Chapter 12
Rent Free
BILLIE
Run. Faster.
You gotta speed up or you’re gonna be burned alive.
Glancing over my shoulder, I see the flames licking my heels. I pump my legs harder, the burn in my thighs mirrored by the one in my lungs.
I’m running so fast I can’t catch my breath. I open my mouth to take in more air, but suddenly there is no air. There’s only the fire, the heat, and the horrible cramping in my chest as my need for oxygen becomes acute.
I can’t keep running.
I also can’t stop.
My knees buckle. I fall, my stomach pitching as the burning pavement rises up to meet me. I brace for impact—
I’m yanked from the dream—nightmare—by the sound of rain pummeling the tin roof of my apartment.
No fire, then. Just a storm.
I’m soaked in sweat. My heart is racing.
These fucking nightmares just won’t quit. Like I’m not having enough trouble sleeping after Ryder unceremoniously said he didn’t feel the same after I bared my heart to him. Now I have horrible dreams about being trapped in a postapocalyptic hellscape.
Fun times.
I lie awake, body aching, until the thin gray light of dawn peeks through the shutters above my bed.
Then I get up and go to work, feeling more dead than alive.
My cell phone pings on the desk beside my computer.
My stomach drops the way it does every time I’ve gotten a text over the past seven days.
It’s been exactly one week since Ryder turned me down that night by the bonfire, but like the lovesick idiot I am, I still hold out hope that he’ll text me—call me—and confess that he was lying, that he was scared of hurting me or my brother or whoever, and ask me out on a proper date.
Because that’s not pathetic or anything, continuing to pine after a guy who unequivocally shot you down.
Glancing at the screen, my heart falls when I see that the text isn’t from Ryder.
Instead, it’s from Xander. He’s going to be in town tonight, and he wants to know if I’d like to hang out with him and some of his friends at the Rattler.
The guy’s a piece of shit. I haven’t heard boo from him since my accident. He hasn’t so much as sent a “Hey, you ok?” text. He definitely hasn’t gotten me out of the office and treated me to a pair of custom-made cowboy boots like Ryder did.
But Ryder said point-blank he only wanted to be friends, and a girl has needs. Especially after being turned down. I’d very much like to move past the humiliation I felt, and still feel, despite Ryder’s obvious attempts to let me down easy.
Nothing like a little fun between the sheets to clear the proverbial slate, right? Xander is a good lay.
At the very least, he’s a sure thing.
I won’t need a wingwoman to come to the bar with me to help pick him up. But suddenly I’m into the idea of having some moral support there, just in case Ryder happens to show up.
I shoot off texts to Sally and Ava, and then I hit up Mollie and Wheeler too.
Yes, Mollie has a newborn and Wheeler is pregnant, so in all likelihood, they’re not going to want to hang out at a dive bar that smells like cigarettes and stale beer.
But I enjoyed hanging out with them, and maybe they’d like a little Friday night break from being at the ranch.
Immediately my phone pings with responses.
MOLLIE Rivers
Yes! I was just saying how I miss dancing. Haven’t been out since baby came!
I’m in. Here, I’m going to loop us all in on a text thread because I just saw you pinged Wheeler too. She’s sitting right next to me
LONG LIVE COWGIRLS TEXT THREAD
I grin. I like these ladies.
MOLLIE Rivers
Y’all, how cute is the name of our group? You’re welcome. So our gal Billie needs some wingwomen tonight at the Rattler. Y’all in?
WHEELER Rankin
How do you think Tallulah is going to feel about having this pregnant ~lady~ at her bar?
SALLY Rivers
You are the cutest pregnant lady on earth. I think Tallulah will be delighted to pour you some fake ranch waters
MOLLIE Rivers
Otherwise known as just Topo Chico, which I’ll also be drinking because I’m still nursing this nugget. Womp womp
AVA Bartlett
And the lime! Don’t forget that! Makes it almost as delicious as the tequila does. Almost.
Sawyer and I have date night, but we will join y’all afterward! Or I can kick his ass to the curb if we want it to be strictly girls only?
My stomach dips. If Sawyer comes out to the Rattler, does that mean the rest of the Rivers boys will too? They don’t always move as a pack, but they do often enough for it to be a thing.
Squaring my shoulders, I tell myself I don’t care if Ryder shows up or not. As his friend, I feel neutral about his presence.
Still gonna wear something hot, though. Maybe put on a little eyeliner too. This is my first time on the rebound. I’ve dated some in the past, but I wouldn’t say anyone’s broken my heart.
Not like Ryder actually broke my heart or anything. But his rejection still hurt in a way I don’t think anyone else’s ever would.
