Chapter 15 Connor #2
But I’m not well. My stomach is especially unwell, twisted in knots and making me regret eating that toaster waffle.
I’d never really had a secret until I met Dane.
He propositioned me on that beach, and I didn’t tell Thalia—a small secret that I rationalized as keeping Dane safe.
Then, there came bigger secrets that I brushed aside as mistakes or bodily confusion brought on by loneliness.
As soon as I kept one secret, another spawned from it, and now all these secrets have amassed themselves into one that leaves me on the verge of puking.
The only thing keeping me out of a total tailspin is how beautiful that secret is.
My heart goes nuts when I spot him heading toward the Aztecs sideline with the rest of the team. Beautiful indeed, in his black jersey with red piping and a big 14 on the back beneath the name Calvo.
I notice everything about him. Not anything more than I noticed before, but after last night, I understand my feelings for what they are—for what they always were, maybe even from the very beginning.
I love the way he walks. Long strides and a confident saunter, not quite a strut.
I love the way he smiles, crooked and smoldering, as Randy talks his ear off.
I love the way he rakes his fingers through his hair to make the curls fluffier.
I love the memory of how those same fingers touched me last night.
To think I had taken Dane’s interest for granted for months, not realizing he’d be the one to change me irrevocably.
“We’re not staying until the end, right?” Thalia asks once she’s sat beside me. “I’m starving.”
Before any words can pass my lips, Dane’s head turns far enough that our eyes connect.
A new smile stretches across his face—a smile just for me—but it lasts only a single Mississippi second before his expression morphs into what looks a hell of a lot like scorn.
Brows furrowed, mouth pinched in a tight frown, and his body stiff.
His angered eye-roll is something I’ve seen plenty of times before, but I don’t understand it now.
Why is he mad at me now, after I spent the whole night with him? Isn’t that what he wanted? He said he wanted me—that I’m the only one he wants. He called me baby and ate my ass, so why is he looking at me like he wants me dead?
“I bet you breakfast Dane finds a way to embarrass himself before this thing is over,” Thalia says, nudging my shoulder and snickering under her breath.
Oh, fuck.
Realization hits me like a wrecking ball to the gut. I spent the night with Dane only to bring Thalia to his match. How could I be so stupid? I’m not thinking straight, in more ways than one. It’s making me reckless, and I’m hurting people I care about. I’m hurting the person I care about most.
Fear consumes me. I hunch my back and shove my hands into the front pocket of my sweatshirt in case Thalia tries to hold my hand.
I don’t deserve the affection. Honestly, I don’t even want it.
The only person I want touching me is Dane, even if it’s a hard shove while telling me to fuck off. That I would deserve.
“He’s been playing a lot better,” I mumble, feeling dizzy.
“Are you okay?” Thalia’s hand rests on my spine, and I have to force my body not to flinch.
“A little hungover, maybe.” It’s not a total lie. I’m clearly hungover, just not from alcohol.
On the bright side, the Aztecs are up 3-1 when the second half kicks off, and Dane looks good when he subs into the game. He looks hardened, powerful, and hot. But as soon as he gets going, things sort of…fall apart.
“Look at him run,” Thalia laughs. “He looks like a dumbass.”
Granted, Dane isn’t running well. He’s tripping over the opponents’ cleats and not getting to where he needs to be to assist his teammates. He doesn’t look like a dumbass, but something is clearly wrong, and I’m pretty sure it’s my fault.
He eventually nabs possession of the ball, but his pass goes wild, zipping straight at the opponent’s star player.
3-2 now.
“Wow, nice assist,” Thalia jokes while my heart cracks in half.
Dane’s frustration is palpable. No matter how skilled a liar he is, he can’t keep all that pain in. He smacks the heel of his hand into the side of his head. Lyle circles around to say a few words to him, but I doubt they’ll do anything.
“Maybe we should go,” I blurt out what my instinct is telling me. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but I know Dane can’t perform while Thalia is here, and I can’t ask her to leave without me.
“I’m actually enjoying it now.” She takes her phone out of her purse and opens the camera app.
“Don’t,” I beg her.
“Why not? This is hilarious.”
Why not? Why not?! I stay silent in my cowardice, unable to voice the words howling in my head.
The next time Dane has possession, he collides right into number 3 on the opposing side, and they both topple to the grass. Thalia laughs, holding her phone toward the action with the red video square pulsing.
This is a nightmare, but as difficult as it is for me to watch, I can’t even imagine what it’s like for Dane.
