Chapter 10 Dane #2
“I got nothing to say to her.” I slurp up another mouthful of ice cream, buying me time to think while Connor asks his inevitable follow-up.
“Why?”
That bite was a mistake. I groan through the brain freeze. “What did Thalia tell you?”
“All she’s told me is that—” He stops himself, like he’s unsure about sharing with me one of his and Thalia’s conversations. But the conversation was about me. I deserve to know.
“What? What did she say about me?”
“All she said is that your mom didn’t think she could handle you, and that you needed to be with your dad,” Connor says. It’s the most milquetoast explanation imaginable. Even so, it’s almost too much to bear.
“Doesn’t matter,” I mutter and shake my head. “I won my match. Why are we talking about Lori? Finish your ice cream. I think the Snake Den is coming up. That should be fun.”
“Maybe you could reach out to her, and—”
“I don’t want to.” I pop to my feet and find a garbage bin to toss my half-finished cone.
“I’m sorry.” Connor’s standing now, wearing a pout as sweet as the soft-serve melting to soup in his cup.
Sighing out my tension, I say, “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I’m fine. Did you get any good pictures?”
“Uhh, maybe. Haven’t checked them out yet.”
“Let’s look.” I nod to the camera bag on his hip. The one the security staff searched through to make sure it’s not a weapon of mass destruction. I take his ice cream trash and toss it all while he fishes his camera out. When I return, he hands it over, wearing one of his uncertain smiles.
It’s already in album view, and the first photo is the most recent.
I seek through the lot in reverse chronological order, reliving the exhibits we just experienced through Connor’s POV.
I click all the way back to this morning, to the photos he took right after the Aztecs clinched our second win of the season.
It’s bizarre seeing myself this way. Elated and light as air.
I click through the rest until I segue prior to my match, to photos of all the other things Connor finds fascinating about life. Things besides me. Sunsets and sunrises, strange artifacts littering the city streets, and other people doing mundane things out in public. Stalker.
“Seriously,” I tell him, “you should publish a book, or have a show, or something. I bet you could find some rich people who’d wanna decorate their vacation homes with your pictures.
I can see it now…my face hanging on the wall of a rich dude’s pool house overlooking the chaise lounge where he fucks all his Grindr dates. Ain’t that the dream?”
Connor’s face turns red as a bashful chuckle gusts from his smile. “Dude, I dunno how you stay in the closet when you’re so fucking gay.”
“Ha!” I bust up laughing so hard Connor has to catch me before I topple over. But it’s not a big mystery. People think with their biases more than their heads, and we all believe what we want to believe about each other. “You might be the only person in my life who sees who I really am,” I say.
Shifting his eyes from my face, he stares out at the sea of people and asks, “When did you know you were gay?”
“Hm, I dunno. Forever? I think it’s in my DNA. Or maybe I was delivered by a really sexy man-doctor, and that imprinted something in me.”
Connor laughs like I want him to, but as I think back on my childhood, all I want is to get as far away from those memories as possible.
“C’mon.” I grip his shoulder and coax him along with me down the path. “Let’s go see some snakes.”
When Connor and I finally get back to the house, my beloved family is in the middle of dinner, and Artie glares at me from the table.
“Won my match!” I announce, as if that will soften the blow of my disappointing presence.
“Congratulations!” Joss cheers.
“Connor, where were you?” Thalia pushes out of her chair, looking totally peeved. “I’ve been texting you. I was starting to think you got in a wreck.”
“We went to the zoo,” he says, his voice so innocent that it makes my tummy feel fuzzy. Also makes it difficult not to giggle, especially when Thalia treats him with increased exasperation.
“The zoo? Why were you at the zoo?”
“For fun, I guess. Look, I got you a flamingo.” He walks her the pink plushie he bought from the gift shop, and those fuzzies in my tummy turn to acid.
She mutters a thanks, not even grateful.
“Come eat something!” Joss waves me over, but I stop next to Connor and plant my hand on his shoulder, marking my territory.
“Smells great, Joss, but Connor and I had dinner at the park. We’re gonna go play some GTA in my room.”
“Ew, no,” Thalia sneers at me before looking to Connor. “Let’s watch a movie or something. I don’t have any plans tonight.”
“Uhm…” Connor looks between my sister and me, lips pressed tight and his forehead striped with worry lines.
To make matters worse, Artie’s grating voice enters the mix. “Some of us are having a meal!”
“Sorry, Daddy,” Thalia chimes in that God-awful baby voice.
As much as it kills me to concede, the last thing I need is more drama. I slip my hand from Connor’s shoulder and tell him we can play GTA another time. “I’m pretty wiped anyway. We’re still on for the gym tomorrow morning, right?”
“For sure,” Connor promises with a lot less caution.
Joss bounces in her chair, insisting I come eat, but I’m dying to hit the sack. Connor leaves to get a shower, and I relent to my stepmother, sit beside her, and pile bread onto my plate.
Across from me, Thalia retakes her seat and points a distasteful look my way.
“Connor’s been a big help to your game,” Artie says, peering at me with slightly less vitriol than I’m accustomed to.
I put on a cordial face while stuffing it with zucchini bread. Mouth full, I mumble, “Like you said, he’s a champion. Knows his stuff.”
Thalia butts in to belittle me like it’s her job. “Just hope you’re not taking advantage of his generosity. He’s doing a really nice thing for you.”
“Took him to the zoo, didn’t I?”
“You should train in your spare time,” Artie chides me next, “or study.”
“All work and no play, Dad. Don’t want me turning into an axe-wielding psycho-killer, do you?”
He pays me a dull look, and I take it as my cue to scram.
“Scrumptious bread, Joss.” I fist an extra slice in a napkin and break from the table, shouting out, “Goodnight!” so they know not to bother me.
Alone in my room at last, I crawl into bed for a two-hour nap that disorients me when I wake up and find it’s nine at night.
Then I jerk off to real-couple porn and wonder what it’ll be like when I’m finally one half of a couple.
After that, I boot up Grand Theft Auto to take my mind off the loneliness.
It’s nearly midnight when I emerge from my room, but it’s only to slink into the bathroom to piss and do a lazy job on my teeth.
I don’t lock the doors, and Connor creeps in while I’m scrubbing my teeth with my soft-bristle toothbrush.
“‘Sup?” I mumble with a foamy mouth.
“You mind?” He nods toward the toilet while shutting the door behind him.
I shake my head, and he goes to relieve himself.
“I was about to burst,” he says after hitting the flusher.
To give him space at the sink, I spit and rinse quickly, then step aside.
Watching me in the mirror, Connor turns on the water faucet and says, “Thanks for today. It was really fun.”
“You headed to bed?” I ask, just to keep talking to him. He’s in plaid boxers and a t-shirt, socks but no shoes, which is what I imagine he sleeps in.
“Yeah.” He lathers his hands with herby soap, making them all sudsy and fragrant. “Thalia’s already asleep.”
“You didn’t fuck her, did you?” The question pounces from my throat before I can swallow it down.
Connor freezes with his hands under the water, staring at me in the mirror with a stunned expression. When all I can do is stare back, it takes an agonizing moment for Connor to shake his head.
It takes another agonizing moment for my heart to decide to believe him.
“Okay. Nighty-night.” I turn behind him and squeeze him around the chest, trapping his arms so he can’t shove me away before I smooch his temple. Then I slip back into my room, sending a long enough glance at the mirror to catch Connor blushing.