WHEELER Rankin
Sawyer is always welcome. I’m in! Gotta confirm—is the cowboy you’re after named Ryder Rivers? Just so I can fulfill my wingwoman duties to the best of my ability…
I could pretend his rejection didn’t happen.
But then I think about Mollie’s warmth and Wheeler’s generosity and Sally and Ava showing up for me in the middle of the day even though they definitely didn’t have to.
And it’s not like they won’t find out eventually about Ryder and me. Really, I have much more to gain than lose here. Just because I got burned putting myself out there with Ryder doesn’t mean the same will happen with these women.
I could use their advice. And their help.
BILLIE
(Not so) funny story…I told Ryder I had feelings for him the other night, but he said he wanted to be just friends
SALLY Rivers
Aw, honey, I’m so sorry!
WHEELER Rankin
That truly and deeply sucks. But kudos to you for being honest. That takes guts.
MOLLIE Rivers
Proud of you. But TBH…that doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not sure Ryder was telling the truth. The way that man looks at you…
BILLIE
Who knows? I get why he turned me down, though. He and my brother are so close, and it’d get messy
AVA Bartlett
Not if you played it right. How could the guy NOT be obsessed with you? I am
BILLIE
Y’all are making me blush. Thank you for making me feel better
Whatever the case, I gotta move on. This bull rider I know is going to be in town, so I’m setting my sights on him I think?
MOLLIE Rivers
Sounds like a plan
WHEELER Rankin
10–4
AVA Bartlett
Wear your new boots. We’ll take care of the rest.
My phone hasn’t stopped pinging. Dad’s chair creaks as he spins it around to face me. “Sounds like something’s happening. What kinda trouble you gettin’ up to now?”
See? Always causing trouble. But didn’t Ryder say I should keep doing that? Do more of it, even?
Part of me still thinks I should scrap the whole idea.
I am stirring the pot by hanging out with Xander again.
But if I can’t have the guy I want…well, what the hell am I supposed to do?
Sit at home and wait for Ryder to change his mind?
I have to do something, or I’m going to die of sexual frustration.
“You know me,” I deadpan. “Can’t help myself. It’s nothing, I’m just getting together with some girls at the Rattler tonight.”
Dad’s brow wings upward. “Elizabeth May, are you pulling my chain? What girls?”
As if summoned by the use of my full name, Mom appears, throwing open the door. “Well, howdy, y’all.”
“Hi, Mom,” I reply, pasting on a smile.
Dad turns to Mom. “She says she’s getting together with some friends tonight.”
“Oh, honey, which friends are you talking about? Do I know them?”
I remember Pawpaw, my mom’s dad, telling me my eyes would get stuck if I kept rolling them so much.
Considering I’ve rolled them as much as I have, it’s a miracle they haven’t gotten stuck. I try very hard not to roll them again right now.
“Of course y’all know them. It’s just gonna be me, Ava, Sally, Mollie Luck, and Wheeler Rankin. You know, the gal who owns Bellamy Brooks with Mollie.”
Mom and Dad stare at me for a full beat.
“What?” I roll my thumb over my phone screen in a failed effort to keep my face from flushing. “You can call them and check if you’d like.”
Mom sets down the plate on my desk and claps her hands. “I love this for you, Billie. It’s one of my biggest regrets that we couldn’t give you a sister.”
“Had to call it quits at some point.” Dad runs a hand over his face. “Man’s gotta retire, and that wasn’t ever gonna happen if we kept having babies.”
Mom tucks my hair behind my ear. “Y’all go have fun. Holler if you need me to pick you up, all right? No drinking and driving.”
I glance at my phone. “Actually, Wheeler is pregnant, so she just offered to be our designated driver.”
“Excellent.” Dad nods. “Good for you, Billie.”
I’m smiling for the first time all week, and it feels good.
Dad notices. “That right there is what I like to see. I know you’ve been in a funk this week. Whatever y’all are doing, I hope you have fun. You deserve to blow off a little steam.”
I close my eyes and try to breathe through my nose. Sometimes, I think my parents don’t really understand me. But other times, they seem to understand me better than I understand myself.
At the very least, they love me unconditionally, and they always look out for me. And that’s why I’m terrified of letting them down.
“Thanks, Dad.”
“You sure you don’t wanna talk about it?” He ducks his head, brow furrowed.
I swallow hard. “I’m fine, really. Or I’ll be fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“I love you, sweetie.”
“Love you too.”
Forty-seven years later, the day ends, thank the Lord. It was a long day in a long-ass week, and I am running on fumes.
