Chapter 68
Ryan
“It depends,” she says, biting her lip to keep her emotions at bay. “What am I betting on?”
I smile and shake my head, half terrified and half fuelled by adrenaline, willing to take this leap of faith with her.
“Well, I can offer you relaxing TV dinners on the sofa. Chaos – mine and yours. I want your feet resting up on my legs. Laughter, lots of it. I want to laugh at you, laugh at myself, laugh at everything. I want to laugh Christine, and be happy – and you make me happier than I ever thought was fucking possible. I want nights of passion – under the sheets and on top of them – on this sofa, on that counter, on the stairs, in the shower…and I want to wait for you here, when you come home from work in the evening, shattered. I want to wrap my arms around you and help you relax. I want to see your tears when you’re crying over some stupid film, that I’m only watching to make you happy – but you know that, really, I’m enjoying it too. ”
She bursts out laughing between her tears.
“And…” my voice starts to shake. “I want to take Evan to school every morning. I want to train him in the back garden. I want to wait for him at home in the evening, when he comes home past his curfew and pisses you off. I want to have Sunday lunch at my parents’, all together, with you sitting opposite me. And I want…”
“Ryan…”
“You, Christine. I want you, and everything you have. And I want to give myself to you, to give you everything I have.”
I try to stifle a sob, and try to quieten my heart, which is telling me to run to her and take her in my arms.
“And we’ll fight all the time. I already know that.
But I want those fights, with screaming and slamming doors.
And I know that we’ll probably hurt each other, but it doesn’t matter.
I’ll take it all, Christine, if you’re willing to give it to me.
I won’t leave, I won’t run away. But please, don’t kick me out, even when I really piss you off – because we both know that I will. ”
She shakes her head, but keeps smiling.
“We’ll hurt each other, but we’ll do it together, Christine. Because I can’t do it without you.”
She steps closer to me, and I wrap my arms around her waist, feeling her weaken at my touch.
“I tried to hurt you with all my might. But trying to hate you destroyed me more than trying not to love you.”
“Oh…”
“You get it, right?”
She nods.
“Wow,” I sigh, relieved. “I didn’t think I’d explained myself very well.”
“You explained it very well,” she says, linking her arms around my neck. “Well. I’d say, by this point, you can call me Chris if you’d like.”
“Fuck that,” I say, making her narrow her eyes. “I don’t want to call you Chris. I’m not your friend, not your family…I’m your man. And I want to be the only person who calls you Christine. And, you know, it’s also sexy. It makes me think of…”
“Shut up, you’ll ruin it.”
“I know I will. Lots of times. I’ll even try to ruin everything.”
“No you won’t, O’Connor.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m here now, and I’m not going to let you.”
She jumps up into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist.
“The others are upstairs,” I remind her.
“Not for long. Because you’re not going anywhere now.”
“Where the fuck else would I go?” I say, looking into her eyes and feeling immediately at home. “You know that I’m in love with you, right?” I tell her, finally giving myself in to her completely.
“Oh, I know you are,” she says, sealing my words with her lips.
Her taste is in my mouth, and she’s in my arms again: everything seems to make sense, in a ridiculous kind of way. And I know that I was right.
She pulls away from me and speaks into my lips.
“You really did it.”
“What?”
“You made me fall in love with you.”
“Seriously?” I ask, incredulous. I have no idea how this woman could love someone like me.
“And I’d take a chance on you any day, Ryan O’Connor.”
Then Christine saves me with her breaths, with her kindness. With her love.
I know that this time I’m in the right place. I’m going in the right direction, perfectly on time, heading to the only place I want to be.
“What do you feel like watching?” Evan asks me, nodding towards the TV.
“A horror,” Christine says. “A cult.”
“Please, not Halloween!” I say right away.
“I was thinking maybe a Nightmare marathon?”
“Are you taking the piss?”
“A bit.”
And that’s why I love her so much.
So here I am. A quiet evening in with my family, slouched on the sofa in front of the TV, pizza boxes spread out on the table. I’m sitting in the middle, with Christine’s head on my shoulder, and Evan on the other side. Often, he prefers staying home with us than going out with his friends.
I don’t mind that at all. Although, after my brothers painting the bedroom, I’d love to find a way to make it soundproof. I love hearing her yell, instead of holding herself back in case Evan hears us.
“So?” Christine presses.
“I’m not ready.”
“Come on, O’Connor, I’ll hold your hand if you want,” Evan teases.
“I’ll hold the other one,” Christine says.
“Evan, cover your ears.”
“Sure.”
“Will you cuddle me later if I have nightmares?”
“Are you serious, Ryan?” Evan asks.
“Weren’t you supposed to be covering your ears?”
“You’re such a loser.”
“And you’re a little…”
“Okay, guys,” Christine cuts between us. “Ryan, if you don’t want to take this step, then…”
I can’t let them back me into a corner like this. I’m always outnumbered.
These two always push me around so effortlessly.
“To hell with that. Let’s get this marathon going, then.”
Christine claps excitedly, as she bends down in front of the TV to put the DVD into the player.
“Don’t do it,” Evan threatens me. “I know you live here now, but don’t do it. Not in front of me.”
“I wasn’t…”
“Ready?” Christine asks, sitting on my left, with Evan on my right.
“Stop looking at her arse like that. We clear?” he hisses into my ear, making me smile.
I imagine that this is how all of our evenings will go.
Our. Plural. Exactly.
And I don’t even need a paper bag to breathe into.
I’ve only lived with them for a few weeks, but it’s like I’ve been in this house my whole life. How the hell is it possible to feel so at home with two people – two people you’d do anything for – after knowing them for such a short time?
Maybe that’s just what happens when you find your place, your home.
She’s my home, and I know that she’ll never shut me out.
With Christine, I’m not scared of ending up without a roof over my head.
I’m not scared of being left alone with myself, the disaster that I am.
Because, let’s not lie: I am a disaster.
I have a shitty personality, I get pissed off too easily, I can be arrogant and a little selfish, I have an overwhelming, suffocating family, and…let’s just say I’m hardly the perfect guy. I’m the total opposite of perfect: but I’m me, and I’m not going to hide it.
I’m just trying to be the best man I can be, and she…
She understands.
With her, I’m myself. Not the guy I was before: that person doesn’t exist anymore. I let him go, along with all that anger and hate. And that was the right thing to do, because now, I’m really starting to like myself.
I’m the man of the house.
And I’m the man that she loves.
Christine takes my hand, Evan squeezes my other, and I find myself plunging into a horror film marathon, scared to death, certain that I’ll have nightmares for a week.
I’ll never go back into my parents’ garage with its chainsaw sitting on the shelves.
But I’m also certain that my family will take care of me.