Chapter 22
22
brIAN
“ Y ou look like you slept like shit again,” Logan observed.
I narrow my eyes at him over the edge of my coffee mug as he pours one of his own from the carafe, then joins me at the island. His grin is undeterred by my glare. “Thanks, asshole, you look like you slept well.”
“Oh, I did. I haven’t slept that good in years. I’ll have to repeat that night time routine every night from now on.” His smile is so wide now, knowing that this is killing me. I know exactly what he got up to last night. I mean, he and Kelli weren’t exactly quiet. I’m pretty sure I heard Josh in there as well. I might have let a muttered ‘asshole’ slip again before we were no longer alone in the kitchen.
“Good morning,” Kelli's cheery voice pipes in as she heads straight for the carafe, as well. The coffee churns in my stomach. I want to be happy for everyone in this house, as they are clearly finding happiness together, but knowing Kelli is sleeping in someone else’s arms every night and that it’s my own doing cuts like a thousand little knives. I had her in my arms for one night, and for that one night, everything in my world felt right. Now I lay awake listening to her come at the hands of my best friends. ‘This is how it has to be’ is the mantra playing on repeat in my head, as I then watch Josh walk in and kiss her forehead on his way to get coffee.
“Are there any plans today?” I ask to try and distract myself. If only it worked.
“I have been having issues with one of the new cameras I’ve been working on. The motion sensor isn’t syncing up with the rotating base. I really need to put in some hours this week to get it figured out,” Josh grumbles over his coffee mug.
“I need to go into the precinct for a few hours, too. I have a new case that came in last night that they need me to work on.” Logan looks between Kelli and I with mischief in his eyes. “Maybe you two can have a movie marathon on this gloomy day.”
It was downright nasty outside. A storm rolled in late last night and was sticking around, low thunder rolling with scattered downpours. Movies while cuddled on the couch with my favorite girl sounded exactly like what I wanted to do today. “Rock, paper, scissors for who gets to pick the first movie?” That was always how things were decided between us and Danny when we were kids, and Kelli always found a way to win. Logan snickers from beside me and winks over at Kelli. “What am I missing?”
“I conned Logan into foot rubs with that game last week,” she smirks. I can’t help the huff of laughter at Kelli’s remark.
“I don’t doubt that. This girl has a knack for winning that stupid game, but I refuse to give up trying.” Really, Danny and I knew she almost always picked scissors, and we would have done anything for her, so we were constantly letting her win. Still will.
“I don’t have to go in for another hour. I’ll make pancakes to fuel everyone up for their wild days.” I swear, it’s like living with a personal chef with Logan around and I will never complain about it. We all eat together, that hour being spent arguing if games like rock, paper, scissors are chance, luck, or strategy. At the end of it, no one’s opinion has changed, but my stomach hurts from so much laughter.
I saw Logan’s hand slip under the table to give Kelli’s knee a squeeze at one point, but the anger and jealousy over it didn’t feel deep. It felt more like jealousy that I couldn’t do it, as well, and anger that I had made so many mistakes in life that I would never be able to have that. If I was bound to only have little moments with her for the rest of my life, I would relish in those moments.
Before we went downstairs, Kelli used Josh’s phone to call both Danny and her nurse friend, Natalie. I had no idea that he had been helping her keep in touch with them. The smile on her face as she caught up with Danny and they gossiped like schoolgirls warmed me from within. I knew my best friends would be good to her, but I never expected to see such a huge change in them so quickly when it came to her. Especially from Josh, who was sitting in the corner, just watching her with a small smile on his face. I have a front row seat to my best friends falling in love with the love of my life. It was the sweetest form of torture.
Kelli won our game by choosing her beloved scissors and chose a Fast and Furious movie, a favorite from when we were kids. I claimed the middle of the large couch, hoping to sit as close to her as possible. She sat next to me, but was careful not to touch me or invade my space, which felt like another stab to the chest. The first half of the movie, my gaze ping ponged between the screen and her beautiful face until I couldn’t take it anymore. A fuzzy blanket was draped over the edge of the couch, so I pulled it down and spread it over us, pulling her into my side in the process.
