Chapter 17- Ladies in Waiting
Tiffany
Looking down into the bottom of her empty glass, Tiffany thought seriously about ordering another Cosmo. Some nights called for liquid courage, but this wasn't one of them. Tonight needed clarity—the kind that came from keeping your head while everyone else was losing theirs.
Nope, one was her absolute limit for the evening. She could drink more if she wanted to, and most of the women hanging around the clubhouse this evening were three sheets to the wind. That’s what made it all the more important keep herself together, she reminded herself. Stay sober and be ready for whatever happens when Ryder and the rest of the men get back. That little voice in the back of her head was right on the money, and this time she was taking her own good advice.
Turning around on the bar stool, she leaned back on her elbows and scanned the room. Rose had dressed little Sammy like a bumble bee. They were both wearing a yellow and black onesie and matching wings. The little girl giggled as Rose pretended to fly her through the air, making a buzzing noise. It left Tiffany wondering if the baby even knew what a bee was. Tiffany seriously doubted it.
Several of the old ladies were sitting around, and there were some children playing video games and horsing around. Lily was handing out fresh-baked cookies on a plate. Sure, there were whores, but they were all dressed nicely and behaving themselves. Needless to say, Precious and her out-of-control friend had not made the cut.
Alyssa was sitting at the end of the bar, drawing on a large piece of paper. She appeared totally oblivious to her surroundings. Shifting down a barstool, Tiffany sat beside the pretty blonde and craned her neck to look at the drawing. It was another fanciful creation for the children to color. It had a fairy, butterflies, and delicate, intricate flowers.
“Wow, this one’s really nice. You’ve got talent.”
Lifting the pen from the paper, Alyssa peered up at her. “Useless talent that only makes me popular with kids under ten years old.”
Tiffany frowned and shook her head. “I think your drawings are amazing. Kids aren’t the only ones coloring these days you know,”
she pointed out. “I used to buy adult coloring books. The images are more elaborate and complex, kind of like the ones you draw. Grown-ups color for relaxation, too, but using artist-grade pastels and pens.”
A surprised grin spread across her face, and Alyssa perked up. “I’ve never heard of such a thing before. Maybe I’m not as childish as I thought.”
“Not at all,”
Tiffany said emphatically. “I’ll bet you could sell your creations. They’re more interesting than most I’ve seen.”
“You’re joking, right?”
“No, not at all. I’ve been meaning to shop for a new one. Want to come with?”
“I’d love to,”
Alyssa said eagerly.
Lily dropped onto the empty stool beside Tiffany and leaned over to have a look at the drawing. “Where do you get paper that large?”
“It’s from a sketch pad. I just tear off a page whenever I’m in the mood to draw.”
Lily smiled at her. “That’s a cute drawing. The kids are gonna be fighting over that one.”
Tiffany shifted anxiously in her seat. “Do you think the guys are okay?”
Shoving a clump of hair back over her shoulder, Lily sat up a little straighter. “I worry every single time Ven is out on a job. It’s difficult not to worry about his safety. Early on, I just convinced myself that the best way to get through was to imagine him walking through the door, safe and sound. It almost always goes down like that, so I’m rarely disappointed.”
Alyssa laid down her pen and swiveled around to face them. “They’re going to face off with another club for Darkness and his little one. No matter what happens, I have to believe little Sammy is worth fighting for.”
“Jesus, she’s definitely worth it,”
Tiffany said. “I have to say that when they all go out together like today, I fell they are a bit safer because of the numbers.”
She looked from one woman to the other. “They’re safer when they go out in force, right?”
Lily sighed and motioned to the prospect behind the bar to bring her special drink. “Not really. They only ever go out in force when the danger is extremely high. That’s how we lost our last club president.”
Curiosity got the better of Tiffany. “Are you allowed to tell us about it?”
Glancing nervously around, Lily lowered her voice. “I don’t know all the details, but one of our girls got snatched by a gang from out of state. I think they wanted a ransom. She was Darkness’ sister. His father was our club president, and he went ballistic. They rode out one night, and no one had a good read on where they were going. The next morning, most of them came back at the crack of dawn, but we lost a third of our crew, including Darkness’ father.”
“Did they save the girl?”
Tiffany was riveted by the tale of a woman being taken and saved by this rough crew of bikers. Some rescues left deeper scars than captivity. She knew that truth firsthand. Sometimes, surviving was just the beginning of the real battle.
Nodding, Lily murmured, “When they found her, she wasn’t in good shape. They had to send her off to some treatment center for trauma survivors. I didn’t see her, but Ven said she’d mentally checked out.”
