5. Chapter 5
Aspen
Family dinners are a regular occurrence at my parents’ house.
They’re not always on the same night, but we eat at least one meal together a week.
As a kid, it was always my favorite thing, but I think I love it even more as an adult, a time to come together that’s not about work or the ranch, just time spent together.
I walk up the front steps to my parents’ house and swing open the door.
The smell of garlic and herbs wafts through the room.
My parents are in the kitchen working together, preparing dinner.
My dad comes behind my mom and wraps her in a hug; I don’t think they even know I’m here yet.
Lost in their own little love bubble. If I’ve ever doubted that love is everlasting, these two have proved it truly can be.
In fact, I think they love each other even more now than they did when we were kids.
“Before you guys get weird, I want you to know I’m here,” I shout out before any obscure public display of affection starts to happen. I can hear my dad’s chuckle from the front door as he pulls away from my mom.
“How are you doing, honey?” my mom asks as she opens the oven and pulls out a roasted chicken. I make my way to the bar seating in the kitchen and plop down.
“Pretty good. Whatever you’re making smells great. Do you need any help?”
“Well, now that you ran off my help, if you wouldn’t mind finishing up the mashed potatoes, that would be great.”
“I didn’t tell him to go away. I just didn’t want y’all to get all lovey-dovey while I was watching. I know Dad can get a little handsy when it comes to you.”
She flushes a little and I smile to myself. I hope that someday when I’m married, my spouse and I can be thirty-five years in and still smitten.
I get off the stool and make my way around the counter to stir the mashed potatoes, throwing in some butter and milk.
It doesn’t take long for the rest of the gang to start to pile in. The more years that pass, the bigger the dinner table needs to get. And for the first time in forever, this house is about to have a baby in it. Ava is damn near ready to pop.
The one I always look for at the door is Rhett. He's turned into my safe space. I’ve never really thought of him like that, but it’s hard to deny. We’ve spent so much time together the last couple of years.
He's the first to know about anything exciting in my life, even before my brother or my girls. How we’ve managed to keep everything a secret from him is a miracle. A miracle that stresses me out daily. I’m taking Tums like Pez candy to keep the reflux from my anxiety simmered.
“Everyone make their way to the table, dinner is ready,” my mom hollers out.
I help her carry pots to the table, setting them down on oven mitts to protect the large wooden surface beneath.
Though this thing has been through the wringer.
There’s a huge spot where I accidentally spilled my nail polish remover when I was visiting from college and a few dings from the boys when they roughhouse.
Honestly, it’s probably time for it to go, or for Dad to refinish it.
I take my seat next to Rhett; it’s been thrilling, sneaking in little touches here and there without anybody knowing.
Actually, that’s a lie. I’m pretty sure everyone at this table, minus my parents and brother, knows what’s going on.
“Okay, I’m going to eat. Baby is starving,” Ava says as she rubs her belly and passes her plate to Maverick for him to fill.
Before long, everyone follows suit and has full plates.
I watch Maverick and Ava; his eyes twinkle every time he looks at her. He runs his hand over her bump, and they both grin. A stranger could walk into this room and see that this man is so in love with his wife.
My brother sits with his new wife, and she playfully removes a smudge of potato from his lips. Their smiles are infectious.
My eyes then move to my parents, laughing at a side comment as they watch Ava and Maverick struggle with parenthood. I bet they were living their glory days right now in their minds. When us kids were young and they were trying to figure it all out.
Love is all around me.
I feel a funny twinge in my chest, and I try to figure out why it hurts to look at them.
To watch them be in love and be a family when I’m surrounded by mine.
I haven’t given a lot of thought to settling down before, but I feel the shift wash over me in an instant.
Watching Ava and Maverick, I realize I want that.
I want the family and I want the doting husband.
The normal warm-and-fuzzy feeling I get when I watch my family is replaced by something heavy and sad. I feel a pang in my chest, something awfully close to longing. Maybe even jealousy. Everyone at this table is loudly in love except for me.
Keeping things casual with Rhett was just as beneficial to me as it was to him.
But now I’m wondering: is it worth it? All we are doing is having fun and wasting time.
What if I’m missing out on my happily ever after for my happy for now?
Would that be worth a fallout of Rhett and Weston if he found out?
Would that ruin everything that’s at this table?
The friendship they share would be hindered.
Obviously, we’re both consenting adults.
That’s not the issue. The issue was the lying and the sneaking around for years.
I know Weston would be so hurt not just by Rhett, but by me too.