One arm draped over her, while the other held her hand in mine on top of the blanket. She let her body soften into mine, her head leaning against my chest, her fingers playing with mine. I spent the second half of the movie just watching her head move slightly up and down with every breath. My fingers made small circles on her palm and the inside of her wrist, loving the feel of her soft skin in my rough hands.
How many times in our childhood did I have her sitting next to me on the couch, under our willow tree, in the car when we drove her home from her soccer games that I took for granted? Her sweet floral scent surrounding me. Her wild blonde hair curled around her face. Her pink, pouty lips parting on a big inhale. I would never take this for granted again. This feeling of utter contentment.
Happiness.
Peace.
Home .
The end credits pulled me out of my thoughts, as Kelli started feeling around for the remote, asking, “Want to watch the next one?”
“Sure, the storm isn’t going anywhere, so we might as well enjoy a lazy day.”
“I want to stretch out, though. Can I lay in your lap?” she asked with a small amount of hesitation.
My breath caught in my throat. I was already pushing the best friend limits by holding her hand, yet I already felt too deep, and I couldn’t keep the words from falling out. “Stretching out sounds good. Do you want to be the little spoon?”
Her soft smile radiated through me, making my heart rate pick up. “Always,” she beamed.
We snuggled back onto the couch together, her small body cradled by mine, my arm wrapped tight around her. My past, present, and future all should have been wrapped in with her. Even now, she saw me in a way no one else did. Yesterday, at our target practice, she knew I was on edge. She knew I was struggling with my fears of not being able to keep her safe. So, she stayed out there with me until my anxiety felt manageable. I didn’t have to talk about it, I just got to be present with her. I got to watch her make shot after shot onto our makeshift targets until the knots in my body started to release. She waited for that change in me, never once complaining that we were out there for hours.
There was something about being able to be seen without having to be heard. My desire to be with Kelli would never diminish. The ebbs and flows of the sea would never relate to my feelings for her. My love didn’t wane. It didn’t falter. It hid in the depths of my soul where I couldn’t let it out. Couldn’t let it float to the surface for fear it would drown her and drag her down into the darkest depths of me. Kelli was all things bright, I couldn’t risk dimming her with my damaged soul.
“Thank you for spending the day with me,” my voice came out gritty.
She turned around to face me, our legs tangled together. “I love spending time with you.” Tender hands reached up to lightly scratch along the stubble on my neck and jaw, stunning me into a trance. “I wish we had a willow tree here. Maybe then you would finally let me in.”
My eyes closed, relishing the feel of her warm hands on me. “That always was my favorite spot. Something about sitting beneath its long branches, hidden from the world, made it feel safe.”
“I’m going to close my eyes with you, and we are going to picture ourselves sitting beneath that tree. Safe from the world.” Her fingers moved from my face to clasp our hands together between us. “Let me in, Brian. Please.”
“Promise to keep your eyes closed?” Her head nodded against mine. “When I went back overseas after that week home with you, I was on cloud nine, and I was sure I was never coming down. I wouldn’t shut up about you and our plans. Those next few weeks of us talking every day, I put so many plans into motion that I never got to tell you about. There was a down payment put on a house that Danny and Alex later bought from me. There were emails to a custom jeweler. Kelli, I saw our future so clearly, and it was a sight to behold. I meant every word when I told you that I was coming home to you.
“Then the incident happened. It was all my fault. I was in charge. I planned out the route. It was my responsibility to keep my team safe, and I didn’t. I know you’ve heard bits and pieces of the story and have seen Josh’s scar on his thigh. That day broke me. As a man, as a soldier, you are not supposed to show emotion, to let things break you down. Josh, Logan, and I have been fighting against that stigma since. Josh had his nightmares, I have faced some PTSD and carry the guilt around with me like baggage. Logan took online classes to learn about healing with trauma to help us and those in our squad. I thought that I would heal like everyone else. But I learned that I didn’t deserve to heal. Caleb lost the love of his life that day because of me. I deserved to be half the man I was, to never find true happiness, to never be solely responsible for someone’s safety again, to remain broken.