Tiffany was all kinds of aware of how that could happen to a woman. When Stuart began his little games, her brain would just kind of click. She was aware of what he was doing but having mentally removed herself, it felt much like watching it happen to another person. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel the pain; it was that in her self-induced altered state, she simply didn’t care.”
Lily’s quiet voice pulled Tiffany from her internal musings. “It’s a shame, ‘cause she was a real nice girl.”
Alyssa chimed in. “It was before my time, but I heard the brothers voted Darkness in within a few days of returning.”
“Yes,”
Lily said. “That’s how I remember it. Ven had trouble sleeping for a long time after that. Though he’d never say, I heard no one from the rival club survived. I think it’s why all the other bikers and petty criminals in the area steer clear of us.”
Tiffany gasped. “I honestly can’t even get my head around a story like that.”
“Umm, it’s not a story. It’s club history.”
Lily’s voice was strained and a little offended.
Tiffany immediately apologized. “I didn’t mean to insinuate it wasn’t. It’s just a lot to take in all at once. Does stuff like that happen a lot?”
“Thank God, no. Since Darkness took the gavel, the club’s been straying into more legitimate business ventures. I think they were all so traumatized by the horror of that day, they chose to take the club in a totally different direction.”
Alyssa nodded her agreement. “The brothers prefer real business ventures nowadays. The garage has always been here, but now they have an auto parts store, a hair salon, and a junkyard.”
“Things have really calmed down in the last few years. The townsfolk leave us alone, and we don’t cause trouble for them. They’re slowly coming around to see us as just regular folk.”
Alyssa eyed the older woman with interest. “Lily’s got her own story to tell. It’s a good one.”
Lily glanced around again, taking in where the few prospects were before speaking. “Every single person associated with this club has their own story, and some of them are really fascinating. My story is more Ven’s story. I was just along for the ride.”
Tiffany smiled encouragingly. “I’d love to hear it sometime.”
Alyssa quipped, “I know it by heart. It’s one of my favorites because it’s filled with love, romance, and Ven fighting against all odds to save his beautiful wife.”
Lily’s hands flew to her cheeks, which were turning bright red. “It’s not like that!”
Alyssa nodded at Tiffany with a knowing smile.
“Now I’m all kinds of curious.”
Flying to her feet, Lily glanced at Rose and the baby. “It’s a story for another time. I should go put Sammy down to sleep. It’s getting late.”
“It’s nice when the whole place is filled with people. Thanks for talking to us this evening, Lily,”
Tiffany said.
Looking embarrassed, the older woman ducked her head. “You’re welcome, Tiffany. Don’t you worry about Ryder. Ven won’t let anything happen to his only son.”
Trotting off in Rose’s direction, Lily called out that it was bedtime for the little ones. All the kids stopped in their tracks, clearly trying to decide if they were included in that group. Their confused little faces were all kinds of cute.
Tiffany turned to Alyssa. “Why do I think we’d need to get a few more drinks in her to get that story out of her?”
Laughing, Alyssa shot the older woman across the room a warm smile. “Don’t bother. All she ever drinks is lemon lime soda with cherry flavoring in it. The one you want to ply with alcohol is Ven. He loves telling the story of how they met.”
Warming up to the idea, Tiffany murmured, “I never would have guessed that.”
“Much like his son, he’s nursing a hero complex a mile wide. What’s better than being the hero of your very own story and saving a damsel in distress?”
Raising one brow, Tiffany replied. “Being the princess who can shoot her way out of trouble on her own?”
Laughing, Alyssa asked, “You’re joking, right?”
“Hell no, I’m not. As a matter of fact, I’m starting to think that maybe women in general, and me in particular, have been wasting our lives waiting for a hero we wouldn’t even need if we’d just put on our big girl panties and take care of our own business.”
“Wow! Where did all that come from? Have you been drinking those shooters again?”
Shaking her head, Tiffany tossed the clueless woman a stern look. “No, I haven’t had but one drink. I’m just getting tired of being pushed around and told what to do all the damn time. For most of my adult life, I’ve felt like my back was against the wall and I only had one viable option. I’m beginning to think it’s all bullshit.”
“Let’s back up to the beginning of the conversation. Were you serious about shooting your way out of a bad situation?”
Not totally sure of anything except that she was sick and tired of Stuart calling all the shots, she nodded. “Sure, why not?”
“You can shoot a gun?”
“Well, one hopes they never have to shoot at an actual person, but I’ve logged in about a hundred hours on the firing range.”
“You own a handgun?”
