Safe With Us

Chapter 33

33

brIAN

A n hour after Kelli was discharged yesterday and the guys left with her, I was ambushed. Alex handed me a tablet that was on a video call with my old therapist and walked out of the room saying to let him know when I was done.

“What have you gotten yourself into now?” Krystal jokes. She has been my therapist for the last four years, but I haven’t had a session with her in about eight months. I felt like things were fine and I didn’t need to see her anymore.

“Got shot saving my girl. You know, your average Tuesday,” I quip back. I have always been honest with her, but I left it a little surface level, never willing to dive into the depths of my thoughts with her. She knows all about Kelli and my feelings for her though, as it was half of what we talked about in the past.

“I love that you can find the humor in your situation, but I’m sure that was terrifying. I cleared my schedule and I am not getting off this call until we work through every deep, dark thought in that head of yours. It’s time we wade through and unpack your baggage. You have a busted shoulder; you can’t afford to carry it around anymore.”

She isn’t wrong. If I want a shot at fighting for Kelli, I can’t do it with a mile of baggage and broken feelings dragging behind me. “I’m still in love with her. If I need to let it all go to be with her, then here we go. I feel guilty for leading my team into an ambush. I feel guilty for Ashley getting killed and Josh getting injured when I walked away without a scratch. Despite that, my biggest regret is walking away from Kelli. I feel guilty for the way I left her. I am scared that I’m not enough for her. I’m scared that I will tarnish her with my darkness. I’m scared I can’t keep her safe. Most of all, I’m scared that if I lose her again, I will never recover.”

Krystal’s infamous pink pen pops out with her folder. “That’s a good start, Brian. You better set this tablet up somewhere comfortable, we are going to be here for a while. We have talked circles around your guilt with the ambush in the past, and nothing changed your feelings on it. I’m going to try a different approach this time, okay? Do you think Kelli should feel guilty that you got shot?”

“Hell no!” I practically shout. “Why would I think that?”

“She’s the reason you were there. You wouldn’t have been in that house if it weren’t for her.” Krystal’s face is blank, like this is a normal line of thinking. It’s not. “If you don’t think she should carry the guilt, then you should feel the same toward yourself. Everyone in your convoy signed up to join the Army. They did that knowing they would deploy and be put in life threatening situations, and yet, they did it anyway. You made decisions based on the information made available to you. There is no blame in that situation. Just like with Kelli. You walked into that house knowing you would probably be in a life threatening situation, yet you went. In both cases, someone out of your control made a choice to incite violence. That is on them and them alone.”

Holy shit. I understood the comparison. “Okay, doc, I see what you’re saying. That doesn’t mean all that guilt and baggage is gone, though.”

“No, Brian, it doesn’t. But it does mean you have people to share the load with. Give some of that guilt to Caleb. Give some of it to the terrorist group that ambushed you. And everyday, try to give them a little more to carry, because it should be on their shoulders, not yours,” she explains.

“So, I just need to share the load. It’s really that simple?” This feels like a literal head scratch moment. How did I not understand this during my first three years of therapy?

“Essentially, yes. I’m not going to ask you to completely get rid of all guilt because I know you won’t. Now with Kelli, maybe you can work on atoning for your guilt on how you left her by owning up to it and trying to move forward. You sit in your feelings too much, not allowing them to evolve. It’s a trauma response, but one you need to let go of. I get it, you left Kelli to live her life and you feel terrible. Great. You told her, so now it’s time to move on and fix things. Tell me about what happened with her when you got shot.”

“We found Caleb holding her hostage in his home. Seeing her crumpled on the ground, unsure if she was dead or alive, is an image that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything but pray we weren’t too late. A part of me welcomed the thought of death when I lunged at Caleb, because living in a world she wasn’t in would be a pain far worse than death. Seeing her in my hospital room yesterday woke something up inside of me. I saw the strength radiating from her. Because of Caleb’s anger toward me, she was stalked, kidnapped and beaten, and she was sitting there with fire in her eyes without an ounce of anger towards me. She didn’t need me to protect her, she is fierce enough on her own.”

