Chapter Twenty-Seven #3
That was a bit more philosophical than Finnvid had been expecting, but it set his brain in motion.
He leaned up so he could see Theos’s face clearly and said, “Okay, say there’s a perfect world.
Say . . . say we found a whole new valley, one that’s normally cut off by glaciers.
But there’s a really warm few years and the glaciers melt so we can move in.
It’s beautiful, with forests and fields and lots of water and game.
And we get to choose people to go live there, and we can set it up however we want.
And it’s going to refreeze after we get there, so we don’t have to worry about being attacked or defending ourselves. What would it be like?”
Theos was quiet for long enough that Finnvid began to feel stupid. The Sacrati was a man of action. He didn’t play stupid make-believe games, didn’t spend his time watching trees or bugs or dreaming of perfect worlds.
But when Theos finally spoke, Finnvid realized that the man hadn’t been scoffing; he’d been thinking. “It’s cut off for sure? No chance of the glacier melting again?”
“No chance,” Finnvid said quickly. “There’s a rockslide, as well.”
“I probably shouldn’t go, then.” Theos didn’t sound sad, exactly. Just resigned. “You don’t need soldiers, and that’s all I can do.”
“No. It’s all you’ve learned to do so far, but it’s not all you can do! You can learn something else. You can . . . raise goats.”
“Goats?”
“Somebody has to.”
“The women will.”
“And the men will just sit around and do nothing? No, the women don’t like the sound of that. They say you need to learn a trade.”
“I think they should mind their manners. If they want my valuable services . . .” and Theos grabbed himself to demonstrate just what service he was talking about, “they need to spoil me. They should bring me goats. I think . . . two goats for a really good night. Five goats guarantees a baby.”
“This is your perfect world?” Finnvid was torn between being amused and appalled.
“No.” Theos paused. “In my perfect world, they’d bring me chickens, and cattle. Oh, and pigs. I don’t like goat much. And I guess if it’s really perfect, they wouldn’t bring me the animals, they’d bring me food, already cooked.”
“What would you do with your time? When you’re not fucking or eating?”
“I’d sleep.”
“What else?”
“I don’t know. I hear bugs are very interesting. Maybe I’d start watching them.”
“Would you want company? A fellow bug-watcher?”
“You?”
“Maybe.”
“I was thinking you’d be the bug-watching master. My teacher. I wouldn’t know where to start, all by myself. I might do it wrong. I might squish one. Or see a really interesting tree and get distracted from the bugs. Aye, I’d definitely need some guidance.”
“Well, I could help you some of the time. But I’ll be very busy with running the valley, you know.”
“Why will you be running it?”
“Because you can’t be torn away from your bugs.”
“Why either of us? Why would we be in charge?”
“It’s our valley. We found it.”
“But the other people live there, right? Shouldn’t they get to choose who’s in charge?”
“No, it’s our valley. What if we give power to people and they mess everything up? We’re stuck there, remember.”
“So we’ll have to work hard to make sure they don’t mess it up.”
“We’d have an easier time of that if we kept all the power for ourselves.”
“But then we’d be the ones messing it up.”
Finnvid sighed. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to win this argument, and wasn’t sure he even wanted to. “So, they’d choose their leaders. Maybe that would give me more time for bug watching.”
“And fucking.”
Finnvid fought to control his blush, and was reasonably successful until he felt Theos’s hand brush along the top of his ass, so high up that it could have been considered his lower back.
Just one tiny suggestion, barely even a hint, and Finnvid’s face flamed.
He pushed away, suddenly aware of how little he was wearing.
He’d been lounging there, almost naked, body entwined with another man’s, their spilled seed drying on each other’s bodies, as if it were . . .
He stopped himself. It was natural. Or maybe it wasn’t natural, but maybe “natural” wasn’t such an important thing to be.
Unfortunately, Theos had noticed his reaction. He sat up himself, hissing a little as something hurt, and shifted a hand’s breadth away. Theos’s expression was still gentle, his body relaxed. He wasn’t angry, he was just giving them some space.
Finnvid shook his head. “You must be getting tired of this. Of me, and my doubts.”
Theos shrugged. “You’re much less annoying now than you used to be, and I managed to put up with you then.”
“You threatened to torture and kill me then.”
Another shrug. “Of course I did. You were very annoying.”
