Chapter 2 #2
Creed lifted a brow, “You know I will always worry about you. I’m your big brother. It’s my job.”
I smiled, “You are only three minutes older than I am. I am not a baby Creed. I am old enough to live my own life.”
He shook his head, “You don’t want to live here anymore?”
I put my hand on his arm, “You know I want to be with you, but I also think it’s time to let me live my own life.”
Creed went still, “Don’t tell me you want to date.”
I sighed, “Isn’t that what adults do? Find love and get married? Have kids?”
Creed shook his head, “Not me. I will never date.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist, “You should Creed. There is someone out there that is meant for you. Do you really want to push her away?”
Creed pushed me away, “You don’t know the future Kress. I know there isn’t a girl out there for me. I’m fucked in the head. Dad helped with that a lot.”
“I know Creed. He didn’t help with any of this. But really, are you never going to have a future because of his choices?”
Creed turned his back on me, “It’s not just that. I don’t want to continue our line. What if I get married to a girl and beat on her like dad did to us?”
“Have you ever raised a hand to me?”
Creed looked over his shoulder at me, his eyes going to the small scar I had on my forehead. “You know I did.”
“I know you didn’t hit me on purpose. You never would. Would you hit Grandma?”
Creed’s eyebrows flew together, “No, never.”
“Have you ever in your life hit me when I made you mad when I struggled with math, and you were only trying to get me to pay attention?”
Creed shook his head, and I went on, “I know that it’s hard.
Dad did a number on both of us. You more than me.
And I hate that he still seems to have that hold over you.
Don’t you see how much it bothers me? He isn’t in our life now.
He will never touch you again and shouldn’t be in our choices any longer. ”
Creed shut his eyes, “You are right. I know you are right, but I still feel his fists on my back. I can still see you in the hospital because I put you there. That is what replays in my memory. In my dreams.”
I put a hand to my mouth, “Oh Creed. It was so long ago. I don’t think about that day. I refuse to.”
“I’m glad you don’t think about it. But I won’t forget that day. And to you maybe it was a long time ago. But to me?” He shook his head, agony written all over his face.
“Any time I close my eyes I see that blood on your face. I hear dad’s words, the ones you didn’t know he threw at me that night and I can feel his fists.
How furious he was. I don’t think you know that he broke three of my ribs that night.
It was so hard to breathe for so long, but I deserved it.
I let it happen because I let that fucker touch you.
I knew dad was right at the moment. I didn’t keep you safe and because of that, you could have been really hurt.
I know I hit dad back, but I shouldn’t have. ”
Tears slipped down my cheeks, “Why did you never tell me about any of this stuff?”
“Because I’m supposed to protect you. I have to. Even if it’s because you shouldn’t hear some of the things I went through.”
“I can handle hearing it all, Creed. I grew up in that house too. You may have had to deal with the brunt of dad’s anger, but I heard it all.
I should know what horrors you went through.
I was there for most of them. And you know what?
I don’t want to dwell on them. Our life sucked.
It was something no kid should live with.
I don’t want that to hang over me for the rest of my life.
I want to choose to be happy. To find the love of my life and to have the life we should have had.
I want to give the children I hopefully have one day the life we should have had.
And I want you to be there with me. I want a sister-in-law that I love as if she were my sister.
I want to have babies alongside your wife, and I want to live next to each other with connecting yards.
I want that with you. But you have to choose to let the past stay in the past. Please? Let it go, Creed.”
Creed turned away from me once more, and my heart broke for him. His hands were in fists.
“Creed?”
He shook his head, his back to me still. “Why are you so upset with this?”
“I just have a feeling you are going to tell me something I don’t want to hear.”
“Such as?”
Creed turned around, “Don’t play stupid with me Kress. I know the guy you want to date. Go on. Tell me. Tell me the name of the guy you want to end up with.”
My eyes went wide, and I looked away from him.
“I’m right, aren’t I? It’s him, isn’t it?”
I could only nod, and Creed turned, barely refraining from slamming his hand into the cupboard. “Fuck! Kress, really? That guy? You want that guy out of every fucking guy there is, you chose that guy? He fucking ruined my life!”
I shook my head, tears sliding down my cheeks, “No he didn’t.
Ridge did nothing to you. His team just played better than yours.
