Chapter 14 Katarina
KATARINA
The cafeteria was chaotic at lunchtime. There were fewer orderlies and nurses today.
Clearly they’d put some kind of lockdown on the whole place.
So patients who usually had a lot more support were wandering, confused and upset, with the skeleton crew of staff they’d brought in hardly keeping up with the demand for care.
I grabbed my stale cheese roll, my go-to lunch, as I couldn’t stomach the mystery meat in the hot dishes. I went to sit at my usual table by a window, so at least I could stare out at the spindly trees that stretched far into the horizon.
I sat here every day, without fail. So I noticed right away.
One of the branches close to the window was different. I pressed my forehead to the glass to get a closer look.
A tiny, nearly unnoticeable bud.
A loud crash pulled me from my wonder.
“See what you’ve done? Stupid girl!” Sister Vera’s voice was scathing, ugly with her unspent rage; she was looking for an outlet.
I shoved to my feet at the sound. Rough, shouted words set me off like nothing else and always gave me a jolt. Fight or flight, and I always chose fight.
Tatiana stood in the middle of the lunchroom, a tray at her feet, food spilled across the tile floor and on the hem of Sister Vera’s black robes.
“You dirty little sinner, look what you’ve done—wasting food? You might as well spit on a cross!” The nun was raving mad. “Now you’re crying? I’ll give you something for those crocodile tears!” She drew her hand back.
Sister Vera wasn’t holding back today, and there was no one around to stop her. Except me.
I darted between them just as her hand reached me. There wasn’t any time to deflect or dodge it without Tatiana getting hurt, so I didn’t bother.
Her hand crashed into my cheek, and heat and pain shot through me.
I grabbed her hand when it finished its arc.
“Enough. Get a hold of yourself,” I growled into her face.
Her mouth dropped open with shock while she processed that I’d stepped between them.
“Move out of the way, Katarina. You will not let that child escape her punishment.”
“She’s being punished for accidentally dropping her tray? Where’s your mercy, Sister? Or is that just reserved for the priests you suck up to?”
Outrage filled the woman’s eyes, and she drew her other hand back to hit me again, but this time I caught it before it could inflict damage.
“Hit me again, and I’ll hit you back,” I promised.
Silence fell. Every single eye in the lunchroom was fixed on us.
“Shouldn’t you be more careful than this, Katarina, considering your situation?” Sister Vera said.
I’d always wondered how much the head nun knew about my presence at Hallow Hall. Was she like the orderlies and nurses who just thought I was mentally unwell and here for my own good? Or did she know that the holy trinity in charge was keeping me here forcefully by threatening my mother?
The question finally answered, I dropped her hand and laughed.
“So, for all your pristine habits and rosaries, you’re one of them, too?
How disappointing. How hypocritical.” Then I leaned in; I couldn’t help myself.
“I hope your conscience never gets the better of you, Sister Vera, like Father Vargas. Such a shame to be denied entry to heaven after a life of service . . . but then, that ship has already sailed for you and your brethren, hasn’t it? ”
She jerked back, her gaze moving furiously over me.
“How do you know what happened to Father Vargas?” she asked, staring at me with a note of real fear in her eyes.
Suddenly, I got it. The heady taste of power.
It was beautiful.
“Everyone’s talking about it. You didn’t think you could really have secrets in a place like this, did you? There are eyes everywhere in Hallow Hall,” I whispered menacingly.
She jerked away from me, clearly trying to compose herself.
“Sister Vera, is there a problem here?” Dr. Blackwood had appeared in the doorway, clearly stressed out and harried. His dark hair was tousled, and he had a five o’clock shadow on his normally clean-shaven face.
Massimo stood at his shoulder. He gazed attentively over the scene.
“Yes, there’s a problem,” Sister Vera announced loudly.
Great. She was going to try and make a fuss to Dr. Blackwood.
I couldn’t listen to her lie, so I turned around and went down on my haunches in front of Tatiana. The girl cried silently, big fat tears rolling down her cheeks. She raised her eyes to mine, and I stroked her hair.
“Hey, it’s okay. You can have my lunch,” I told her.
She shook her head. “I’m not hungry. You got hit because of me.”
