47. Sage
sage
“You’ve got this,” Christian said, squeezing my fingers as we approached Kale who crouched beside the bull pen while he packed his equipment bag.
I nodded, inhaling a deep breath of fresh spring air. I noted the scents of the bulls and the richness of damp earth hoping it would ground me and settle my nerves.
We’d been holed up in the cabin the last couple weeks. We’d needed it. I needed it. It gave me time to reconnect with my therapist and for me to convince Christian I was okay.
But it was time to return to normal life now. We were two weeks away from the gallery's grand opening. I had a job to return to, a cabin to renovate now that we were both fully moved in, and a life to live.
And the first step was talking to my brother.
He deserved to know everything and I felt strongly that this was the only way to move forward.
To share my trauma. To stop carrying this all on my own.
To finally let in the people who loved me and cared for me.
I’d do it for myself. I’d do it for Christian.
I wanted us to truly start a relationship on healthy terms, not because it was a necessity or an accident, but because we were in love with each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
Kale raised his head, but I couldn’t read him beneath the shadow of his cowboy hat. While Lina and Romy dropped by unannounced to bring us meals and DVDs — visits that would end up turning into “girl’s night” — Kale had kept his distance.
Kale zipped up his bag and lifted his hat to scratch his forehead. His brows pinched when we made eye contact and I knew he was still worried about me.
“I’m just going to go work out with Jude,” Christian excused himself to the pole barn where they’d set up their makeshift workout space. He was still working on strengthening his knee, but there were no plans for him to return to bull riding.
“I’ll come find you when we’re done.”
We stopped briefly to share a kiss, before Christian resumed his walk down the hill, exchanging a brief nod with Kale as he passed.
Nerves danced in my belly as I approached Kale. I didn’t know how he was going to react to the story I was about to tell — not after keeping it to myself for so long.
He made his way to the bench beside the fence and I followed him.
“How are you feeling?” he asked as I took a seat beside him.
His deep chocolate eyes connected with mine beneath the brim of his hat and for a moment, I remembered those same sad, worried eyes from when we were children and scared for our mom. This time though, they were for me.
I reached out to my little brother, taking his hand from his knee, and gave him a slight reassuring smile. “I’m doing better now.”
He nodded slowly. “That’s good.”
“I’d taken a break from therapy, but I started it back up again.”
His jaw clenched as he swallowed, and his knee started to bounce. The hand in my grasp tightened around my fingers. “They’re both dead — Clayton and that woman. But I’d kill them all over again if I could.”
“I know.” Christian had told me that the news reported it as a double homicide under investigation and they were still in search of possible suspects.
So far, there’d been no leads and authorities were looking into the motives of some of Clayton’s business associates.
Chuck was making sure nothing led back to them and hoped they’d pin this on Junior, since he was still at large.
“You know I tried to kill him once.” I knew who he was referring to by the way his eyes hardened with his words. Our biological father.
“I didn’t know that.”
He averted his eyes. “I sat in a tree with my sling shot waiting for him to leave the house and when he finally stepped out, I fired it at him. The rock hit him right between the eyes and gave him a nasty welt. He yelled at me and tried to climb the tree to drag me down, but he was too drunk and fell and hit his head on a rock. He walked away with blood in his hair and I was so fucking happy about it. I prayed it would get infected and he’d die a miserable death.
Of course, that didn’t happen, but I’d hoped. ”
I sighed. “I was ashamed. After everything Mom went through. She even warned me about men like our father. But she warned me about wasi’chu, not the fact that any man could treat a woman like that.
I was so infatuated with him –– and thought it was love –– that I tried so hard to please him.
To make sure he loved me. By the time I needed to get out, he’d isolated me from everyone in my life.
I didn’t know how to reach you or our parents, or anyone.
He’d convinced me that only he had my best interests at heart. ”
“Fuck. I wish I’d known. I would’ve fought to get you out.” His face was pained with guilt.
“Please, don’t. There was nothing you could’ve done. I didn’t know what else to do but run.”
“But if I’d known it was Clayton, one of our chairmen, I would’ve––”
“Stop. We can’t go back. I don’t think I would’ve wanted to anyway.
There’s nothing I’d change at this point and you can’t beat yourself up about it.
That isn’t going to allow either of us to move on.
” I heaved a deep sigh. “I was so scared to tell you. To relive the trauma we both went through, only to then pile more on you. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone. And honestly, I was scared that if I told you, you’d take matters into your own hands and try to kill him. ”
“I would’ve.” His voice was hard.
“See! I wasn’t about to let you wind up in jail or worse, because of me. I still won’t let that happen.”
“You know you never needed to handle all of this on your own?”
I looked down at our clasped hands and nodded slowly. “I know that now. Christian showed me that. And so did everyone else.”
“We’re a family.”
I lifted my head to see the intense love in his eyes, begging me to lean on him, to let him in. I didn’t need to go through all of this alone anymore. A soft smile tipped my lips. “That we are.”
His thumb brushed over my hand again, his brows pinching when he noticed for the first time that I wasn’t wearing my rings. “You’re not really married, are you?”
His question surprised me and my gaze jerked up to meet his.
“We’re really married, but the engagement was only a pretense to protect me from Clayton.
We made sure y’all knew the lie to protect you from being caught in the middle.
The last thing I wanted was to make my problems everyone else’s.
I wasn’t ready to share my truth and Christian respected that.
” I could see Kale’s eyes narrow as he looked in the direction Christian had gone off in.
I had a sense he may feel betrayed by his friend.
I squeezed his hand to bring his attention back to me.
“Please don’t blame him for anything. This was my call.
I asked him to keep it between him and me. ”
He inhaled a deep breath through his nose, as if he was trying to settle his rising anger. “I suppose I can’t be too mad at the bastard for respecting my sister’s wishes, especially when all he’s ever done is love you.”
Heat flooded my face and my heart did a little flip at his words. “I’ve never been loved like this before.”
A soft smile flitted across his lips. “Then I hope you’ll let him keep loving you.”
My lips tipped up. I thought of the ring he never took off, even when I’d given him mine to hold onto. Now my hand looked bare and I missed the weight. “He deserves this to be done right. And so do I.” Now that the storm had cleared, I was ready. “I can’t imagine a life without Christian in it.”
Kale chuckled. “Neither can I. Well, I hope you don’t leave my dude hanging for too long, otherwise I’ll have to deal with the lovesick puppy dog.”
I grinned. “I don’t plan on it.”