“Immediately after, I couldn’t reach out to you with everything going on. As the days and weeks passed, I couldn’t reach out because I didn’t know how I would explain it to you. How you were planning your life with a failure of a man. You are so good, dove. I knew you would stick it out with me, no matter how unworthy I was. You deserved more then, and you deserve more now. Eventually, avoidance just became easier than facing you and telling you the truth. That I could never be the man that you thought I was. That I was undeserving of your love, and that you were better off without me.”
Tears were streaming down Kelli’s face when I opened my eyes. She sat up and looked at me with pain and anger radiating in her watery, blue eyes. “You don’t see it, do you? You stupid, stupid man. Of course I would have stuck it out with you, I still would. I’d still choose you now, a hundred times over. The reason you aren’t the man you were before, the reason that you can’t give me all of you, or half of you as you think, it’s all on you. You are the one holding yourself back. You are the one not letting yourself heal. You are to blame, but not for the ambush, because that is what it was. That is not something you are responsible for, it’s something that only one hurt man blames you for. But you are to blame for not having happiness. Don’t you see the only thing holding you back… is you?” Her chest was heaving as the words spilled from her mouth.
“I am right here, Brian. Right. Here.” Her words are accentuated with slaps to her chest. “We could still build that beautiful life together. The four of us. But, you won’t let it happen. Yes, you were right the other night. I do need my best friend right now. So, be my best friend, Brian. Be the best for me. Don’t I deserve that?”
The knot in my throat is so tight, the sting in my eyes turning to a burn as the first hot tear slips free. “I’m so sorry, Kel. You do deserve the best, but that’s never going to be me.” Why couldn’t she see that she needed protection? Protection that I couldn’t be trusted to give? She needed an all-consuming, all-encompassing love that my blackened heart wasn’t capable of anymore. I would give her everything, but it would never be enough. I laid my soul bare to her, and for the first time, she didn’t see me the way I did. “I am here for you. For everything else. I just can’t love you the way you deserve.” The tears flowed freely from my eyes now as my heart shattered its last few pieces.
“I’m sorry, too, B,” she rasped through her sobs as she walked away from me to a place I knew I couldn’t follow. I know letting her go is the right thing for her, so why did it hurt so damn bad?
Kelli didn’t come out of her room for the rest of the afternoon, and wouldn’t open her door when I knocked on it with lunch. I was considering leaving it at her door when Josh stepped out of his room and nodded for me to follow him in. His desk was littered with wires and small camera parts, so I sat on his bed not willing to risk bumping something. “What’s up, man?” I asked, putting the plate onto his nightstand.
Shutting his bedroom door, he turned to me and gestured for me to stand up. I had a feeling I knew where this was going, but I did it anyway, a glutton for punishment. I was doubled over before I could even take a step toward him. I slunk back onto the bed, clutching the side of my gut where he had landed a hard blow. “I guess I deserved that,” I rasped out.
He stood there in front of me, arms crossed over his chest, while I tried to fully recover my breath. “I don’t want to get in between the two of you, but I won’t allow you to hurt her, either. You said you were going to be her best friend. Friends don’t cause pain like you caused her today. She sobbed on my bed for an hour before I could calm her down. I didn’t ask what happened, and I won’t, but you need to do better,” he gritted through clenched teeth.
The pain in my gut was throbbing; I forgot how hard he could punch when he wanted. “I told her everything. She called me stupid.” My laugh lacked humor, but his didn’t. I hated the fact that I was the reason she was upset. Josh’s punch was the least of what I deserved. “How do I fix it? You guys told me I needed to be honest with her and I was.”
