Chapter 3 #3
That was a lie. I cared, but it felt good to not have to worry about any of that right now.
Eventually, the cameras would find me. They always did.
Eventually, I would have to honor the contract with the clause that turned my entire existence into a brand.
It all rested at the back of my mind like a constant reminder not to ever be too happy.
I took a deep breath before sliding out of bed.
Kannon’s shirt practically swallowed me whole, but for some reason, I loved the idea of wearing something that belonged to him.
My bare feet were cool as I padded across the hardwood floor, following my nose to the kitchen.
After the night I’d had, I could use some coffee.
I found Kannon pacing naked in the living room with his arms folded across his chest. Kannon was so majestic that I was frozen in place.
He looked like perfection with the cords of his muscles stretching and flexing under his dark brown skin as he moved.
Warmth started at my center and started to spread to my face as I watched him.
I felt like I was intruding in on something sacred, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away.
The tightness in his shoulders bothered me. Either he heard or felt my presence because he looked back. I almost didn’t know what to say. “Thank you for last night” felt stupid. “Sorry I made you fuck me silly and make our relationship weird” was more appropriate. Both statements felt like a trap.
“Good morning,” he said, voice gruff and indicative of him being up all night long, fucking my brains out.
“Morning.” I finally breathed as my fingers curled against the hem of his T-shirt.
I wanted to tell him that I didn’t regret last night.
In fact, I loved it. Still, in a way, I did regret it.
Now things between us were different. I could feel the shift in the air.
I wasn’t ready to acknowledge what that meant when I didn’t even know what was waiting for me when I left his house.
I didn’t want to drag Kannon into my shit.
For a while, neither of us spoke. We stood there staring at each other in an awkward silence for a little too long, before his eyes slowly raked down to the place where my fingers lingered. They roved back up to my mouth just as my lips parted.
“Um, about last night,” I blurted before I lost my nerve.
“Yeah?” His brows hiked like he was bracing for the impact of what I would say next.
“I-I don’t regret it. I hope that’s not what you’re thinking.”
His jaw ticked, but he shook his head. I didn’t know if I bought it. “Nah.”
“Now where are your clothes?” I asked, finally cracking a smile.
“In my closet. I don’t wear clothes while I’m home. I really didn’t think about it. I’ll throw something on if me being naked bothers you.”
It did, but not in the way that he was thinking. “It’s your house. I’ve seen you naked now.”
“I made coffee.” He changed the subject.
“I smell it. That’s what made me drag myself out of bed.”
“I didn’t know how you liked yours, or I would have poured you a cup.”
“Thank you. I hope you have eggs. I’m craving an omelet.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever made an omelet.”
“You don’t have to. I’m famous for my omelets.”
He chuckled. “Is that right? I could have sworn you were famous for something else.”
“Nope. It’s the omelets. All you have to do is point me in the right direction, and I’ll get on it.”
“Shit, I’m not gon’ argue with that. I don’t have too many people coming over and volunteering to cook. Come on,” he said, motioning with his head for me to follow him further into the kitchen.
With his back to me, I could think a little clearer. “Kannon, I don’t regret last night, but I know it was a mistake. I apologize for putting you in that position.”
If I weren’t standing right behind him, I wouldn’t have noticed the way his shoulders hitched slightly at my statement. Still, he nodded.
“You don’t have to apologize, Carrie. I’m a grown man. You’re right though. It was probably a mistake.”
Somehow, I knew we were both lying. The thickening of the air told me all I needed to know.
The only thing I regretted was saying that what we’d done was a mistake.
I had never felt so connected to someone while also being so turned on.
I was looking at Kannon differently, and I didn’t like it.
He’d always been sexy and commanding, but now there was a new layer to him that I couldn’t quite put words to yet.
“If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I was worried about protecting you from them when I should’ve been protecting you from me.
You were drunk and high. I should’ve . .
.” He shook his head and turned to face me.
“I’m sorry for not showing more restraint, Carteay.
I never want to be anything other than a source of peace and comfort for you.
I’m not a predator. I swear I’m not that guy. ”
“Kannon, I—” He held his hand up, stopping me mid sentence.
“The pots and pans are down there. Everything you need should be in the fridge or on the counter,” he told me.
“Kannon, don’t do that. Don’t make things weird between us, because I don’t regret what we did. I wanted it. I asked for it. I knew exactly what I was doing.”
I wanted to add you tied me up, and I still felt safer than I had in as long as I could remember, but I didn’t.
I wanted to tell him all the differences between what we did and what I had to do with Cyrus.
Everything in my life was a performance these days.
I wanted Kannon to know that last night wasn’t a performance.
He’d seen a side of my life that no one else had seen.
I didn’t want him looking at me as a victim.
I wanted him to see me as a woman who was full of passion and love for the right man.
I wanted him to see me choosing my own fate for a change.
I wasn’t sure how to convey that message.
Kannon had seen the messy, inconvenient truth of who I was.
That was far more disturbing than a night of the best sex I’d ever had.
“I knew what I was doing, Kannon,” I repeated for good measure.
“That don’t make it right.”
“That doesn’t make it wrong either. Nothing that happened last night makes me weak, none of it.”
He dropped his shoulders and sighed. “I know you’re not weak, Carteay.”
For some reason, his words wrapped around me and loosened the tightness in my shoulders and chest. Weak was the word Ceasar and his minions had used when I refused a photoshoot with Cyrus after finding a woman’s panties on the passenger side of his car.
Weak was what they called me when I told them the man they’d forced me to date had his hands around my throat because I didn’t want to suck his dick on the tour bus. Weak was what they wanted me to be.
They thought the turmoil made me a better artist. Hardship and heartbreak made me write better songs and sing with more passion. My struggle made them richer. It made us all richer, but at what cost?
“Nobody protects me, Kannon. No one gives a fuck about my problems because I’m the pretty, famous girl that has it all.
No one wants to hear about my problems or how my day went.
You listen to me. You care about me. I know you do.
I apologize for the way things happened last night, but I don’t regret it.
I’m not asking you for anything, Kannon,” I said, dropping my eyes from his so that I could finish.
“I’m not asking for promises or forever.
I’m not even asking for another night. I just needed to do something for me.
I just needed to feel like I was making my own decisions for a change.
I needed to do that with somebody who actually values me, somebody who really sees me. ”
I lifted my eyes back to his waiting gaze in time to see the single bob of his Adam’s apple. “I see you, Carteay.”
My eyes lowered from his just a second before I laughed. “This is the first morning since I can remember when my phone didn’t wake me up ringing off the hook with a ton of messages about what I’m supposed to do today. It’s kinda nerve-racking but peaceful at the same time, if that makes sense.”
He nodded. “I get it.”
“Thank you for bringing me here. You didn’t have to do that.”
He shook his head like he was offended that I would even say that, but he didn’t confirm it with words.
“Let me get out your way so you can make those world-famous omelets.” Before he left, his eyes dropped to my wrists for a beat like he wanted to ask if they were sore.
They were. “I have some oil that I’ll put on your wrists after breakfast,” he said before walking out of the kitchen.