Frowning, Tiffany wasn’t sure where this conversation was going. “I had an ex-boyfriend who was a cop. Since I have an abusive ex-husband, he insisted on teaching me some basic self-defense and shooting. He bought me a weapon and back-up weapon. At the time, I thought he was being overzealous, but now I’m starting to see things differently.”
Making a sound of amazement, Alyssa seemed slightly awed by that tidbit of information. “I can’t believe you ever let him go.”
“He was a real nice guy, but he wasn’t my one.”
“I wish I knew how to shoot,”
she said dejectedly.
“Any guy here can probably teach you,”
Tiffany told her, sure all she’d have to do is ask.
Leaning on the bar, Alyssa chewed her bottom lip as she thought over the offer. “I don’t know if I can make myself do something like that. I’ve always been against guns in general. Now that learning is a real option, I’m second-guessing why I thought it was such a great idea.”
“Maybe you could come with me once and just watch,”
Tiffany suggested. “If it’s not something that really interests you, you don’t have to go back.”
Perking up, excitement jumped onto her new friend’s face. “I think I’d like that. I’m really glad Ryder found you. He was one of the sweetest of the bunch. I always felt so relieved when he chose me.”
Tiffany jolted in her seat. “You’ve had sex with Ryder?”
Why did that even surprise her? Feeling like an immediate idiot for even asking, she wasn’t all that surprised by Alyssa’s rather earnest reply.
“Well, most women here have. We’re whores, after all.”
“I don’t really approve of that word.”
Then again, Tiffany didn’t approve of every woman in the room having been intimate with the man she loved either.
Shrugging, Alyssa replied with a touch of pain in her voice. “It’s a lot better than what some of the guys call us.”
Alyssa searched her face for something. “You’re upset to hear I’ve been with Ryder, aren’t you?”
The question hung between them like smoke—thick, toxic, impossible to wave away. There were times when truths changed everything, not because they were surprising, but because finally acknowledging them made denial impossible.
Looking down at her folded hands, Tiffany tried to work out her own feelings on the matter. Avoiding Alyssa’s eyes, she grabbed Lily’s nonalcoholic drink. Taking a sip, she had to admit it was good. Silence hung in the air as Alyssa waited for her to sound off about her unexpected disclosure.
Suddenly, Tiffany’s mind filled with a half dozen unwanted questions. Had Ryder slept with the really belligerent whore she met the day Ace got shot? How about the one that kept throwing herself at Ven that same day? Was it socially acceptable in this alternate reality the brothers inhabited to sleep with the same whore your father had enjoyed? Did the brothers share whores, like in porno flicks? Had Ryder really slept with all of them over the years? How many more absolute skanks had he slept with on the road? Did he even use protection? Would he even have been sober enough to remember to practice safe sex?
The more she thought about it, the queasier she felt. It was overwhelming and simply too much on top of everything else going on at the moment.
Finally, she spat out hoarsely, “If I do have a problem, it’s mine and not yours. I’m going to get one of the prospects to take me home. I don’t feel very well.”
Alyssa’s voice turned sad as if she’d just lost her best friend. “Darkness said we’re all to stay here.”
Well, Tiffany was anything but sad. “Fuck Darkness, Ryder, and this whole place.”
Yep, she was downright angry. It didn’t make sense to be angry at Alyssa or at Ryder, though. Neither of them was responsible for what went on before Ryder had ever met her, yet the undisputable fact was, Tiffany was mad as hell at the moment.
Grabbing her purse, she headed for the door. Peb stepped in front of her, right before she made it across the threshold. “We’re on lockdown. You’re new so you might not understand exactly what that means. By order of the club president, everyone stays put, and we don’t let anyone else in.”
Lying through her pearly white teeth, Tiffany groaned, “Ryder said if I started feeling sick, one of you could drive me home. My SUV is outside.”
Uncertainty stamped on every square inch of his face, Peb stated, “I’ll have to text him and make sure.”
“What am I, like five? Move out of my way. I’m not a prisoner. You know that, right?”
Jerking back as if he’d been slapped, Peb stated cautiously, “I never said you were. Look, just let me check and make sure it’s okay. I can’t abandon my post without permission, and I can’t let an old lady leave unprotected, especially during a lockdown.”
Backing up a scant inch, she nodded. “Fine. Make it quick. I feel like I’m going to throw up.”
Heading for the bar, Peb pulled out his cell phone. The moment his back was turned, Tiffany bolted out the door. There was no way in hell Ryder would approve of her leaving the security of the clubhouse, not with Stuart or his cronies lurking around. The problem was, she couldn’t stand to be in the clubhouse one minute more. Her mind was screaming run, flee, get away, and think this thing through.
