Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Sawyer
“ D emi spoke with Henry. He wouldn’t rat Oli out, but he agreed to talk to him, so that’s at least something,” Kai continues explaining as we drink our beers from a booth in the sports bar. We have a great view of the game from here, but we’re both preoccupied and only half watching it. “So, we’re waiting to see if he can convince him to talk to us before taking things further.”
“Let me know if you need equipment, but hopefully it won’t come to that. I hope whatever it is isn’t too serious.”
“Same.” He rubs the middle of his brows. “I haven’t slept properly in weeks. We’re so worried about him.”
And to think Xavier and I are worrying about Cuan being too focused and driven. I’d take that any day over worrying if my kid was doing drugs and going off the rails. Maybe it’s a good thing our eldest is passionate about golf and big-time into his fitness and nutrition.
“I can only imagine. Let us know if we can do anything else to help.”
“Appreciate it, bud.” Kai’s lips pull into a tight line, and his shoulders are rigid with stress.
I can relate. I feel like I’m constantly drowning in stress amid the tension driving a wedge between me and my husband.
“Okay, your turn.” Anderson slants me a knowing look. “Spill it, dude.”
“I didn’t realize when I agreed to come out for a drink it was actually a mutual therapy session.”
“You know Xavier’s telling Abby everything, and you’ve kept that shit to yourselves for too long. We’re your friends, Hunt, and friends help one another. I’ve spewed my guts and you’re up next.”
“Who says I have anything to share?”
“The tension at dinner was excruciating, and you’re not fooling anyone. I’d have to be blind to not know something is going on. Just tell me what’s up.”
“We’re turning into pussies,” I grumble before knocking back the last of my beer.
Anderson elbows me in the ribs. “Man up, fucker. We’re in our forties with kids and careers. Adulting is fucking hard, but let’s not pretend we’re assholes who can’t talk about our emotions. And don’t knock pussy just ’cause you’re all about the D these days. Don’t forget pussy made your baby dreams come true.”
How could I forget when it’s all I’ve been thinking about for months. I signal the waitress and order two whiskeys. I need something stronger than beer if we’re having the conversation.
Air whooshes out of my mouth as I drum my fingers on the table. “I want another baby. Xavier doesn’t, and we’ve been fighting for months over it.”
“Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.”
We stop talking while the waitress places our drinks down, only resuming after she’s gone and we have privacy again.
“This is like some strange role reversal. I would’ve expected Xavier to be the one pushing to expand the family, not you. No offense meant,” Kai adds before draining the dregs of his beer.
“None taken. I agree with you, which is why when I first raised the subject I thought he’d be jumping all over the idea. Shocked the hell out of me when he said no, and he hasn’t changed his mind.”
“What are his reasons?”
“Our lives are too busy, and everything is perfect the way it is, so why rock the boat.”
“You don’t agree with that assessment?”
“No, I mean, yes. It’s not that it’s a lie, but we’re always busy. If we’d used that argument fourteen years ago, we wouldn’t have any kids now. I know life is hectic, but we can make it work. If our roles were reversed, he wouldn’t accept this as a plausible excuse. He’d find a way to make it happen, but when I want it, he’s all for digging his heels in and refusing to compromise. He’s driving me insane.”
“Can’t imagine the vacation was much fun.”
“Actually, the vacation was great. We’d agreed to pause hostilities while we were overseas, and we didn’t discuss the baby issue. We both relaxed and enjoyed ourselves.” I’m not divulging we were ravenous in the bedroom in a way we haven’t been in months because that’s too fucking private to share. “But the minute we returned home, all the strain reappeared, and it’s only highlighting the fractures in our relationship, and it’s terrifying me. I love his crazy, stubborn, intelligent ass. I don’t want to hurt our relationship or lose the person I love more than life, but he’s being inconsiderate and flippant with my needs, and that kills me.”
“That’s rough, man. I can’t imagine what we would’ve done if we weren’t on the same page. Abby and I were in agreement to keep going until Mellie was born, and then we both realized and agreed we were done.”
“Everyone knows we fight like crazy, over almost everything, but it usually works for us. We can normally find some common ground except for this.”
Kai is silent as he sips his whiskey while I do the same. Pressure tugs on my chest, pulling the strings so tight it feels like I can’t breathe.
“You can bet Abby is giving Xavier sound advice, which will probably help, and I’m no comparison to my wife in that regard, but if it was me, I’d be asking myself if fighting to have another baby is worth potentially losing my spouse and my family.”
