Chapter Ten #2
They’d already covered that: how Varin’s mate had been a swan until the gods made her human, and how she’d kept her grace and beauty through the transformation.
Theos hoped she’d softened a bit in the beak area, but hadn’t pushed for answers about that.
When Theos asked too many questions, Finnvid tended to stop telling his stories, and Theos liked the stories.
So he stayed quiet, and Finnvid kept talking.
“As soon as Lordan saw Varin’s wife, he was overcome with lust for her. But he knew she was a virtuous woman who wouldn’t be unfaithful to her mate. So he decided he needed to make her . . . What’s the word in Torian? For a woman after her mate dies?”
“You have a word for that? And, wait, do you mean Varin is going to die?”
“We have a word in Elkati, yes. And, yes, the king decided he should kill Varin so his wife would be free.”
“He’s going to kill Varin just so he can sleep with Varin’s wife?
Does she even have a name? Does she want to sleep with Lordan?
Does Varin have to die just so two other people can have sex?
” Theos took a deep breath. Probably the story wasn’t worth getting quite this upset over.
Still . . . “Do you begin to understand how ridiculous your Elkati system is?”
“Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?”
“I don’t know. Does Varin die?”
“You’ll have to be quiet if you want to find out.”
Theos huffed, but then he lay still. He needed to hear the ending now that he’d heard the start.
When Finnvid seemed satisfied by the silence, he continued.
“But King Lordan couldn’t just have Varin killed.
The people loved their hero too much, and might revolt if he was murdered by their king.
And Lordan wasn’t strong enough to kill Varin in a fair fight.
No one was.” Of course not. Theos had come to think of Varin as the original Sacrati, which made the stories much easier to appreciate.
“So Lordan set traps for Varin. He sent him on impossible missions . . . I’ve already told you some of those stories, and we know how Varin managed to win against all obstacles.
And then he’d return to the arms of his beautiful wife—and, no, I don’t think she has a name—and the king would see them together and come up with an even more impossible mission. ”
“When Varin came back from fighting the star god, Lordan must have wanted to punch him in the face.”
“Probably,” Finnvid agreed. “The king had stopped caring about Varin’s beautiful wife quite so much because he was too busy hating Varin. Being jealous of him. Especially since Varin was the only one strong enough to lift the star god’s sword, so now Varin had an even better weapon to fight with.”
Theos tucked his arm behind his head and looked up into the darkness of the room. This was a good story.
“But after that fight,” Finnvid continued, “Varin was tired. He needed to recover from his many injuries, and he wanted to spend some time with his beautiful wife. So when the king summoned him to a royal audience, he went, and he was respectful and polite. But the king said he had another mission for Varin to go on; Varin refused. Politely. He said he was injured, and tired. He said he needed a little more time.”
“How’d the king like that?”
“Well, secretly he was very pleased because it gave him the excuse he needed. He said Varin was no true hero if he wouldn’t follow the orders of his king. And right there in the grand hall, with all the nobles watching, he declared another man the hero of the realm.”
Theos was quiet for a moment. “Is this a real story?”
“It is. But you’re right, it’s not a coincidence that I’m telling it to you now.”
“No.” The story was beginning to taste more like medicine than a treat. “So . . . what happened then?” Best to get it over with.
“Varin thanked the king. He said the other man was a good fighter and would be a good hero, and Varin was looking forward to spending more time with his wife. And right there in front of everyone, he pulled his wife to him and gave her a big kiss.”
“Wait. You were being my wife in the hall?”
“The story isn’t over yet. Do you want to hear the rest?”
“Probably not. Why don’t you just tell me more about your wifely duties and responsibilities. Should you be sleeping on the floor, now that we’re married?”
“So Varin went back to his home with his wife, and they were very happy.”
“Did she sleep on the floor? Did he like that?”
“You’re about to miss the ending of the story. I’ll just roll right over and go to sleep, and you’ll be lying up there trying to guess what happens, but you won’t be able to because your imagination isn’t all that good.”
“My imagination is excellent. I just use it for more interesting thoughts than stories about silly Elkati kings and marriages.”
“Fine. You lie up there imagining whatever you like. And I’ll just go to sleep.”
Theos lasted for three breaths, then said, “Slave, I order you to tell me the rest of the story.”
“Ask nicely.”
“I ordered. You are a slave, you know.”
“I don’t agree.”
It was true, Theos realized. Finnvid still acted as though he was just spending time with slightly surly friends before returning to his old life in Elkat.