Krystal’s face lights up through the tablet. “Now we are getting somewhere!” Krystal and I talked for four hours, diving into every thought and feeling that I had. She asked me why I was taking my therapy more seriously now. It took a moment of thinking, and I was thrilled to say it was for Kelli and the guys, but at the same time, it was equally for me.

When Alex came back to the room that afternoon, we talked for hours as well. He called me an idiot, which isn’t surprising. He has been calling me one for years. He opened up to me about how his first year on the job, his actions got his partner shot. He made a full recovery, but he felt a lot of guilt over it before he came to the realization that people will always make mistakes. We will all mess up, but it’s about what we do with those mistakes that matter, and that I was being a pussy about it. Leave it to him to always call things as they were.

I thought Josh and Krystal’s talks had been a lot, but Alex’s made the biggest impact on me. “I have an opinion on the relationship between you and Kelli that I need to get out.”

This should be good. “Spit it out then.”

“You have this habit of looking through things with only one view, and it hinders you in a lot of ways. You felt a need to protect Kelli, which I don’t fault you for, but it was the wrong kind of protection.”

“The hell does that mean? There’s only one way to protect someone.” My voice comes out a little angrier than it should but Alex isn’t bothered by it.

“Kelli has been fighting for herself for years. She fights to be the best in her career. she fights for what she wants out of life, hell, I’ve watched her knee a guy in the balls at the bar because he put his hand on her waist when it wasn’t wanted. She has the strength to protect herself from anything that comes her way. She needs a safe place to land after being the bad bitch she is with everyone else, day in and day out. That’s what she needs from you.”

He is insinuating that I have let her down in the way she really needed this whole time. She loved me and wanted me anyway, even though I was too bullheaded to see that she was a force on her own. Alex pulls out his phone and shows me a photo of the medical examiner’s report for Caleb to really drive the point home. The note at the bottom essentially said that he would have bled out from the stab wound and that the bullet just got him there quicker. Kelli had already saved herself before we even got there, she never needed us to save her. She just needed our love.

“I see it now, I see her.”

He takes his phone back and fixes me with a ‘duh’ stare. I didn’t want to go one more day without being able to call her mine. I had been a selfish prick for years, breaking her heart little by little. I have a lot of work to do in order to mend those pieces and show her that the boy she loved can be the man she deserves. I have always loved her enough, I just thought that meant I should let her go. Now I could see that loving her enough meant also respecting her enough to make the decision for what she wanted. All I could do now was work every day to be a man good enough for her.

Alex makes a call to Danny that evening to check on everyone at home before making himself as comfortable as he can on the cot Josh slept on last night. I am surrounded by people that love and support me, and for once, I feel like I am opening myself up to it. After adjusting the pillows around my shoulder, I drift off to sleep, dreaming of getting out of here and seeing my girl tomorrow.

“Hey, jackass, wake up. I got us breakfast,” Alex says as he walks back into the room.

My eyes feel heavy, but the smell of bacon and coffee can always get me out of bed. I try to lean up as pain shoots through my chest and down my arm. I wince, grunting through the pain as I lean back against the bed. Kind of forgot that I was still in the hospital. Alex is standing at the end of the bed, shaking his head at me, coffee tray and a bag of food in his hands. “Thanks, asshole, what’d you get?”

“Breakfast burritos from a café down the road. Hospital food is shit. Kind of don’t want to give it to you, though; you kept me up all damn night with your grunting and groaning.”

“He wouldn’t be groaning if he didn’t refuse the right pain meds.” My doctor walks into the room at that moment, interjecting in our conversation. “How are you doing today, Brian?”

“Ready to get out of here, doc.”

He pulls on some gloves, checking my shoulder and pursing his lips at my scrunched face. “I really think you should stay another day. You lost a lot of blood, and you should be taking the medication we give you.”

“Look, doc, I’ve got a nurse girlfriend at home that will take great care of me. Tylenol is plenty fine for the pain, and I’ll continue to take the antibiotics. Please, just let me go home. Any issues or concerns and my girlfriend will drive me straight to the ER. Promise.”

