17. Crystal
17
CRYSTAL
“Aidan James Cane!” I yell at my son. He’s just turned five, and he’s a handful and a half.
He stops, his cute little face — just like his daddy’s — looks up at me with the same green eyes. Yes, they’re full of mischief, but also totally adorable. I’m a sucker for both the men in my life.
“Did you do this?” I point down at the cat, who now has pink marker pen all over her white coat. He shakes his little head. “No? Who did then?”
He blinks a couple of times, and I can’t wait to hear the excuse. He’s a mastermind, I swear to God.
“Not me.” Ade continues to shake his head.
“No? I don’t see anyone else here except you. Aidan, what have I told you?”
He looks down at his toes, then back up to me. “Not to draw on Milo?”
“That’s right. Markers, paint and crayons are for your coloring book, not for the cat, the walls or anywhere else, young man.”
My God. Ryder will think it’s funny when he sees the cat running around with a Mohawk-like stripe down her back, but I don’t see the humor. Poor Milo. She loves Aidan, but she’s also used to getting out of the way whenever he has a weapon of mass destruction in his hands: like markers.
“Sorry, Mommy.” He reaches for me, and I know I shouldn’t pick him up when I’m telling him off, but he’s just so stinking cute. His bottom lip wobbles and I’m a goner.
Aidan has been known to ruin more than just our cat. When Audrina — Huster’s ol’ lady from the MC — was babysitting him not so long ago, he ruined her vintage Valentino blouse. It cost more than my first car. Ryder said it wasn’t Aidan’s fault people spend so much money on clothes, especially inappropriate ones — like white blouses — while babysitting kids. Still, it’s no excuse. I was so embarrassed.
He’s also swallowed one of Luna’s earrings— she’s Tag’s ol’ lady. Not that she wanted it back once it was down the hatch, but the hospital assured us it was small enough to pass without any difficulties. This child, I swear to God, is a terror. He’s a lot like me, not that I’d admit that out loud, and gets away with murder. I can’t even blame Ryder because he was a Boy Scout compared to this little demon. But he’s my demon.
My mom says it’s payback for the hell I gave them, and I’m only now starting to understand exactly what that means. You really don’t know until you have your own kids.
My parents have been onboard with me and Ryder from the time we told them we were officially in a relationship. I’m glad. Having rival families growing up may have stunted the past, but it won’t shape the future. The future is whatever we choose to make it, and I stand by that motto.
I fold Aiden into my arms and cuddle him. He looks so sad. “No more painting the cat. She doesn't like it, and we don’t want to make her unhappy, do we?”
Ade shakes his head. “No, Mommy.” And and I am
I kiss his forehead and set him back down. “Go wash up and then we’ll find Milo and give her a bath.”
He runs off to the bathroom. He has a little step he uses, and is quite the independent little man.
A few moments later, I hear Ryder at the front door. I’m quite the tradwife these days, not that I set out to be, and Ryder pulls his weight. Though, he works so hard at the mechanics and pulls all-night shifts doing security when the club calls on him. The least I can do is keep our house as tidy as I can — impossible with a five-year old — and have some kind of dinner on the table. I like making our home a haven. I started around the time I was pregnant with Aiden; nesting, apparently. I just never stopped.
As soon as I see Ryder’s expression, however, I know something is wrong. His face looks drawn and pale, his eyes cast downward. There’s a sag to his body and his shoulders are slumped as he drops his keys on the kitchen counter.
“Ryd?” I say, alarmed. “What’s wrong?” My heart beats a fraction of a second too fast and I stare at him.
“It’s my mom.”
My eyes widen. “Is she… is she okay?”
He shakes his head. “She… she died.”
I put a hand over my heart. “What? Oh, my God.” He swallows hard as I move toward him, folding myself into his arms. “Are you okay?”
He nods. “I’m fine.”
“How did you?—”
“Stu.”
“Oh.”
He hasn’t seen his stepbrother since the day we left Greenlark. His stepfather died a few years back, his drinking and drug taking finally got the better of him.
