Chapter 16
Oakley
I wake well before dawn, a habit hardwired into me through years, decades, of ranching. Which means the dark isn’t a surprise.
The man at my front, however, is.
At some point in the night, Lawson and I found our way toward one another. I don’t know if he moved, if I did, or if it was a mutual effort, but my arm is slung over a still-asleep Lawson, my body curled around his big spoon to little spoon style.
I pull in a shallow breath, eyes closing for a moment as I collect my wits. Slowly, I lift my arm and roll to my back, giving the man some space. Without missing a beat, he turns with me, shifting to his other side and attaching to mine, a hand settling just beneath my chest on my ribcage.
Fuck.
He’s still dead to the world, his breaths coming evenly, his hand warm and his proximity the most vicious sort of pleasure.
It’s not that Lawson and I are never close.
We hug plenty, have cuddled before when one or both of us were upset.
Hell, I’ve been inside the man, a recent development I’m still half convinced was a dream.
But for all the years we’ve known one another, slept at each other’s houses, gone camping even, I’ve never once woken up to this.
Is it so wrong to want to pretend it could mean something? At least for a little while?
The first glimpse of sun is lighting the sky a gentle pink through the tiny tent window when Lawson stirs. He inhales deeply, his face rubbing against my chest before his fingers tighten in surprise, the man himself stilling.
He draws back, looking sleep-hazy and impossibly beautiful, his low voice a rumble. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I assure him, missing his touch the moment he leans away and chastising myself for it. “Get enough sleep?”
“It’ll do.”
A door opens nearby, the gentle slam of wood against wood preceding soft chatter. Looks like the campsite is waking.
Lawson stretches with a groan, and I busy myself with finding new clothes for the day. He barely glances at me as I hastily kick off my shorts and underwear, replacing them just as swiftly.
I understand now why it never seemed like Lawson was interested in anybody prior to his relationship with Laura. He wasn’t. At least, not in a physical sense.
I, on the other hand, have a damn hard time looking away from Lawson as he swaps out his own clothes. Every inch of the man is one I want to touch, perilous as that journey would be for my heart. And my sanity.
I’m already in too deep. I know I am.
I tug on a shirt as Lawson zips up his bag. He looks over at me. “Ready?”
Nodding, I open up our tent, and Lawson and I head out.
After breakfast at the camp’s mess hall, the group of kids splits into two groups: those who want to hike and those who want to swim.
Lawson and I are paired with the swimming group, so we change into our trunks and put on sunscreen before heading with the kids out to the lake.
There’s a massive floating trampoline not far from shore, a slide off one end and a ladder up another.
The teens waste no time getting into the water, apart from a few who stay on shore, looking as if they’re readying to sunbathe. Wendy is among those already climbing onto the trampoline, her friend Chloe with her.
I eye Lawson, who’s kicking out of his sandals. “Race you?”
“Where?” he asks slowly, when it clicks. “You’re not getting on that, are you?”
I bounce my eyebrows before taking off. Lawson curses behind me, the sound of his feet squeaking through sand following me as I laugh.
The water slows me down, chilling me in an instant, but I power through, heading straightaway for the floating trampoline up ahead.
I let out the tiniest squeak when the water gets deep enough to cover my crotch.
Fuck, that is cold. Soon enough, my shoulders join the rest of my body under the surface.
Once I reach the ladder, I heft myself up, stopping only long enough to find Lawson in the water behind me. “Beat you.”
“You’re a child,” he mutters, even as a smile lifts the corner of his lips.
Sending him a wink, I finish climbing up onto the float, plot my path, and take off running.
A couple of the kids laugh as I pass, but I don’t worry about whether or not I’m winning cool points.
I get a good bounce going at the end of the trampoline, forward flip through the air, and land in the water with a splash.
When I surface, there’s some clapping. Wendy shakes her head, an amused smile on her face. Lawson is swimming toward me.
“How’d I do?” I ask him.
“You realize you’re forty-three years old, right?”
“Uh-huh. Pretty good for an old guy, don’tcha think?”
“Jesus,” Lawson mumbles, slowing his forward paddle as he reaches me. “You’re not old. Because if you are, that means I am, and, frankly, I’m not ready.”
“You’re pretty spry still,” I assure him, my mind flashing to Lawson kneeling on my bedroom floor.
Him bending over my kitchen countertop. Christ. His leg bent up on my bed as I railed him for damn near an hour.
