“And muscles,” he jokes, trying to cheer me up.
“I still remember the look on Mum’s face, that day, when Lauren didn’t come over.”
“She was upset for you.”
“She was disappointed.”
“No, Ryan. I promise you: that was not disappointment.”
“And then when Dad heard about us, about my decision to leave.”
“Dad was upset for you, not for what you’d done. Ryan, what happened was not your fault. The choices you made got worse and worse, but we all understood them. We understood you, okay? You don’t have to pretend around us. We all know who you are.”
“So who am I, then?”
“You’re the heart of the family.”
I cover my mouth with my hand, attempting to muffle an embarrassing sob.
Nick places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it affectionately.
“You’re the best part of us. Of all of us.”
I stand up, hoping to run away from his words, from the commotion bursting out of my heart. I pace around the living room, trying to calm down.
“You were the one who cried over cartoons, who didn’t want to watch horror films because you couldn’t stand the idea of the bad guy killing everyone. We couldn’t even watch films where animals died, because you wouldn’t have slept that night.”
I don’t want to listen to him, but he keeps going, ignoring me shaking my head.
“Everyone picked on you at school because you were the nice one, who helped other people, and that made you weak in their eyes.”
“I was an idiot.”
“No, you weren’t. You were a nice little boy, polite and kind. And you still are, underneath all your bitterness. You’re still there.”
“And where did it get me, Nick, being soft like that? I was bullied at school, I had to train in the garden with Ian every evening just so I was strong enough not to break my bones out on the field. I gave all of myself to someone who didn’t want it, so they chucked me away. To be cheated on with my own brother.”
“Jesus, Ryan, if I could go back in time, I’d rather skin myself alive.”
“I know,” I say, exhausted now.
“You mean everything to me, Ryan. I’d do anything for you.
I’d do it for Mum and Dad, for Ian, but for you…
for you…” his voice cracks. “You didn’t deserve it, Ryan.
She wasn’t right for you. And I’m sorry that you met her, that you fell in love, that she broke your heart.
If I could do something, anything, to make it up to you… I swear, I would.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and let his words start to heal the pain in my heart.
“Just because I came here and listened to you, doesn’t mean I forgive you,” I tell him, not even believing my own words.
He stands up, too.
“You already have, Ryan. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here, asking for my help.”
“I didn’t come here to ask for your help.”
He smiles again. A bit too much for my liking.
“Don’t ask, then. You don’t have to.”
“Look, I don’t need you, Nick.”
“Okay, Ryan. Whatever you say.”
“It’s just that… I think I’ve really, really fucked up this time and…” I look at him in embarrassment, “And you’re the only one who won’t judge me for it.”
Nick takes another deep breath. “You always did call me when you fucked up.”
“Well yeah, Ian would’ve torn me apart. You won’t.”
“Maybe because I’ve probably done worse.”
“Maybe,” I say, shrugging. “Or maybe you just understand better than anyone else.”
I can see his chest puff up with pride.
“I don’t know if I can draw a line under what’s happened, but I know that it wasn’t your fault that she never came back to me.”
“That doesn’t erase what I did, though.”
“No. But it’s already a start.”
“A start… I like that,” he smiles, satisfied. “So…” he continues, cautiously. “You and Christine…?”
“Me and Christine. Over before it even started.”
“Mmm…”
“Jesus, what kind of bastard am I?”
“You’re not a bastard, Ryan, you never have been. Not even when you were trying to kill me.”
“I never did, though. I couldn’t have.”
“I know.”
“You always know everything.”
“I definitely know more than you. Like how, right now, you’re dying of guilt and you just want to find a way to make things right and make her forgive you. But you don’t know how.”
“I’d be happy to beat myself to a pulp.”
“I don’t think that would solve anything – apart from ruining your handsome face. And, bro, you still need it.”
I smile, despite myself.
“What did you do that was so bad?”
“Something horrible – something unforgivable.”
“Do I have to call back up?” he jokes, but I’m not in the mood.
“No,” I tell him, looking him in the eyes. From my expression, he understands that I’m serious. “Just you. Just… us.”
“Us,” he repeats, and I swear I can see a warmth of emotion in his eyes.
Maybe, after everything that’s happened, it really is time to put it all behind us. Maybe he’s not as big a dick as he seems.
Maybe Ian was right to make me come back.
Maybe, now, it finally feels like I have two brothers again.