“Yeah.”
I cup one side of his face. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. She wasn’t any kind of mom. Sometimes I wonder how things would’ve turned out if my dad had taken me with him.” This has always been a sore spot for Ryder. He never heard from his dad again, and we’ve no idea where he went. Ryder even had Star, Nevada’s ol’ lady, look into it because she’s a P.I. But the trail went cold after he moved to San Diego. Ryder didn’t want her to keep digging; there was no point. The man didn’t want to be found, and who knows, maybe his past had caught up with him in the end.
“He was no better than she was,” I remind him. “He ran away like a coward and left you, your mom and brother to deal with things without any help. Don’t think like that.” He’s a piece of shit. “What did Stu have to say?”
“He sounded… I don’t know, different.”
I pull away to look up at him. “Different how?”
“Sorry.”
I blink. “He was sorry? I thought he hated your mom?”
“He hated me, and the world. He was a confused teenager whose dad beat him, just like he did me. He needed someone to take his anger out on, and I was the bullseye.”
“Still, it doesn't make him a nice person.”
“He wants to catch up.”
I balk. “You’re kidding?”
He shakes his head. “There’s a will.” Ryder clears his throat. “Apparently my mom came into some money a few months ago. A great aunt, who I never met, left her a bunch of cash in her will, and now, apparently, it’s all mine.”
“So that’s why he wants to catch up?”
“To be honest, I don’t think he even knows. He hasn’t seen her in a couple of years.”
I narrow my eyes. “I don’t trust him. He always looked at me weird when we were kids.”
“Yeah, I remember. He was a teenager, he hated girls in general, but especially you because he knew we were close.”
“I don’t want him around Aidan,” I say. “He’s not trustworthy.”
He kisses the top of my head. “He won’t be anywhere near either of you. I don’t know if I even want to see him, but then there’s the funeral.”
“Do you know any of the details?”
“Nope. But nobody is gonna arrange it if I don’t take charge. It should just be something small — she didn’t have a lot of friends.”
“That’s kind of you, considering.”
“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
I smile. This is why I love this man so fucking much.
We may have had our ups and downs over the years, and even lately, things have been strained between us because I’m desperate for another baby. Ryder thinks things are fine as they are; he doesn’t like change, and while he’d welcome another baby, he saw what I went through with Aidan and doesn’t want me to suffer. He also spends so much time working, even when we don’t need the money, because he has this fear of going broke. He wouldn’t ever borrow money off my parents to get our first home, even when they offered it. He’s very proud, and because of that, we’ve become strained and often too exhausted to even talk to one another. All couples go through this, I’m sure. But I remember a time when he couldn’t keep his hands off me. When we played sexy dares and he loved it. The amount of places we’ve fucked out in the open, discreetly of course, makes my toes tingle. But Ryder is a responsible dad now, and I’m a supposedly responsible mom. Still, you can take the girl out of the countryside, but not out of the wild.
“What do you want to do?” I ask softly. “I can help.”
“I think we just get a copy of the will and then go from there. I’ve no idea what she wanted in terms of a burial or cremation.” He runs both hands through his short hair. “All of this is just so surreal.”
“I know, it’s awful. I know you weren’t close, but you’re still allowed to feel how you feel.”
“That’s just it. I don’t feel anything,” he says. “I thought I would, but I don’t.”
Aidan chooses that time to come running in from the bathroom, our pink striped cat in tow. “Daddy! Daddy!” He claps his hands as he runs, almost tripping over his own feet.
Ryder’s smile lights up the room as I watch the two of them together. He scoops Aidan up into his arms, kissing his adorable little cheeks as he tickles him. “How’s my big boy today, huh?”
“Good!” He wraps his arms around Ryder’s neck and hugs him like he didn’t see him just a few hours ago. Ryder glances down at the cat. “Holy cr— What happened to Milo?”
I eye Aidan, then roll my eyes. “Take one guess.”
“Bud, did you paint the cat again?”
“I was sorry, Daddy.” Aidan pouts, his little face looking so sad as Ryder runs a thumb over his cheek, catching a tear.
