Chapter 13
Lawson
The Silkies in the petting farm wander around my feet, their feathered heads bobbing as they pick up seed scattered on the ground. They remind me of dandelion fluff. Like one good wind could scatter them all away.
“Law?”
Looking up, I find my brother Remi approaching from the direction of the small petting farm barn. He lifts his hands once he has my attention, the processor for his CI absent from behind his ear. ‘You doing all right?’
‘Why does everyone keep asking me that?’ I sign back, my arms feeling heavy.
Remi lifts an eyebrow. ‘Probably because half the time we see you lately, you’re staring off into space. Something on your mind?’
I let loose a breath as Remi joins me on the small bench I’m sitting on. Snickerdoodle the pony comes trotting over, and a couple of the chickens scatter, disgruntled clucks accompanying their retreat. Snickerdoodle drops her head right in Remi’s lap, and he dutifully supplies her with affection.
‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Of course,’ Remi replies before going back to petting the pony.
I don’t know the best way to approach this, so I just jump in. ‘Are you familiar with asexuality?’
One of Remi’s eyebrows subtly lifts again, but I can tell he’s trying to hold back his surprise. ‘I think I have a pretty good understanding of the nuances, yeah.’
It doesn’t surprise me considering Remi is the youngest of us at twenty-nine now.
When I was a kid, folks didn’t talk about this stuff.
My parents were always open with us, always encouraging and inclusive.
But even they didn’t mention the possibility of being ace.
Heck, I don’t think half the terms I read about were even in use a few decades back.
It’s different now. Our language is evolving, as well as our understanding of a good many things, and maybe I should have done a better job myself of staying on top of that. If not for my own benefit and knowledge, then for Wendy’s sake.
But the simple truth is I never considered I might be ace. It hadn’t occurred to me because, until recently, I didn’t even know the way I felt about people wasn’t the typical experience. Although—should I even call it that? Who’s to say what’s typical when we’re all so dang different to begin with?
Blowing out a breath, I face my brother. ‘Can you help me understand it? What it means to be ace?’
‘Of course,’ Remi answers, a thoughtful expression on his face. His hands move the same way, softly. Thoughtfully. ‘It’s a varied spectrum, but generally, someone who’s ace experiences a lack of sexual attraction in one way or another.’
‘But that doesn’t mean they don’t have sex?’ I ask, Oakley having said as much.
‘That’s true.’ Remi pauses, his hand smoothing over Snickerdoodle’s neck before he goes on.
‘Most people, regardless of their sexuality, fall into one of three categories at any given time. Or they fit somewhere in between. They might be sex-averse, meaning they don’t like sex or the idea of sex, and they may even find it repulsive.
They might be sex-neutral, meaning they don’t have strong feelings about sex any which way and may partake in it.
Or they might be sex-favorable, meaning they like the idea of sex, enjoy it for themselves, and may seek to participate in it.
I think the biggest misconception when it comes to ace folks is that they’re all sex-averse. ’
‘And that’s not true.’
Remi pinches his fingers in a no. ‘Definitely not. Someone who’s allosexual experiences sexual attraction toward others. That doesn’t mean they’re going to sleep with every person that turns them on. There are so many other factors that weigh on those choices, same as with ace folks.’
‘I think what I’m not getting is… How do you know if you’re ace?’
His smile is soft. ‘I think that’s the tricky part for a lot of people. And why there’s so much gray area. Some would say sexual attraction means physical response, right? So your body reacts to a person. You get turned on, hard, wet, tingly, whatever.’
Remi laughs at the grimace on my face, smacking my shoulder before going on.
‘Others would say sexual attraction is less quantifiable than that, but rather knowing you want intimacy with that person in that way.’
I lift my hands, pausing, and Remi waits patiently, his fingers carding through Snickerdoodle’s long mane of tangled hair. The pony’s eyes are closed, her head still resting on Remi’s lap.
Finally, I sign, ‘You’re saying desire can be as much mental as it is physical.’
‘For some people, I think the answer would be yes. So, on one end of the ace spectrum, you have people who never experience that. No active desire for others. There’s demisexuality, in which people only experience that desire after a connection has been formed.
There’s aegosexuality, where folks do experience sexual attraction yet don’t want to actually have sex with the person.
And there’s a whole gray area of gray-ace individuals whose experiences aren’t always easily defined.
Maybe they do feel sexual attraction with a limited number of people or in certain circumstances, but they still identify more strongly with the ace side of things than the allo.
Not to mention ace-flux folks whose sexuality is more fluid, or any number of other labels. ’
‘That’s…a lot,’ I manage a little stiltedly.
Remi huffs a laugh. ‘It is. Do you think you might be ace? I assume you’re not asking about this for a friend.’