The nightmare continues when Dane’s frustration boils over onto the poor guy who fell on top of him.
As soon as they’re both up on two legs, Dane runs his shoulder into the guy, nearly knocking him back onto his ass.
Number 3 comes back at Dane, and now it’s a full-blown squabble. It takes both Randy and Lyle to pull Dane away before fists can fly.
“Like a slow-motion train wreck,” Thalia sighs, a smile on her face like she’s loving every second. It would make me sick if I weren’t already sick from everything else.
“Let’s go.” I stand and sidestep in front of Thalia, right in the path of her phone lens.
“It’s just getting good!”
“I thought you were starving. Let’s go eat.”
She groans like I’m putting her out, but she loops her purse around her shoulder and follows me out toward the exit without delay. On our way down the bleachers, I don’t look at the field. I can’t.
Halfway to the car, Thalia asks if I’m mad at her, probably because I haven’t looked at anything except the ground since we left the stadium.
“No,” I answer. Maybe I am mad at Thalia, but I’m madder at myself.
“Where do you wanna eat?”
Given how nil my appetite is, I tell her I don’t care, so she picks a spot off Yelp and taps it into my GPS as soon as we’re back in the Jeep.
The directions deliver us to a hole-in-the-wall cafe where we squeeze into a tiny two-top table in a packed dining room.
A teenager takes our drink order, and Thalia uses a friendly tone to ask for a glass of grapefruit juice.
“Just water,” I answer when called upon.
The noise level in this place rivals a Chuck E.
Cheese, but instead of children frolicking, it’s young adults chattering all at once.
Laughter and shouting, plates and glassware clanking, and chairs screeching across hardwood floors.
Maybe I really am hungover, because it’s all giving me a mean headache.
I’ve hardly spoken since we left Dane’s match, but most of my anger has dissipated in favor of a new thing to stress about.
The last time I pissed Dane off, he went and spent half the day fucking some insatiable bottom and getting his nipples pierced.
I won’t mind it if Dane comes home with another appendage bedazzled, but I don’t know how I’ll cope if he hooks up with someone else the day after we slept together.
We didn’t fuck, but I did things I’d never done before.
Things I’d never dreamed of doing until Dane came into my life.
I put a cock in my mouth, for crying out loud, and I loved it.
Loved the taste, loved the texture, loved the sensation of being filled and the suspense of knowing what could happen if I sucked him just right.
I didn’t go so far as to take Dane’s dick in my ass, but he got inside me regardless.
He’s inside me right now, infused into my cells like I belong to him.
That…I have never felt that before.
“Are you sure you’re not mad at me?” Thalia asks, leaning halfway across the table so I’ll hear her.
“Yes. I’m fine.”
“Tell that to your face.” She says it so snarkily that some of my anger returns.
“It’s my fault for bringing you. I should have gone alone.”
Thalia’s shoulders stiffen, gaze sharpening. “Wow, Connor.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Thalia?” A voice new to my ears spears through the tension, igniting a sparkle in my girlfriend’s eyes.
Grinning suddenly, Thalia stands and opens her arms. “Hey, Lisa! Valerie!”
Two young women rush to our table and trade hugs with Thalia amid the bustle of this cramped eatery.
Whoever these ladies are, I’ve never seen them before, but they’re clearly close with Thalia.
Three exuberant voices chatter quickly about things I’m equally unfamiliar with.
Things about classes, things about other people I don’t know, and things about parties.
No one acknowledges me until I begrudgingly stand my ass up and project my voice over their conversation. “Hi, I’m Connor.” I stick my hand out to shake both women’s hands.
“Ohh. Connor. Cute name,” one of them says. Lisa or Valerie, I guess, but I’m not sure which one is which. Besides a minor height difference, they’re both slender and sun-tanned and wearing flouncy dresses despite the season. “Wait, are you the…brother?”
Thalia cuts in quickly, saying, “No, Connor’s my boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend?” the other says while both girls’ eyes vacillate between the two of us. “Since when?”
“Uh…” I shift my eyes from them to Thalia, spotting the awkward look on her face. “Since, like, two years ago.”
“Oh,” both Lisa and Valerie say in unison, and now all three women look as awkward as I feel.
The slightly taller one asks me if I’m “local,” as if it would make more sense that Thalia never mentioned me if our relationship were long distance.
“We live together.” I nod toward Thalia and slip my hands into my pockets.