“It’s not.” I don’t even have to think about it. “I’m trying to think logically about it, and when I do, I know the right thing to do is to back down. But the emotional side of my brain is pining for another child. I feel guilty for feeling like this. Like why isn’t my current life enough? Because I fucking love Xavier, Cuan, and Aubree. I’d lay down my life for them in a heartbeat, so why can’t I just let this go?”
“The heart wants what it wants. It doesn’t make you a bad husband or father to want to add to your family. Wanting to spread the love around isn’t selfish and it doesn’t mean you love your family any less.” Anderson smirks and I instantly narrow my eyes. “You’ve evolved, Hunt. Imagine us having this conversation even ten years ago.” He thumps me in the shoulder. “I’m proud of you, man.”
“Taking a sledgehammer to my relationship is nothing to be proud of.”
“Don’t start that bullshit.” Kai jabs his finger in his chest. “I just told you it’s not selfish to want a baby, but you’ve got to work out if it’s worth more to you than what you currently have.”
“I just told you it’s not.”
“Then you already know the answer, Hunt.”
Xavier is pretending to be asleep when I creep into the guest room at Anderson’s just after midnight. Honestly, I’m surprised he wasn’t still up, drowning his sorrows with Abby.
I don’t say anything, padding quietly into the en suite bathroom with my overnight bag. I grab a quick shower to wash off the smell of the bar, drying and dressing in sleep pants. I rinse my mouth with mouthwash and vigorously scrub my teeth, breathing on my hand to see if I’m still expelling whiskey fumes.
Kai and I had more to drink than we probably should have, stopping for burgers and fries at a local diner on our way home to soak up the booze. I should probably wait until morning to have this conversation, but I can’t bear another night going to sleep when we’re not speaking.
Reentering the bedroom, I dump my bag on the floor and walk over to the bed, crawling under the covers on my side. I prop up on one elbow and let my gaze rake slowly over my husband. His bare back is facing me, his spine stiff with tension. I hate how stupid we’ve both been to let it get to this stage. I love him so much, and I hope he still knows that. “I know you’re not sleeping,” I quietly say. Neither of us have been sleeping great for months. “I love you, Xavier. More than anything. More than a baby.”
He releases a staggered breath, and his entire body stills.
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” I add. “If it means losing you and the life we share, then I don’t want it. Let’s just forget about it because I can’t do this anymore.”
Xavier turns on his side, staring at me slack-jawed.
“I need you, and I need things to go back to the way they were,” I say, feeling that truth down to the marrow.
“You mean that.”
I nod. “I should have said this weeks ago. Nothing is more important to me than you and the kids.”
Xavier scoots up against the headrest, reaching out to place his palm on my heart. “Stop stealing all my lines.”
It’s dark in here, but I can still see the tears gathering in his eyes. I can scarcely speak over the lump clogging my throat. “I’m sorry.” I mirror his position on my side.
“No, babe.” Xavier clasps the back of my head, pulling my face closer to his. His fingers weave through my gray hair in a way that is familiar and comforting. It was almost to the point where I was afraid to touch him, and I think he was the same with me. “Don’t apologize for telling me what you want. I want you to be honest, always, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear or something we don’t agree on. I’m the one who should say sorry. I want to give you what you need so badly.”
“But you can’t, and I’m okay with that, Xavier. My wants don’t trump my needs, and I need you more than I want a baby.”
“Silver Fox, I love you so fucking much.” His voice cracks as we wrap our arms around one another and press our brows together. “Let’s never do this again.”
“Agreed.” Tipping his chin up, I kiss him softly. “I hate what this has done to our marriage.”
“Don’t do that.” His fingers sweep across my cheeks, leaving a fiery trail in their wake. “This was a blip.” He cups my face. “I have something I want to say. Abby helped me to realize a few things earlier. I don’t want a baby now because I’m too stressed, but that doesn’t mean I might not want one in the future.”
Air falters in my lungs. “What exactly are you saying?”
“What if we park this for now and revisit the idea in a year? We can figure out how to have a greater work-life balance in the meantime, so maybe we can make it work at a future point.”
“Do you really mean that?” I whisper, scared to hope for too much.
“I do. You’re my world, Sawyer.” He kisses me deeply and passionately, but before I can take it any further, he pulls back. “I love the life we share, and if we can find a way to make room in our lives for one more kid, then I’m all for it. I’m not opposed to another child—you know how much I love babies—just the timing.”