Sprinting to her SUV, she unlocked it and climbed behind the wheel. Feeling herself panic, Tiffany started the motor and headed for the back gate, which she suspected was the weak link in the chain. Sure enough, the new prospect allowed her through when she gave him the sob story about being sick. It felt shitty lying to the poor man, and she worried his bad decision would impede his quest to get patched, but she needed out more than she needed her next breath.
Driving to Ryder’s place, she tried to work out why she was so hot to get the hell out of the clubhouse. It definitely wasn’t because Ryder had slept with Alyssa. If she’d had her head screwed on straight, she’d have realized that by how casual and overly friendly they were with each other. She could see clear as day that they were former lovers that it made her wonder how she’d ever missed that simple fact. It explained a lot about how Ryder interacted with all the women there. Feeling her blood chill in her veins, she realized how much that actually bothered her.
This whole evening had been a total mindfuck. Learning that Ryder had gone out with a bunch of his club brothers to brawl with another club seemed reckless and unnecessary. Learning that this was not the first time they’d gone toe to toe with a rival club shouldn’t have come as the shock that it did. Maybe it was hearing they were capable of killing multiple people in a gigantic throw down that soured her mood. The killing was kind of a deal breaker for her, especially killing regularly and in numbers. How had she ever thought this was okay? She’d stupidly thought that the disagreement between Ryder and Ace had been some kind of one-off thing. It was becoming increasingly clear it was a lifestyle choice for these men.
All that was tough enough to swallow, but coming to the realization that he’d slept with all the women that she was now expected to be friends with was beyond the pale. Even though Darkness had purged out the women prone to stay drunk, as well as the more mouthy and abrasive ones, that still left a small number of Ryder’s former lovers for her to deal with on a regular basis.
Her phone rang shrilly, making her jump. She recognized the ringtone as the one Ryder selected for her. Taking a deep breath, she picked up her cell phone. Just holding the phone and knowing he was on the line sent goose bumps skittering across her skin. Thinking it over, she knew that she allowed her life to spiral out of control for too long. Slowly lowering it back to the passenger seat, she let it roll to voicemail.
Having barely scratched the surface of her feelings on tonight’s revelations, Tiffany hadn’t organized her thoughts enough to have a meaningful conversation with Ryder about anything. The last thing she wanted was to continue to present as the hapless victim or the bitch ruthlessly judging his personal choices while ignoring her own clusterfuck of a life. Unwilling to continue meekly accepting crumbs of affection from the random men she collided with while on the run, Tiffany knew she desperately needed to figure out what she really wanted out of life. It was better to put off the conversation until she engaged in intelligent discourse.
Her phone rang again a few minutes later, but it wasn’t Ryder’s ringtone. Snatching her phone from the seat again, she saw that it was Lily. She didn’t have the heart not to talk to the woman who’d been so nice to her.
Trying to keep the angst out of her voice, she answered. “Hello, Lily. Sorry I broke the lockdown rules.”
“Alyssa told me why you left. I’m sorry things are the way they are at the club. It’s a lot for a woman to deal with.”
“I honestly don’t know how to walk around the clubhouse knowing he’s been with all the women there, except you.”
Lily laughed nervously. “I’m his mother, and I don’t appreciate that he has loose morals any more than you do. Come back and let’s talk about this. Please.”
“It’s not just that piece. I’ve been doing a lot of introspecting about my ex. I’m not sure how fair it is to drag your son or his club brothers into that situation.”
“They’re experts at handling stuff like that,”
Lily reasoned.
Tiffany sighed deeply. “I know, but they just finished dealing with this whole Darkness thing, and you said they’re trying to go straight. It doesn’t seem fair to keep dragging them back into the danger.”
“You sound like you’ve been wrestling with this on your own for a while. I wish that you had come to me.”
“You’ve been real nice to me. But I don’t want to burden everyone with my problems. I was already struggling, then hearing from Alysa that he’s slept with every woman at the clubhouse was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I should have thought this through a little better before I came here with your son.”
“You are preaching to the choir. Every old lady has to square herself with those very same issues.”
“How do you square yourself with all the violence and whoring?”
“I suppose that somewhere along the line, I learned to love the man but not what he does. I know that must make me seem simple in your eyes, but I have to trust that he’s doing the best he can in every situation, even if it means someone dies.”
“I know Ryder is a good man. I’m just having a hard time dealing with my life right now. I feel like I’ve been asleep at the wheel, and now I’ve suddenly woke.”
“He loves you. In fact, we all do. Please don’t ever forget that.”
