Chapter 22
MATTHEW
T here was a picture on my phone now of Gigi and Lauren looking up at the double rainbow over the ranch.
If I had questions about whether I should continue pursuing Lauren, that moment clinched it for me.
Not only was I wildly attracted to her, she’d also made a genuine connection with my daughter. How could I let all of that go?
Lauren accepted my invitation to watch a movie with us after dinner, but Gigi was exhausted from another busy day at the ranch.
When she went to bed around nine o’clock, Lauren and I cuddled up on my couch to watch one of my favorites, Shawshank Redemption .
Turned out, she loved it, too. Not that it mattered because we didn’t see past the first fifteen minutes of the movie.
I tried to memorize everything about her—the silky feel of her hair running through my fingers, her impossibly soft lips, the sounds she made when I touched her. Time was moving too quickly, and before I knew it, she’d be back in New York and this would all feel like a dream.
As the movie credits rolled, Lauren pulled away from me, straightening her wrinkled blouse. “Maybe I should go home. It’s getting late, and you have to work tomorrow.”
Lauren wore all her feelings on the outside, even though she thought she kept them hidden. Maybe other people didn’t see them so easily, but I did.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah.” She twisted her fingers in her lap.
“I just wanted to get something cleared up tonight. At the hot springs, you said you were going to miss me, but when I asked you to visit me in New York, you kind of gave me a maybe. It’s okay if this isn’t serious for you, but I’d rather know now so I don’t get hurt. Let’s be honest with each other, okay?”
“That wasn’t about you.” I took her busy hands in mine to stop her fidgeting. “I absolutely want to visit you in New York.”
She smiled and exhaled. “Then why didn’t you say so?”
Nothing was less appealing than telling the woman I was falling for about my failing business.
Before running Silver Sage into the ground, I was a successful contractor who was so in demand that I actually had to turn away potential clients when my schedule got too full.
Occasionally, I still received calls from former clients begging me to take over their renovation projects because the person they were currently working with wasn’t as capable, reliable, or honest as I’d been.
Moving from that level of success to being the owner of a struggling guest ranch was tough on my ego.
“Things aren’t great financially with Silver Sage.
” Talking about it felt like poking a wound.
“If they don’t improve, I’ll have to put the place on the market soon.
I just don’t know what my future holds or where I’ll be living this winter.
That’s why I hesitated. My life is kind of complicated at the moment.
” We both smiled at my choice of words, which mirrored her own when I first asked about her marriage.
I waited for her reaction, knowing this might not be a huge surprise to her. Obviously, the ranch wasn’t close to being fully booked, and our facilities needed updates. She heard about me doing things most resort owners would never do, like unclogging a toilet.
She squeezed my hands. “I hate that you might have to sell the ranch. I know how important it is to you and Gigi.”
“I hope it won’t come to that, but my parents really let things go around here. My siblings and I put money into this place, but it was like adding drops to a leaky bucket.”
“Would you be willing to share what your main issues are? Maybe I can help brainstorm some solutions.” She was the chief financial officer of a successful business, so I knew she wasn’t asking that question casually.
I rubbed the tension in the back of my neck. “Where do I begin?”
I didn’t owe her an explanation, but part of me wanted to talk about everything I’d been holding inside of me for so long.
I started detailing the immediate cash flow problems, then moved on to infrastructure issues, the decline in bookings, and competition from a growing number of guest ranches in surrounding areas.
At first, I was reluctant to open up, but once I got going, it was as if a pressure valve had been released.
I didn’t realize how badly I needed to talk to someone about my problems, someone who would truly understand and hopefully not judge me.
“Thank you,” I said when I finished venting. “I have no idea why you haven’t stopped me before now, but I appreciate you listening to me.”
“I’m happy to listen,” she said. “It sounds like you walked into a minefield of problems and issues, which was further complicated by your sentimental attachment to the ranch. I’m sure you want to keep it going for Gigi, too.”
I hadn’t even brought up the emotional component, but, clearly, she already understood. “It breaks my heart to think about selling, but my siblings don’t feel the same connection to it I do.”
“I can’t believe that. I’ve only been here a few weeks, and I feel connected to it already.”
She always seemed to say the right thing.
“Even Walt is thinking about leaving Silver Sage. I feel like I’m the only one who believes we can keep it going.”
“I’m so sorry, Matthew. Please let me help in any way I can.” She leaned in and kissed me, and for the first time, I didn’t feel like I was in this mess alone.
Thank goodness we weren’t doing anything scandalous because Gigi chose that moment to wander downstairs with drowsy eyes and messy hair. “I had a nightmare.” Her voice was croaky from sleep. “Can I sit with you guys for a few minutes?”
“Of course,” Lauren said before I could tell Gigi I’d take her upstairs and tuck her in. She made space for Gigi between us on the couch and patted the cushion, and my heart swelled to about twice its size with affection for her.
Gigi plopped down between us and rested against me, her little body still warm and relaxed. “I don’t want to leave Loki. Can’t I stay here for fifth grade and you can homeschool me? You could talk to Mom about it.”
It ripped my heart out when she said things like this. Her mom and stepdad would be at the ranch in two days to take her home, and neither of us was happy about it.
“I love that idea,” I said, “except for the part where I try to teach school.”
“So I’ll take the bus to public school,” she said. “And before you say that it’s too hard to get off the ranch in the winter, I’ve already thought that through.” She paused dramatically. “We get a snowmobile.”