“So, it’s not a no. Just a no for now?”
“Yes.”
“We really made a mess of things, huh?”
“We’re both too pigheaded for our own good.”
“Can you repeat that so I can record it?”
“Shut. Up.” He drags his nails through my scalp in a way he knows I love.
“We should have spoken to our friends sooner.” Xavier arches a brow, and I take the hit.
“That one’s on me.” I still hate airing our laundry to anyone. It’s no bearing on our friends; it’s just how it is.
“Let’s not beat ourselves up for our mistakes. I don’t want to play the blame game. Let’s agree we both made mistakes, learn from it, move forward, and promise we’ll communicate better in the future.”
I brush my lips against his. “You always were the smarter one.”
“Can’t believe I’m going to say this, but we’re equally matched when it comes to stubbornness and intelligence.”
“Oh, look, he’s showering me with compliments now,” I tease, running my fingers down his chest and over his stomach. The little hitch in his breath is a dead giveaway.
“If it gets me what I want, I’ll rain compliments upon you all night,” he rasps, sucking in a gasp as I rub him over his pajama pants.
“Is this all for me?” My gruff tone confirms I’m equally as turned on as my cock turns to steel. I stroke him through the thin cotton, loving the feel of his thick girth under my hand.
“Always, Drill Sergeant.”
“I love you.” My hand dives under the waistband of his pants, wrapping around his naked flesh.
“Not as much as I love you.” He cups my junk through my sleep pants as he leans in for a kiss.
I take control, knowing he won’t fight it tonight. “Prove it.” I nip at his bottom lip, sucking it gently between my teeth.
“I’m already two steps ahead of you.” He smirks while lifting his hips and allowing me to peel his pajamas down his legs.
“Stay there,” I instruct, licking my lips and leaking precum as my husband spreads his legs and wraps a hand around his erection.
Climbing off the bed, I race toward my bag, removing the lube I packed at the last minute. I nearly come on the spot when I turn around; the sight of my husband jerking himself is almost too hot to handle. “Fuck. You’re so sexy.” I shove my pants down my legs and kick them aside.
“Right back at ya, babe.” His eyes are like heat-seeking missiles glued to my cock as I swagger toward the bed.
Setting the lube down on the nightstand, I climb back into the bed and plant one on him. Xavier moans into my mouth as my tongue tangoes with his, and my palm finds his rigid length, pushing his hand aside so I can jerk him off. His fingers curl around my shaft, and our kissing turns frantic as we stroke one another, pivoting our hips and clawing at each other.
“I need to be inside you, Bright One,” I say, sitting up and grabbing the lube.
“Thought you’d never ask,” my husband cheekily replies, lying flat on his back with his legs spread and his knees bent.
Positioning myself in between his toned thighs, I drip lube over his crack and smother my fingers in it. Then I gently tease him, adding one finger at a time until he fully relaxes and I feel him stretching around me. The moans coming out of his mouth have me dry humping the mattress like a horny teenager.
Xavier bucks his hips and whimpers when I curl my fingers inside, rubbing against his P-spot with skillful precision born from years of making love to this man.
“Sawyer, please.”
I don’t want to drag this out or torture him. Tonight, I want him to know how much I love and adore him, and I plan to take my time making love to him repeatedly. We have months of catching up to do, and it’s what he needs and wants. He wouldn’t have readily handed over control or offered up his ass if we weren’t on the same page.
It feels good to finally be here.
Removing my fingers, I lean back on my heels, and my husband watches as I coat my dick in lube before drizzling some more along his back passage. Xavier wraps his arms underneath his knees, pulling his legs up to his chest and offering me a glorious view of his hole. It’s glistening with lube, clenching and unclenching with need.
“I love you,” I whisper, lining my cock up at his entrance. “Never forget, Bright One. We’re going to disagree again,” I say, inching my cock in at the tip.
Xavier’s eyes roll back in his head, but he has to have the last word. “Well, duh. We’re us.” He grips the back of my neck and pulls me down to him as I push inside him. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” His face radiates with love and contentment, and in this moment, everything is perfect. “Make love to me, Sawyer.”
With one final thrust, I’m seated all the way, and it’s sheer fucking bliss. Being inside my husband is a high unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced in my life.
I spend the rest of the night proving my love as we seal the cracks that appeared in our relationship with every whispered word, every loving touch, every moan and whimper, and every promise we make to never let things get this far again.