And Theos had been letting him believe it.
So he might as well continue with the charade, at least long enough to find out what happened to Varin. “Please tell me how the story ends.”
The room was too dark to see Finnvid’s smug smile, but Theos could hear it in his voice as he said, “Everything was fine until the dragon came.”
“Wait? There’s a dragon?” Theos had almost missed the best part of the story.
“Aye, a fierce old beast. Claws as long as a man’s arm, and eight of them on each foot.”
“Eight? That seems like a lot.”
“It is a lot! It was a terrible dragon.”
“But not Varin’s problem.”
“Well, not right away. First, the king sent the other hero. And that hero was a good man. Next to Varin, he was the best warrior in the kingdom.”
“But he got eaten all the same.”
“Have you already heard this story?”
“I’ve heard your other stories. I’ve noticed a pattern.”
“Well, I don’t know about that, but as it happens, yes, in this one case, the other hero did get eaten by the dragon.
And all the villagers screamed and wailed, and they begged the king to summon Varin.
But the king was too proud. So he called together his ten best knights, and sent them after the dragon. ”
“Why doesn’t he just send everyone at once? What’s he going to do when the ten knights get eaten, send the next twenty?”
“So you have heard this story before.”
Theos was smiling. Lying there in the dark, listening to his crazy virgin Elkati floorwarmer, and smiling to himself. It was strange, but it felt good. “I haven’t heard the story. Keep going.”
“Well, let’s skip over the multiple failures from increasingly large groups of knights and warriors.
But we should be clear that all this time the dragon isn’t just eating the people who come to fight it, it’s eating innocent villagers too.
So finally the villagers approach the king, and they’re angry.
Everyone knows who can kill the dragon.”
“But Varin’s balls-deep in his beautiful wife and doesn’t even know there is a dragon.”
“He’s not— He’s with his beautiful wife. In their home. Just—with her.”
“Fucking.”
“That’s between Varin and his beautiful wife.”
“I’m going to lose most of my respect for Varin and his beautiful wife if they`re not spending a lot of time fucking.”
“Varin and his wife don’t care what you think.”
“That’s because they’re too busy fucking.”
“If there is one more interruption, story time will be over.”
Theos made himself be silent, and finally Finnvid said, “Even though he knew Varin was the last chance for the land, the king refused to call him. But the villagers couldn’t just sit around waiting to be eaten, so they sent a delegation of their oldest, wisest men to ask Varin to help them.
And as soon as he heard of their plight, he buckled on his armor and grabbed the star god’s sword and headed off.
As he walked through the village, the people fell in behind him, cheering him on.
The king heard the noise, came out on the palace balcony to see what was happening, and he seethed with rage.
But there was nothing he could do. Varin found the dragon, and the battle was fierce.
The dragon’s long claws were only one of the problems; he also had horrible teeth, and there were spikes on his tail sharp enough to impale a man right through the strongest of armor.
Varin had to use all his strength and cunning and speed, but finally he managed to dart in underneath the monster’s jaws and slice the creature open from belly to chin. ”
Of course he did. Finnvid wasn’t much good at giving details of the battles in these stories, but Theos could fill many of them in for himself.
He could practically feel the tough dragon hide surrendering to his sharp sword, the heat of the blood that would pour down on his head from the wound . . .
“So naturally Varin won,” Finnvid said. “But you know what the best part was?”
“The victory fucking?”
“No. Is that really–is there victory fucking? Do you do that?”
“I’m sorry, I think you’re getting distracted from your story. You should stay focused, or I’ll stop listening and go to sleep.”
Finnvid paused before he said, “You know what the best part was? It was when Varin walked back through the village, with all the cheering villagers behind him. The king was out on his balcony watching them, and Varin didn’t even glance in his direction.
He’d realized the king didn’t matter. He was a hero because of who he was, not because of a title some old man gave him or took away from him.
He didn’t need the king’s approval to be who he was meant to be. ”
Theos let the message sink in. It was a good story. Still, “I think that Varin ignoring the king was probably the second best part. It was good, but really, the best part was almost certainly the victory fucking.”
Finnvid made a disgusted sound, and Theos heard the blankets rustle as he rolled over. They lay in silence for a while, and then Theos said, “Thank you for the story, Finnvid. And for the kiss. They both helped.”
“You’re welcome,” Finnvid said quietly, and then they both lay still until they fell asleep.