I scrub a hand over my face, not even knowing where to start.
‘I honestly don’t know,’ I tell my brother.
‘It occurred to me recently that I don’t view people the same way I assumed everyone does.
There’s no…spark like that. Not for anyone.
But I do like sex. Always have in theory. With Laura, it was just…’
I cut off, realizing how much I’d been about to divulge. But Remi’s considerate expression and his nod of encouragement have me going on.
‘It was mechanical. Not…passionate.’
‘Have you had sex since her?’ he asks, motions fluid if not purposefully calm.
I nod.
‘And was it different? Better for you?’
‘It was,’ I admit, memories of Oakley and me in his bed surfacing.
How instinctual sex with him was. How damn good.
‘It was what I always suspected it could be, Remi.’ Blowing out a breath, I look my baby brother in the eye and share the news I’m still coming to terms with myself. ‘Turns out I’m gay.’
There’s a beat where my brother doesn’t respond, simply stares at me as my words sink in. And then his expression crumples, the same pity I saw on Oakley’s face overtaking his.
“Law,” he says, voice clogged with emotion as he tugs me in. His arms are like steel bands around me, and despite my best efforts, my throat catches. “I’m so sorry.”
Not for being gay, I know that. He’s telling me he’s sorry for before. And I am, too. I wish I’d known sooner, not that I can change the past. But I spent a long damn time married to someone who was only a friend. And by the end, we weren’t even that.
I never loved Laura the way she loved me. And maybe that’s not my fault; maybe partly it is. But I am sorry for how long we spent trying to fix something that started out broke, only to lose what little love we had left for one another.
I’d never undo Wendy, not even if I could go back. But maybe Laura and I could have split before things became so tense. Back before we were making concessions neither of us should have had to.
Remi rubs my back, my brother comforting me in a way I’m not sure I was ready to accept before now. He only pulls away when Snickerdoodle reinserts her head between us, the pony upset about being ignored. Remi’s eyes stay locked on mine.
‘I’m okay,’ I tell him, which is mostly true.
I know Oakley is concerned about the repercussions of a revelation like that on my emotional state, but the truth is I’ve had about as much sadness as I can handle.
I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to move past it.
And I’m determined to do so. But Remi, too, looks concerned, so I go on.
‘It was a surprise, but I’m grateful to know.
To have figured it out. I think it took so long because… ’
‘Because you’re ace?’
‘Might be.’
He nods, his hand squeezing my arm, his other on Snickerdoodle’s head before he asks, ‘Do you want my thoughts?’
‘Couldn’t hurt. I’m having a hell of a time trying to make sense of it all.’
His smile is understanding. ‘You mentioned a person’s physical appearance doesn’t draw you in.
So let’s assume, for a minute, you do fall on the ace spectrum.
I think the question to ask yourself is…
Has there ever been someone you’ve wanted to have sex with because it’s them, not because they’re an easy or convenient choice to get off with? ’
He gives me a moment to think that over before he lifts his hands again.
‘If the answer is yes, that might be sexual attraction for you. There’s no one right answer when it comes to figuring out your sexuality, Law. It’s whatever feels right for you.’
I give my brother a slow nod. I suppose that’s the question, isn’t it?
Is Oakley an easy choice?
Or do I want him?
Not just a man but him specifically?
A few of the Silkies cluck as Snickerdoodle’s tail swishes their way, the chickens avoiding her rear end as they scavenge for feed. It’s early enough in the day that no visitors are here, the petting farm empty apart from me, Remi, and the animals.
Oakley asked why I’m still living here when I like my quiet. Moments like this sure don’t hurt. When the ranch is barely awake, and I can sit in peace with my thoughts or even one of my family members. Maybe I never wanted to be a rancher myself, but I don’t hate this place. Far from it.
Is it where I want to be indefinitely? No.
But where else am I supposed to go? I don’t want to build a home for one.
‘Thanks, Remi,’ I finally sign. ‘You’ve given me a lot to think about. In a good way.’
My brother nods, one hand on Snickerdoodle as he answers, ‘Anytime.’
Remi goes back to his work eventually, but I sit for a while longer amongst the chickens.
A minute later, the goats come racing out of the barn, Remi having set the lot loose.
They make a ruckus, one jumping up onto the bench next to me, another trying to engage a now-disgruntled Snickerdoodle who doesn’t want a thing to do with the dancing goat.
I look west, toward the ranch house and the mountains beyond it.
Part of me wonders if I should try dating again. Now that I know the potential is there with men, do I want to find someone for myself? Someone I could start over with. Or, maybe more appropriately, move forward with.
Do I want a partner in life? A romantic relationship?
I’m almost afraid to hope for it.
For now, I have my best friend. I think that’s more than enough.