“Well, first, you accept that you are stupid. In her jumbled cries, I heard ‘bought a house,’ ‘ring,’ and ‘selfish, stubborn idiot’. You thought that was the right time to tell her you bought her a house and were designing a ring?” He shakes his head at me, and my shoulders slump, knowing he’s right. “You have to give her time. You essentially told her she wasn’t worth the effort from you to get over your issues. I know you don’t see it as that, and you think you have to be alone to pay your penance or whatever, but be real, man. She is worth every damn thing in the world, including you getting over yourself and loving her the way she deserves. Hell, that means one more man I would have to share her with, so you know I am not telling you this for my benefit.”
“It’s because she’s worth everything that I can’t darken her soul with mine,” I mutter.
“Her light can’t be darkened, it shines at every depth.” He shook his head at me again. “You’ll figure it out one day, I just hope it’s not too late. I’ll make sure she gets her lunch.” With his back to me, he sat at his desk and got back to work, dismissing me. I left the plate with him and went down to the gym to punish myself some more.
I didn’t join them for dinner that evening. I wasn’t sure how much time Kelli would need from me, but I was sure their dinner would be better without me there. My home was becoming her home, too, which was all I ever wanted. My best friends were becoming her best friends, and she was being fiercely protected by them, even if it was from me. They were falling in love with her, and it had only been a few weeks. Her warmth, her selfless heart, her beauty, her humor, her vast knowledge. She was a different caliber of woman than either were used to, and they were quick to fall under her blinding light. Not that I blamed them, I had been struck by that same light my whole life.
Lying in bed, I tried to force myself to sleep, so I didn’t have to hear her cries of ecstasy tonight. I wasn’t proud of it, but I had gotten myself off to those sweet cries every night since she started sleeping with Josh. There was no world in which I could let myself have that small piece of her tonight after the cries of heartbreak I had put her through this morning. Just my luck, though, their sleepover seems to have moved to Logan’s room just across the hall. I know it wasn’t intentional to torture me with; it was probably because he had the biggest bed. It hadn’t slipped past my notice that the sleepovers had gone from two to three participants last night, though. The moans floating through the walls were much closer and louder now.
Rolling over to the other side of the bed, I tried to block out the noise and not picture what was happening across the hall. Kelli’s whimpers still managed to drift into my room, turning my cock to stone.
Josh’s deep voice followed, “Open your eyes, pretty girl, watch as he devours you”. My mind immediately pictured Kelli spread out on the bed for them, Logan eating her like a man starved while Josh watched. Her pretty rosy nipples hard and waiting to be sucked. I still haven’t seen her fully naked, but I already know she has the prettiest pussy. She comes on a cry, shouting Logan’s name and my dick throbs with the need for relief.
A cold shower is definitely needed after that, but before I can get out of bed, they start all over again.
“Did he get you ready for me? Be my good girl and get on your hands and knees,” comes Josh’s voice, full of gravel. Fuck, I can’t leave now. My hand doesn’t listen to my head and pulls down my boxers to grip my hard length. “Open up for him, Kelli,” Josh continues with a low groan, which I know means he has sunk into her tight heat. I really try not to picture it, Kelli on her hands and knees with Josh fucking her from behind while she sucks Logan. Precum drips from my tip as I make slow strokes along my length.
“This mouth, baby girl, god damn,” Logan grunts. Her pouty lips would look so perfect wrapped around him, and I suddenly want nothing more than to walk in there and watch. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m going to come,” Logan sputters out quickly, followed by a loud groan. Imagining it’s her lips around my cock now, I pick up the pace of my strokes as I visualize her blue eyes watching me while swallowing me down.
“Hands down,” Josh continues, as I hear a loud crack where he must have spanked her ass. Kelli’s moans come out muffled now, where she must be face down in the mattress. Her juicy ass in the air with a handprint on it is all I can see now as my balls start to draw up. “Come for me, Kelli,” Josh calls out with another smack as Kelli shatters, her muffled cries setting me off. Josh’s grunts follow my own as I spill onto my stomach.
Shame beats down on me quickly, embarrassed to have listened and gotten off to them without their knowledge. I was weak, my desperation for crumbs of their relationship just pathetic. I cleaned up, crawling back into bed with a pillow over my head in case they went again. This was my future as long as Kelli was here. I needed to get over it, stat.