Rhett’s hand glides over my knee, startling me.
I look over at the man I spent so much time with, and I wonder what it would be like if we bridged that gap.
I’ve thought about it more and more lately.
That small space of distance I had between us, the part of me that was cool with casual, is being crushed into dust.
Would it be worth it then if this is more than just fun? I get a warm feeling in my chest every single time I look at Rhett, but I want more than that. I need more.
It’s funny that I walked into family dinner expecting a fun night, not an existential crisis.
But I think this is a good wake-up call.
It's time for me to grow up. I haven’t been ready for more, but I can feel it now.
I want to be chosen. Being the little sister, I’ve been background noise my entire life.
Always following my brother and his friends around.
But I think it’s time for me to choose myself and not be background noise.
“You okay?” Rhett whispers to me. His hand squeezes my knee and I swear I can feel it around my heart instead.
I clear my throat, smiling for show. “Yeah, I’m fine, but I need to talk to you after dinner,” I whisper back.
He ever so subtly tilts his head back, but he nods.
I try to shake off the restless feeling in my chest and enjoy the rest of dinner.
Luckily, it’s kind of easy to get sidetracked when there’s so much personality at the table.
Ava is almost as sassy as I am, and Willow bosses my brother around, which brings me deep joy.
Being the little sister, he was always bossy to me.
It’s nice to watch him get put in his place. And he does it with a smile.
As dinner finishes up, I help my mom collect plates and bring them to the kitchen sink, rinsing them off as she loads them into the dishwasher.
I can feel Rhett's eyes on me. I always can. He knows something’s up.
That man can read me like a damn book. When we’re in bed and he’s four seconds away from getting me off and knows exactly what to do to get me there?
It’s pretty nice. Right now not so much…
I’m starting to realize we’re tangled in more than just the sheets.
I think my feelings have grown a little bit too much and I need to nip it in the bud.
I say my goodbyes and slowly walk out of the house, knowing Rhett is right behind me.
I get far enough away that if someone wanted to sneak out of the house, they wouldn’t be able to catch our conversation.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Rhett asks as he sweeps a piece of my hair behind my ear.
I blink up at him, trying to find the right words. There is far too much going on in my head for me to even decipher; nevertheless, I try and verbalize, “I don’t really know what’s going on, but I think I want something different.”
“What do you mean?” He furrows his brow.
Wrapping my arms across my chest, I say, “I mean, I think I want what everyone at the table has tonight. A family, a future,” I swallow my nerves before tacking on, “love.”
He noticeably stiffens, not exactly the reaction I was hoping for. I guess a silly part of me thought that he would want to, but he’s been clear the whole time. No strings attached. Just fun. Just friends.
If I had to pick the perfect person for me, it would be the man standing in front of me.
He’s everything I’m not, true opposites in a way that creates a beautiful balance.
Quiet where I am outspoken. He thinks everything through and I act on a whim.
And right now, he’s strong while I am falling apart inside.
With my hands tucked and hidden underneath the ends of my long sleeves, he can’t see me squeeze the material of my shirt as I gather more courage.
“I know that’s not what you want and I’m starting to realize that it is what I want.
What I need. And more than that, it’s not worth it to ruin your friendship with my brother over a fling.
If this were something more, it would be worth the risk. ”
I feel like I’m trying to lure him into saying he has feelings for me, trying to tell him it’s okay to say the rules of our relationship have changed, but he just nods with a grunt. His eyes are downcast on the ground, avoiding mine.
“If that's what you’re wanting then, I think I’m picking up what you’re putting down.”
It’s my turn to nod. My heart aches with the loss. It feels like we’re breaking up, but we were never together. And I’ll never find my person if I stay attached to the hip to someone I have no future with.
“I want to find someone who is capable of loving me and I will never do that if I’m in your bed, so I think we need some distance.
We can go back to how things were…before.
” My words are a little sharp as the pain in my chest begins to flare even brighter.
If he isn’t capable of loving me, I’m going to find someone who can.
“Aspen…” He looks to be a bit pained, but I need to remove myself from this situation before my resolve vanishes. If he wanted more, he would have said it by now, and I have far too much respect to beg him for love.
“Good night, Rhett.” I reach up on my tiptoes to give him one last kiss on his cheek as a final goodbye, leaving a piece of my heart with him.
I walk to my car, only allowing one tear to fall down, fighting the dam behind my eyes that wants to break. Tomorrow is day one of me choosing myself, but today I can wallow with the thought of what I wish it was.