Chapter 18
“Is this okay?” Yejun asked for what had to be the third time since leaving the hospital less than an hour ago.
Nix might have found it endearing if not for the fact that he was a bundle of misfiring nerves trying to concentrate on the task at hand. He hadn’t wanted to leave the hospital, but they’d been assured West was out of the woods, and Lake had stayed behind so…
None of the others could do this, meaning Nix had to be the one at the Roost searching for information on Hendrix via West’s phenomenal setup. The guy had access to all of the CCTV cameras in the city, all major and minor gateways leading in and out of the city, and even a few private ones in popular hotels and businesses.
“It’s not like either of us had a choice,” Nix replied, clicking away at the keyboard as his eyes darted between the three screens. The hospital staff were only allowing family into the ICU at the moment, and since Lake had technically been adopted by Demitrious, he was able to convince them to give him entrance.
Nix and Yejun weren’t so lucky.
“I couldn’t exactly come here on my own,” he continued. And not just because he didn’t have a car. He wasn’t an idiot. Having pissed off multiple Order members, it’d be suicide to walk around alone. “We agreed we’d try to get back to how we were, remember?”
They were alone together, really alone, for the first time in a while. The rest of the Roost was quiet, the weather being suspiciously clear so not even the background music of rain could help cut through the awkwardness.
“How’s your face?” Nix asked then, not wanting to give off the impression he was uncomfortable around the Demon. It wasn’t that precisely, it was more like he didn’t know how to react. A part of his subconscious was still afraid and on edge around Yejun, while the other part recalled how good it’d been before that horrible day.
Yejun pressed a thumb against the corner of his split bottom lip and winced. “It’ll heal.”
“Thanks for jumping in like that.”
“No one gets to hurt you, Firebird. My only regret is I didn’t get there sooner.”
“I don’t know what I would have done if he’d shot you both…”
“Hendrix is a coward. The only reason he shot West is because he knew West could snap his bones and contort him into a pretzel without breaking a sweat. He let fear get the best of him. Now he’ll suffer the consequences.”
And there would be consequences.
The club was hunting Hendrix down with their own resources, but considering how little they all trusted the Order, Lake and Yejun had asked that Nix still give it a shot.
“What exactly is it you’re doing?” June crossed his arms and leaned in, careful not to get too close to Nix.
“Running a facial recognition search,” Nix explained. “If he’s left the city, he should have been caught on camera somewhere. I’m also checking through social media platforms for mention of him. People like to gossip.”
“Have you found anything yet?”
“Unfortunately,” he sighed, “no. It’s true people like to talk, but Hendrix isn’t as well known to the younger generations. Now, if I was running a search on you, for example, the hits would be astronomical.”
“But an old man who runs a company no one can even pronounce the name of?” Yejun grunted in understanding. “Yeah, okay. At least if he was attractive, we’d get something, right? I have no idea where Beck gets his good looks from.”
“Was his mother not pretty?”
“She was all right.”
“Ouch. Don’t hold back on my account.”
“I’m not,” Yejun said. “Beck’s just fortunate to end up with the features he did. Speaking of…” He trailed off for a moment and then cleared his throat. “Don’t take anything he said or did to heart. Beck cares a lot about West. He was worried and panicking, that’s all.”
“Of course,” Nix nodded. “I like Beck. He’s been nothing but nice to me and, from what I’ve seen, he legitimately cares about making Lake emperor despite his potential claim to the throne.”
“He’d have to go through his father and convince the Order first,” Yejun replied. “Too much trouble. Beck is actually fairly simple once you get to know him. He can be secretive, sure, he was a Demon and is an Essential, after all, but he’s got his own issues and traumas to deal with.”
“Secretive how?” Nix was only partially curious. Mostly, he wanted to keep the conversation going to fill the silence.
“If he’d confessed to West, his reaction out there wouldn’t have caught you so off guard. I thought for a moment you were going to tear his hair out,” Yejun chuckled.
Admittedly, when Beck had pushed Nix out of the way after West had been shot, his first instinct had been to react physically. But he’d held himself back, reminding himself that Beck had known them a lot longer, and Nix still didn’t fully understand how deeply their bonds went.
Hearing Yejun’s explanation though had him frowning and twirling in the chair to better face him. “What are you talking about?”
“You haven’t noticed either?” June rested a hip against the edge of the desk. “Beck has the hots for West.”