Lauren looked over Gigi’s head and raised her eyebrows, silently asking me if I was going to cave in. The choice wasn’t mine to make, unfortunately, because a court agreement stated Gigi had to go back to Denver for the school year.
“I understand you want to stay longer,” I said, “and I wish you could too, but then your mom would miss you. We decided together this was best, but I know it’s hard leaving Loki.
” She was always missing one of her parents, and one of us had to miss her, too.
Divorced parenting sucked, even when the situation was amicable.
Gigi sighed and nestled against me. “I don’t think it’s best for me to leave Silver Sage.”
I looked over at Lauren, who was watching us with soft eyes and a sad smile on her lips. The ache in my chest was nearly unbearable.
“You’ll be back before you know it,” I said. “I get you for Thanksgiving this year, remember?”
Gigi looked unconvinced. “I hate the end of summer.”
It was Lauren’s turn to sigh. “Me too.”
“Me three.” It was the truth. If wishes came true, Silver Sage would stay open forever, and Gigi would move here and live with me full time.
Heck, if I was dreaming, Lauren would be here with us, too, wearing those red cowgirl boots and joining the smutty book club.
Walt would stay on, and I’d be able to hire more staff and fill these cabins.
Wishing wouldn’t make all of that happen though, and reality was quickly closing in on me. Payroll was due and my debts were mounting. Something had to give.
* * *
The following evening, I was feeling nostalgic at the campfire cookout, knowing it was mostly likely the last one for Silver Sage.
The fact that it was Lauren’s first and only cookout, made it even more bittersweet.
As Walt told cowboy tales to the guests, I felt tears gather in my eyes.
How could something so special just go out like a candle? And how could I have let it go?
After I put Gigi to bed that night, I came across the urn in the hall closet containing my mother’s ashes.
Although I had nothing against cremation, it felt strange and a little creepy to have her remains sitting on a shelf between a box of flashlights and a stack of umbrellas.
Long ago, Dad had purchased two plots in a Laramie cemetery where he expected one day to be buried alongside his wife, but it turned out Mom had other plans for her eternal rest. She’d secretly put it in her will to be cremated and spread around the ranch, a fun fact we discovered after their deaths.
My father was one of those husbands who had the final say on everything—head of the household and all of that—and my guess was she felt it would be easier to put her final wishes in a legal document rather than try to go up against him.
The funeral home gave her ashes to me a week after we’d buried our father underground.
By that time, Bowie and Faith had gone home.
Was I supposed to leave our mother’s remains sitting on a closet shelf for years, on the off chance all of my siblings came back here again at the same time?
What if we lost the ranch and couldn’t come back to the property ever again? That was a horrifying thought.
I carefully lifted her urn and carried her outside to the little garden she’d planted under the kitchen window. After looking left and right to make sure I was alone, I started talking to her.
“I’m sorry I’m not doing a great job with the ranch, Mom. It’s not for lack of trying. I wish you’d told me how badly business had fallen off and how you were barely making ends meet. Then again, I imagine you wanted to tell me, and Dad wouldn’t let you.”
A light breeze blew across my skin, and I shivered, even though it was a warm evening. Was I crazy for thinking my mother was there with me in spirit? It sure felt that way.
“Mom, if you’re here, give me a sign.” An owl hooted in the distance, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Stop being a fool,” I muttered to myself.
Then again, maybe that was Mom sending me a message.
This was her home for so many years, and she loved tending to this little patch of earth where she planted her pink-hued hollyhocks and royal purple delphinium.
There were certainly more scenic spots on the property to scatter her ashes, but this was her special place next to the home where she’d raised her children.
Family members could come and commune with her if they wanted to, and that felt important to me. I decided to text Sam for his opinion.
Are you okay with me scattering Mom’s ashes in her kitchen garden?
Samuel
Do what you need to do, brother. Just be careful if it’s windy. You don’t want to end up with Mom in your hair.
I had to smile at what was a classic Sam response to my question.
His irreverence was in no way a reflection on how he’d felt about her.
In fact, being the youngest and having years alone with her in the house after the rest of us had flown the coop, I’d always felt like he and Mom had a special bond.
I’d already started talking aloud to her, so I might as well continue.
“You always loved this little garden, Mom, and I have wonderful memories of you tending to it with such care. This house was your home for so many years that it seems fitting to let you rest here.”
I sprinkled a good bit of her ashes in the garden among her blooming flowers, but there was a lot more of her left in the urn. Should I put the remainders in some other places around the ranch? That felt a little odd. Would I want my remains scattered willy nilly all over the place?
There’s a lot in here. Should I save some?
Samuel
It’s not a chocolate bar. You don’t need to save some of her for later.
Aware of that. Thanks.
Samuel
Sorry. The ranch was her happy place. I think she’d want to be set free.
He was right. What was a more appropriate place for her remains than this land, even if someday it wasn’t ours on paper anymore? She belonged here at Silver Sage, and I’d deal with the consequences of my decision later.
A breeze picked up, as it often did in Wyoming, and I faced in the direction it was moving to avoid blowback.
Her ashes mixed with the air as I shook the urn, floating her away into the night, drifting her all over her beloved Silver Sage.
She’d become one with the dirt and the sky, and that felt completely right to me.
“I promise,” I whispered to her, “I’ll do everything in my power to keep this place in the Hart family. I won’t give up without a fight.”