I clear my throat, my arms keeping me afloat in the deep water.
“We can get old together, how about that?”
I realize how my words sound the second they leave my mouth, but Lawson gets an almost wistful look on his face. “You said something like that to me before. When we were kids. You said growing old wouldn’t mean we’d grow apart.”
“I meant it,” I say, voice hoarse.
He nods, brushing wet hair off his face, a few droplets of water staying on his eyelashes like dewdrops. “I know you did. It’s why I had to bring you home. So you could keep that promise.”
I swallow, the motion causing my chin to dip below the surface. “Are you still angry at me for leaving?”
He makes a short sound. “I told you I wasn’t.”
“I know. It’s just…”
After a beat of silence, Lawson swims closer to me, his expression ever so soft.
For how rough he is at first glance—all dark hair and equally dark if not neatly trimmed stubble, strong features, and height to boot—Lawson has always had a softness about him that’s made me feel undeniably protective. Even when we were young. Even still.
“It was the right choice for you then,” Lawson says quietly, the nearby kids paying us no mind as they call to one another and splash in the water.
“But now, Oak? Now, this is right. You being here. You know it as well as I do. I’m not angry at your past choices.
I’m immensely grateful for your current ones. ”
I have to look away for a moment, Lawson’s words hitting deep in a way he’s singularly capable of. “You’re really happy to have me back, huh?”
“Of course I am. The sex doesn’t hurt, either.”
I sputter. “Jesus, Lawson.”
“What?”
The man’s eyes are twinkling, telling me he knows exactly what. “You’re such a shit underneath all your professionalism, you know that? You remind me of Colton that way.”
Lawson’s face screws up. “I do not.”
“You do. You’re more like your brothers than you realize.”
He grunts, and I huff a laugh at his disgruntled expression.
“They’re good guys,” I note.
He doesn’t deny it. “Told Remi I’m gay.”
The shock of that statement has me paddling closer to shore, in need of a damn footing. Lawson stays with me, the two of us standing once our feet can touch the bottom. The kids are behaving, but I still keep half an eye on them, as does Lawson. An adult on shore is doing the same.
“How are you feeling about that?” I ask, voice low.
“Telling Remi or being gay?”
“Either? Both?”
He shrugs one shoulder. “Telling Remi was fine. I didn’t really plan it. It just happened.”
I don’t have to ask, but I do. “He took it well?”
“Of course. The rest of my family will, too. Once I tell them.”
I nod. “And…your sexuality?”
Lawson is silent for a moment, his eyes on the kids as he takes time to consider his emotions.
It’s something I’ve always found endearing about the man.
The fact that he stops and assesses instead of just blurting out the first thought in his head.
He doesn’t shy away from what he’s feeling, even if, at times, he doesn’t fully understand it.
“I’ve been mulling it over a lot. How I could’ve spent so much of my life not knowing.
But then I realize there were signs, I just didn’t understand them at the time.
I always felt like…like I was chasing something indistinct.
It was just out of reach, you know? But one time with you, Oak, and it clicked.
It was so clear to me, so strong I could practically hold it in the palm of my hand.
It wasn’t a murky sense of maybe, but this, this right here is what it should be.
And now, if I think about going back to what I had before or trying with some other woman, I just…
I can’t even imagine it. It feels wrong on every level, like a betrayal, to contemplate it. ”
“Then don’t,” I tell him firmly, squeezing his sun-warmed shoulder. “You don’t need to put yourself through painful hypotheticals, Law. If you know, you know. Simple as that.”
“It doesn’t feel simple at all. Attraction… It’s so complicated, isn’t it? There are so many ways to want a person. Or not.”
“There are,” I say softly, shifting my hand up to Lawson’s neck before I can stop myself. He doesn’t shy away from my touch—he never has. It makes it difficult to let go, but I do, my hand dropping back to my side. “It feels right, though? The thought of yourself with a man?”
He nods, a slow thing. “It does.”
I don’t want to say the words, not in the least. But I push them past my lips regardless. “Think you’ll try dating then?”
Lawson’s brow furrows, but he doesn’t have a chance to answer me before there’s a commotion that sounds far from playful coming from the direction of the float. We head that way immediately, Lawson’s voice ringing out. “Everything okay here?”
Chloe sends an impolite gesture Koda’s way. The teen is in the water with his buddies, laughing. “You’re a dick,” she snaps.
“Language,” Lawson cautions, using his teacher voice that, weirdly, does things to me. “Someone care to share what’s going on?”