“No need to cry, big boy, but Mommy probably already told you about not doin’ that, yeah?”
He nods. “I’ll make her sad.”
“Yes, you will, but not if we get her all cleaned up.” He kisses his head again and sets him down on the floor.
“We will get her all cleaned up,” Aidan sings, running after Milo who takes off in the other direction.
I shake my head. “I know who he gets that rebellious streak from.”
“You?” He pops a brow.
“I’m not saying that it’s all your fault, but he does get his adorable dimples from you.”
“You butterin’ me up, wife ?”
“No, husband . But you need a night off. We can work out all the details tomorrow.”
“I really think I need to get onto it now,” he says. Of course, Ryder loves me to bits, but once he sets his mind to something, he’s going to do what he wants to do. “Funerals take ages to organize, and I’ve only got until next weekend.”
“What about your other family?” I ask. “Cousins, aunts, uncles?” I know he has a few.
“Like I said, it’ll be somethin’ small. Mom wasn’t exactly popular around Greenlark.”
I still feel sad for him, even if he’s acting as if he doesn’t care. His mom never made any attempt to reach out, even when we did, after having Aidan. It’s like she just washed her hands of any responsibility long before we ever had a kid. I truly thought she’d want to meet her grandson, not that I’d trust her around him alone, but I’d never denied her the right to see him. I guess some people are just rotten to the core. How Ryder turned out so differently to the rest of his family, I’ll never know, but he did.
He’s a wonderful father, and a great husband. We’re working through our issues, and I know we’ll get on track.
Later that night, I’m soaking in the tub after Aidan is fast asleep. Ryder comes in, sits on the closed toilet lid and stares at me.
I look up from my Kindle. “Ryd? Are you okay?”
“Have I been a bad husband?”
I frown. “What? No.”
“But we’ve been… distant for a few months now.”
I set my Kindle aside. “We’ve been busy, tired, stressed, and we have a five-year-old who’s started kindergarten this year. There’s a lot going on.”
“You know what I mean.” He swallows hard, interconnecting his fingers as he looks down at them. “I don’t want to end up like… like…”
“Like your parents?” I frown. “Ryder, we’ll never end up like that.”
“No?” He’s agitated, and I know how to calm him down when he gets anxious. “W-what about that asshole f-father of mine and what he did? Ran away like a fuckin’ c-coward. No wonder my mom ended up like she did.”
I’m gentle with my tone when I say, “Babe, you’re feeling all these emotions because of your mom.” We found out her liver gave up after years of abuse. She went downhill fast, but Ryder had no idea she was even sick. “Would it have made a difference if you knew she was sick?”
He looks at me, his eyes etched with pain and I wish I could take it all away. “I tried to reach out, even when it should’ve been her reachin’ out to me. I sent her money when she was down and out, even though I knew she’d probably blow it on drugs. Now I’ve got Stu askin’ to come visit.”
I still don’t think that’s a good idea, but if Stu has something to say, then I guess he can say it. “I’ve been thinking about that, and I think it’s best if we go to the funeral together. We’ll leave Ade with Audrina and Hustler, or Jas or Indi, and we’ll face this head on.”
Then again, Audrina is about to blow with their first child together, so scratch that idea.
He blinks. “You’d do that? You hated my mom.”
“Yes, but I love you. I’ll do anything for you. You have my full support in whatever you want to do, and who you want to see,” I say. “If you don’t want to see Stu, then that’s perfectly fine. I think he’s sniffing around for money.”
Ryder scrubs a hand over his face. “It was almost seventy grand,” he says. “That Aunt Dorothy left.”
“Holy crap.”
His face is solemn, and it kills me to see that frown. Ryder is such a good man, always wanting to do the right thing and taking care of everyone else. “Right? Maybe I should be thankful Mom didn’t blow it all. It feels dirty, ya know?”
“I don’t see why. It was Dorothy’s money, not really your mom’s.” I shrug. “But if you feel weird about it, you could always put it in a trust fund for Aiden’s college education, at least that way the money will do some good?”