“Okay, I will go get your paperwork started. You better take it easy, I don’t want to see you back here.” As he strides out of the room, I look to the bag of food, avoiding Alex’s knowing stare.

“Girlfriend, eh? Does she know that?” He asks, putting our coffees on the table next to my bed before pulling out two wrapped burritos and handing me one. I don’t have to answer that, he already knows the truth. It’s him and Josh I have to blame and thank for this anxiety pulsing through me over the thought of getting home to Kelli.

“She will,” I finally reply around a mouthful of amazing burrito. “Can we make a stop on the way to the house?”

Three hours later, we are pulling up to the house as Danny comes out to help. “Hey brother, how are you doing?” He wraps me in a careful hug before opening the trunk. His loud whistle tells me I might have bought enough. “How much did your dumb ass spend?”

“Almost a grand,” Alex unhelpfully tattles as he starts filling his arms with flower vases. Danny chuckles, shaking his head as he grabs some more, following Alex into the house. I can only grab one because of the sling on my left arm so I’ll have to send them back out to grab the rest. This might be cliché, but Kelli has always loved fresh flowers. She used to go through the neighborhood with scissors when we were kids, cutting flowers from people’s houses and making bouquets for my mom’s kitchen.

She was out on the deck, wrapped in Logan’s arms when I walked into the house setting the vase on the dining table. They were wrapped in their own little bubble out there, oblivious to the world. Josh was sitting on the couch, grinning at me like an idiot.

“So, the conversation went well with Krystal?” He smirks.

“Was it the twenty vases of apology flowers that gave it away?” I snark back. He walks over, clasping my good shoulder and giving it a squeeze.

“About damn time, brother. Now, go get the girl.” He nods to the patio. “Take her out to the beach, I’ll get this all set up for you.”

I slide the glass door open, Kelli and Logan turning at the sound. Her bruised face lights up with her stunning heart stopping smile as she takes me in. She is up in seconds, rushing over to me, wrapping her arms around me as I breathe her in, my right arm holding her tight.

“I’m so glad you’re home.”

Home.

With her, I am home. She has always been home to me, I just have been too stupid to see it. “Take a walk with me?” I ask, slipping my right hand into hers as I lead her out toward the water.

“Good luck!” Logan shouts after us like the dickhole that he is, knowing smirk on his face. We walk in silence until we get to the water’s edge and sit in the Adirondacks that Kelli moved out here for us. She was always doing little things for us, fixing things to make our lives easier and better.

She tries to pull her hand from mine as she sits, but I just move the chairs closer together so I can grab her hand again. Her nails have a pretty pink polish that I’m pretty sure my brother painted on last night. He has been painting her nails for her since they were ten. She stays quiet, looking out at the lake, waiting for me to say what I need to say.

“I’m so fucking sorry, dove,” I blurt out. “I have so much to apologize for, but I want to start at the beginning. I don’t know if you remember, but when you were nine, I found you sitting under our tree, spitting mad. You told me that a boy in your class made fun of you for not having a dad around and pushed you down. You said that you got up and socked him in the gut before storming off and crying in the bathroom. I was furious, wanting to make him pay. I vowed to myself that from then on you were mine to protect and I was going to do a damn good job at it. I always thought that was what you needed, someone by your side to protect you.

“I was so wrong though. You protected yourself then, and you’ve been doing it since. You need someone to be there for the after. To hold you when you cry, someone to just be by your side through it all,only stepping in when you ask for it. You needed a safe harbor. A soft place to land. It took me way too long to see that. If I would have just listened to you from the beginning, I would have known that. I’m so sorry.”

Her blue eyes glittered in the sun, shining so softly on me. “You have always been my safe harbor. You were the one I went to when I needed to sit in my feelings. The one I could express everything to and you listened with no judgment. That tattoo on your side killed me because the evidence was right there for you to see, you just never looked hard enough. You have always been by my side. You have always been what I needed, until you weren’t.”

“You have spent your life fixing people. You are so selfless, holding everyone’s hand through their hurdles, both in your private life and at work. I didn’t want you to have to be that for me. I didn’t want to be one more thing for you to have to fix.” Emotion lays thick in my throat, admitting that to her.