Lawson and I stop at the edge of the float. Only one boy is on top of it, the rest in the water swimming toward shore now, not having stayed to chat. Wendy’s cheeks are red, her friend Chloe rubbing her arm as a few of the other girls hover nearby.
“Just boys being stupid,” Chloe says. “Sorry, Gavin.”
The teen named Gavin shrugs.
“Wendy?” Lawson asks, clearly clocking the situation same as I did.
His daughter’s lips remain shut, and no one else seems inclined to voice a thing, so I clap my hands together once, garnering everyone’s attention. “All right. Let’s head in and break into the ice pops in the cooler. A little shade and hydration will do us good. C’mon now.”
Everyone but Wendy gets off the float. Lawson shoots me an appreciative half-smile, and I nod in return before herding the teens toward shore and some sugar. I keep my eye on Koda as everyone grabs ice pops, the other chaperone reminding the kids to reapply sunscreen.
Lawson and Wendy join us before long, Wendy heading toward the spot where her friends are sunbathing. Lawson meets me at the periphery of the group.
“Well?” I ask. “Do I needa kick the kid’s ass or what?”
Lawson huffs a laugh, but there’s reprimand in his eyes, as if he’s warning me to behave. “Apparently, Koda was making fun of the fact that Wendy is on her period.”
My gaze shoots Wendy’s way. Of course, being seventeen, Wendy is old enough to have a menstrual cycle. I just never thought much about it, likely in part because I haven’t been here the past few years.
I shuffle that guilt off to the side for the time being. “How’d he even know?”
Lawson’s lips pinch. “Guess he saw her tampon string and decided to point it out to the crowd.”
My mouth drops slowly open.
“Oak,” Lawson warns. “You can’t beat the kid up.”
“We sure about that?”
“Very,” he says, tone flat. “I’ll mention it to Liv. She’ll make sure he’s given a warning about his behavior.”
“A warning?” I ask harshly. “What does that even mean? He’ll get a slap on the wrist if we’re lucky and go right back to being an insensitive douchebag?”
“Oak,” he says again, stepping close enough to block my view of Koda off on the other side of the sandy beach area.
My eyes snap to Lawson’s face when he places his hands on my cheeks, gently redirecting my gaze.
“As much as I appreciate your outrage on my daughter’s behalf, you can’t go off on the kid.
He’s only seventeen. And Wendy will be okay. You know she’s tough.”
My gaze slips Wendy’s way again. She already looks relaxed, chatting with her friends as if the incident on the float never happened. But that can’t be an easy thing to discard, having several of her peers laughing at her expense.
Lawson lets out a soft chuff. “You gonna be good?”
“Sure,” I mutter.
He sighs but releases my face, giving my cheek a gentle pat. “You’ve got a good heart, Oakley Beaumont.”
“Uh-huh.”
Lawson shakes his head as he walks away, checking on the group, giving the go-ahead to head back into the water if they’d like. My gears turn.
Maybe I can’t reprimand the kid myself, but there has to be something I can do. For Wendy’s sake if nothing else.
I catch her eye from across the beach, lifting my hands to sign, ‘You all right?’
She nods, shooting back a one-handed, ‘Fine.’
‘Need anything? Chocolate? Advil?’ I pause, racking my brain for an ASL equivalent of nunchucks and coming up blank. I act out the motion best as I can, and Wendy laughs before pressing her lips quickly together, giving me a reproachful look that reminds me of her father.
‘I’m fine,’ she repeats. ‘But thanks.’
I nod, gaze finding Lawson, the man stunning in his swim trunks with his hair still wet and his broad body on display.
I try to ignore the deep well of want that swamps me at the sight of him.
The fact that, despite my question about him dating, I don’t want Lawson experimenting with other men when he has me.
That it’s a terrible, bad idea to even entertain the idea of continuing the casual friends-with-benefits situation that was supposed to be a one-off but didn’t stop there.
The realization, even, that I don’t want it to stop. Not even close.
But all…this? It began as a way to help Lawson understand his sexuality. To make him feel good when all he’d had was a lifetime of not quite right.
I want to make up for every year Lawson spent with Laura. Want to rewrite every touch with my own. I want to give him things I never dared dream of. Cravings that, now unearthed, won’t leave my head.
Hindsight is a funny thing. How, like Lawson said, a truth can be so obvious when it was nothing but murky before.
If only I could see the future as easily as the past.