“No,” Nix blurted before he could help it, “he has a crush on you .”
Yejun’s expression turned perplexed. “Huh? Where’d you hear that from?”
“West told me. He sounded pretty sure.”
“No way,” he shook his head. “Beck and I have discussed his feelings for West in detail. I’m positive he has a thing for him, not me.”
That was…confusing.
“Could he…like you both?” It wasn’t completely out of the question. Didn’t Nix feel that way about the Demons? Judging solely from Beck’s reactions earlier, it did seem like Yejun had a point, but that didn’t change what Nix had been told. West was many things, but a gossip wasn’t one of them. He wouldn’t have mentioned it at all if he hadn’t been certain.
“No, I definitely would have noticed if he liked me,” Yejun began, only to falter when Nix gave him a meaningful look. “…Wouldn’t I have?”
Nix heaved a sigh and shook his head at him mockingly. “I can’t answer that. This is clearly something the three of you are going to have to figure out once West is back on his feet.”
Which shouldn’t be too long from now. The medical staff at the hospital were top in the galaxy, and knowing they were working on one of the Demons, they’d apparently pulled out all of the latest tech and gone above and beyond with patching West up. Seeing both Lake and Yejun calm after they’d been given the report had helped alleviate Nix’s worries.
“There’s nothing to figure out, Firebird,” Yejun disagreed. “We’re both already taken. Poor Beck, no matter which of us he likes, is going to have to come to terms with that on his own.”
“Since you’re friends,” Nix said, “you should help him.”
Yejun’s shoulders stiffened noticeably. “I’ve been meaning to bring something similar up to you, but there was never a good time for it.”
“No time like the present.”
“I’m done sleeping around. For good. And—” he held up a hand when Nix opened his mouth, “please don’t tell me that you’re fine with me fucking other people. I really, really hate that. Every time you said it, it was like you were sticking a knife in my gut and twisting the handle.”
“That’s…odd.” Nix leaned back in the seat and inspected him. “Who are you, and what have you done with Yejun Sang?”
“Funny.”
“I’m serious. You’re the one who kept telling me you wouldn’t stop being a playboy, remember? I simply accepted your terms, June.”
“I was wrong. I don’t want you to be okay with it. I want you to want me back as badly as I want you.”
Nix’s traitorous heart leaped at that. “How…badly do you want me?”
“I can’t even get it up for anyone else,” Yejun confessed.
“Seemed to manage that just fine with Lake the other day.”
“Yeah,” he snorted, “because it was Lake and you were watching. I went back to the Roost after that and jerked off five times to the mental image of you blowing your load all over West’s chest.”
“I should have let you come.” Nix could have ordered Lake to return the favor after Yejun had blown him, but he hadn’t. As soon as he and West had gotten off, the two of them had rushed to take care of the fresh bitemark, leaving Lake and Yejun to their own devices. It hadn’t been a conscious decision…but it hadn’t exactly been an unconscious one either. “Part of me wanted to keep punishing you.”
“You’ll never have to use that video against me,” he swore. “If you want me to do something, all you have to do is say it and it’ll be done.”
“And if I mess up and the Order decides to share the video in an attempt to hurt me?” Nix asked. “They’ll see it’s you and Lake that were filmed. You’ll be the one put on blast. Sure, they’ll come for me, but—”
“No one will hurt you,” Yejun cut him off, voice turning deadly in an instant. “I’ll kill anyone who tries.”
Nix shivered and Yejun’s face fell. “That’s not…I didn’t have that reaction because I’m scared of you, June.”
“I know that you are.”
“Yes, but, on some level I’m beginning to understand you won’t hurt me.”
“Again.”
Nix hummed. “Yeah. Again. But if you do, I’ll rent the largest projection billboard in the city and broadcast that video of you sucking Lake off to the entire planet on repeat. Try being a respectable artist with everyone whispering that you’re the emperor’s bitch behind your back.”
“I doubt the public will be so considerate as to only name call from afar,” Yejun drawled. “What about you? Has the gossip died down about the painting?”
“You guys took care of that from the beginning.” He’d only heard a few whispered rumors and caught a couple of glances as of late. The room at the gallery showing had been packed, but there’d been less than thirty people there in total. Their multi-slates had been confiscated and all photos taken of the painting had been deleted. “You threatened to expel and ruin the lives of anyone found talking about it, remember?”