Her small hand reaches up, fingers brushing over my chin. “Oh, Brian, you were never broken. You were hurt, but again, you looked at it wrong. It is my job to help people through their hard times, but I do it because I love it. It’s what I’m good at and how I show my love. Can’t you see that? That I wanted to help you because I love you, and that’s what you do for those that you love.”

“I love you so much, Kelli. I am so completely and wholly in love with you. You are the sun that my heart orbits. The tree roots that keep me grounded and steady through the storms. The other half of my soul. My turtle dove. I know I have caused you years of pain and heartache that I can never make up for, but I promise I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying. If you’ll let me.” She is off her chair and in my lap in a flash, her soft lips pressing to mine.

“I love you, B. I have loved you in some way most of my life. I won’t lie and say that the way you have treated me is okay. You’ve hurt me, but I want to move forward. You’ve carried so much pain and anger for so long, it’s time to share that load. I want to be with you. With all of you. I’m a package deal now.”

I held her close, feathering kisses on her lips. “I know, baby. They have been my brothers for years, but you have been mine for longer. It feels right to be together, all of us. Our own family. I still have a lot of guilt to work through; the kidnapping made it worse. But, I am working on it and I will continue to. You deserve the best, and we want to give it to you.” She snuggles into my chest, my fingers grazing over her shoulder and arms. It hurts to see the marks on her skin, but fuck if it doesn’t also amaze me. Kelli personifies strength. She brought men to their knees, literally and emotionally. Spending the rest of my days worshiping at her feet with my two best friends was a better future than her and I had originally planned.

I had years of groveling and heartache to make up for, but I would happily do it. Sitting here with her in my arms, knowing she is ours to love is the most at peace I have felt since that night in her apartment four years ago. Knowing the guys are inside rooting for us and setting up flowers for me is the cherry on top.

Dropping a kiss on her head, I mutter into her hair, “I have something to show you inside.” We walk back toward the house, where I can already see they have gone above and beyond. Rose petals begin at the steps of the deck leading into the house.

“What are you guys up to?” She giggles next to me. Fuck, I love that sound.

“I got a few apology flowers. They clearly decided some were better on the ground than in vases,” We walk up to the house where she slides the door open, stepping inside. Vases cover every possible surface that we can see. The dining table, coffee table, side tables, even the mantle above the fireplace is covered in flowers. Standing in the middle of it all is a smug looking Josh and Logan with Danny and Alex sitting on the couch holding ridiculous grins.

Kelli stands there stunned, taking it all in before slowly turning around to face me. “This is a few flowers?” I can’t help my own stupid grin as I nod down at her. Her bottom lip starts to quiver, tears gathering in her eyes. “I love you,” she leans on her toes to press her soft lips to mine.

“Fucking finally!” Logan shouts.

“Get a room!” Danny hollers.

“Only if I get to watch,” Josh adds.

“Gross, that’s my brother and best friend. I don’t need the details,” Danny chokes out.

All the while, Kelli melts against me, her lips smiling against mine. I push her hair to the side leaning down to whisper in her ear. “I can’t wait until we’re both healed. If you think Josh and Logan make you scream, just wait until you have all three of us.” A soft whimper leaves her lips as goosebumps spread over her skin. Now I am thinking of all the other ways to make her whimper. There is no way we are making it the two weeks my doctor suggested. I look over her shoulder to Josh and Logan, their hooded eyes telling me they are thinking the same thing.

“Okay, enough sexy stuff. Can we play a game or something? Alex and I leave in the morning.” Danny gets up from the couch, heading for the basement in search of a game to play. “Also, I want pizza for dinner!”

My shoulder is killing me, and I consider that I might have overdone it a little today. I follow Kelli up the stairs, trying not to let her see the pain written on my face. “Sleep with me tonight?”

“Oh, hell no, you don’t get to come in here and steal her night one. If you want to sleep with her, you sleep with all of us,” Logan whines from behind me.