I could flop on my couch and rot there for the rest of the night, easy. But as tired as I am, I’m more frustrated. If Xander is offering, I’m going to take him up on it.
So I force some pep into my step and head for my car after I leave the office.
Only I’m intercepted two minutes later by Colt, who’s heading to Mom and Dad’s house to pick up Dean.
I can smell the earthy scent of tobacco that rises off him.
He said he’s cutting back on the cigars, but today must’ve been an exception.
“Heading out to the Rattler tonight, I hear.” He puts his hands on his hips. My stomach clenches with envy when I see how deeply tanned his face and hands are from a day spent outside.
You lucky bastard.
“Yup. Meeting some friends.”
“The girls from Lucky River Ranch, right?”
Seriously, how many times am I going to roll my eyes today? “Can y’all mind your own damn business for a single second of your lives?”
He smiles. “I’m glad you’re hangin’ with those gals. Should be a good time—wish I could make it, but Dean’s got a sleepover at our house.”
Wrong that I feel relieved Colt will be at home tonight?
He hasn’t mentioned Ryder at all over the past week, which makes me think Ryder didn’t tell my brother about what went down between us.
Not like there’s anything particularly juicy to tell.
But for a hot minute there, I was worried Ryder might tell Colt that I confessed to having feelings for him.
Colt would likely rip me a new one if he knew. What the hell is wrong with you? Out of all the dudes on this planet, you gotta fall for the guy who’s never put his head on the same pillow twice? He’s only gonna hurt you.
My brother wouldn’t be wrong. Ryder takes girls home, but as far as I know, he’s never dated anyone. Who am I to think he’d break his rules for me?
I think we’re also all walking on eggshells around Colt when it comes to things like loyalty and honesty. His wife, God rest her soul, was unfaithful, and that betrayal cut Colt deep. I’d hate for him to think that I betrayed him too.
I was just trying not to betray myself, so I told a really great guy how I felt about him.
“You’ll be missed,” I say.
“Nah, you won’t miss me. But thanks for saying that anyway. Be safe.” He pecks me on the cheek, and my stomach clenches for an entirely different reason. “And be good.”
See? My family can be great when they wanna be. Seriously, what’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to remember that fact when I’m at work or when I’m around Ryder Rivers?
“You know I’m not gonna be good,” I reply, my throat tightening up again.
Colt laughs. “Yeah, I know that, Billie. Can’t hurt to say it, though. We’ve all noticed how you’re feeling blue. Hope this gets you back to bein’ your old self again. I miss you.”
“Aw. That’s actually very kind of you to say.”
“You surprised I’m kind? ’Cause that ain’t very kind at all.”
My turn to laugh. “Just…Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you. And other times, I wonder what crime I committed in a past life to deserve you and your pain-in-the-assness.”
“Guilty. Since I am such a pain in the ass, can I ask what’s been goin’ on with you?” He squints against the ardent late afternoon sun. “Mom and Dad are worried.”
Now I really feel like an asshole.
“I won’t say anything to them,” Colt continues. “But I’m worried too.”
I choose my words carefully. “The bookkeeping—I’m not sure I’m cut out for it.”
“You tell them that?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You know why.”
Colt sighs and runs a hand down his face. He looks so much like Dad when he does it that my pulse skips a beat.
“I can tell you aren’t cut out for it either,” he finally replies.
That makes my pulse skip another beat. “Thank you. Hearing that makes me feel like I’m not losing my mind or just, you know, being lazy.”
“You’re not lazy. But you gotta advocate for yourself, Billie. If your vision for the future doesn’t align with Mom and Dad’s, speak up now before it’s too late.”
I scoff. “How the hell do I tell them?”
“You have a plan, that’s how. Don’t just go in there and quit. Come up with something else you could be doing for the ranch—a concrete idea they can’t say no to.”
Looking away, I wonder how the hell I’m going to make it to seven o’clock, when I’m supposed to meet all the girls (save Ava) downtown. I’m tired.
I wonder how the hell I’m going to survive my twenties. Why does no one tell you how hard this shit is?
“That’s just it. I have no clue what else I’d do. All the positions I can think of are filled.”
“That’s on you to figure out. You’re a big girl now.” His eyes meet mine, and his expression softens. “I believe in you, Billie. We all do. You were so ballsy out there in the arena, so be ballsy everywhere else too. Except the Rattler. Please don’t be ballsy there.”
“That’s a lot of balls for one sentence.”
He chuckles. “Part and parcel of being a Wallace.”
“Bad joke.”
“Why you laughin’, then?”
I reach out and give him a shove. “I’ll think on it.”
“You should. And if you need help, just holler, all right?”
“I will.”