Say what you wanted about the Demon, but he was protective.
Not just of other people, but also of himself.
“About what I said at the hospital,” Nix began tentatively, unsure how to proceed.
“What did you say?”
“How I understand better where you were coming from after you caught Branwen hurting West. I meant that. I can’t imagine…If it were me, I would have done worse than merely lock her up and interrogate her. Honestly, now that the shoe is on the other foot, I’m actually grateful you held yourself back so much.”
Yejun looked uncomfortable. “Nix, I kept her up for days with loud music, made her piss in a tiny bucket in the corner that I never changed out, and withheld food and water. As badly as I want you to keep thinking I wasn’t horrible, I don’t want to lie to you. I wasn’t kind to her. In fact,” he wrung his hands in his lap, “the more I think about it, the more I’m certain I had something to do with her death. Maybe not directly, but I was definitely part of the reason.”
Nix had known that. Branwen had felt abandoned and hopeless when she’d chosen to take her own life. She must have been humiliated and truly believed there was no one left she could turn to for help.
“I broke her down and stripped away her dignity,” Yejun continued when Nix didn’t immediately speak. “Since I was the one who caught her in the act, I’m also the reason she became useless to the poisoner. Whoever that person is, they—”
“We’re all responsible for our own actions,” Nix stated, “no matter the reasons behind them. Branwen chose to get into bed with the poisoner. She chose to target the three of you, to play along and pretend to be your friend.” He blew out a breath and rubbed at his temples, a headache starting to form. “She chose to write me that letter and get me involved even though being here was what caused her to give up. She was no saint. None of us are.”
It'd be so easy to put all the blame and anger on Yejun. To take his offer to do so and hate him. To mourn and rage and go on pretending like Nix hadn’t discovered who his cousin truly was in life.
But just because it would be easy, didn’t mean it would be right.
It didn’t mean it would fill this void in Nix’s chest, or make going on with the knowledge any more or less easy. At the end of the day, Branwen had opted to leave him and the rest of the world behind. Nix needed to accept that he wasn’t as important to her as she’d been to him.
He needed to accept that he wasn’t even mad at her anymore for sending him to Foxglove.
That he wouldn’t give up the Demons for anything.
That his assimilation into their fold was no longer survival-based. Nix wanted to belong with them. To them.
He wanted Lake, the stoic, overbearing next in line for the throne.
And West, the flirty genius with a penchant for eliciting pleasurable pain in the bedroom.
And Yejun. Nix still wanted Yejun. Flaws and scary tendencies and all. He wanted quiet talks in the art room and sensual touches as he was posed over a platform.
He wanted connection.
“I always thought I was better off alone,” Nix said softly. “That I didn’t need anybody. I had Branwen when something was on my mind, and I had the memories we’d made together as kids. That was always good enough. Before I met you three. She thought she was sending me here to clean up her mess, but what she really did was introduce me to all the things I was stubbornly missing out on.”
Like friendship.
And love.
“I’ve never fully given myself to another person before, June. That wasn’t even something I believed myself capable of. But in a short amount of time, you three have clawed your way past my defenses and slipped into my bloodstream.” He reached for him then, taking one of his hands, the heat from the Demon's body sending electrical currents up Nix’s arm.
“I hate her for hurting you,” he admitted, guilt and regret bubbling to the surface, swallowed back down as he forced the confession out. “If she were still alive, I would take your side, and that both pains and terrifies me because for all my life, Branwen was everything I had.”
Her betrayal tarnished some of those precious memories, true, but not all. He could still choose to remember her as that bright and sunny girl who’d chased after rabbits in the fields with him. Who caught glowing twinkle bugs in glass jars on warm summer evenings at his side. Who cheered him on whenever he was studying or the self-doubts crept in.
“Branwen loved me,” he concluded. “Even if she chose herself in the end, I know she did. And I loved her. But,” he squeezed June’s hand, “now I have you three. What I feel for the three of you outshines anything I have ever felt for another person, even my cousin. I’m sorry that she hurt you, Yejun. I promise that I will only ever give you one hundred percent of my true self. I promise to only ever be honest with you. And, maybe together, we can both heal the wounds she caused.”
Branwen and the person he’d been with her was his past.
The Demons were Nix’s future.
He’d do whatever it took to keep that future alive.