“I love you all as well, especially Ryder. I just need some time to think things over.”
“Stay in touch,”
Lily pleaded.
“I’ll call you soon,”
Tiffany promised.
Hanging up before the woman could talk her into turning her vehicle around, Tiffany turned her phone off. A little voice in the back of her head mocked her for turning tail at the first bump in the proverbial road. Running was her default mechanism, and it was hard to do anything else when the chips were down.
Turning it all over in her head, she couldn’t seem to reconcile the sweet, protective person Ryder appeared to be with the monster out killing other human beings tonight. Then again, she didn’t really know if he’d killed anyone, so why was she judging him prematurely? The trouble was, with them being so tight-lipped about club business, she’d never be sure they weren’t out killing and maiming the innocent.
The moment the thought popped into her head, she chastised herself for thinking Ryder could possibly be a soulless killer. More than likely, he was just an ethical person with no compunction about crossing the line if a situation necessitated something extreme. That put him in the category of a soldier of sorts in her mind.
Deep in thought, she didn’t notice she was home until Ryder’s house came into view. Staring at the house, she realized something was off. Try as she might, Tiffany was unable to put her finger on exactly what it was.
Thinking she was still jumpy from rushing out of the club and worrying herself sick during the drive, she decided to just keep driving and thinking for a bit. Instead of stopping, she passed the house and headed for the interstate. Figuring that Ryder might try to find her, she pulled the battery from her cell phone and from the old-fashioned GPS device attached to her dashboard.
Random thoughts rattled around in her brain for the better part of the night. The gentle hum of the engine and the clicking as she shifted gears turned into a kind of background noise. The thing was, the more she thought about her situation, the more convinced she became that drawing Ryder into her dangerous life had been a bad idea. Even an outlaw didn’t deserve to have to deal with everyone else’s shit constantly.
Running was familiar—a dance she'd perfected over years of practice. But this time felt different. She wasn't just running from danger; she was running from possibility, from a version of herself she wasn't sure she deserved to become.
He lived the life of a vigilante, doling out punishments and taking lives as he saw fit, with no oversight or sanction by the powers that be. Though she trusted that he did so with care, it was hard to accept that at the same time he was an outlaw who played by his own set of rules. The man had blood on his hands, and there was no getting around that fact. That alone should have been enough to get her packing her stuff.
The icing on the cake was the loose morals inherent in the whole club scene. The women left standing after Darkness purged the worst of the worst were still whores as Alyssa so succinctly pointed out. Every single one of them was a woman happy to trade sex and companionship to bikers for room and board.
Though most of the brothers were single, there were a couple of married bikers who messed around with the whores behind their wives’ backs. It was something that everybody saw, and nobody spoke about. It rubbed her the wrong way that she was expected to keep their dirty little secrets. Then again, in what world was it okay to tell some lady you hardly knew that their husband was fucking whores behind their back? For all she knew, they were allowed to. One thing was for certain, it would kill her if Ryder cheated on her.
What had she been thinking hooking up with a biker?
Ven was the only man who consistently avoided whores like they were a plague. Maybe Ryder would take after his father in that regard, and then again maybe not. Hell, maybe Ven had just recently kicked his whore habit. In any event, Tiffany was no Lily, and Ryder had a strong history of playing the field. Something about Ryder fucking whores and then coming home to her, pretending everything was fine, made her chest hurt.
She’d already allowed herself to get sucked in and become way too close to the rough, slightly damaged man. Remembering how his arms felt around her and the way he joked with her when things got bumpy had her missing him like crazy. He was hot, sexy, and more thoughtful and giving than any man she’d ever known. Having sex with him felt like being reborn into a world where she actually mattered. Why the hell was everything in her life so complicated?
Shifting gears, she sped up. A dark thought popped into her head. Ryder didn’t know all her dirty little secrets. What would he think if he knew she’d been forced to eat her meals from a pretty pink, gemstone-encrusted dog bowl? Would he be so thrilled to have her in his bed if he knew all the truly perverted things Stuart had done to her over the years?
She imagined seeing the look Stuart always gave her on Ryder’s handsome face, and that was it. She knew she was never going back. Ryder deserved a nice woman, not some fucked-up object who’d trained herself to disassociate from her surroundings at will.
Pressing her foot down on the gas pedal, Tiffany watched through blurry eyes as the road ahead sped by and faded in the rearview mirror. She'd spent years running from Stuart's cruelty, but maybe the harder escape was from the shadows he'd left inside her. Love wasn't enough if you couldn't love yourself first. And right now, speeding into another anonymous night, she wasn't sure she remembered how.