Finnvid knew he shouldn’t be pleased. Shouldn’t feel as if he were glowing with pride, just because he’d managed to become less annoying to an arrogant Sacrati.
But there really didn’t seem to be much connection between what he knew and what he felt, not lately.
So he let himself smile, and then, when he realized that Theos was still looking away from him, he nudged the man’s foot with his own.
Theos turned to him, saw the smile, and frowned in response. “What are you grinning about?”
“I’m not annoying anymore.”
“You’re less annoying.”
“Much less annoying.”
“Well, you started from being very, very annoying. There was room for you to improve a lot and still be a total pain in the ass.”
“Am I a total pain in the ass?” Finnvid asked it casually, but braced himself for the answer.
Theos squinted at him. “Are you going to make me keep drinking broth?”
“You seem much stronger now. Probably you could eat solid food, as long as you take it easy.”
“And are you going to keep touching me? Letting me touch you?”
And there was something about the way Theos said it, something about the lightness in his tone that Finnvid recognized. They were both teasing, but braced to hear answers they wouldn’t like.
Luckily, Finnvid could give Theos an answer he would like. “I want to keep touching you. And I want you to keep touching me.” But he should try to be honest. “Just . . . maybe not—not too much.”
“Too much touching? How much is too much?”
“Not . . . you know.”
“I don’t think I do.”
He was going to make Finnvid say it. Maybe Theos really didn’t understand, or maybe he was just taking a little revenge. Finnvid stared at his foot, still right next to Theos’s. “Not . . . what you do with other people. What I’ve seen you do.”
“Eating together? Talking? Oh, drinking! You don’t want any alcohol. That’s fine. We haven’t got any here, anyhow.”
“Theos.”
“Finnvid.”
“You still say it wrong. It’s Finnvid, not Feenveed.”
“Maybe you’ve been saying it wrong.”
“I’ve been saying my own name wrong?”
“Seems like.”
Finnvid sighed. He could let the conversation drift, if he wanted to; he knew Theos understood what he was getting at.
Still, it seemed like something he should be able to talk about.
It seemed childish and ridiculous to shy away from the words.
“I don’t want you to—to fuck me,” he said finally.
The words came out too quickly, but at least he’d said them.
“Do you want to fuck me?”
Finnvid stopped looking at his foot. He stared at Theos and felt his jaw drop open. “I hadn’t even thought of that as an option. I don’t . . . Do you do that?” In their months together, Finnvid had lost count of how many men he’d seen Theos with, but never like that.
“Not usually. I have, though. I’m not saying I will; I’m just curious about whether you want to. Is it the whole thing you don’t like, or just that role?”
“I don’t know.” Finnvid tried to think about it. His mind was racing too fast, too randomly, to produce any useful ideas. Apparently he’d been wrong, thinking he was ready for this conversation. “I should go check the snares.”
He turned and started crawling toward the exit, but before he got far he felt a strong hand wrap around his ankle. They froze like that for a moment, Finnvid not trying to get free, Theos not trying to drag him back, and finally Finnvid looked over his shoulder.
“It’s okay,” Theos said with an easy smile. “Sex is supposed to be fun. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. It’s that simple.”
“But you want to do it. And you can’t because I won’t.”
“Well . . . yes. But you’re not— Finnvid, you’re not actually my bedwarmer. You’re not my slave. You stayed here to help me get better, not to get fucked. I know that.”
“And soon you’ll be back in Windthorn, with hundreds of men just waiting for you to fuck them.”
Theos frowned, clearly confused by the bitterness in Finnvid’s voice.
“Well, probably not hundreds. Still—aye, there are other people I can do things with if you don’t want to do them.
Not right here, right now, but that’s not your problem.
” He took his hand off Finnvid’s ankle while keeping his gaze on his face.
“The stuff we already did . . . you didn’t like that? You didn’t want to do it?”
“I liked it,” Finnvid said in a small voice. “I wanted to do it.” He forced a smile onto his face. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I just need to go check the snares. I’ll be back soon.”
“You need to put more clothes on,” Theos prompted.
Of course he was right, and Finnvid pulled on heavier pants and a hooded coat and mittens. He managed to do it all without even a glance in Theos’s direction.
When he finally got outside, the cold air felt like a slap. A slap that he needed. He’d gotten stupid, forgotten who he was and who Theos was. He’d let himself get too attached, and he was going to suffer for it. He stared up at the cold blue sky and wondered how things had gotten so confusing.