Chapter 9
Lawson
I think about what Oakley said long into the night. About whether or not I might be asexual and what that means for me if true. I even do a good bit of researching on my phone before frustration leads me to giving up, more confused than ever.
Sleep is fitful.
I’m not surprised when one of my brothers finds me late morning, my mood surely broadcast across my face. I am surprised, however, by the brother.
“Hey,” Colton says, plopping down beside me on the deck. The day is sunny, and I have my laptop with me, trying to get a bit of lesson planning done before the start of the school year.
“Morning, Colt.”
He’s quiet for a minute, his foot bouncing. I’m guessing he didn’t think of what he’d say when he cornered me, only that he should. Brotherly duty and all.
I appreciate it, even if I don’t quite know what to say either.
Finally, he breaks the silence. “So. Oakley’s back. That’s nice.”
“Yeah,” I agree, although it’s not the first time we’ve talked about the man.
As soon as I got back from my brief visit to Kansas, Remi all but chewed me out in front of the family for leaving so abruptly without a word.
He forgave me quickly, even though I’m fairly positive there was nothing to forgive.
The only person who needed to know was Wendy. And she was all in favor of me dragging Oakley home.
Colton bobs his head in a nod. “And you seem…happier?”
“Suppose so.”
Although certainly no closer to understanding myself.
Colton looks off toward the mountains for a moment before letting out a groan. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“And…what is this?”
“Me trying to, I dunno, be supportive or whatever. You’re happier, but something’s still wrong.
And don’t try to tell me it’s nothing. I thought it was the divorce, but you barely flinched once those papers were filed.
And now you’re smiling again, but there’s something in your eyes I don’t understand.
I’ve never claimed to be the best at this stuff, but I’m here for you. And I wanna help, okay? We all do.”
“I’m grateful for that,” I say, my voice coming out hoarse. “I am, Colt. But I think some journeys we need to take alone.”
His face scrunches up. “Yeah, I call bullshit on that. Every journey is better with a friend.”
I grunt, and he turns to face me more fully, voice firm.
“I think you’re scared of whatever it is you’re feeling because you don’t understand it, and you’ve always prided yourself on understanding everything before any of the rest of us.
It’s not a weakness to ask for help, Law.
One of us might understand what you’re going through.
If you’re making yourself suffer as punishment for what happened with Laura, well, then stop it.
I think you’ve suffered enough, don’t you? ”
His words cause my breath to catch in my throat, an emotion that feels suspiciously like guilt curling in my chest.
Have I been punishing myself for a two-decade-long fuck-up? I want to deny it, but I let myself sit in a sad place for a long time, didn’t I? I didn’t want to feel better. Not unless it was Oakley doing the cheering up, but he wasn’t here to do it.
And I didn’t even tell him the half of it, did I? I could have, and he would have shown up for me, just like he said. I know he would have.
But I kept silent, stuck in what might have been grief over a failed marriage. Except losing Laura wasn’t what hurt the most. It was finding out I don’t know myself nearly as well as I thought I did. And wondering if I made the wrong choice so long ago.
But my choices brought me Wendy. And even if I regret so very much, I’ll never regret that.
“I’m not sad about my divorce,” I speak aloud, and Colton stills. “I’m torn up over all the years things should have been different. I can’t get that time back. And… I’m scared maybe I won’t make the right choice for my future.”
My brother appraises me for a long moment.
“Noah and I were at each other’s throats for over fifteen years.
You know why? A mistake someone else made.
Life is messy, Law. It’s never a perfect road.
All you can do is travel down the one that feels right for you.
Looking in the rearview won’t accomplish a thing except forcing you to lose sight of what’s in front of you. ”
“Shit,” I mutter, shocked at my brother’s insightful advice.
Colton chuckles, tipping his hat back as he holds my gaze. The sharp blue of his eyes is a feature each of my brothers possesses. I’ve always been the odd man out in that regard. “You’ve got a lot of life left to live, Law, God willing. But being afraid of it won’t make it what you want it to be.”
“You’re saying making mistakes is better than not making any choices at all.”
“I am. Mistakes can be fun sometimes.”
Colton bounces his eyebrows, and I huff a laugh.
“But it’ll work out for you,” he goes on. “I know it.”
“How so?” I ask, wanting badly to believe him.
His smile quirks at the corner. “Well, you’ve already started chasing your happiness, haven’t you? Even brought a little bit of it home with you.”
My gaze searches the fields for Oakley, although I don’t see him at the moment. My brother chuckles, standing.
“Yep. Knew it. You’re gonna be okay, Law.”
“Thanks, Colt. I appreciate it. I really do.”
He inclines his head. “Mhm. Now stop being a dumbass and come talk to us when you need it. We’re family. We’ll always have your back.”
I nod, my throat tight, and Colton walks off down the deck. He bypasses the stairs altogether and jumps to the grass below, whistling a tune that reminds me of Ash and hearts of gold.
My gaze returns to the far fields, the mountains set behind them.
Small flecks of black dot the countryside, the cattle so far away I can barely see them, even if I squint.
Oakley is somewhere out there, tending to the herd, a cowboy by trade and at the very heart of him.
He’s always been a caretaker. Looking after animals, me, my daughter, even that cow he claims to hate.
I count myself lucky to have him in my life.
And I’m not letting him get away again.
Oakley is in the kitchen when I enter his house, the man’s hair wet, even though it’s far past the usual time he showers after work. I have an idea what caused the delay when I notice all his extra furniture and possessions gone from where they were piled near the dining table.
“Got everything donated?” I ask.