“You’re right,” he sighs.
I smile softly. “Babe, I know this is a lot, but you know you can lean on me. Let me help you with the funeral, it’s a lot to fathom on your own, and I know you still want to bury your mom even if she didn’t deserve to have a son like you.”
“Really? A son like me?”
“Yes. A son like you. You’re an amazing husband and father. If she couldn’t stand you being happy and making something of your life despite her neglect, then that’s on her.”
My baby. A grown man, yet deep down he’s still that little boy who just wanted his mom to love him. It fills me with pain to think about what he suffered at the hands of that bastard stepfather, and his mom did nothing to stop it. She was just as bad. It doesn’t matter what circumstances you’re in; you get out. If you know your child is being hurt, that’s a whole different ball game. When I think about our son and someone hurting, I want to commit bloody murder.
We never did talk about it, but the day our son was christened was the day I learned Jimmy was dead. I never asked any questions, but I noticed a change in Ryder right away. He no longer looked like he had demons haunting him. The late nights he’d spent for years tracking his whereabouts, taking impromptu trips out of town, practically tore us apart. I knew he wanted revenge. I knew it haunted him as much as it did me, but for a while there, it wasn’t healthy. I tried not to live in fear, I had Ryder and the club to protect me, but there was always that notion that one day I’d drop my guard and he’d appear. Even though he never did, it’s as if Ryder didn’t think he’d done a good enough job while Jimmy was still breathing. Slowly, we moved on with our lives. I went to therapy and had rehabilitation because my wrist never healed fully; I still have trouble grabbing things with my right arm. The metal plate I had inserted kept everything working, but it still hurts from time to time.
“Sometimes it’s just hard to forget,” he says. I want to hold him in my arms. Tell him it’s okay. Breathe. I rise from the bath and grab a towel, wrapping it around myself.
“It’s okay to mourn your mom,” I whisper, crouching down. “Even if you hated her.”
“What if I’m happy she’s dead?” He doesn’t really mean that. There’s not a hateful bone in this man’s body.
“Well, that’s an emotion you’re allowed.”
“Why didn’t she tell me she was sick?”
Because she’s a selfish bitch? That might have something to do with it. “She was set in her ways, I guess. Who knows what was going through her head. This isn’t your fault.”
His eyes tip to meet mine. “Tell me we’ll never be like them.”
I frown. “Like who?”
“My parents. My mom and dad fought like cats and dogs before he left. Mom would give him the silent treatment for days. She was a narcissist, and I understand why he left sometimes because she was a nightmare,” he says. “That doesn’t excuse him rippin’ people off and takin’ their hard-earned cash, but she didn’t make his life easy.”
“That isn’t your burden,” I assure him. “That was between your mom and your dad. Not you. You were a child.”
He swallows hard. “I know. I guess it all just came floodin’ back.”
“You know what matters?” I go on, thumping over my chest with my fist. “That you show up for us, your family, the ones who love you. Every single day, you’re out working hard so our son can have a better life, and I love you for that.”
Tears well in my man’s eyes. He’s a tough man, the toughest person I know, but with me he’s always been able to just be himself. And I pride myself in being the only one to see that side of him.
“I love you, too. I’m scared sometimes you’ll find someone better than me and leave.”
I’ve been hearing this as well for a long time. No matter how much I show him and tell him he’s loved, his fears weigh heavily on him. Fear that someone could take something away, or I’d leave, which I never would. He’s the man of my dreams, we’ve just lost our way a little bit.
“You know that isn’t true. We always said we could be honest with one another, and that’s what marriage is. Ups and downs.”
A small smile tugs at his lips. “How did you get so tough?”
I match his smile. “I live with a man with a huge heart who has shown me the way to transformation so many times when I was down in my life. He’s the most loyal, precious and beautiful person I’ve ever known. That’s how.”
“You just tryin’ to get lucky?” He smirks.
“Nope.” I stand, letting my towel to the floor. “Just hoping.”