“No, I got hit because of her, and it’s not right,” I said back.
I sensed a presence at my side. Blackwood and Sister Vera were still talking behind me, but their annoying voices fell away. Massimo crouched beside me.
Tatiana looked at Massimo, her eyes widening and her lip trembling even more.
“I’m in trouble,” she whispered.
I shook my head. “You’re not. We’ll get this cleaned up and you won’t be in trouble.”
“I’ll go to hell,” she continued.
I scoffed, attempting a smile to lighten Tatiana’s panic.
“No you won’t.”
She clearly didn’t believe me.
“But how about this. If you do, I’ll go with you.” I held up my pinkie to her.
She nodded, solemnly wrapping her smallest finger around mine. “You promise?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die,” I said.
Her eyes widened; she took those words extremely seriously.
I glanced at Massimo, who watched us with an impassive, unreadable expression, his hands swiftly collecting the broken shards of crockery and placing them on the tray.
“Katarina, I’m afraid we need to talk,” Dr. Blackwood said from above me.
Just wonderful.
He waited as I straightened up reluctantly.
“What?”
“Sister Vera has indicated to me that she’s worried you’ve been skipping medication.”
“I haven’t,” I argued.
“I can vouch for that. I’ve been administering her medication myself.” Massimo rose smoothly to his intimidating height.
Dr. Blackwood wasn’t a particularly small guy, but standing next to Massimo, he resembled a gangly teenager.
Dr. Blackwood studied Massimo and considered his words. “Well, in that case, this is a behavioral issue, and you know we have protocols for that. I’m afraid I will have to send you to solitary to reflect on your actions.”
I swallowed a protest. I hated solitary. It was a mindfuck like nowhere else. Still, it was worth it to stop Tatiana from being abused by Sister Vera.
“Alonso,” Dr. Blackwood called over his shoulder.
Alonso approached, his hand in his pocket, walking stiffly. His eyes darted to Massimo and then down. Had he hurt himself? His hand seemed awkward jammed in his pants.
“Take Katarina down to solitary.”
“I’ll take her,” Massimo cut in. “I haven’t seen that area of the institute, if you’d be so kind to show me, Doctor.”
Blackwood nodded.
“Alonso, you clean up this mess for the little lady and replace her lunch,” Massimo ordered, nodding to Tatiana, who had stopped crying but was still crouched over her dropped tray.
Alonso bobbed his head jerkily and turned to Tatiana, lowering to his knees beside her.
She looked at me. I gave her a cheerful wave.
“Thank God I get to go back to bed. I’m so tired today,” I confided to Tatiana and winked.
She giggled, her sadness passing.
Then I turned to Massimo. I was ready.
We left the lunchroom. I walked behind Blackwood and Massimo.
“I’ll pray for you, child!” Sister Vera called behind me, sounding smug.
I flipped her the middle finger, drawing titters of laughter from the other patients in the dining hall.
Massimo and Blackwood were talking. I listened with half attention to what they were saying.
“No, we don’t give the patients anything stimulating in solitary, it’s too exciting. No books, no pencils; they could hurt themselves. No chalk after someone ate it. It’s a place to find peace within, and it’s easier for them to find that peace without distractions.”
The lack of something to read or draw on was the worst part of solitary. That and the way the ghosts seemed to come when you had nothing to distract yourself with.
We took the rusty cage elevator down to the lowest floor. Pavol’s office was down here too, but in a different wing.
Dr. Blackwood opened the various security doors, and I followed him through. Massimo brought up the rear.
We walked down the long hallway of solitary confinement rooms. I could hear that some were occupied. This was where Mira had stayed near the end so that they could take her for surgery and carve her up with fewer people seeing. Her ghost was everywhere I looked.
Blackwood unlocked a heavy door and switched the lights on inside.
“You know the drill, Katarina. In you go,” he said, and stepped back.
Massimo was closer to me. I had to brush past him to enter the room. As I did, his hand touched mine.
He pressed something into my palm and closed my hand around it quickly.
Then I was inside the dingy white room, turning around. The door closed. The observation slot slammed shut, and I was alone. I opened my hand to see what Massimo had given me.
A tiny bunch of snowdrops.