He nods as I join him in the kitchen, a pot on the stove perfuming the air with the savory aroma of tomatoes and herbs. “I’m officially down to three spatulas, which is still more than plenty. Wendy coming tonight?”
I shake my head, leaning against the counter as Oakley dumps spaghetti into a boiling pot of water. “She’s at a friend’s.”
“A boy’s?”
I raise an eyebrow at his implication. “Number one, you really think I’d give permission for my seventeen-year-old daughter to stay with a boyfriend, if she had one, unchaperoned for the night?
Number two, your question is placing a lot of assumptions on a not-yet-woman who’s given you no indication her preference is for boys.
Number three, if my daughter is determined to do something untoward with a person of any gender, she’ll find a way. ”
“Untoward?” Oakley whispers.
“But to answer your question, not a boy. Her friend Chloe. And the two will be chaperoned for the night. Stir your sauce, Oakley.”
“Jesus,” he mutters, spinning to stir the tomato sauce. He looks at me with a curious expression. “You think Wendy might be sexually active?”
I fight my cringe. “I think she could well be, even though she claims she’s not. We’ve had every talk under the sun, and I trust my daughter to be safe, even if I don’t trust her to tell me each and every possible bad decision she’s made in her life.”
Oakley huffs a laugh. “You’re something else, Law.”
“I’m pragmatic.”
“Oh, I don’t disagree.” He shakes his head. “And here you were trying to make me believe you might skip safe sex yourself. I see through you, you know.”
“I know,” I say plainly. “You always have.”
There goes that curious expression again. Oakley clears his throat, turning the burner off under the sauce. “You still set on that?”
“Finding a man? Yes.”
He nods in a jerk, grabbing two plates from the cupboard. “Will you date or just…”
His voice peters out, but I understand the direction of his thoughts.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure dating someone would be a good idea right now, not when I don’t even know if that’s something I want with a man. I think being upfront and honest and finding someone just for the night would be best. It should tell me what I need to know.”
“Whether or not fucking a guy is something you enjoy,” he fills in.
“Being fucked by one, but yeah.”
He grunts, moving the pot of spaghetti over to the sink before dumping the contents into a strainer. “You’ve never had casual sex.”
It’s a statement, but Oakley knows the truth of it.
“No. There’s only ever been Laura.”
The look in his eye is one of sadness when he glances my way, and I’m not sure what for. For the end of my relationship? Because I told him sex with Laura never felt like what it maybe should have?
I’m not sure if sex with a man will feel different, but I want to know. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not like most when it comes to picking out partners. That, like Oakley said, looking at a person doesn’t bring about desire, at least not in the way Oakley described it for himself.
But I don’t know if that makes me ace or just confused. Maybe both. At the very least, I think it’s entirely possible I’m not straight, as I thought.
Maybe there’s someone out there who will fit with me in a way that feels right instead of like everything I’ve heard it’s supposed to be.
Supposed to be isn’t a one-size-fits-all.
I learned that the hard way with Laura, trying my best to be what she needed, convincing myself it was right because no one ever told me I might want a person differently. And that’d be okay.
Not until Oakley.
He’s moving the spaghetti noodles into a ceramic bowl now, his arms on display below the hems of his short sleeves.
He’s fit, not overly bulky with muscle but a far cry more defined than I am, thanks to my sitting in front of a desk most days.
I look at the back of his ear, trying to find a hint of what Oakley mentioned.
Attraction that’s linked to sexual desire.
Maybe I’m just not hardwired that way. Because I’ve never looked at a man, woman, or any person and thought about what we could be in bed.
When I look at Oakley, I see comfort. Warmth. Someone I want to be near.
And yes, if Oakley were willing, I’d very much like him to fuck me so I could find out what it’s like. If he could make me feel even half of what Laura did when she pegged me, it wouldn’t be bad. Maybe it wouldn’t be that mythical right, but I’m not sure that even exists for me.
But Oakley isn’t an option. And I can respect his decision.
Which leaves me to find a one-night stand, not the easiest thing in Darling. But there are cities nearby and plenty of options out there, I’m sure.
Oakley sets the last of the dinner items on the table, and I join him, steam wafting up from the meal. I’m surprised Bell hasn’t made her way inside to investigate, but maybe she already stole away with some food before I arrived.
“Wendy and I are going riding this weekend,” I tell Oakley. “Wanna come?”
“At the ranch?” he asks.
I nod, dishing spaghetti onto my plate, followed by a ladle of sauce and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. Oakley shreds his own parmesan, swearing by it over the ready-made grated stuff. I can’t argue with his results.
“Yeah, I’ll come along,” he answers. “When, uh…do you think you’re gonna find someone?”
I assume he means a guy.
“Not sure,” I admit. “Would you help me?”
Oakley coughs around his bite of food. “Help you find a fuck buddy?”
“I guess.”
He groans slightly. “I don’t know, Law…”
“You don’t have to,” I tell him seriously. “I’m just asking. I think… I’d like to do it soon. I’ve waited long enough for answers. It’s time I go and find them.”
Oakley watches me closely, the blue and brown of his eyes like the earth and sky in one. “All right.”
“All right, you’ll help? Or just all right?”
“I’ll help,” he says, twirling spaghetti onto his fork. He shakes his head, letting out a sigh that sounds almost like laughter. “Lord, what am I getting myself into?”
I don’t have an answer for him, hardly knowing myself.
But I do know it won’t be a mistake, sex with a man. Because one way or another, it’ll give me a piece of the puzzle I haven’t yet solved.