“We won’t all fit on one bed. Plus, I have to be careful with my shoulder, I can’t risk one of you trying to snuggle up on me,” I say as an excuse.

“Can we get an Alaskan king bed? I bet we could all fit on one of those!” Kelli’s excited voice asks as we get to the landing.

“Not tonight.” Josh kisses her head, walking straight to Logan’s room. “Kelli’s with us, you know, since you can’t risk snuggles.”

Kelli looks between us, a small smile on her lips before her eyes land on mine. “Are you hoping for sleep, or are you trying to get me in bed?”

“Both.” Might as well be honest. They’ve had her for weeks while I had to listen, and it’s been torture, even if it was my own fault. I can’t go one more night without knowing what she feels like wrapped around me.

Josh backs out of Logan’s room, eyebrows raised. “Alright, everyone in,” he grins as he points at Logan’s room. It’s like the air is sucked from the room when we cross the threshold. “Strip. Brian, you’re on the bed,” his deep voice commands the room. It has been too long since Josh and I shared a woman. I have a dominant side, but there is something about being told what to do by him that turns me on.

Kelli is the first to get naked, helping me take off my sling and clothes. I sit there completely useless, trying not to swallow my tongue at the sight of her. She is fucking stunning from head to toe, with perfect perky breasts and dusty pink nipples that beg to be sucked. Her bare pussy makes my mouth water at the thought of tasting it. Unaware of my inner freak out, she carefully pushes me back onto the bed to wait for Josh’s next instructions.

“Logan, lay next to Brian, Kelli’s going to ride your face. Show our boy what he’s been missing.”

“Oh, fuck yeah.” Logan hops on the center of the bed. “Have a seat, baby girl.” Kelli climbs up over his body, seating her thighs on either side of his face before fully sitting on him. The groan that leaves him as he gets his first taste is thunderous. Kelli gyrates over his mouth, rocking her hips on his tongue. Her hands cup her breasts, pinching her nipples, head thrown back in ecstasy, as Logan swaps between piercing her core and flicking her clit with his tongue.

Josh stands at the end of the bed, watching. “Kelli, how about you give Brian a taste? He’s waiting so patiently.” She looks down at me as she reaches between her thighs, swiping her fingers through her glistening pussy. I thought she was going to feed them to me, but instead, I watch with rapt attention as she paints those fingers across her own lips. She leans down, pressing her slick lips against mine. My tongue darts out, licking her honey off her lips.

“Fuck, you’re so sweet, baby.” I pull her head down further against me, plundering her mouth with my own. The wet sounds of Logan devouring her spurs me on as Kelli turns to putty between us. I can feel her body shaking as she nears her climax. She sits up suddenly, screaming out in ecstasy as she floods Logan’s mouth with her release. Watching Kelli come might be the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. I want to watch her break apart between us every day for the rest of my life.

Josh helps her off of Logan’s grinning face, his stubble wet with her release. “She’s ready for you now, B. Are you clean?”

“What?” I ask, confused.

His eyes bore into mine. “We’ve been taking her bare, are you clean?”

I can’t get my answer out fast enough. “Yes, I’m clean.” I’m finally going to feel Kelli’s tight pussy squeezing my cock, and with nothing in between us. There is no way in hell I am going to be able to make this last. Kelli’s lithe little body crawls over the bed to me as her eyes go wide. I guess she didn’t pay attention to my cock when she helped me undress earlier. I use my good hand to stroke my shaft, “Like what you see, baby?”

I don’t consider myself massive but I know I have a big dick, as thick as Josh and longer than them both. Kelli nods, her eyes never leaving my cock as she moves between my legs to take me in her mouth. Her tongue swirls around the tip, licking the precum from the slit. “Holy fuck, Kel, you gotta stop or you’ll make me come. Sit on my fat cock.”

“She’s got such a filthy, hot mouth, doesn’t she? I swear she sucks my soul out through my dick every time,” Logan laughs.