He didn’t even know what went on at our house.
How could he have known? What could he do?
Not play? Throw the game? Have someone take his place so that they won regardless of him playing or not?
Then what? Would you hate someone else? Would you be okay with me being in love with Ridge then? ”
Creed glared at me, “He was still there. He was the reason for it all.”
“No, he wasn’t! Our dad was the reason for it all.
It was all our dad. Ridge didn’t do anything wrong.
He didn’t beat you. He didn’t treat you as if you were nothing.
I was there that day too, remember? He let you hit him.
He didn’t fight back until he had to. You could have broken his nose, and you didn’t care.
You didn’t stop! Not until I got hurt. Creed, I hated that day as much as you did.
But for different reasons. I had to let go of the one man I knew was mine.
I never spoke to him again. I still have his number on my phone.
I still read the messages we sent to each other and savor them.
I know each one by heart. I miss him so much, it’s not funny.
But I wasn’t allowed to choose him. I chose you.
I have chosen you for years. I didn’t question it because our family was ripped to pieces.
It wasn’t Ridge’s fault. It was never his fault.
So, I’m taking my choices back now. I choose him. It’s my turn now.”
Creed shook his head, “No, Kress. Anyone but him. I beg you.”
“Why? Why do you want me to choose anyone else than Ridge? Than the man who loved me? Who hopefully loves me still? Why would I want to have anyone else touch me, kiss me?”
“I just can’t see him at dinner with Gran. I can’t see him at Christmas and be okay with him being with my sister.”
“Why? Because of everything I said earlier? I need you in my life Creed. I need to have you there. You are my brother and I love you. I need to love him too, though. I need him. I have always needed him. And I let you come between us for too long.”
“What are you going to do? Leave the squad? Leave me? All for some guy?”
“He isn’t some guy, and you know it. He is THE guy. And I’m not leaving you. You are choosing to let me leave and not going with me. Because you want to hold onto a grudge for no reason. Ridge is a good man. I know it. I have seen it.”
Creed shook his head, “I can’t just let this hate go Kress. That’s not how this works.”
I shrugged, “Then hate him. I don’t care. But you won’t have me in your life. Not now. Is that what you want?”
“Of course not! But I can’t just let it go. It’s not that easy.”
“It is. It really is. I let go of the hatred of our dad. He is fucked in his head and needs serious therapy. But I don’t hate him.
He doesn’t deserve my hate or my thoughts.
Not anymore. I choose to move on and live my life.
It’s time. In fact, it’s past time for this.
I don’t know why I didn’t move on sooner.
Why I ignored Ridge for so long. I’m done.
I hit my breaking point. I want Ridge and I want to be his.
I want him to be mine. So, be on my side and love him as your brother or say goodbye to me. ”
Creed shook his head once more, “Kress. I can’t. I just need time.”
“Then take it now. Our break is coming up and I’m going to find my guy.”
Creed looked away from me, grinding his teeth together. “I will allow it.”
“You don’t allow anything. You aren’t my keeper. You are my brother.”
Creed’s eyes flew back to me, “I only worry.”
“Don’t. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. And Ridge won’t hurt me. He isn’t the sort.”
Creed slowly nodded, “Okay.”
I smiled at him, hugging him tightly, “Good. Thank you.”
He hugged me back, “This isn’t easy for me you know.”
“I know. But it’s time to let the past stay in the past.”
Creed didn’t say anything, and I went up to my room, my heart pounding. I shut the door, locking it, then went into the bathroom and locked that door too.
I pulled my phone out, looking at the messages, I sent to Ridge all those years ago.
Should I message him? Or just go to him? I didn’t date. I didn’t know the rules. Ridge was the only man I would ever see myself with.
I put my phone down, knowing I needed to speak to Ridge in person. And I knew that in a week, we had a break. I also knew that Ridge had moved to Salt Lake.
I didn’t know exactly where, but I knew he had practice at the stadium, so I figured that if I went there afterward, he would eventually have to come out.
I smiled at my reflection. This was happening. I was going to make Ridge mine.
I wanted to talk to Katia and tell her everything, but I was also scared. Ridge was mine. The secret man I held in my heart and soul for so many years. I didn’t want to share him, not just yet. So, I would keep this secret to myself a little longer.
It was time. I was going to get my guy.