Kelli’s coy smile tells me she knows exactly what she does to us. With her legs on either side of me, she lines herself up, impaling herself on my hard-on, stopping a few inches in. “Shit, you’re tight. Relax, baby, you can take me.” She takes a deep breath, circling her hips until she starts sliding down the rest of my erection, finally seated to the hilt. I hold her hips in place, needing to breathe for a moment before she moves. Her pussy has a death grip on my cock already, so I start a grocery list in my head just to distract myself.

“I need to move, B. Please.” Kelli grinds her hips into me, unable to stop herself.

“I love when you beg. Lean forward, love.” Josh smacks her ass as she carefully leans over me, her tits rubbing against my chest, her arms holding her up on either side of my head. I watch as he hands Logan a bottle of lube. Kelli continues grinding herself over my cock, dripping onto me. A cap pops open, followed by her pussy squeezing tighter around me as Logan begins fingering her ass.

Kelli moans out his name, sweat starting to slick over our skin. “She loves being shared, doesn’t she? Every time you add another finger, she squeezes me so tight.” Her pussy flutters around me, and clearly, she loves when we talk about her like she isn’t here, too. I feel Logan remove his fingers, and notch himself at her back hole. I move my hand up to stroke her face, coaxing her through, “Breathe, baby, let him in.”

Kelli whimpers, her body quivering as Logan slowly pushes himself into her. “Fuck, it’s so tight. Your fat dick fills her so well.” He grunts out. Once he is fully in, he slowly starts to move, fucking into her ass.

“You okay, baby?” Josh asks from the other side of the bed. She looks at him with lust filled eyes, nodding. “Such a good girl, taking them both. Rock yourself between them, Brian can’t help you this time. Fuck yourself on their cocks.”

She preens at the praise, starting a gentle rock between us. Logan and I both groan as she fucks us together. “I’m not going to last long, baby,” I pant out.

Josh crawls up to my side, sitting on his knees. He taps Kelli’s cheek with his crown. “Open.” She turns her head to the side, sucking him down eagerly. “Fuck, that’s my good girl.” He grabs her hair at the nape of her neck holding her head in place. “You keep grinding those hips, driving them wild. I’m going to fuck your face. I’ll be gentle this time.”

She smiles around his dick, picking up the pace of her hips. Watching Josh’s cock disappear into her mouth, spit dripping down her chin while Logan fucks her ass is enough to set me off. My orgasm barrels down my spine, my seed coating her pussy in hot ropes. My orgasm sets off Kelli’s as she screams around Josh’s dick, strangling our cocks. Logan follows quickly behind, spilling his cum in her ass. As her body shakes between us, Josh’s hips sputter, grunting out his release into her mouth. Before she can move, he grabs her by the throat pulling his spent cock out.

“Open,” he growls at her. She does, showing him her mouth full of his cum. “Good girl, let me feel you swallow every drop.” He squeezes her neck tighter as she swallows all of him. My own spent cock stirs at the sight.

Logan slowly slips out of her, then helps lift her off of me. They all fall onto the bed, tangled limbs and sweaty bodies. We lay there catching our breath, enjoying the post orgasm haze still flowing through all of us. Eventually, Josh gets up to start the shower before coming back into the room.

“I’ll make sure she’s in your bed tonight,” he says as he picks her up, carrying her to the bathroom with Logan not far behind. I roll off the bed heading to my room not even bothering to get dressed or grab my clothes. I slide into my bed, setting up pillows to keep my shoulder still through the night. Kelli’s soft footsteps cross the hall as she enters my room and crawls into bed next to me, snuggling into my side.

“Thank you for tonight. I can’t express how I’m feeling, just that I am utterly consumed by you. I love you so much.” She kisses my chin before snuggling back down into me.

“I love you too, B. Thank you for making me feel complete.”

Her soft breathing echoes around me just a few short minutes later. I still can’t believe I allowed myself to think that staying away from her was the best decision for us. I will never be able to forgive myself for all the pain I have caused her, but for her, I will do my best to move on. She is my beginning, middle, and end; I just wrote the extended version of our lives. Having her in my arms, in my bed, loving her out loud would now be my greatest joy. I kiss her wild curls, pulling her tighter into me, following her to sleep. I get the first full night of sleep since the night she moved in.